Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

The truth is, you’re looking back with your current understanding. So now you see clues. But they weren’t necessarily clues then if you know what I mean?

There might be an almost invisible thread in a fabric, you can barely see it looking at the surface, then one day you’ve got hold of that little thread and you’re following it back seeing it goes all the way through. It’s not a failing on your part that you didn’t see it at the start.

Good people tend to see others through their own lens of why they would do certain things or think certain things, it’s not in you to think it’s all from a bad place.

This. You will find plenty of instances now where it’s apparent he negatively impacted your son and it will be hard but use it to motivate you to keep away from him.

I will go against grain here but I think you should move. I also think you need to reassess the beginning for he relationship as you currently have rose tinted glasses when it’s so obvious you were lovebombed and bought the house way too quickly to move to be with him and live together. Thank goodness you didn’t buy with him, otherwise you’d be stuck for way longer with him making your life hell.

I know you don’t want to hear it as there were good times but from everything you’ve written, this guy is a user of people. He only wants people who serve his wants and needs and tow the line.

sorry it just makes me angry reading again something else he’s done to impact you and your son long term that you’ll always wonder about.

This is such a good analogy. Although I feel like I ignored the warning signs from his X wife bc I wanted so much for him to be the good guy and just accepted the “she’s crazy” narrative. She has her issues for sure but I feel like I should have given more credence to her warnings about how controlling and emotionally abusive he was. I saw her recently and gave her the kids’ bikes and we had a little hug and it was nice.

I am not going to do anything rash. I have an Irish passport as does DC and I went to school in Dublin. Put DC’s name down on my old school in Dublin when he was born as a fallback and I’m going to apply when the application window for next year opens. Secondary school in Ireland doesn’t start until next year so I am going to let this settle, see how DC gets on in this school and see how it feels being here long term after dust has settled. If it still doesn’t feel right, maybe Dublin. I dunno. No rash decisions but will keep some doors open.

It would but I don’t think I would want to live in the town where his school is…. Tough commute to London on the day I have to go office

Throwing myself into homemaking for my son. Focus on keeping the house nice, laundry, making lunches and dinners… does feel lonely though.

I don’t think you are a failure, I think you are the exact opposite.
You have been through a terrible experience here and not just the break up, but now realising there were warning signs from the off.
But here’s the thing - you met his ex and passed on the kids’ bikes. That’s a lovely thing to do and you realise that, like her, you were sold a dud.
You have a wonderful and intelligent son.
You have a career of your own.
Heres the thing - if you want to move and send your DS to private school, do it. You can’t feel any worse than you have over the summer.
I think it would do you the world of good to get away from this man geographically and have a new home. Your DS will adapt.
You have the power to make these decisions now which makes you a powerful woman indeed.
You acquitted yourself with a lot of grace during a difficult time and you never need to regret that.

The thing is that I was uprooted and moved schools at 12, specifically to Dublin, and I hated it at the time!! In hindsight, it was good for me academically but I loathed it then. I was talking to my sister about it like why would I inflict that on him when it was so awful for me and she said moving schools was the best thing ever for me (talking about herself)… so I don’t know. He has lots of friends here and is well settled. Why would I move him? Because it’s a “better” school? Because we are only here bc of my failed relationship? But he’s happy so is it crazy to unwind that!? Like I said, no rash decisions but lots going round in my head.

What would your son want/prefer? The move from city to more rural must have been a big change for him as well.

You’re the adult, obvs, and I don’t think it’s healthy for children to dictate adult behaviour, but if neither of you are sure about staying maybe it makes sense to move.

Cross post!

Hi Pithy 👋

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down. Summer came and went and now that the kids are back at school, it seems everyone is knackered (me included) and despite this routine being nice, it's hard to say goodbye to the fun of the summer holidays. 😇

I quickly read your posts, so please bear with me...
How far away is your home from your sons current school OP?
Would it be better all around to move house and just commute on the one day that you need to be in the office? (I hope I've read that correctly, apologies if I've misread). 🏠

As another poster said, your son will be going to school independently before you know it and it would be easier if that was close by?
Do you have a support network nearby such as friends/family/other mums etc? 🤔

Surely that would be a lot less upheaval than moving to Dublin?
Unless your son wants to move to Dublin? Has he got friends and family there? Do you have a support network in Dublin? was that move always on the cards? 💕

I hope you're okay. Believe me when I say you are doing really well, and you are most definitely not a failure, but you do sound tired and probably need a break after all this 😔

It's normal to grieve the live you thought you would have had. You did nothing wrong.

Please look after yourself and do things that bring you moments of joy. Another poster mentioned yoga which is a cracking idea, 💯
Also getting out in nature helps, as does staying off the phone (I'm guilty of doom scrolling) and eating good food. All small things that can make a big impact.

Hugs to you 🫂 @PithyBeaker

Pithy,
I would be thinking longer term even than school, to university level.
Would it work for him to be university in dublin?
UCD is full of south dublin schools so would be a natural follow on.
Secondary school is a time of transition so would be a good time.
Career wise, family wise, would Dublin be a fit.
I agree with above, he really didn't like your child.
That he would influence his schooling is shocking.
But it tracks with wanting him with his father more.
He was not a good man.
That hug from his ex indicates her genuine regard and sympathy for you.
Do not underestimate it.
His calling her crazy is from the book of abusers towards ex's.

He didn't want you spending money on your son's education clearly.
You need to sit with that.
I'm so glad you are with a great therapist.

Please be brave and talk about how you allowed him to influence your decisions regarding your son's education.
He should never ever have been a part of that.

He just gets worse and worse with every post.

He does. A lot makes sense now. No doubt if Pithy had paid for private the ex would have got tiny violins out.

Well, here's the sweetener: if he wants to go to university, he'll find it a lot easier, on account of contextualised offers, to get into his choice from a state school than he would have done from a private school.

And with the money you've saved on his education, you can give him a nice step up onto the housing ladder. (No judgment here!)

Failure would have been going back to him. You're a resounding success!

The secondary school years go by so fast, much quicker than primary where you are more involved. They absolutely fly by so make the most of your time with your boy. Do as much as you can with him, encourage him in sport and other healthy activities.

Make a lovely home that he can bring friends to so that you become part of his group instead of an outsider. Those teenage years can be a challenge and if he goes through the grunting stage you might feel like you never see him.

I would consider moving. Not necessarily for schools but to an area where you can venture out together. Where there are things to do and where he can have access to public transport.

This stage of life is busy and it goes in a flash so don't waste it looking back, don't regret past choices just focus on the future.

Family wise, my mum is in Dublin. Career wise… no idea but I think there are plenty of jobs in Dublin or there is a chance I could go mostly remote w current job. I just don’t know. The suggestion someone just made about being somewhere w public transport for him to get out and explore has resonated w me…..

I think you have time to reconsider education. At my son’s independent there was a noticeable influx of newbies to year 9, to catch up on the curriculum before starting GCSE’s.
My 2nd husband was jealous of the money I spent on education btw. Years later when my son moved into a well paying job, his first comment was “Maybe he will repay you some of that money you spent on him” Very begruding.

I also fell (twice 🙄) for the “my ex is crazy” lines. I’ve no doubt that I went on to be the crazy ex myself. One of the exes “called the police and ran out into the street with the baby just to make me look bad” … no prizes for guessing that I ended up calling the police too …

Anyway, being single isn’t a failure. Staying with a user or someone who actively makes you or your son unhappy might be a fail. But being independent and choosing yourself- no.

as for moving. We live very rurally and my dd needs lifts pretty often, but I don’t know if she would want to move to our local town (London almost certainly 😆). Ask your son. Talk to him about life now, possibilities. If it’s speculation and you aren’t asking him to decide, it’s nice for him to have some input into your decision making.

This is the comment that landed hard on me too. He did what???!!!!! I'm a secondary teacher and seen lots of state schools and seen a lot of bad things (and good thing too). My question isn't which is better. My question is is your son happy where he is. If he is, great he will do well. He can get a tutor if need be later on. If he isn't happy and it's mad behaviour destroying most lessons then definitely reconsider.

Plus when you read the stuff on bumble you read the lovely bit. If you had read the beginning of the first thread where he's calling u a cxxx and letting his kids trash your house that might have elicited a different emotional reaction.

Im glad you enjoying the house you are in. But remember in the long term it's just a house. Be where you have a support system. You sound lonely without him and that's what's hurting.
You have 100 done the right thing for your mental health, your finances and your son. You just sound like you need kind people who love you around you.

Pithy, you put everything into this guy and he turned out not to be the man you thought he was. From what you've said, you did ignore quite a few red flags. You can't change that now, but you've learned about those red flags men can show when they aren't really on the up and up or want to use you, you recognize them, and you're unlikely to make the same mistakes. We call it the school of hard knocks and you actually did pretty well. You didn't make the mistake of buying a home with him even with him pressuring you. You didn't let him cuckoo your son out of your home. When things got too much, you asked him to leave.

I think a move would be positive if you found a school your son could thrive at. Very bright kids need challenges to stay interested. It's also great for networking later on.

It's time to fill your life up with things you enjoy, wherever that is. I don't know what opportunities are available where you are, but one activity I always have is volunteer some time for the community. I've done everything from cleanups to tutoring people for their citizenship test to animal care at the shelter.

I have to say, your ex really did not like your son. That was the biggest red flag of all.

You're thinking about this way to much.

You said in an earlier post - "He's happy".

Then for god's sake leave him where he is. That right there is more important that what grades he gets, how good the school he's in is.

He's happy. Why would you risk fucking that up?

......does feel lonely though.

@PithyBeaker

But Lovely, you were lonely then. Because there is more than one kind of lonely. Being in a bad relationship can make one feel more 'alone' than actually being 'on one's own'. We may not recognize it as, or call it, 'lonely', but it is. I discovered that after I left esDH. I was much 'lonelier' with him than I am now on my own.

As far as moving, they say not to make any big decision for a year after a major life upheaval. So think about it, even make a tentative 'plan', but give it time. I also think a some time, if you start to feel really serious about this, you should gently start broaching the subject with your DS in a 'Would you ever want to' or 'What would you think of' way. Not that he'd have the last word if you truly feel it's right for both of you, it's an adult decision to make. Just so that he has a bit of a 'heads up'.

My best friend said this too. Don’t do anything now, sit with it and give it some time. I will do that. And I know I was lonely then too, very much so. Still feels lonely pottering around the big empty house while my son pre-teens listening to music in his room. Keep hearing X’s words said in bitterness: “all you care about is money and keeping your house nice so that’s all you’ll have, money and a big lonely empty house with no one who loves you”

It’s the Love Island conundrum. He says he’s happy - but could he be happier? Have I limited his chances in life by my poor decisions? Have I given him the best set of friends and teachers that I possibly could have? That’s the issue.