Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

Remember for him access = success.
He will love the fact that your head is mashed dealing with his messages. Any chink of light and he’s in.
Good partners are good partners. They don’t become one after something has ended.
They just are.
If you need to send one last message, keep it brief.
‘I no longer wish to hear from you in any capacity be it by phone, personal visits or via your mother.
Your belongings will be placed here: add the space/time.‘
Offer no emotion because he’s feeding off it, even a negative message for him is better than being blocked.
Pity his poor kids with a father obsessed with someone he couldn’t go for a walk with a few weeks ago.
Better times are coming.

if 3000 posts aren't enough, another thousand may not be helpful.

Might just be keeping you stuck in avoidance.

Hi OP,

I am popping back to say that I stuck to my deadline - he moved out at the very last hour on the very last day that I had given - but he is gone.

I have caught up on your thread and seen how your ex has taken a turn into deeply manipulative messages. Last time it helped you to know that these men have a play book, and once again I see some parallels in what mine has said to me. Please understand that I am not drawing equivalence between PTSD and other MH conditions, but I feel there is a theme in the suggestion that "your head's not right", as opposed to "my behaviour is setting off all your alarm bells".

For example, instead of putting in the everyday low effort of keeping my flat presentable, mine said to me "I can see that cleanliness is an intrusive thought for you". To be clear, I was asking him to do the washing up, fold clean laundry, or push the broom around when he was present in the daytime, not deep clean the place with bleach. However, he'd rather suggest that I have intrusive thoughts/OCD rather than just do his part.

I am definitely over the relationship and am just tying up loose ends. He has started sending me unsolicited messages almost admitting his part in the relationship breakdown, but they are peppered with references to my anger and my emotional instability (although he doesn't want t reproach me or make me feel bad).

I have seen a lot of advice about dismissive, avoidant men because my algorithm spotted him before I did, but a lot of the advice contains some reference to "your body knows before your head figures it out". He is trying to manipulate you and use intimate psychological knowledge against you, but all those uncomfortable feelings (fatigue, tight chest, lump in the throat, nausea, hot anger, etc.) were in your body, not your head. Trust your instincts and only take advice/analysis/feedback from the people who care about you. xx

@ToughAsTagliatelle that is such great advice about noticing the feelings in the body. I remember your story from the previous thread and the parallels to the OP so I’m glad you’re moving on too!

Be done with him once and for all, OP.

Your head will feel better for it.

Hi Pithy 4 threads or 400, whatever it takes…
Glad you are blocking now. He really has tried everything hasn’t he?
if you could just try thinking about all your positives and all the strengths we see in you… maybe go through posts, write down all those great things you have done, and read them back before bed. As others have said, you are listening to him and trying to persuade him, and it’s not helping you. He has to drag you down in order to control you again… he’s just a lying scammer trying to con you out of your lovely peaceful family home…
Someone who had your best interests at heart would not be doing what he is doing.
So it’s time to think about you, not him. What about the lovely attention you give your son now. Remember the sleepover and the Paris holiday? What about getting rid of that awful clutter? And halving your cleaning bills! You’ve struggled and you are a survivor and a fighter. You’ve not been too proud to ask for help. That’s brave. You’ve sunk down and risen up again. That’s resilience. You value peace and truth. That’s rare! Go Pithy go - we’re with you. Some of have insomnia so it’s a 24 hour service!

Hello @PithyBeaker
Let's hope that this is the last one.

I do think that you should take the bull by the horns.

Block him on every platform you can think of.

Don't bother with a final message.

Totally ignoring him is the most effective final message you can send. He deserves nothing from you now.

Nothing.

Put your son first. Forget this man. I know it's easy for me to say that, but you must.

Rip off the plaster and start the rest of your life.

Google or CHATGPT may help? It won't be easy but it's needed girl.

Glass of something nice afterwards 💕

Is there anyone else who could contact him re collecting stuff so that you could now block him?

Yes, 100%

Keep keeping busy, Plan outings, organise play dates, get a new hair cut, do your nails. Write to people you have be meaning to contact, Do a big Spring sort through your wardrobe.
Lots if banal things will keep you busy & give you some personal satisfaction .
Just send one last message.
“I’m not changing mind. Too little too late. ( add info re his junk)
Thats all”
Block

I hope there comes a day that n the not too distant @PithyBeaker
when you no longer have to be the receiver these messages.

I guess it will have to be through your own actions (blocking) rather than just hoping he will get bored.

I hope you are ok OP and I hope you gather the strength to finally block him and move on properly. You will never be able to until you let him go.

You're so close to freedom now OP.

You can do it.

We're all rooting for you.

I’m trying. Composing a message. I need to get his stuff back to him so I can’t just block and be done. Unfortunately. Feels so hard to send that message though. What if I’ve made a horrible mistake

Thank you. I’m trying.

You haven't. Promise.

I've been reading all your threads but not posted as you've been getting some absolutely brilliant advice from multiple posters. But I have to echo what they are saying.

After 30 messages in ONE night it is time to give him a deadline to get his belongings out of your house. This Saturday would be good as he won't have to look after his kids and gives him four days to call round storage facilities and van hires. Once the stuff has gone there will be no more ties and you can block without guilt or fear or whatever is holding you back, but you DO need to block. You are constantly picking at the scab now but you need to let it heal.

You've got this

If you had made a horrible mistake, he would have you back in a heartbeat — or rather, he would have your house and labour back.

But you haven’t made a horrible mistake.

You haven't made a mistake by breaking up with him. Even if you didn't have excellent reasons to break up (and you did) his refusal to give you space and attempts to frame you as mentally unstable are unforgivable. Its utter manipulation and abusive.

Please also remember- you dont need to get his stuff back to him. Its his job to collect. Either give him a window to pick it up within, put it into storage and give him the details so he can collect/pay to keep it there or tell him to arrange pick up via a mutual contact.

I know you want to stay true to the kind and empathetic person you've shown yourself to be throughout, but you're now his emotional punchbag and you need hard boundaries in place.

It would only be a horrible mistake if he had been a lovely man and you’d broken up for a silly reason like he made you a cup of tea badly!

Even if he was a lovely man you can still end a relationship for any reason, anyway.

Breaking it down though, you didn’t end the relationship - he did because you asked him to leave and parent his kids after you’d given him numerous chances to shape up!

He didn’t want to do that and it’s only after it’s too late he’s telling you all the things he’s willing to do for you. So that tells you that a) he knew what he should do and didn’t bother and b) he didn’t listen when you told him repeatedly what he needed to do.

Again, you haven’t made a mistake, but you are mourning the man you thought he was / could be. He isn’t that man and he’s not going to be. If you let him back in your house will be dirty and chaotic, he’ll be up gaming all night, you’ll be cleaning his kids’ shit off the toilet, your DS won’t be able to have friends over and he’ll call you a cunt.

You don’t want that and you don’t deserve it.

And what if it's the best thing you ever do?

I think I said before. You don’t need to believe it’s forever when you block if you can’t face that yet. You don’t need to give him an explanation either.

Just take time out. Tell him that. Then block. You won’t see things clearly till you have that space. Honestly getting him out of your head for even a week will be so helpful.

Done. 😭

Yay! Well done.