Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

I've left a post at the end of number 3 about his unhinged behaviour.

If it takes you 4 threads to rid yourself of this pest @PithyBeaker it will all have been worth it!

Don't feel bad about the number of threads. And don't believe this poison he's dripping via messages. Tell him if he wants to believe he was always a loving fantastic partner, you can't stop him but you won't be gaslighted about it so you're blocking him. Or just block him. It's allowed. You've split up, he doesn't have a right to your time, attention or head space any more.

I hope this is your last thread! In a good way.

Here’s my advice, its repeating what I have already said in a way, but I think it bears repeating:

• tie up any loose ends first (like his property in your house)
• make it clear you want to draw a line and end contact now (not rehashing anything at the same time that he would want to respond to, just a very simple message to end it)
• block, and keep it that way

If you then need this thread for support in staying strong and moving on then great. I do think though the ongoing dissection of his messages and actions here is keeping you in a bad space as much as his ongoing messages are. You need to make a conscious effort to put it behind you.

I haven't read your other threads, but stay strong and I hope things work out well for you.

@YourOliveBalonz I agree with this. I’m not sure more threads dissecting his messages and telling you to block is helpful to you. You haven’t answered (unless I have missed it) about why you aren’t blocking. I mean you don’t have to tell us but I hope you are at least really thinking about that yourself because if you can get to the root of the why it might help us to help you.

just a thought. I hope you ok. I can only imagine how draining all his messages and all of these on here are. Very time consuming and draining for anyone and that’s without an emotional attachment and PTSD. I do hope you ok.

You are like someone who can't walk away from a fruit machine after paying in lots of money...just in case it pays out for the next person.
It won't

Just let him go

This is for your support. Take as many threads as necessary until you don't need us any more.

💐

Hey Pithy
Sorry - I missed the continuation/end of your last thread and I’m sorry he’s being awful.
I just went and read your last few posts. What sticks in my mind is that, when you first said to him that you needed him and his DCs to move out, but you still wanted a relationship with him, his first response was that he would be looking for someone else to have sex with.

Whatever he says now about all the performative things he’ll do to show you what a huge mistake he thinks you made how much he really does love you (despite the fact that he chose not to do these things when he had the chance), remember his first reponse was to try and punish you.

You don’t need this man in your life - he’s not a good partner and he’s proving that. You deserve so much more. Give him the ultimatums about collecting his stuff and stop contacting him.

@PithyBeaker

It takes as long as it takes and you're getting there.

I remember a line from the movie 'Tootsie'. After a break up the character was told 'Oh, don't be that way, don't feel bad" and she replied "Don't tell me how to feel! I'm going to feel this way until I don't feel this way anymore!". And that's pretty much the way it is. We process in the way that works for us. You've gone from wanting to 'fix things' to now muting and not responding to his messages. Pretty soon it will be 'Get your shit" and delete and block. "You've come a long way, Baby!"

Pretty sure you're not going to need a fifth thread. You're in the last mile of the marathon now; you just need to get his shit out of your home and block him.

Oof. This.

Thank you. Not great but trying. When I have some headspace (like later, after my son is in bed) I’m going to try to write the snipping off message. There have been some good suggestions up thread for how to word it but I don’t have the head space right now. I’m sorry to everyone who wrote such brilliant comments at the end of the last thread that I haven’t responded to, please know that I read every single one and they all help 🙏🙏🙏 grateful

You should read about the Sunk Cost Fallacy OP, relevant here I think.

I think you have given him enough attention now and have let him beat you (metaphorically) enough.
He is becoming abusive.
I personally would send him a final message saying that his behaviour hits the definition of abuse, harassment and coercion.
I would advise him that his remaining belongings will be outside your house at xx time on xx date. I would also say that Mr ‘Big bastard friend /friends husband/bloke at work’ will be helping you move the stuff outside where it will sit for an hour. If it is not collected in that hour Mr Big Bastard will be disposing of it.
I would advise him that I was now blocking him and any attempts by him, his children or any members of his family to contact you, your son or your place of work will be immediately reported to the police.

Im afraid you have to lance this boil.
He has now become poison in your life and you need rid of him.
It’s hard because of course feelings cannot be just turned off
But trying to use your PTSD against you to get what he wants is so low.
You must hve the ick now.
It’s very hard but we know you can do this @PithyBeaker . We have your back. You have been utterly amazing and now you just need to do this final push.
Do it. Once the boil is lanced you will feel huge relief .
Your mind won’t be worried while you sleep wondering what shit you are going to wake up to from him. You will sleep better and you will feel better as I suspect you are a bundle of anxiety right now wondering what each ‘ding’will bring.

Silence his ding. Permanently.

Given his attacks on your mental health and harassment via texting (which would have kept you up much of the night if you hadn't muted him), it's time to stop thinking about continuing a romantic relationship. He's becoming abusive. That's the reality here. You cannot fix him.

Also, he's getting more frantic because he's finding out for himself the cost of feeding and housing 3 kids during an economic downturn. You shielded him from much of that cost for 5 years. You subsidized him. Now you have more for your child.

Funny how he could spend decent sums on renovating his place right when he moved out. He was saving money on your back and your work along with giving some to his ex. Now you're no longer subsidizing his ex on top of everything else.

Is all his stuff out? If not, he's 🤔 ng you're hanging on to it to hold onto him and he might not be wrong. It also lets him think he's got a chance of moving back in.

You owe him nothing, not a final message, not courtesy, nothing. You’re getting tied up in knots with what he’s said, self doubting and questioning your own actions and decisions….he is continuing to influence and affect you. You’ve been amazing so far.

Blocking him doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s takes away his power. Free yourself. Only you have the power to do that. Go for it OP. I wish you well. The last fabulous step is yours to take! X

Remember the relief you felt when they all moved out, and you had your house back and none of the mess to deal with anymore? That’s all you need to do now with the messages. Get it done, and then feel the relief at it all being over and done with.

Do you know what, his narrative of 'you had a loving boyfriend and your ptsd led to you kicking him out etc.' means nothing. It's just his interpretation, it doesn't mean it's true.

He could genuinely have been the best boyfriend in the world with the greatest kids and if it wasn't working for you, for any reason at all, that was enough for you to end it.

In my opinion, your past had nothing to do with it. Him being disrespectful to you and not parenting his children properly had everything to do with it.

I wouldn't even respond to his mother, but if I did I'd just say something like nolongersurprised suggested in the last thread.

As for him, it really doesn't matter what he, his mum, his mates all think. You know the truth, you and your child are happier now and that's all that matters.

Personally I think the last message should be less is more. Cold, short, clear and firm. Unemotional.

Something like ‘I no longer wish to engage with you at all moving forward so you now blocked. Your belongings are at xxx.’

You’ll get there, and you’ll wonder why on earth it was so hard. You don’t need to spend lots of time on a final message. There are choices, yes, and potentially a piece on information to include about his stuff. The wording however isn’t important.

Option 1- This is harassment. Stop contacting me. I will deliver your stuff to your mother’s next week.
Option 2- This is harassment. I’m blocking your messages now. To arrange the return of your belongings, send one sensible email to organise it.

She has blocked and archived.

Your final message: "Bye"
That's all, not even "Bye bye".

@pikkumyy77she hasn’t blocked