Starting a fourth thread when I hoped three would be enough

[PithyBeaker]

really hoped I wouldn’t need this but looks like I do

“Bright kids need challenges”

YES. This is what worries me. I’ve seen some of the work he’s been given and he’s so much brighter than it. I’m worried he isn’t being pushed enough. And he desperately wants to study Classics but the school doesn’t offer it. I’m looking for a tutor so far w no luck (first person I found gave me bad vibes and struggled to produce DBS when requested)

And what if you made changes and he ended up less happy? Friend groups are a mixture of disposition and luck, and you’ve done your bit for the former.

Yes, therein the dilemma. What if the happiness is feeling settled and connected to a broader community he’s grown up in since he was 6 now and I ruin that by pulling him somewhere else? When I say I don’t know what to do, I really really don’t.

Schoolteachers are also the luck of the draw though…

None of us do! I think you’re just feeling it more acutely because you moved for this now-failed relationship, but it could just as easily been for a job or a relative or some other external circumstance.

Could you look into subjects that are offered in his current school and compare to what would be offered in a school you might move to? And then have a loose, low key chat about it?

It’s true that teens/pre teens disappear into their rooms BUT - reframe it. Enjoy the peace, watch a series, read books etc. The alternative would be your ex’s children creating mess, loud chaos. Children with ASD/ADHD rarely become easier after puberty, and it would be loud, messy and chaotic.

Pithy, you have transferred your angst and guilt about your ex, to angst and guilt about your son. It seems you are punishing yourself by creating (at this moment needless) worries about your son.

The question, actually, is "could you have been happier without him?" and "did you limit your own life chances because of him?"

Pithy, with respect you're taking too much responsibility here and that's a bad thing. You can and should only take responsibility for yourself and for your son.

His choices were his responsibility.

You can acknowledge your actions had a consequence on him - mainly that consequence was that you gave him a live-in servant and nanny with a shag at times. The consequence for him of you standing up with more self-respect than that was that he lost all those things, and his choice of actions was to berate, manipulate, hurt, pressure and send you ultimatums and vicious words.

Did he value you? Did he speak to you with respect, at all times? Did he cherish you?

If the answer to any of those are No, then that is his responsibility. Has he ever, once, shown any genuine signs of taking it?

Please stop thinking that everyone is reasonable. Some people aren't. Some people will take, and take, and drain you dry and then leave you empty and shattered and THEN blame you. It's right for you to guard yourself against that, and wrong for you to take responsibility that is not yours.

Keep hearing X’s words said in bitterness: “all you care about is money and keeping your house nice so that’s all you’ll have, money and a big lonely empty house with no one who loves you” One day I hope you'll stop putting the Ex's words ahead of your own words in the silence of your own skull.

... or are those vicious words actually what's in your head anyway, and the ex is only echoing them?

Because that's a you-problem, sweetheart, then, and you need work on loving yourself and having faith in yoruself, because from everything that's you've written here, you're a lovely woman. But you need to believe that for yourself.

@PithyBeaker your ex was bitter when he said that, he wanted to hurt you because he was furious that you’d cut off his supply of comfortable living and wifework. He didn’t see you as a person, he saw you as a provider, and when you asserted your personhood he was outraged because he didn’t think you should have been able to act for your own best interest rather than his.
Manipulative people are experts in finding your weak points and exploiting them, and he targeted a place which he knew was vulnerable to maximum hurt. It doesn’t make what he said true. Even if your mind is saying that it feels true.

As for your dilemma about your son; I hear you. I have a whole thread over in parenting about my angst regarding my dd. But I think if he’s happy and settled where he is, let him stay there for now. You might find a classics tutor online for him once a week, and that would be plenty for now (I did similar when mine wanted to learn Japanese).

In 18 months or so, when he’s halfway through Y8, you could reconsider (with his input). Y9 into Y10 is a natural transition point and round our way, there are now places which specialise in KS4-5 and offer more vocational pathways, or education that’s specialist in science (for example). He might also want a school that offers more GCSEs- I know of schools here which only offer 8, and others where kids can choose up to 12.
You may find that once he’s halfway through KS3 it becomes clearer what he wants and needs to get out of his secondary education, and at that point you will be further along in your own healing and you might feel calmer about all of this and better placed to know the best way forward for both of you.

(Also, secondary school passes REALLY fast. Mine just started Y11 and honestly, I can’t quite believe it because it seems very recent that I was taking her Y7 picture with the blazer buttoned up and the knee socks (🥹). You could make a move now which works for a year and then it becomes apparent that something else is needed for GCSEs or post-16.)

The education thing is tricky. My children are both very bright and academic and went to a good state school. Looking back I would say that the challenge was enough for them until about year 10-11. Lack of challenge at school hasn’t hindered their outcomes on paper - top GCSEs and A level results, an Oxford place for my son - but I do feel they were unnecessarily bored and frustrated at times. Socially, one was ok and the other not, which was down to luck in terms of the people they encountered.

I think if your son is happy that counts for an awful lot, but if you are already getting vibes from the school that they don’t believe in setting challenge for the brighter kids, then have a Plan B in place. You may be able to bridge the gaps with tutors, as we did, but you may not. As for reading classics, you can now do that later - even at uni - with no prior experience (I’m sure you know that) but again that misses the point that he would like to do it now. Talk to him about it, weigh it up. He could always swap into private at year 9 or sixth form if you both want that. I’m sure there are good schools near you so you wouldn’t have to uproot yourselves completely.

What vile words from him. Not only abusive, but needlessly vicious and cruel. A better man, however heartbroken would find a way to accept your decision, and possibly even wish you well. As you probably do for him despite it all.

This is who he is, this is who he always was. The lovely man you saw never existed ( not the same as saying you didn’t have happy times) . That’s how controlling abusers work. You changed your plans for your DS’s school because he coerced you! And I am no fan of fee paying education, so no skin in the game at all!

Have you done Freedom Programme?

Yes, no one who had ever truly loved you would say something as vicious and cruel as that.

Not a decent man at all.

This ☝️
Pithy his words were pernicious.

But please stop carrying blame that wasn't yours, as you are holding onto weight that was never yours to carry.

Let go of any guilt. 💐

Your ex is a piece of shit saying that about your home.
A nasty piece of work.
You have a lovely home with someone who loves you unconditionally.
Not a controlling arsehole.
You have a wonderful sister and loved ones who adore you.
I hope that jealous man is sitting in his cramped flat and the kids are doing his head in.

All you have is a nice house that I really really want…can’t I live there too please…need to tell him to jog on.

Keep hearing X’s words said in bitterness: “all you care about is money and keeping your house nice so that’s all you’ll have, money and a big lonely empty house with no one who loves you” One day I hope you'll stop putting the Ex's words ahead of your own words in the silence of your own skull.

Absolutely this that @ReleaseTheDucksOfWar said. What an incredibly cruel thing for him to have said, and from everything you have shared here also very untrue. I really do hope you can stop thinking his horrible, blaming, cruel thoughts about yourself.

Every accusation is a confession. HE was only interested in a nice home for him and his kids, and is now jealous that you and your lovely son (worth 10,000 of ex!) get that while he sits in his cramped flat with his badly behaved kids. People love you.

I’d move and I’d put your son back in a private school and then you need to work on your self esteem . I’m sorry if this sounds unkind but you seem to be dwelling in self pity , your ‘worth’ isn’t dependent on having this man in your life , or indeed any man . You have a good income , a child and prospects for a bright future , with or without a man . I’m shocked that an independent woman would move their child from private education because of a man . Find a cause , find a hobby just do something that means you’ve moved on from this .

There are classics summer schools and courses…
And the home ed community might have something virtual available.

You are correct. This is accurate. Thank you 🙏 I am working on being kinder to myself in my own head.

I have plenty of hobbies, thanks. I climb, I sail, I hike, I bike, I run, I do yoga. I am currently sat in the sailing club while my son races in the beginner’s race. We are doing fine. I am just beating myself up about my choices (and don’t need any help in that 👍). Thank you all for the (mostly) kind words. I am making no rash decisions and just living the life I have built in this part of the country, it’s really rather lovely so maybe it is lucky we found ourselves here. Who knows. Literally no one knows. The path of life forks and we take turns, constantly.

I should have expanded- I had a very bright child in a just about ok state school.

He got permission to skip lessons for one of his A levels in favour of teaching himself.

He found productive hobbies- little side gigs, that turned into a big side gig when he finished uni. He’s still a busy lad- needs something productive to keep him busy when work life is a bit mundane.

Learning to be self motivated and find your own goals and stimulation is really valuable.

If he’s under stretched at school encourage him to find his own challenges. Duolingo would be an obvious one. There are so many resources these days, many of them free!

Every accusation is a confession.

Bloody hell this sentence nails it in one
💯 👏 💥

@PithyBeaker

Well stop beating yourself up about your choices and move on , be it where you are or somewhere else . Past choices are just that , they can’t be undone , they can’t be changed so there is very little point in dwelling on them and doing so doesn’t help anybody . I hope your son does well in his race .