Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

Filing for divorce in India is a red herring and he's only saying that because he feels it's a magic spell that keeps you under his control. You really need some proper legal advice and find some other way to stop yourself overthinking and panicking

Neither of you are citizens of India and you don't live there, I take it neither of you don't own property in India (personally, not family). Your property and financial assets in Scotland would still have to go through a Scottish court. An Indian court would go with the preferences of a 17 year old.

In Scotland you cannot have custody of a child after the age of 16. They are legally adults and have the choice of where they want to live. They are not included in any custody orders under Scottish law. I have been through this with 2 children and an abusive ex husband. One is 18 now and stopped becoming part of any proceedings legally at 16. My youngest is 14 and know he has 18 more months to go.

https://brodies.com/insights/family-law/adultery-divorces-in-scotland/
You can choose between a fault-based and a no-fault divorce in Scotland, but for adultery to be the reason you need to have sexual intercourse, and he would need to provide proof. You didn't, so he's just being silly, pathetic, and clueless.

OP, I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but I'm going to suggest something just in case.

To me, from what you've written, while he's not paying anything towards the mortgage, he may be contributing to groceries. If so, this may be an idea. I'm not in the UK, where I am, all supermarkets sell gift cards. These gift cards have a three year expiry period.

Can you add a gift card to your grocery shopping each week without him realising? Make them different denominations each time and just hide them away. If you're thinking of staying another 2 years, these could add up to a substantial amount extra. Then, when you finally split, use your little stash of gift cards to help you make your new place nice, or, just use them for your groceries for the first six months or so, freeing up your cash for other things.

I'd also strongly consider going back to work full time for those two years, put that extra money into an account in your own name, two years of extra saving for when you are free.

Wishing you all the best!

@DexterMorgansmum

Is the communications about half his savings, the house equity, etc all in writing? I think you need to speak to an attorney about the fact that he has income but is not contributing to the household despite you asking him to do so.

If I were you I'd start invoicing him for half the household expenses and expenses for your son. I know he won't pay it, but at least you'll have a record showing that you did expect and ask for it. It may mean that you can petition for more than 50% of the house equity.

You mentioned about adultery being 'illegal'. It's not illegal in the UK (including in Scotland) so even if you had committed adultery, which you did not, you did not commit a crime.

I don't understand why he goes on about divorcing in the Indian courts. You and he (and DS) are resident in Scotland. To my mind, a court in India wouldn't have jurisdiction. The divorce would be in Scotland. And if by chance there is some weird law that he could get a divorce in India, a divorce YOU obtain in Scotland would take precedence as long as you are there. The Indian divorce settlement/agreement would have no 'power' in Scotland. It would just mean that you and probably DS shouldn't go to India until DS is over the age of majority there IF an Indian divorce gave your H primary custody/residence.

Addendum; I just looked it up. It says that a person can file for divorce in India whilst living abroad IF the last matrimonial home was in India. Yours wasn't.

Don't tell him where you are going!!!!

I just wanted to send hugs. And to say you are not alone, and your reactions are not unique.

FWIW I never asked my ex for maintenance or any sort of financial support or compensation for having sacrificed career and pension, and still now (dd is 15 and we split when she was 2) I pay for almost all the trips and things, particularly the expensive ones, even though he earns about twice what I do. The three years I was with him put me at a real financial disadvantage and I’ve never recovered. I’m too ashamed to admit this more widely and horribly conflicted about what I should or shouldn’t tell my daughter about the wrongs he did me when we were “together” and since (still erring on the side of biting my tongue at the moment). I feel I should have known better, been braver, been less intimidated, taken more professional advice. But I was terrified he would take her away from me. Just like you are, and for broadly similar reasons.

Sending lots of hugs and support. You are brave and strong, and you have put your son first over and over again, which means putting yourself second. That’s all, it’s a personal strength not a weakness.