Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

Filing for divorce in India is a red herring and he's only saying that because he feels it's a magic spell that keeps you under his control. You really need some proper legal advice and find some other way to stop yourself overthinking and panicking

Neither of you are citizens of India and you don't live there, I take it neither of you don't own property in India (personally, not family). Your property and financial assets in Scotland would still have to go through a Scottish court. An Indian court would go with the preferences of a 17 year old.

In Scotland you cannot have custody of a child after the age of 16. They are legally adults and have the choice of where they want to live. They are not included in any custody orders under Scottish law. I have been through this with 2 children and an abusive ex husband. One is 18 now and stopped becoming part of any proceedings legally at 16. My youngest is 14 and know he has 18 more months to go.

https://brodies.com/insights/family-law/adultery-divorces-in-scotland/
You can choose between a fault-based and a no-fault divorce in Scotland, but for adultery to be the reason you need to have sexual intercourse, and he would need to provide proof. You didn't, so he's just being silly, pathetic, and clueless.

OP, I'm not sure if this is helpful or not, but I'm going to suggest something just in case.

To me, from what you've written, while he's not paying anything towards the mortgage, he may be contributing to groceries. If so, this may be an idea. I'm not in the UK, where I am, all supermarkets sell gift cards. These gift cards have a three year expiry period.

Can you add a gift card to your grocery shopping each week without him realising? Make them different denominations each time and just hide them away. If you're thinking of staying another 2 years, these could add up to a substantial amount extra. Then, when you finally split, use your little stash of gift cards to help you make your new place nice, or, just use them for your groceries for the first six months or so, freeing up your cash for other things.

I'd also strongly consider going back to work full time for those two years, put that extra money into an account in your own name, two years of extra saving for when you are free.

Wishing you all the best!

@DexterMorgansmum

Is the communications about half his savings, the house equity, etc all in writing? I think you need to speak to an attorney about the fact that he has income but is not contributing to the household despite you asking him to do so.

If I were you I'd start invoicing him for half the household expenses and expenses for your son. I know he won't pay it, but at least you'll have a record showing that you did expect and ask for it. It may mean that you can petition for more than 50% of the house equity.

You mentioned about adultery being 'illegal'. It's not illegal in the UK (including in Scotland) so even if you had committed adultery, which you did not, you did not commit a crime.

I don't understand why he goes on about divorcing in the Indian courts. You and he (and DS) are resident in Scotland. To my mind, a court in India wouldn't have jurisdiction. The divorce would be in Scotland. And if by chance there is some weird law that he could get a divorce in India, a divorce YOU obtain in Scotland would take precedence as long as you are there. The Indian divorce settlement/agreement would have no 'power' in Scotland. It would just mean that you and probably DS shouldn't go to India until DS is over the age of majority there IF an Indian divorce gave your H primary custody/residence.

Addendum; I just looked it up. It says that a person can file for divorce in India whilst living abroad IF the last matrimonial home was in India. Yours wasn't.

Don't tell him where you are going!!!!

I just wanted to send hugs. And to say you are not alone, and your reactions are not unique.

FWIW I never asked my ex for maintenance or any sort of financial support or compensation for having sacrificed career and pension, and still now (dd is 15 and we split when she was 2) I pay for almost all the trips and things, particularly the expensive ones, even though he earns about twice what I do. The three years I was with him put me at a real financial disadvantage and I’ve never recovered. I’m too ashamed to admit this more widely and horribly conflicted about what I should or shouldn’t tell my daughter about the wrongs he did me when we were “together” and since (still erring on the side of biting my tongue at the moment). I feel I should have known better, been braver, been less intimidated, taken more professional advice. But I was terrified he would take her away from me. Just like you are, and for broadly similar reasons.

Sending lots of hugs and support. You are brave and strong, and you have put your son first over and over again, which means putting yourself second. That’s all, it’s a personal strength not a weakness.

Hello MNers, felt like posting an update today out of the blue, it has been a few months now .....

Still here in the same position I suppose

On the plus side - only a year now to DS18 and completion of High school

On the flip side - DS witnessed one more ugly fight between me and H sometime late July and I fear it has impacted on the start of the school year for him in August, have done my utmost to keep such instances minimal if not eliminate them completely through silence with H

FIL has been sicker so I tell myself H will have to travel a lot to care for his dad soon and I can have some respite then.....

I dont know if we will have a full on western style (read normal modern world) divorce but I think we will geographically split for sure in 2028 when DS to uni, I take small rental near his uni to continue to be a base for him the weekends he wants to come home and holidays. While his father finally proceeds on his overseas retirement (he will be 56 / 57 in 2028 and plans to early retire) outside the UK.

So in other words your husband will take off with all the assets whilst you live in a rental - which you could be doing now and could have been doing for months, and you won't be legally divorced so he gets to keep everything.

Originally you were going to leave in May after your son's Nat5's and you expected your husband to be in India from August,

YOU have another 18 months, as your son only turned 16 in Feb ?

I worry about your updates as 18 months is such a long time, what if you become sick and it becomes even more difficult to leave. Have you thought about doing the Freedom plan? It might help you. No matter how much you try and avoid your husband making ugly scenes in front of your son, sadly you can’t control it. Sending you strength x

A lot can happen in a year. Please be sure you've made contingency plans for a quick exit or for filing a divorce pronto if it appears he's going to leave the country as once he leaves if he takes any joint assets with him you'll play merry hell getting them back.

You may want to consider filing for a legal separation or at least starting the paperwork, see a solicitor to ask if it would be to your advantage. The financial part of it is the same as divorce, you just remain legally married at the end. A division of assets would protect you legally in case he decides to 'abscond' to wherever it is he wants to go. It's what I did as it was financially the best option for me. Now my assets are legally only mine and the house is in tenants in common, so if my esDH should go into debt what I have cannot be touched and it would be impossible for him to access any of my assets. I'm in the US but I believe the laws in the UK aren't substantially different.

Yes :-(

Then please PLEASE see a solicitor as I suggested in my last post. You need to do something to legally protect yourself from him skipping off with marital assets.

Even if all the savings (or whatnot) is in his name now, in a legal separation he will be ordered to pay you your fair share of anything that's considered a joint marital asset. Depending on how much your share of the finances are, you could even request that he be required to 'sign off' on the marital home and you sign off on your share of the marital assets if the sums 'work right'. Or vice versa if that works better for you. But you won't know until you seek legal advice.

Where I am in the US all assets (other than a personal checking account) are put under a civil restraining order barring either party from removing funds, selling the asset, giving it away, etc etc until the settlement is finalized. I don't know if it's the same in the UK.

Again, see a solicitor about some type of legal protection.

@AcrossthePond55 gives very good advice on threads, I have read her replies many times.
@DexterMorgansmum it would do you good to read her advice and act upon it.

Agree.
Get legal help.

Look after yourself and try to get away before then. I would leave tomorrow if I was you it’s the only way you know you are safe and your son can see you living a better life.

I know it’s hard I left with nothing.