Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

With all due respect, your culture and community are part of the reason you have ended up in this mess. Your fear of your society's view of you leaving and exposing your husband's abuse is a massive part of why you're still stuck there.

Why do you care so much about what they think when they are part of the reason you've been stuck?

My ex was like this about 'not airing dirty laundry in public'. He was an abuser.... How convenient that his culture didn't allow for the airing of his abuse because it was better to keep it behind closed doors and deal with it in private... Except they never do deal with it. It just becomes an excuse to further trap and isolate you, and to to ensure you have absolutely no power at all.

The best thing I ever did was expose his abuse to the world. There were still people on his family who said: it takes two. You know what I thought - F U to them... I literally don't give a sh*t what they think. These people are part of the generational trauma.... They don't end the cycle. They perpetuate it.

They wouldn't be called temples if they were Jewish, they would be synagogues or shuls.
Sadly some of the synagogues in Glasgow have closed down / joined with others.

Looking at the pictures on Google they are all ' Asian ' def not Jewish.

this was the jpg I was trying to attach earlier

So sorry this is happening to you and your son... I think a refuge for you both is much better as they can help you with benefits to see you through and hopefully rehouse you.
Go as soon as its safe too and dont look back .
Don't live like this xx

A refuge ? At the moment I am worried my son wont move from a 5 bed to a one bed with a sofa bed from me in the living room AND a big screen with all seasons of Bojack Horseman to stream

I will have to wait for the next time his Dad does something like what happened on page 1 of this thread to get momentum with DS again and then will leave the same day next time
DH is bound to annoy him again sooner or later but next time what if its highers around the corner

You don’t need to wait - you can leave and tell DS that you’re leaving and he’s absolutely welcome to come with you, in fact you’d love it if he did, but if he wants to stay with H for now, that’s fine - he’s fine to change his mind at any time. Or you can be really firm and tell him that you’re both leaving, accepting that he may initially not want to come and leave his home comforts.
You need to be the adult and make the decisions - you can’t wait for or expect your son to make this decision for you. He knows what his dad is like and chances are he’ll want to come with you whether immediately or soon after.

You could move to a nice two-bed flat, OP.

He could have his own room to set up as he wishes.

I think that he would much rather have a calm and peaceful home with two bedrooms than a large house where there is a lot of volatility and, occasionally, high drama.

If you can afford the mortgage and private school fees, mainly on your own as you say, I’m sure you wouldn’t be entitled to free legal advice, and I’m also very unsure that you would get on a council house list.

You do not want to move you and your son in to a refuge, he will hate it !

just like you don't want to be moved into emergency Council accommodation. can you imagine your son living on the 14th floor of a tower block and going each day to his Independent school...

I realised this might sound like I was being a bit blunt. It wasn’t meant to be, it was just to let you know really

At least H would not be there calling me a bitch (In Indian Language so no one around can understand but can sometimes read the tone)

Since no contact full on the past week though, not even for daily basics and task sharing of DS fed etc, - its been peaceful tho relatively. If we can with no words at all, I might be able to pass 18-20 months, so close now

That's ridiculous. You can't live like that.

See a solicitor this week.

Remember how I said his salary almost completely saved up from 2024 or so (upto 2023 used to prepay the mortgage on this house we live , but havent prepaid more since past 24-30 months now) - is called 'our savings' - I told him last month I wanted to send DS for the one week medical work experience program at Oxford for 16+ , and he said 'that is too expensive we/you/I do not have money'

Grrrrrrr. I am going to tell him I will have to see a solicitor if he does not transfer half of what is in his bank account as savings now - I think he has almost 50K from the last 24 months saved up. Like right now.

I think keeping us 500 miles away from family is his way of isolating us as well

Like an actual strategy he has deployed for 20 years now, hence he has DS believing where cousins and family live, there is gun crime on the streets everyday in London, BS

Isolation strategy

My biggest problem becomes he immediately gets DS onside saying 'oh mum I do not need expensive work experience'

There's another one offered by St Andrews , ditto same reply - too expensive yada yada

The way to leave a bad relationship, including abusive ones, is to look at all the barriers that prevent you from walking out that second. Then work out how to overcome those barriers, with outside help or therapy or bank loan or whatever. Break each step down into something manageable and then DO.

You seem fixated on creating more barriers OP. Why is that?

' You do not want to move you and your son in to a refuge, he will hate it !
just like you don't want to be moved into emergency Council accommodation. can you imagine your son living on the 14th floor of a tower block and going each day to his Independent school...

At least H would not be there calling me a bitch (In Indian Language so no one around can understand but can sometimes read the tone) '

did you actually read what I wrote about your son - have you any idea, any idea at all how he would cope in a refuge / in the 14th floor of a tower block ?!!!

OP, kindly, you are stuck in limbo and using his behaviour that you have cited above as a reason not to leave. It’s understandable because you have lived with this abuse for years - no one is blaming you but only you can make this change.
You’ve had lots of advice here about what to do - get legal advice for a start and find somewhere else to live. Have you made the appointment?
Your son, although heading towards adulthood is a child still and you need to be the adult here. Like you, he’s stuck in this cycle of abuse and his F’s behaviour is confusing for him - he goes from hating him to trying to please him and that’s understandable. Please show him that this is not what a healthy relationship looks like and leave - your H won’t change, but you can. Be the parent your son needs and set him that example.

If Glasgow / East Renfrewshire has good secondary schools then I expect Edinburgh does too.

Your son will cope better leaving his school now, if his father really really would do that to him financially ! and going to 6th form or whatever it's called in Scotland and living in a 2 bed rental

than he would cope staying at his current school and living in a refuge.

School restarts in August and must be ending soon, if not already due to the completion of his exams

Time to put thoughts/plans into action now

and if you don't gell with your first solicitor then find a different one.

I feel like I 'need a reason' to go see a solicitor right away for financial asset separation etc - given H and I already discussed separating houses / households /assets amicably in 2028 and living separated in same house till then till DS goes to uni

The reason I am going to give him is I go see a solicitor unless he transfers half of the 50K joint savings from his sole account to mine
He will of course refuse as he will want to control how the money is spent of course, then I am justified in going to see advice for financial assets separation legally

I dont believe in seeing a solicitor, womens aid, police without being clear on what help I want and what my goals of /in meeting them are

To clarify half the savings is definitely mine even though it is his salary saved up

As my salary has gone to mortgage, school fees, utlities

Or I could call the cops on his verbal abuse , have him out of the house , take half my savings through a solicitor, so son and I can live in this house and son can continue private education till 2028

I just have to decide how much grace he still deserves, if any

He can cocklodge here for two more years (in his own bedroom ofc), IF he transfers half the savings over