Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

Just get a flat in Scotland so he can keep going to school. You can integrate into a Hindu community in two years if you want when he’s finished. Or do what other people do and make a new community that doesn’t have to be all your own faith…

https://shaktiedinburgh.co.uk/
You can get support navigating the cultural prejudices from Shakti.

Wtf. You are earning good money, paying a mortgage and private school fees - why do you think you need a council house??? And do you really think you will be eligible? Why can’t you pay for legal advice? This is just bullshit delaying tactics.

your poor son.

omg again kindly but through gritted teeth… just go and rent a two bed property and move into it. No need to make any permanent decisions. You could do this on Monday. You don’t need advice or a solicitor or anyone’s permission- you can literally just rent a property and stay there whenever you feel like for as long as you want.

And your son is nearly an adult so your (understandable) fears about his FiL when he was a young boy are not relevant.

Your job is to protect him by telling him the truth about his grandfather and teaching him how to set healthy relationship boundaries - staying in an abusive marriage is teaching him to suppress his needs and do what others want - how do you think that will work out if he chooses to go to India?

everyone here is rooting for you but we are on your son’s side. And you should be too.

@DexterMorgansmum and being on your son’s side does not mean doing what he asks, but what he needs. He is far too young to be making adult decisions for himself. And it’s inappropriate for him to be making any decisions for you.

It is clear he wants to stay in Scotland for his education- that seems fair and sensible as everyone has said. But he shouldn’t get to dictate where you live.

And .you're a fool if you think your husband will play fair in 2 years. Get on the front foot and protect your assets.

you have to factor in CMS from your husband !
and I expect it to be a good decent amount !!!

and btw a good solicitor will make the child support to include ' further and higher education '
that is so important as it means your husband has to help support his son through University.

and I am sure he will want to...

Hey Scooby, have read your advice on many threads and its usually good, likewise @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon ....

If I move into a rental in Edi next week, I wont have enough to send son to Private school and he would have to move to state - H cant be forced to give CMS if he fled to India

Not sure what the situation on the house would be but in any case unfortunately would take upto 8 months to sell and H could choose to stall it even from overseas by insisting on a specific asking price, have read this happen here a lot

I have never ever used any 'benefits' in 20 years here - sorry if it sounded like I was trying to fleece the state or something - immigrants cant even if they wanted to for the first ten years till citizenship and those from capitalist third countries well at least ones like me never even get around to knowing what these are even after eligible

Perhaps what I should have said was mortgage holiday or school fee payment plan rather than council house to tide us over, but it was advice given to me earlier on the thread

A lot of the firm advice on here is great but contradictory

You are making excuses - your husband has not fled to India - yet !
and if he does you can stay in the house
tho I rather expect he will want his share of the money out of the house...

get the legal advice, get the divorce started

and if you run away to Watford and put your son in English state school he may never forgive you as that is too much change...

Is it just the A levels there being harder @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon , why is DS so against moving from scottish to english system - is it really that alien?

surely people move up and down all the time?

If staying in the same school is best for DS, then I cant afford to move out just now - he has to at least agree to a state school here for me to be able to immediately move out

Square Mile is right I think ...there is no way to separate houses without separating finances through legal

A levels aren’t any harder than Highers. Both take learning at lower levels and extend it. The issue is, everything he has done in high school from S3 works towards the Higher exam. The curriculum is different in England so he won’t have the building blocks of his subjects to build on. My daughter has just done her Highers, she is predicted all As, but even she struggled a little with the step up and it took a lot of effort she didn’t have to put in for Nat 5s to get all As. She was talking with friends who did similar A levels to her Highers, and what they have been studying is entirely different.

I moved from England to Scotland and it was absolutely fine. But I did it young enough to be able to adapt.

With regard to your son, I think you need to stop asking and start telling. Tell him what you want to do and he can decide what he wants to do. I’m not sure where in WL you are, but there are some decent state schools close enough, or you could slink away to somewhere else in Scotland, where the state schools have a good reputation.

It's not about separating finances, OP, it's about there being a comprehensive and accurate assessment of all of the assets held within the marriage and then allocating those assets, taking into account provision for your son.

It may be that there is temporary provision, say, for the rent on a flat for you and your son and then long term provision, which may allow you to buy somewhere.

Please see a solicitor this week, so that he or she can go through this with you.

https://www.sdafmh.org.uk/en/

Have you spoken to Shakti Women's Aid? They are an Edinburgh-based charity focusing on helping ethnic minority women out of many kinds of difficult relationships, not just physically violent ones.
Your thinking is influenced by your small community here. These guys can help you think your way through it all. They will understand.

And what about the equity in your current house which will either be sold or your H will have to give you (at least) half to stay there?

Plus your H will be liable to pay half of school fees surely? Or your DS goes to state school but in Scotland to enable him to benefit from free uni in a couple of years? Why on earth you’d rather saddle him with years of student debt and a life in Watford is beyond me.

Which is why you need proper legal advice from a solicitor - something that has been advocated since February but you seemed reluctant to do that. Sorry if you’ve since taken legal advice but the contradictory advice on here is not meant as an alternative to a solicitor giving you specific advice for your circumstances .

In addition OP, your son has told you he doesn’t want to move - part of that is he doesn’t necessarily want change, but it’s a real possibility that part of that is that he’s seen you in the past, do what H has told you.
You can break that cycle by renting that flat with 2 bedrooms and telling him that there is a room available for him whenever he wants, but, if he chooses to stay with H for now that’s fine too.
As others have said, consult a lawyer - H will have to contribute to schooling and the house will be sold.
You have to unfreeze and take action - it’s the fear stopping you, but that first step will give you momentum.

long time lirker here…

You said that with rent you cannot pay for the school without CMS. And that he would not pay CMS if he fled to India. But if he fled to India you could just move straight back into your house, which you can afford!

think about it through, I’m sure you can go ahead and leave this horrible man today

There are, apparently, excellent state schools in East Renfrewshire ( Southside Glasgow ) and you referred to a Temple in Rutherglen - if you drive / have your own car then that would be doable.

I have just googled and there is:

The one I guess you were referring to

The Hindu Temple of Scotland
76 Hamilton Rd, Rutherglen, Glasgow G73 3DQ

I have no idea what schools are like in that ' catchment ' area

The one below is in East Renfrewshire catchment

Mother Earth Hindu Temple Glasgow
14 Larchfield Ct, Newton Mearns, Glasgow G77 5PL

and I believe there are 3 if not more good schools in the drive able vacinity -

and I further believe you would be living in the catchment area for Mearns Castle and Eastwood High if you were living near ish the temple.

Then there is the

Om Hindu Mandir
1 La Belle Pl, Glasgow G3 7LH

I personally don't know the schools on the side of Glasgow but it's in the Hyndland / Kevlingrove area sort of which I believe are ' nice ' / desirable and I am sure there will be a school in that area / Bearsden

and

Sri Mangala Vinayagar Hindu temple & Community Centre
105 Denmark St, Glasgow G22 5EU

I know even less about the area / schools

but if you became serious about moving to the Glasgow area then the good people in Scotland will help with schools in the above areas as I have read more than one thread on, is it a Scotsnet page ?
certainly somewhere on Mumsnet there is / has been threads on Glasgow schools / where to live.

Now whilst it is all good and well running away to a new area with a temple,

what about your job ?

Speak to a domestic abuse organisation that is specifically for Asian/South Asian women:

https://www.kiranss.org.uk/contact-us

https://www.saheli.org.uk/projects/outreach-support

https://sharan.org.uk/contact-us/

There are others. Some of them also offer culturally-sensitive counselling.

Reunite
Reunite runs a 24-hour emergency service for international child abduction cases.

Their advice line on 0116 2556 234 is open Monday to Friday, 9:30 am to 5:00 pm or for information see their website.

The Reunite Child Abduction Prevention Guide provides clear and concise information and practical steps to take if you fear your child is in danger of abduction.

Thank you, If I am staying then Edinburgh and WL is better as I suppose the friends here will help when I really need it , gossip and scandal aside

In awe that there are that many temples in Glasgow that I never heard about though, perhaps some of them (the vinayagar one is clearly Indian) are Jewish temples - well worth checking out ! Edited to say - I see all of them are Hindu ones, I thought I knew them all thanks !

Thank you all so much for all the patience and kindness - MN is with all its tough love, a really really kind and inclusive place, thank you

Thank you book marked

This is true !