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Original poster

Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

456 replies

DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 20:32

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

OP posts:
bitterexwife · 10/02/2026 22:25

Can you hide suitcase in boot of your car?

Lookingtodate · 10/02/2026 22:29

If you think he be spiteful could work fast track changing wages to a different bank account?

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 22:31

Is this text okay to send to H once we are in taxi /train safely tomorrow to Edinburgh

Very upset by your behaviour yesterday evening. I warned you last time this happened that I will not agree to DS being asked to leave the house when it is dark outside and walk around till he apologises - I am not against discipline but it should be fair , kind and proportionate not cruel and punitive. I told you that you cannot force him to get all 8 As and As , as long as he is applying himself and he gets overall decent grades that is enough which he has done already - esp. have requested you to stop telling him he owes you As because you pay his school fees* ....I am going to find a rental near my sister, please take this time to think about next steps as will I too.....

  • he does not actually pay DSs school fees, he set it as a direct debit on the joint account where my salary only comes in so actually I pay it but he keeps saying that anyways. Even if we were paying it, he should not be saying that re owing him A*s
OP posts:
Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 22:32

Lookingtodate · 10/02/2026 22:29

If you think he be spiteful could work fast track changing wages to a different bank account?

thank you yes, I will have to tell them tomorrow, they can open it in a day with our bank

OP posts:
Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 22:33

bitterexwife · 10/02/2026 22:25

Can you hide suitcase in boot of your car?

Taking train not car

OP posts:
rainbowsparkle28 · 10/02/2026 22:34

DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 22:31

Is this text okay to send to H once we are in taxi /train safely tomorrow to Edinburgh

Very upset by your behaviour yesterday evening. I warned you last time this happened that I will not agree to DS being asked to leave the house when it is dark outside and walk around till he apologises - I am not against discipline but it should be fair , kind and proportionate not cruel and punitive. I told you that you cannot force him to get all 8 As and As , as long as he is applying himself and he gets overall decent grades that is enough which he has done already - esp. have requested you to stop telling him he owes you As because you pay his school fees* ....I am going to find a rental near my sister, please take this time to think about next steps as will I too.....

  • he does not actually pay DSs school fees, he set it as a direct debit on the joint account where my salary only comes in so actually I pay it but he keeps saying that anyways. Even if we were paying it, he should not be saying that re owing him A*s

I would not be providing detail on where you will be even in general terms such as near sister, give him as little as possible to be able to trace you. I would also be checking things like location settings etc find my friend if applicable.

Sc00byDont · 10/02/2026 22:36

@DexterMorgansmum That text could be used as ammo in the future. Do not say he pays the fees when he does not.

glad you are leaving tomorrow. Please be safe. Text him when you get there. Don’t tell him where you are. Just tell him

  1. his behaviour was unacceptable.
  2. you are safe So is DS
  3. you all have some thinking to do.
  4. you will get in touch with him again in a few days.
DaffodilTuesday · 10/02/2026 22:37

If you tell him where you are, he will harass your sister surely. When you are safely at your sister, call the local Women’s Aid and get advice. Your main priority is getting somewhere safe, sorting where your salary is going and then working out what to do about DS’s Nat 5s, not what your H thinks. Women’s Aid are experienced and will be able to help you. You can contact Scottish Women’s Aid as well, even though you are not staying locally. They will know how to help with the school issues.

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 22:37

freakingscared · 10/02/2026 22:23

Call the police , let them take him overnight and apply for an emergency non molestation order . He won’t be able to return home .

I feel like that would be it , I mean the marriage is already over when we leave, but calling police won't allow for any amicable settlement/ co parenting should he wish to repair trust with son again in his adult years etc

Even with literally planning this for months, I still feel numb and like this is a surreal movie or something like something made up and not real

23 years of routine is what it is I think, thank God part of me is screaming He deserves this to the other part of me that is profoundly sad

OP posts:
DaffodilTuesday · 10/02/2026 22:37

Also process the emotions later

TartanMammy · 10/02/2026 22:38

Please contact women's aid, they will help you make a plan to get away safely. They might be able to put you in refuge so your son can stay and do his exams. I have a son the same age, I know how important this year is for them.

There's East and Midlothian women's aid and also Edinburgh women's aid near you. If you phone the national helpline they will help you, they are available 24/7 call them 08000271234.

They also have a text/WhatsApp service: 07401288595.

The important thing is keeping you and your son safe. It's hard but you can do this!

GreenJellyBeans · 10/02/2026 22:39

Well done OP - you should be very proud of yourself ❤️

I would keep your text much simpler to be honest.

“I am going with DS to stay elsewhere. I am very upset by how you have behaved recently and I need to put DS‘s safety and wellbeing first. I will be in touch when I have had the time I need to think about what needs to happen next.”

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 22:40

bitterexwife · 10/02/2026 22:23

Have a code word with your sister to call police.
call police or ask someone to do so for you, tell them your plan, so there’s a ‘note on the system’ as such at your address. You never know, police may do a drive by at 6am if quiet.

can you get an Uber rather than calling taxi?

Going to let sister know by call only after we have left , because he can read my whatsapps on his Ipad through linked devices - he is a computer engineer and also has lot of spyware etc that he puts on my and DS phone , like trackers (but DS tracker tbf is to track his safety, but we will switch it off tomorrow morning till we leave at the very least)

OP posts:
AndyMcFlurry · 10/02/2026 22:41

You can withdraw ALL the money from any joint accounts , not just half of it . It all belongs to both of you , not half each . So take it all out now or he can take it .

yes you will have to account for it in the divorce settlement, but that isn’t your main concern now.

Remember that he might have alerts set up on any bank accounts so that he will be notified when there is a withdrawal. So you might have to have everything set up on two devices, e.g. your phone and your laptop or your son’s phone and then try and withdraw all the money simultaneously..

bitterexwife · 10/02/2026 22:42

How are you managing to pack etc? where is he?

Ponderingwindow · 10/02/2026 22:44

can you take a later train? Pretend you are going to work and school. Get H to work. Then leave once he is gone, even if son has to double-back to the house.

Sc00byDont · 10/02/2026 22:44

Would it be easier and safer to pretend to go to work and school in the morning and then return home to pack and take a later train once your husband has left for work?

ProfessorInkling · 10/02/2026 22:44

I would urge you to get new phones if you can afford it.

turn the old one on only to text him and turn it back off again before you get far.

you don’t owe him anything.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 10/02/2026 22:46

So it’s a joint account but only your money goes into it? What about his money? Is he contributing to the house?

SliceofTosst · 10/02/2026 22:47

I think trying to sneak out is very risky. Can't you wait until he's gone to work.

Also do not say you are near your sister.

Good luck and glad your ds is onside.

AndyMcFlurry · 10/02/2026 22:47

I understand what you are saying about trying to not involve the Police and hoping that your husband will be amicable or reasonable and try and have a relationship with your son.

I have been are and thought all the same things. I tried to be fair and reasonable in the separation and divorce for exactly the same reasons as you. However, my-ex-husband turned out to be evil and vindictive annd fought for three years in the divorce to destroy me .

however reasonable I thought I was being it made no difference. But because in his terms I had committed the worse sin in the world by leaving . nothing I did afterwards made it any better. He was only happy if he got everything and as I had three children to support, I couldn’t allow that.

So what I’m saying is that you have to do what’s safest for you and your son and not try to not worry about escalating things. If your husband is the kind of father who refuses to see his child forever more because you called the police to keep you safe, he’s going to do that anyway .

I really wish that I had put myself on my children first many years before I actually did.

From my own experience of leaving an unpleasant man that you put as little as possible in writing. Any texts should be extremely brief. Don’t bother trying to justify yourself or put your side of the argument. He doesn’t care - just keep it short and factual.

AndyMcFlurry · 10/02/2026 22:52

Also about Air Bnb- he can only track where you’re staying if you have a joint account or he has the password to your account.

If the money is coming out of a joint bank account, he will see that the payments have gone to Airbnb but that won’t tell them where you’re staying.

Alternatively, you can pay for the Airbnb via PayPal . of course it has to be your own PayPal account and not a joint one. That way he will only see that the money is leaving the account to go to Paypal, but not that it’s going to Air Bnb.

fozziebear2 · 10/02/2026 22:54

Don’t send the text. Too much information, tell him youve gone and that you both are safe. Tell him you’ll be in touch and leave it at that. Anything you say can be used against you later. Give no clue to your whereabouts and tell your sister to block his number too. Is there a chance he could turn up at her house?

Original poster
DexterMorgansmum · 10/02/2026 22:54

TartanMammy · 10/02/2026 22:38

Please contact women's aid, they will help you make a plan to get away safely. They might be able to put you in refuge so your son can stay and do his exams. I have a son the same age, I know how important this year is for them.

There's East and Midlothian women's aid and also Edinburgh women's aid near you. If you phone the national helpline they will help you, they are available 24/7 call them 08000271234.

They also have a text/WhatsApp service: 07401288595.

The important thing is keeping you and your son safe. It's hard but you can do this!

Edited

We will likely come back after the mid terms, if they can't arrange for him to remote study /exam from there - but by then have plans in place here for rental/shared rental and give H a cooling off period of 2 weeks so he is calmer when we are back

I will call Edinburgh women's aid tomorrow and see about emergency council housing etc , thanks - close to school

My head is all over the place, thank you all so much God bless the kind MNers on here , can't express my gratitude clearly atm. Good night, I wish I was a braver person

OP posts:
Pinklady81 · 10/02/2026 22:54

I would do what the other poster said get up as normal and let son go to school then if he is out get stuff and leave do not tell him where you are . Make sure you have copies of everything screenshots if needed and let people know you are safe. Turn off all locations on phones and keep us updated how you are thinking of you