Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

You need to let the solicitor deal with the bank accounts.

Keep your own counsel for the time being.

What is the Oxford Medical Work Experience course? How would your son benefit?

Why on earth would you tell an abusive husband that you have a solicitors appointment.
Give your head a shake and keep such things to yourself - you need all the advice/info you can get before you start a divorce.

unless you are turning all this into a money thing

but I thought you were wanting out of an abusive relationship
and for your son to be happy and safe

Realistically no women's refuge will accept a 16yr old boy living there so cross that one off your list. He might be your son, legally he might be a child, but he is too similar in height, build, voice, gait to a man and women are put in refuges to escape men, all men.

They might advise where to get financial advice, point to supportive landlords, therapy etc, and they might offer OP a temporary place but not with her son. She's better off asking CAB or Women's Aid.

I dont believe in seeing a solicitor, womens aid, police without being clear on what help I want and what my goals of /in meeting them are
To leave, surely??

Why on earth would you tell your husband you are going to see a solicitor?

Do not tell him.

Do not tell your son.

Your reason is to get legal advice on how you can safely separate from your husband asap whilst ensuring you get a fair share of the family assets and also how you protect your son’s best interests in the process.

In your situation I would also want to urgently understand how you can legally prevent your husband taking your child and your money to India and not returning either.

OP do not tell him you are seeing a solicitor - you don’t need to tell him anything. You need to change your mindset here - he’s not going to ‘separate amicably’ in 2028 - he’ll find another reason to not.
You want a reason to consult a solicitor? Ok, here you go, here’s 10:
He’s been physically abusive to you
He’s been verbally abusive to you
He’s been verbally abusive to your son
He’s threatened to kidnap your son
He’s threatened to move countries without you
He’s not contributing to the mortgsge
He’s not contributing to your son’s school fees
He’s hiding money from you
Living with him is so awful that you’ve started more than one thread on Mumsnet asking for help
Living with him is setting a terrible blueprint for your son on what relationships look like

Are those enough?

Yes, I don't understand why op would do this, it seems counter productive.

@DexterMorgansmum are you thinking your husband will ultimately have some epiphany where he falls to his knees and begs forgiveness and releases the money he has witheld to you? He won't and waiting around until he does and releases some money to you is ridiculous and not going to happen. He's likely to remain stubborn to the end.

I would get out now and rent a place nearby and, of course, see a solicitor who will be able to advise on all the financials and make things much clearer.

Yes, keep your plans entirely to yourself. Don’t share them with your son or your husband. See a solicitor, find a forensic accountant if there’s a chance your H has squirrelled money away or offshore, and make your plans in secret.

i would also consider hiding your passport, birth certificate, marriage certificate, and your son’s official documents (especially if you fear your husband taking your son overseas). Also hide precious objects and photos, that sort of thing. Out of the house somewhere your H cannot access them.

Once everything is ready you can leave and file for divorce and be protected physically and financially. If you tell him your plans he can preempt them and take your money and your son.

I believe what a pp has said - you seem fixated on finding more and more barriers to stay, it’s really hard to give advice to someone that has such a closed mindset.

Yeah I get what you are saying but the op has been through a lot of abuse and she says herself her mind is all over the place.

It takes a long time, and a lot of emotional go back and fore before someone who has experienced long term abuse to realise and act on it.

@DexterMorgansmum

I'm in the US, so it may be different in the UK.

You need to see a solicitor about getting a legal separation. Where I am (again, US) the 'financials' are exactly the same as a divorce wrt division of assets, child support (US term), and an agreement could be made for who pays for what as far as DS's schooling and the household expenses should you remain living together (ie it's specified that you are each responsible for 50% of the household running costs). The only difference is that with a legal separation you remain legally married.

I left DH and we have no minor children so maintenance/educational expenses were not a part of it. Financially it works out much better for me in the long run that we remain legally married. Our finances are completely separated, our joint assets have been divided, we are no longer responsible for the other's debts, and when our house is sold it is already laid out how the profit will be divided. Even if DH and I were to 'reunite' (which won't happen) I would still keep all finances just as they are, completely separate.

So, yes, you DO have a reason to see a solicitor pronto.

And FGS, do NOT tell your H that you're seeing a solicitor. It's only going to result in him hiding or 'divesting' himself of money. And I'm sure his family would be only too glad to 'hold onto' his money in India for him under their names until the legalities are completed.

OP you deserve peace and happiness - you’re not happy in your current situation and you can change it. Get legal advice and find out your options. You and your son can have a better future.

OP, I'm sorry but I find this thread distressing and frustrating in equal measure.

You involved your 15/16 year old DS far too much in your decision-making. And still haven't made any decisions. You are a capable adult woman who functions im a corporate role. You are bankrolling your family, paying mortgage and private school fees. You can make the right decisions in the best interest of your son and yourself.

If fleeing hundreds of miles to the refuge of your sister is the best thing then do so over the summer. Look for 6th forms near her and somewhere to live. Properly look into it and not just a list of superselective schools around the m25. You will need to research what it's like for someone your son's age to transition to the English school system and find out what the admissions process is.

If you or your son is in imminent danger then obviously disregard this and go - you to a friend, a shelter, your sister, your son to a friend, shelter if they will accept him, your sister...

If you want to maintain stability and some connection with your H and your son's schooling then be bold and brave and tell your DH to leave. You have been paying mortgage and school fees. Does your son want to stay at the same school for Highers or could he move to State? That would free up a lot of money. And if your son wants to attend Scottish university the funding will be beneficial.

@DexterMorgansmum sorry if my comment yesterday was a bit harsh. I was in an abusive relationship too and it did take 5 years to leave.
i did put obstacles in the way too for a while. However you need to stop this or you will have no clarity of thinking. Or an exit plan. Please stop consulting your son - he does not need this responsibility nor is he an adult and can have so much say. You sound like mentally you have broken down, you don’t know which way to turn. Are you able to access some therapy?

DO NOT tell your H you are going to see a solicitor!!

Why would your son be taken to India? I haven't read through your thread for a while but from what I remember your son doesn't like his dad and he only speaks to him in one word answers. If i remember correctly your son wanted yous to leave his dad so why would he be encouraged to go to India with him?

Let's be honest, you are going nowhere. Everyone is going round in circles for months giving you good advice but you are expressiong you want the fairytale ending to your marriage with good memories. What good memories? Do you think your H is thinking about the fairytale, amicable ending to his marriage? I think you need to get real.

I'm sorry this probably sounds harsh but only you can help yourself x

Oh for goodness sake this thread is complete click bait and has been going on for months. If half the stuff that this person has claimed is going on has gone on then social services should be involved. People please stop indulging them - its click bait

Hello, I had not posted in June as I was too ashamed to after the Henry Nowak news , being part of the Indian community. It did not seem right to come on here and ask for help and advice and support, I was just too shamed, sad and horrified.

Anyway some good news from my side, and thought I would update @AcrossthePond55 , @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon , @TheSquareMile, @Flyndo and the other kind supporters following this thread and taking the time to support (including you @Cherry85, I remember you are here up in Edinburgh too, I am not clickbait spam I promise!, just a rather sad/pathetic woman in her mid-life trying to gather up more and more resolve each day that passes)

So - we (DS and I) finally went on that trip to England we planned way back when in February when I first started the thread and had almost a week out there, with him gathering some work exp needed for uni, and then us meeting family - and I have had some kind of revelation, I guess and realised what was right for me was what you alll had been saying all along. I actually do not want to move to England just to be nearer to the women in my family - I want to stay here, and have son finish schooling and go to University right here and just take a small pad to live near his school and then his uni. After I realised that is actually what I want in fact, everything else seems so much easier and practical logistics only left now , no huge disruptions needed.

I geniunely do not know if it was a myraid of reasons (heatwaves down south, all the differences feeling like big changes, the fact that family support is just as good from afar over whatsapp, I dont actually want to see them 365 days a year or anywhere near that much, at least not now at this stage in life where I am not elderly yet for a good while more).

Everything that all of you had been saying and I could not see...what I do need after moving out, is my own tribe and even if I do not get that, I know I will be okay.

Thanks all.....

Fantastic update. Please do not think any of us are here to judge you over the isolated actions of an individual. You are a regular poster and you’ve been through a lot.
Getting your own place will bring you such peace. You don’t need to have any tribe at all yet - that will come in time.
You have made huge progress here. Well done!

@DexterMorgansmum

I'm so glad you've found 'your own truth'. There's a real peace in that.

Are you actively looking for your own place? I can't tell you the peace that comes when you shut your own front door and shut the world (and your H!) outside. My reason for leaving was very different than yours, but your result will be the same. You will truly be able to 'breathe'.

That's a good update op. Wishing you strength through the next stage.

I’m so pleased for you, that you are seeing a clearer path to a future you want. And it will work for your son, too.

Good support from anon mn community!

Really pleased to know that you managed to get away and take a break to think about what you want and need. As other posters have said, there is such peace to living in your own space. It's made me never want to go back to sharing with a partner again.

I've been watching this thread for a while and that is the best update!

Really hope for the best for you and your son! You'll have support wherever you go, online or small community for the next stage! X

Really great update @DexterMorgansmum ❤️ Now that you have clarity on what you would like your future to look like, I hope that you can make it happen soon.

And please don’t feel any shame about that terrible death. No community should feel shame for the actions of one bad apple. I hope no-one in real life has treated you badly because of it 💐