Might need to leave home tonight with DS, big fight with H!

[DexterMorgansmum]

Hi I have another thread on here that spans months where I have been waiting and biding my time till son finishes Nat 5s this May for us to leave home, or to ask H to leave - H also said he might leave in August. Things have been strained with some almost normal like days where conversation is pleasant, but some ugly scenes now and then
Think H thinks when push comes to shove we love him and hence we will stay - we do love him as family (with him 23 years) but I dont think we can stay anymore

Today, he had some sort of blow up verbally with DS15 (turns 16 this weekend !, and we are in Scotland) and he asked DS15 to stop rolling his eyes and show respect, he needs to study 2 hours a day etc the usual - suddenly I heard him from upstairs say to DS to leave home and come back when ready to apologise -its 8pm pitch dark cold and lonely at this time of year outside in west lothian outside edinburgh

I went with son which angered H further , we walked around the estate once and came back as I could not walk anymore in the cold - I promised him if he gave a fake apology for now, we could discuss what to do when back upstairs warm and dry
So, my son does not want to wait till summer hols and wants us to leave now - he has already texted his friend and said his father's body langauge was physically threatening toward me , his mum, when I said I was going to go out with him and would not let him walk around alone (instead of siding with H on the too harsh punishment)
I am thinking of either taking a taxi tomm morning and getting a hotel room near DS school as Nat 5 assignments this week and he cant take more than one day off I would have thought at max - or to wait till saturday and then we leave. Hotel till funds run out and find an air bnb /spareroom co.uk/ rental. as early as possible. I have told son if there is any intimidation by H tonight I will call the police , I almost think DS was planning to just stay out as late as he dared tonight if I had not gone with him, and how safe would that have been for him???
I cant let this go on.....

Even though I have known for a while H leaves me with no choice, my mind is still extremely confused about taking this step , now instead of slowly over the summer.
Any advice pls ?

It good that you have made a decision about what you really want and it will make it easier to move forward. You can start making it happen.
You aren’t responsible for someone else’s actions just because they are from the same background so don’t feel ashamed on their behalf. There are violent and nasty people of every nationality and also good kind people.

I’m glad being away from your husband gave you a taste of how happy life can be. Please try and build on it.

There is not hate towards your community for the tragic death of Henry. There are always terrible people from all communities ( though thankfully they are the minority).

Thank you everyone who posted....This thread has been very useful to come back to every time I lose my train of thoughts re a logical plan.....

I have started seeing a therapist for counselling recently and it has been helping as well..... we are working on setting some realistic goals for the next 12 months with a view to deciding on the best time and manner in which for me to move out of the family home given H shows no signs of leaving nor wishes/intends to apart from vague threats that he has realised do not have the effect he intends (me begging him to stay?!).

Some points we are working through

1. I cannot afford an apartment in the city unless I move DS to state school for these last two years of high school. DS wants to stay at the same school.
2. H is not contributing at all to - family home mortgage or school fees or Council tax+ utilities at the mo. I keep reminding him to put in at least 1K in the joint account where all the bills go, but to be honest, he only puts some money in when he knows other expenses are hitting the joint account like the family car MOT, repairs, a new tv to replace the broken one, additional one-off extras for DS like textbooks. If that. He says he is paying for all the weekly family groceries from his salary in another account, that is pretty much the only monthly fixed bill. We are trying to figure out how I can change this to him contributing more into that account.
3. I am still hoping he gets unhappy enough that he just leaves - so DS and I do not have to.
4. I have my own room and live separate to him in the same house. We do stuff separately with DS. The rare appearances in public at social events together are extremely rare now and only when DS wants it specifically.
5. It may be that I need to wait another 12 months to be able to afford to leave.

And I have also got an appointment for legal advice now for next week, to get a clearer picture of what our respective legal rights are.

With an experienced Family Law solicitor, OP?

You're sounding more proactive, less reactive OP. More "you". Good for you.

Great update. I imagine from
a finance angle until DH pays/contributes to school fees it will be difficult to get him to change

Yes, uptill around 2024 I think, he was annually paying down the mortgage with the savings in his account - so there is not a huge mortgage left, but it is not tiny either ! -for the past year or so now, I do not see prepayments anymore in the mortgage and I do not see an annual ISA or term deposits either in both names as he has done before this mortgage was taken - He is officially a cocklodger now.

@TheSquareMile , yes and recommended by someone who is a friend IRL whom I have confided my situation to locally, is apparently not just v experienced but not too expensive.

Is the bills account in joint names? If so either remove yourself or get him off it! If its still in joint names you have no recourse to claim half of the expenses back even though anyone can see hes not putting in what he needs. And he cant claim occupational rent as hes still in the property.

He is a cock lodger though. And you can pity/laugh at his next victim. How pathetic.

I have just discovered my ex hasn't paid a penny never mind 50% of an upcoming ski trip in winter. Payments started in Jan and final payment is Sep. Only prompted because DD suddenly announced she no longer wanted to go, will do it in senior year etc etc and got really arsey with me.......so i contacted school. Dd is minimising and probably embarrassed hes told her hes skint..... his lifestyle suggests otherwise. Its on parenting app we were using he agrees to pay and loves to throw in the children are 50/50 in solicitor letters. My family are clubbing together his half!!! Waste of fucking oxygen.....but is currently on holiday with his rich gf and is taking dd away in 2 weeks.

That's shocking to hear @CombatBarbie , that your ex says he is skint to DD but goes on an expensive holiday with girlfriend !

I must admit a part of me feels extremely bitter at the thought that all the money H has hoarded these past 2-3 years in just his name and has refused to prepay mortgage with it will all soon be spent probably on a new woman once I have left. Even if there is no new woman and I fight for the money, He will never give me my share of it and would rather spend it all on lawyer's fees fighting any financial settlement in court till the money is all gone - it is the principle of it for them isn't it? that we had/have the temerity to walk out on them......

Although if cocklodger implies I am still having sex with him, then no. His cock is lodging on its own in the master bedroom and I am in peace with the door closed on it, in the guest room

If you were serious about leaving your husband it would have been done and dusted months ago. I reread all your posts, and concluded, financials are regarded above your own freedom and happiness. Unfortunately it sounds that you and your husband, are fixated on your son’s education and grades. The pressure on him must be unbearable, did he ever get a chance to decide what he wants in life? I doubt it, as parents your aim was presumably we are paying for your education and we want to see a return on it.
If you had to start again, you certainly would for your own peace of mind, however you need to drop the financial concerns. If your son was as intellectually competent as you believe, he would shine through whatever educational establishment he was placed in.
You cannot have it all in life, self indulging teaches you nothing but selfishness.

I think you’re being harsh, although I agree your fundamental point, I also don’t feel the op has any intention of leaving this marriage. However I would not rashly change my child’s school for the last two years, that’s a huge upheaval for them, and could be very damaging, and impact their future, it is rather puerile to suggest if they are capable then change and quality of education doesn’t matter, it does.

@Icepinkeskimo , It is DS who does not want to leave the comforts of the family home though or the private school ....he wants me to stay till his exams and uni entrance is sorted and says it is only 18 months more at this point ....when I have waited this long already why not a little more is the question I face from him....

He seems to have after crossing 16 , and 6 months counting now, made it clear to his dad he will do what he wants with his studies and uni choices and his life, and has made it clear no one can push him into anything.....

Not saying I have handled this well or anything though, I do agree I have messed things up by not leaving a good 10 or even 5 years ago ....

I will take a flat near his uni though and stay on my own, in that if I have not left already, for sure summer 2028 it will happen.

I know my thread is no poster for how to be brave, but perhaps helpful to others slowly and painstakingly trying to leave.

Your post has made me think though about the emphasis on finance ......and if that is underneath it all the only thing stopping me .....thank you.

However, if you put the current house up for sale both you and your husband can afford to buy elsewhere and pay the school fees for the next 2 years.

You are not allowing your son to make all the decisions, are you.

So son - school or family home, I can't afford both.

Ah it’s hard. When you actually leave is the most dangerous time.

I tried to plan it out and keep it amicable. It all blew up in my face and I had to resort to fleeing the country after he’d left on a trip of a few days and filing a police report. He ended up arrested and is waiting on a court date and they did a protection order so I’m back in my home with my daughter and he is in some court appointed accommodation until the court date.

All I am saying is even if you have to leap with nothing set up to leap to, do it anyway. Things could be bubbling away and your situation could get very dangerous very fast. The thought you can make it to September 2028 doesn’t seem realistic to me if it’s a DV situation.

Hes been quietly pouting that I have moved at work from 5 days a week to 3.5 days to have more balance.

I still do not see any real contributions to mortgage or school fees, and no school fees for June and July has given a breather, hoping for a performance bonus at work in Feb to tide me over mid year till nex summer's school fees breather. Almost there.....

Son is wanting to do more med work experience and has been applying to NHS lothian work experience stuff....but I am starting to wonder if state school friends of his are higher on the priority list for the NHS lothian volunteering roles as he keeps getting wait listed - fingers crossed

This morning I asked H to transfer 500 quid to the joint account so we can pay for the online work experience at oxford uni one week course - and H pretty much told me to get lost

So whoever said he was pushing for DS uni - he is not even doing that in a meaningful way. I wonder why he is still around all the time.

Sorry to hear that @SummerFeverVenice , youve been very brave !

Mine seems to have ramped up the financial abuse in terms of not contributing to any of the joint bills that were joint commitments, has gone all quiet on the verbal abuse now at least

He and DS barely talk too

OP, would this be an opportunity for your son when applications open again?

https://www.firstaid.org.uk/student-volunteer-scotland/

I wonder whether he would be eligible to do this course in the meantime

https://www.firstaid.org.uk/courses/emergency-first-aid-g/

Thanks @TheSquareMile , looking at the link now....

Hope your weekend is going well....

Another possibility for him.

www.rcpe.ac.uk/heritage/schools-lecture-2026-entry

Wow thanks , hadn't seen this, defo booking in for DS if he wants me to

Appreciate all your help @TheSquareMile

There is also an Open Day in September at Edinburgh University which includes a visit to the Medical School, OP.

The later one, to be held in October, doesn't include that because of the early application dates for Medicine.

https://study.ed.ac.uk/undergraduate/open-days-events-visits/open-day

In terms of work experience has he tried at the less glamorous end? Care homes can be good practical experience and relatively easy to find. Under 18s aren't allowed to do personal care (in England anyway) but they can still make themselves useful and get some good practice in building rapport with residents.

School may also be able to sort out opportunities.

Yep he applied to care home nearby too @flyndo, no calls yet but a friend suggested he needs to get dressed up (her son went in suit with tie etc) formally and go in person to the care home and put his case to them as to why he wants the work experience and would be very grateful etc. The whole family went with him !

That's on mine and DSs list now, he wants me to come along as well I think on a weekday , probably week after next.

Thanks