DH bought sex toys for himself

[namechannger]

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

Exactly.

If the security of a marriage relies upon the wife being up for it daily, then I think I’d rather take my chances and get a divorce.

Sorry op but porn is a LOT more harmful to women than fake vagina toys

Nothing wrong with that. Masturbation is natural and why should men not be allowed to buy sex toys for themselves?

What exactly are the toys? There are some disgusting things out there. If they're just regular toys then yes YABU

In summary OP YANBU.

Sex anyway "just not as much as he would like"
Onlyfans/porn/sextoys I just saw. Ick Central.

A historian friend of mine has the same theory: If civilisation went back to Greek times where men satisfied themselves sexually with other men, they could have as much sex as they wanted and female rape and sexual harassment would massively diminish.

It's not a bad theory (I'm a lesbian so it doesn't bother me).

@namechannger I get what you're saying about the toy. Whilst your feelings are valid, this will sound harsh, but you need to suck this one up and deal with it. I can understand why it bothers you, but I expect it bothers you less than the relationship ending, or, and I don't condone this, him straying.

At the end of the day, there are bound to be plenty of men that aren't particularly happy that their wives have an 8 inch vibrating recreation of a penis of the proportions that they can only dream about, in their bedside cabinet that brings their wives to orgasm in seconds, on multiple occasions and can last as long as a duracell battery. But they put this unease to one side and park it because they know that it enhances their wives pleasure, with or without their presence.

What is your DH doing to help you increase your libido? A little bit of housework???

Sorry but I find it a bit controlling?

If my o/h told me I wasn't allowed toys and he got the ick, I'd laugh in his face.

It's your husband's body and right to do what he wants.

No one should ever force you to have sex and rightly so. But you also can't have it both ways and be put off by him using toys.

I'd rather that then finding someone behind my back.

Maybe you need to find a compromise together.

Do you spend much time as couple? When was the last time you went out just you two?

Making time for each other is important and if you can build a rapport again, you may find your libido comes back for him.

I came on this thread to make your point about more abstractly-styled toys being available, and also to recommend the Satisfyer Men One as an alternative to a vulva-like sheath toy.

FWIW, I don't like penis-like vibrators and dildos. I prefer more abstract styling in both male and female toys.

OP does mention that he tries hard to do his share when not in work. Unfortunately its a line that always gets wheeled out. Man with low sex drive = get therapy, hes having an affair, shape up or ship out, LTB. Woman with low sex drive = He's not pulling his weight around the house, do more housework!

No one should ever force you to have sex and rightly so. But you also can't have it both ways and be put off by him using toys.

Well, actually she can. He may choose to end the relationship which is his right, but she absolutely can not have much/any sex and still be put off by him using toys.

Did he get one that looks like a vulva because there are more 'clinical' looking ones which function the same way.

She can be put off, but she'd be best not pulling a long face, and trying to guilt him about it. I agree with PP who say that this thread would be very different if it were a man trying to control a woman's use of sex toys. Unless this is a reverse and this is indeed what's happening (which I don't think) then the OP is being very unreasonable and trying to deny her DH his bodily autonomy, which seriously won't end well.

In what universe is she not being unreasonable!? Mumsnet world, clearly, where all women are perfect saints, put upon, and misunderstood, and all men are bastards.

Because they have sex. Because he is not just having a wank. He is/has been using only fans porn and now (what sounds like) dubious toys.

At first I thought the same as you. Then I looked up Love Honey. Revolting.

What on earth is wrong with Lovehoney? It's a sex toy website?

AIBU to be finding this whole thing hilarious
🤣🤣🤣

I do not want my bf wanking using a fake arsehole watching porn.

Thanks.

I think everybody is allowed to pleasure them selves.

He has needs, id rather that than he go elsewhere for it

HAHAHAHA possibly one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen on here 🤣 “love honey, revolting” 🤣 you’d probably be a lot less miserable if you made an order yourself chick

She can be put off, but she'd be best not pulling a long face, and trying to guilt him about it.

If you read OPs posts, you’ll be pleased to see she hasn’t done this and hadn’t denied him anything. She wanted to talk her feelings through with other women @VanityDiesHard

What about a cock ring or buying some lube? Just because you don’t like one thing they sell why would you say the whole site is disgusting?

I looked up FLESH LIGHTS