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Original poster

DH bought sex toys for himself

339 replies

namechannger · 14/11/2023 12:58

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

OP posts:
Torganer · 14/11/2023 13:09

It’s irrelevant what other people do. Talk to you husband about why you uncomfortable with this. If you can’t come to a compromise, then I think you need to decide if it is a dealbreaker for your relationship.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 14/11/2023 13:12

I think YABU, yes. What your husband does with his own body is not in your control or for you to affect, and I would give very short shrift indeed to any man who kicked off if his female partner bought a vibrator. What does it take away from you to have him finding ways to give himself pleasure by himself?

If you don't want to know about these things, ask him not to tell you or involve you in any way, but these feelings are for you to deal with.

Deargodletitgo · 14/11/2023 13:13

You don't want sex with him and yet he has sexual needs. So his hand is ok, but a toy isn't?

Good luck on any man who suggested the same to a woman!

GimpMasksAndWagonWheels · 14/11/2023 13:16

It's unfair to expect him to be totally celibate. He clearly needs / wants something, so if sex is off the table from you, the only other alternative is to look outside of the marriage.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 14/11/2023 13:18

Ime the type of satisfaction available for YOU via toys may see you feeling more up for it!! So to speak! The Don't Knock It Til You've Tried It team here.

Gardeningtime · 14/11/2023 13:19

I think you’re being unfair. You don’t want to have sex with him and want to control how he wanks. Cmon now, what part of that do you think is ok?

MrsPinkL · 14/11/2023 13:19

Well you don’t want to have sex, his a sexual being so what do suggest? If dh told me he didn’t want sex but I wasn’t allowed to use toys I’d tell him very un politely to bugger off.

You can’t expect someone that wants sex to not enjoy wanking, toys etc because you who doesn’t want sex doesn’t like it

Mrsttcno1 · 14/11/2023 13:19

YABU, what he does with his own body for his own pleasure is nothing to do with you. Unless he’s asking you to participate in a way that makes you uncomfortable, he can do whatever he wants with himself.

Gettingbysomehow · 14/11/2023 13:21

I can't see what the problem is, at least it's not Only Fans or strip clubs or prostitutes, BUT men and their damned libidos. Men would be better of having gay partners then they could have as much sex as they want.
Bring back bromide.

LolaSmiles · 14/11/2023 13:24

Well you don’t want to have sex, his a sexual being so what do suggest? If dh told me he didn’t want sex but I wasn’t allowed to use toys I’d tell him very un politely to bugger off.

You can’t expect someone that wants sex to not enjoy wanking, toys etc because you who doesn’t want sex doesn’t like it
I agree with this. What someone does with their own body is up to them.

justalittlesnoel · 14/11/2023 13:26

Gardeningtime · 14/11/2023 13:19

I think you’re being unfair. You don’t want to have sex with him and want to control how he wanks. Cmon now, what part of that do you think is ok?

Definitely this imo.

I'd also find it odd you're happy with porn so watching other women / men, but not him using a toy?

toddlermom9 · 14/11/2023 13:27

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

He is 100% right.

SomeoneSaidSomethingAboutSometime · 14/11/2023 13:28

Leave him to it, its his body.

Those fake vagina things are repulsive imo though so if it’s one of those 🤮

Nogooddeed7 · 14/11/2023 13:29

🤷‍♀️ I can see his point if I’m honest

Planesmistakenforstars · 14/11/2023 13:30

Of course he's not unreasonable to use toys.
But if you are having obligation sex and never sex that you really desire then that is going to cause problems for you both.
You mention that you work and have young children. Are the responsibilities for house chores, child care and life admin unequal? Because if they are that could be part of the problem. Being the default maid and mum to everyone, including a grown man, can be a big libido killer.

Mamato29192 · 14/11/2023 13:30

Yabu

Foxblue · 14/11/2023 13:31

I think you are being unreasonable, and perhaps this is down to some unconscious bias, like some people do have the view that it's more 'normal' for women to use toys, and that men using toys is seedy and weird. But you'd struggle to find anyone who'd be able to explain to you why they find it weird for women not men without giving a sexism based answer, I think. It's good you are questioning this reaction in yourself!
I'm guessing from the way you've phrased this that you yourself don't use toys, have you ever done? Just wondering if maybe a lack of experience using toys solo might also be casting over this.
Tbh, it sounds like you are both making efforts to both work on and meet halfway on this, so it would be a pity if you made your husband feel uncomfortable on this really. It doesn't sound like there's any spite, it sounds like he's made a practical step, as wild as that sounds. Hope you manage to untangle this one in your head.

ScarboroughHair · 14/11/2023 13:32

YABU, you have an issue in your relationship and he has found something that will help. I actually think it's a positive thing, he's committed to you and respects that you don't want much sex right now, so he's looking for a solution. Surely it's better than him feeling frustrated or mithering you when it's clear you don't want it?

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 14/11/2023 13:33

Genuinely shocked you don't like the idea of him using sex toys but are totally 'ok' with him watching porn which will often feature woman who have been trafficked. Unbelievable.

EBearhug · 14/11/2023 13:34

men and their damned libidos.

In some relationships, the woman has the higher libido- plenty of MN threads that way round.

The issue is the mismatched libidoes, whichever way round it goes.

Toys would not really bother me (I have my own collection, after all.) I'd want assurance he was cleaning them properly. (I'd also be interested to know if they did the job - a single male friend has complained about the lack of sex toys for men that actually feel OK.)

But they do bother the OP. I don't think it's reasonable to stop him using them, but fine to insist it's kept out of your way. I would ask myself questions about why I'm not comfortable with it, though. That often brings up the real thing I'm worried about.

EtiennePalmiere · 14/11/2023 13:36

You're technically being unreasonable but I agree with you, it's absolutely a double standard that I don't find anything off putting about a woman having a vibrator, but I think those fleshlight type things are horrible. Probably it's because real woman are commodified in a way men aren't.

In your situation I'd leave him to it because it wouldn't be fair, but I'd get the ick even further.

OrlandointheWilderness · 14/11/2023 13:40

Gettingbysomehow · 14/11/2023 13:21

I can't see what the problem is, at least it's not Only Fans or strip clubs or prostitutes, BUT men and their damned libidos. Men would be better of having gay partners then they could have as much sex as they want.
Bring back bromide.

I'm sorry but what the fuck?!?!?
I'm the one with a sky high sex drive in our relationship and I'd be pretty passed if DP said I couldn't use toys.

Are you seriously saying that you think people with a high sex drive should be drugged out of it!?! And that gay men are constantly in the mood like some kind of machines?!?

OrlandointheWilderness · 14/11/2023 13:40

*pissed

DugInLikeAnAlabamaTick · 14/11/2023 13:42

Yeah I would be a little grossed out by this too to be honest

but then I have never used a vibrator or even had the thought to

beAsensible1 · 14/11/2023 13:45

OP you know it’s a double standard.

he is entitled to pleasure in his own body and if he wants to use a toy, because let’s be frank using you hand is tiring for everyone why shouldn’t he.

toys are aids to make sex easier, different & more enjoyable. Why should he not be allowed because he’s a man.

I can understand if it’s a sex doll etc but other than that within the realms of reasonableness is fine.

seems he can’t win.

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