DH bought sex toys for himself

[namechannger]

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

There can be lots of things that cause sexual disgust. Doesn't have to be cleanliness or sexual ethics.

For women, things that take away from our view of masculinity can cause sexual disgust....some women will think it's creepy,weird or pathetic for a man to be humping a plastic arse for example, ethics and cleanliness don't come into it. They just get an image in their head of the man doing something like that and it turns them off their partner.

some women will think it's creepy,weird or pathetic for a man to be humping a plastic arse for example, ethics and cleanliness don't come into it.

I bet that if I asked "why" often enough and refused to take "it just is, alright?" as an answer, the "creepy, weird, or pathetic" response to a man "humping a plastic arse" would be an intuitive objection to the unethical male practice of objectifying women's bodies. The plastic arse and realistic fleshlight-type toys are objects that look like detached parts of women, frequently cast from real women's bodies. These realistic toys reduce women to nothing more than vulvas, anuses, and mouths for men's pleasure, and in doing so condition men to think of actual women the same way.

As I said, sexual disgust is rooted in cleanliness or ethics.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia
As I said, sexual disgust is rooted in cleanliness or ethics.

Who or what made you the authority on this? 😂
You're taking a theory and running with it as fact. It's not fact

The five whys is a technique that has received much criticism.

You obviously have your own beliefs on this and you think that everyone else must share the same core underlying beliefs, which simply isn't the case at all in any way.

You'd be the worst person to be asking people their ' five whys' because you already know what answer you want to lead them to! You need to be more open minded.

So, other than "it just is, alright?", why would you find it creepy, weird, or pathetic for a man humping a plastic arse?

The five whys is a technique that has received much criticism.

None of which popped up in search results when I was looking for a link to include for glossary purposes. I'm interested in your citations for your assertion that five whys has had "much criticism".

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

Toys to me aren't an automatic turn off so I'm not sure exactly 100% sure how I'd feel in that situation, however it's possible that I would think it was pathetic knowing that a lover of mine was off pretending a plastic arse was a real life woman and caressing it etc. because once I got the visual of it in my head I see it as a pathetic image.

I already explained to you that certain things can in my eyes take away from a mans masculinity as I see it, and I do think it's possible that that would. It would be a turn off to think that a man is actually pretending to have sex with a piece of plastic. It would likely make a man seem less masculine to me.

So that's nothing to do with ethics or with cleanliness.

Your search methods must be shocking. Just google 'criticism five whys' and you'll find plenty.

My search term was "five whys" because I was looking for a convenient short explanation to gloss the term. I wasn't searching for criticism of it because I wasn't aware of any controversy about the technique in order to even suspect that there might b criticism to search for. I would expect "five whys" on its own to return results indicating controversy if such controversy were widespread.

Generally, it's expected that the person making an assertion will provide the supporting evidence. It's rude in the extreme to not only fail to do so but also criticise (baselessly, you've never seen me working) the research practices of the person you are disagreeing with.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia
It should have been obvious that there was criticism of it, the human mind is far more complex than you like to think. One of the first things you should look for is criticisms and limitations before using anything as something to support your theory.

You linked to that tool and then summed up with
"As I said, sexual disgust is rooted in ethics and cleanliness".

That is arrogant in the extreme to assume you know all about everyones sexuality and the reasons why. You didn't even say 'In my opinion', you're stating is as fact, and asserting is as fact through the debate.

If you're going to put forward your own personal opinions as fact in such an arrogant 'know it all' manner then don't be surprised if you get responses which you consider to be rude. You are being very rude yourself.

I criticised your search methods because you asked me to provide citations, which I'm not going to do on mumsnet, we are not in college!!

And you can easily find them yourself. I don't have any interest in the 'five whys' technique so have no interest in looking up any more about it. You on the other hand do seem to be interested in it so should look it up yourself if you want to know the criticism!

People state opinions and hypotheses all the time without prefixing “IMO". Do yoi jump on all of them?

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia
No, but I'd even provided you with another reason why some people might feel disgust and you still summarised with
"As I said, sexual disgust is rooted in cleanliness or ethics"

Most other posters aren't so arrogant as to assume they know everything about other people and would be happy to actually learn. You on the other hand don't seem interested in that.

Given that sexual desire is mostly rooted in the desire to reproduce, so resulting from evolution, disgust with sex toys is probably because it’s not going to produce children, and also because the thought of dried up semen is unpleasant. Nothing to do with ethics unless you’re ultra-Christian and think you shouldn’t spill your seed anywhere except a fertile woman’s vagina in which case why don’t you have 11 children?

I don't think it's unfair in the situation. Other men might just go straight in with an affair or something.. and he has been transparent which is good.

However it comes down to what you're comfortable with.. if you aren't then you can discuss with him - but if he needs something more than he is getting and you don't want to have sex.. maybe establish what you will be comfortable with before he tries something else 🤔

Out of interest, how do you feel about women having sex with pieces of plastic or rubber of glass / metal,( or thrusting machines ) do you think those women seem less feminine in the same way that men seem less masculine?

a quick look At Love Honey and it clear to see the men are often reduced to nothing more then a penis and balls for female pleasure

"some women will think it's creepy,weird or pathetic for a man to be humping a plastic arse for example,"

LOL, welcome to modern world problems. Years ago I knew someone who said his brother used to live in a bedsit type digs with other lodgers, most nights he said the brother told him the guy in the next room would rummage about with a box or packaging, then you would hear a foot-pump going for a few minutes, then after a pause the bed springs would start going...............I always found that quite funny and totally absurd LOL.

I think that most women don't 'have sex' with their toys, they masturbate with them so there's a difference. They're not pretending to have sex with a toy.
Thrusting machine could possibly turn some men off, I said that in an earlier post, some men might think it's too extreme or odd even if they are turned on by their female partner using a vibrator etc.

Do I think it makes them seem less feminine to use a thrusting machine? No, but likewise with men I wouldn't automatically think oh any man who uses a toy like that is less masculine. It mainly only affects my opinion if the man was my lover...and I don't sleep with women so I don't know what I'd think or what my sexuality would be like if I was into women or what would or wouldn't turn me off a female partner. I don't know if I would like her to come across as more feminine or masculine etc.

a quick look At Love Honey and it clear to see the men are often reduced to nothing more then a penis and balls for female pleasure

I think when it comes to self pleasure most women are not going for anything resembling a penis and balls. They're not going for a replacement man.
If you look at the bestselling toys on lovehoney then they're nothing like a penis and balls or trying to be a replacement man. Maybe some vibrators resemble a penis but they're designed as that shape to try to hit the spots, not because the sex toy is trying to replicate a man and the manufacturers reduced men to penis and balls. When me and my friends get new sex toys all we're concerned about is how strong the vibrations or the suction is 😂not if it has realistic balls or not. Not that women get much (or any) pleasure from balls anyway 😂

well with that rather long post panaa I look forward to your forthcoming treatise on the philosophy of the dildo. Not saying I agree with it all mind - and definitely not the last bit.

still, a thoughtful polite response.

Yabvu.

How much control do you want over him? It's your right to say no to sex but you don't get to control what he does with his own body on his own.

Just be grateful he's probably not having an affair.

I think you are unreasonable being bothered by him using sex toys aslong as he is not using sex toys instead of having sex with you when you want to have sex. Otherwise I don't really see the problem with him using sex toys. The porn would bother me far more.

Well sexuality is complex. It's hard to explain thoughts on this in a few words 😂

Picturing a man having sex with a silicone arse that is smaller than most teens is disgusting.

Any more disgusting than a woman having sex with a silicone penis of porn star proportions?

Not into that myself but yes of course it's different. Still off putting to some but totally different because of the history and behaviour of men throughout all of time, rape, paedophilia, sexualising teens, thinking of women as objects etc

😂

So footlong veiny flesh coloured silicon vibrating cock ok, arse shaped cock sleeve bad. Because? Patriarchy of course! This kind of double standard shite gives feminism a bad name.

It would if you interpreters it that way, but plenty have already pointed out the double standard, and there's certainly no unanimity that using such a toy is bad, so maybe feminism is gaining a bad name from poor analysis.

Most women don't buy sex toys that resemble anything like that for self pleasure.

It's probably the men buying the foot long veiny cocks 😆