DH bought sex toys for himself

[namechannger]

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

EtiennePalmiere
The thread would probably have very different responses if it was about his Only Fans use though.

If I were to take a guess based on the general threads on this topic, it would probably boil down to people mainly saying:

• going on only fans isn't ok and borders on/is classed as cheating
• porn use - mixed views ranging from the it's ok to it's detrimental to many women
• what toys an adult uses to enhance their solo play is up to them and isn't for their partner to police
• it's not ok to decide that vibrators for women are fine but toys for men are gross

I could happily never have sex again (40 years old). DH has a fleshlite, it doesn't bother me at all

I agree.

I personally wouldn’t mind this (although some sex toys can be a bit icky). But I am (clearly) not OP. My opinion is therefore fairly irrelevant…

Yes it was a strange post, we should all take a minute every day to remember why we are here and to give thanks IMO.

I’d be bothered about the porn. Gross and aggressive towards women. The sex toys don’t bother me.

Absolutely you have no right to tell him what he can or can't do with his own body. If a man did this the pitchforks would be out. I feel very sorry for your husband. Instead of pressing you or finding someone else to have sex with he chose to do this. To make him feel ashamed about it is wrong.

I understand the visceral reaction but ultimately I think it's entirely fair that he do this. But the issue will be if it becomes a further barrier between you rather than a sort of bridging solution, which if you feel a bit icky and even resentful about it, is what could risk happening - as you recognise.

While everyone also needs their own private erotic world that nobody else is privy to, if there's a way you can take even a vicarious interest in his pleasure it could potentially be a way to work back to more closeness rather than being something that could come between you... What turns him on, what does he fantasise about, are there any areas you can engage and enter into with him imaginatively, and could this one day even begin to turn you on...? Are there any sexy stories on audio platforms like Dipsea that you might both find hot and could listen to either together, or separately? Not to push you into something that you're just not in the headspace for right now, but I'm just wondering how you can keep those doors open as much as possible, for when you are.

🤦‍♀️🤣
Never been a fan of the idea of 'toys' but there again neither of us have reason to complain without them🤭

I agree in principle that he's entitled to use toys when he's getting himself off solo, so long as he's not sticking his fleshlight in the dishwasher with the lunch dishes, just as you're entitled to use toys yourself if you so wished.

I think there is a danger that without good communication about your sex life, he might start to reach for it automatically rather than 'bother' you, which (if you'd got over the ick) might seem quite an attractive proposition at first if you're not really up for it that often, are feeling pestered, touched out by the kids etc. But then you run the risk of drifting into never having sex, which could ultimately lead to you starting to feel unattractive/undesirable. So I think it's important to keep talking and try to keep that connection when you are in the mood / feel like you could get into it once you get started (I sometimes have more of a 'reactive' sex drive so I may think beforehand that I can't really be bothered, but then I thoroughly enjoy it once I've made the effort to start).

I agree in principle that he's entitled to use toys when he's getting himself off solo, so long as he's not sticking his fleshlight in the dishwasher with the lunch dishes, just as you're entitled to use toys yourself if you so wished
That's an image and a half 😂

But I do agree with you, and the rest of your post. There's got to be some ongoing communication on the sex topic.

Most threads about mismatched libidos could probably be resolved with a combination of communication, men pulling their weight at home, and the person with the lower sex drive being honest about how little they anticipate having a sexual relationship. Dare I say it I think many couples don't communicate because it might shine a light on incompatibility issues and it's safer to drift along than either sort it or leave.

When it comes to the sexual realm, rationality, unfairness and double standards doesn't really come in to it in terms of our instinctive responses. I too would find this gave me the ick and was a little 'wierd'. But crucially, you don't have to verbalise this, act on it or overly focus on it. In other words you don't necessarily have a choice in terms of how you 'feel' about it at first glance - just like I can't control the fact that I could never be sexually attracted to someone extremely thin - but you can choose how to deal with it, or not, taking everything else into account.

I think that only you can ever really know why you are OK with him wanking, but not if he uses a sex toy. It's literally just an appliance to make things easier.

Are you assuming it's one of those Fleshlight things that is moulded to look like a vagina? Because there are loads of Fleshlight type toys that don't look that at all - just like there are loads of vibrators that don't look like a penis. Or do you suspect he's bought a butt plug or something and the thought of that bothers you?

Ultimately, he is indeed right that what he is doing is natural and harmless and that he needs some sort of outlet for his libido. I don't think 'It gives me the ick' actually makes much difference here, given that you don't feel like having sex with him when you don't have the ick either.

Regarding his comment about him not minding if you used a vibrator - have you ever actually used one?! Because that could actually be quite a good way of boosting your own libido without feeling under any pressure or having to worry about someone else's pleasure. I think lack of sex can be a vicious circle - the less often you do it and the more that becomes a big deal, the more pressure/guilt you feel and then you want it even less. If you can try using a vibrator on your own (typically much less effort than just using your hand and with less preamble required) and get used to enjoying sexual feelings/pleasure again, you might find sex with your husband becomes a more appealing prospect.

I just looked them up.

Wish I had not. Definite ick.

FGS You are having sex. A lot more than most.

Well good for you. Does it make you morally superior?

I have toys and my bf knows and encourages it because he doesn't have such low self esteem as many of you lot.

I'd rather my partner used a toy than watched porn. I find it weird that she's OK with porn but not toys

People saying the vagina toys are repulsive... 🤨 But us woman can use fake penis's? ... Great equality there

What has he bought? If it is a life size sex doll then I can see where the ick comes from but everything else is just a toy for pleasure. Don’t make this something he has to be ashamed of

the whole thing is icky, surely if he didn't watch porn he wouldn't have sex on his mind all the time, makes no sense. but it would also be kind of weird to stop him doing what he wants to do. can you find someone else?

I am referring to the arsehole ones on love honey.

and the blow job ones

For decent men porn wouldn't be an option.

Less offensive that him finding a willing sexual partner surely?

Is sex once or twice a week not enough?

Everyone understandably has their own thoughts on this. Personally speaking if DH suddenly produced a toy it wouldn't give me the ick in the least but I would find it tremendously funny 🤣
Sometimes you just have to laugh 🤣

Once or twice a week is a lot!

YABVVU. Be thankful he isn't cheating/going to a sex worker.