DH bought sex toys for himself

[namechannger]

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

I wouldn't like my DH watching porn (although I seem to be in a minority) and I wouldn't like the thought of him using sex toys, but if I didn't want to have sex with him then there's got to be a solution. Better sex toys than someone else's real thing.

Ahh, let the man have a wee treat. He’s only getting a shag once a week when he wants it every day. You should be pleased he’s trying to satisfy his libido without harassing you or looking outside the marriage. I’m not sure what you want him to do; throw a bucket of cold water over himself every time he gets the urge? Have a good pray? Engage in a spot of weeding?

Sounds like he's being pretty thoughtful tbh and sorting himself out without trying to pressure you. As long as he's discreet with his wanking, why do you care how he does it?

I’m fine with toys but not porn. I find your opposing view very odd.

If you’d rather not know about his wanking habits then tell him that but you can’t not have much sex and think you can control how he wanks. That’s wholly unreasonable.

Each to their own I say.
If your libido is low then he’s more than entitled to masterbate, it is natural and we’re human, we all have needs.

I think men’s sex toys are a bit of a taboo subject, I’m not sure why.. and they shouldn’t be.
It wouldn’t be an issue for me. But your marriage and relationship isn’t my marriage and relationship.

I love my husband very much, but would never allow myself to be controlled in this manner. His body, his choice.

He's not asking you to do anything you are uncomfortable with, he's just meeting his own needs.

Next week.

I wouldn't have sex with my dh and banned him from wanking and now he has cheated on me.

I wouldn't have sex with my dh and banned him from wanking and now he has cheated on me.

Hopefully there would be a lot of talking and trying to work it out. Then he’d end the relationship if a solution couldn’t be found that both were ok with. Cheating can’t be justified.

What?!

I have a higher sex drive than my (male) partner.

It's tosh to say that it's those pesky men and their pesky libidos.

If one half of the couple isn't up for sex, the other half of the couple is perfectly entitled to take matters into their own hands. The alternative is to have an affair.

YABU. What is the difference between men and women using sex toys?

Imagine a woman posting the opposite. My husband doesn’t want to habe sex with me and has told me I’m permitted to have a wank but I must not use a toy. I can wank within the confines he sets. There would be an outcry of controlling freak.

The attitude towards men having sex toys is weird when they're seen as the norm for women......men however are seen as perverts.

Leave him to it, if he wants to shove a vibrating butt plug up his arse whilst he wants into a furry coffee cup that's his business and now worse than it would be if you bought yourself a giant dildo with fairy lights round the balls.

You can decide you don't want sex with him. You definitely can't decide how and how much he wanks. So unreasonable.

I also don't understand why porn is okay, but sex toys aren't.

You seem rather unreasonable to me. It's your choice not to entertain sex but to proscribe toys for sexual entertainment for your husband is not okay. It's his body. Were the boot on the other foot I do not think a woman would be told that her partner should be able to do the same.

Why on earth are you ok with porn, which is deeply exploitative, and not ok with sex toys, which aren’t?

Your DH is behaving very decently, respecting your boundaries and finding other ways to have sex.

Nearly everyone is telling her she’s wrong, no comparison is needed.

To be clear, I haven't bannned w*nking! Or even said he can't use the toys. I came on here to say that I am feeling uncomfortable about it. I'm aware of the double standard and that this could be BU which is what I wanted to unpack with other women (not something I feel ready to discuss with mutual friends).

The difficulty is, as one pp put it, it's giving me the ick, which is then making the prospect of getting our sex life back on track seem more difficult.

Just trying to air these feelings and see if anyone understands and has suggestions about how we can move forward - assuming we both want things to work, which we do.

YABU but you know this already.

Would you rather a prostitute?

Do you know why it's giving you the ick? If you're okay with porn, it's not a general squeamishness about sex.

I think you're being unreasonable. You cannot expect him not to have sexual urges. You've made no reference in your post that he pesters you for sex or sulks when he doesn't get it so I'm going to assume he's being patient and kind about it.
You don't need to know the ins and outs of what sex toys he's bought.. Masturbation is a private thing.
I would maybe tell him its a bit of an ick for you and let him decide of his own volition if he wants to use them but other than that you have no business to try to control the way in which he pleasures himself. Its his body.

What's bothering you about them exactly? Could you try using them together to try and take the taboo out of it a bit? Toys can be great fun for both parties.

Please don't say to him if he uses toys it'll put you off having sex with him even more, that's horribly manipulative and unfair.

I don't love the porn, but I tolerate it for the reasons others have said - I'm not "providing" the sec he would like. I know that he is more visual (like a lot of men) and needs that to get to orgasm.

I don't know but I think it's to do with objectifying women. I don't know why the porn feels less bad than the fake vaginas. I'm not saying it's reasonable but that's just how it feels.

Please don't say to him if he uses toys it'll put you off having sex with him even more, that's horribly manipulative and unfair.

Absolutely agree.

Please don't say to him if he uses toys it'll put you off having sex with him even more, that's horribly manipulative and unfair.

I haven't said that out loud.

He did use OnlyFans but I said it crossed a line so he isn't doing that again.