DH bought sex toys for himself

[namechannger]

Background is that we are going through a phase of mis-matched libidos. This has caused tension between us.

Me: not currently very interested in sex probably due to tiredness, young children, work etc etc plus early 40's so possible peri. Have been doing it one or twice a week and more out of love than really feeling horny. Recently it's declined and there have been some weeks with zero sex happening. I would like it to be more but I just don't feel like it at the moment. I know it's hard as he feels like it everyday.

Him: would be happy to have sex everyday and would like it to be more adventurous than missionary.

Recently the mismatch has caused a rift. I've tried to book more childcare and do more self-care to help me feel more in the mood. When he's home from work he's been doing a bit more round the house and we have money to outsource stuff.

In the meantime DH has more sex drive so will w*nk by himself if no sex available. He watches porn on his phone which I'm okay with.

He's just ordered some new sex toys for men. I don't want to know what they are but I can guess. It makes me feel a bit sick / repulsed.

His argument is that whilst he's not getting the amount of sex he wants he wants to be able to pleasure himself, and he wouldn't have an issue with me using a vibrator, in fact he would encourage it and it's completely natural.

I feel uncomfortable about it though. AIBU to feel uncomfortable? Is it double standards when plenty of women use vibrators and DH would be happy with me using one?

and I do not need lube. FFS.

Jesus posters think sex is about "toys" and "lube" and "him not getting it elsewhere" "only fans/porn"

They are HAVING SEX.She is beginning to feel revolted by him.

Sad times.

But some women do need lube, some lubes enhance sensation...

Some women have realistic fake penises with veins... they enjoy them. As is their right too.

Why is a flashlight any different to that?

Take yourself out of your own perspective and realise your needs aren't going to he the same as the next person.

That's my point. I think he needs to rather more than that...!

Are you ok?

I looked up Love Honey and see nothing 'revolting' it is just a website selling sex toys/accessories. Obviously, the amount of sex is not enough for him, so he is stimulating himself by using porn/toys. It isn't as if he is cheating, so I'm not so sure why people are giving him a hard time (pun not intended)

Good luck OP x

Poor OP. This thread is a mess. I’d expect better from presumably mostly women posting on the relationship board. OP wanted to unpick her feelings about this issue and gets this shit.

OP needed a reality check, not lots of people telling her that her husband is a big meanie and that she is right to be the sex toy police. She isn't, she is quite wrong and she needs to know that before she alienates her husband for no good reason.

If my husband told me he didn't want me using a vibrator I'd be leaving.

How controlling.

OP,

In your original post you say recently zero sex has been happening. How long has this been going on?

I think a lot of posters have missed that part.

Yes. OP has not done that.

OP needed a reality check, not lots of people telling her that her husband is a big meanie and that she is right to be the sex toy police. She isn't, she is quite wrong and she needs to know that before she alienates her husband for no good reason.

You really lack comprehension skills.

You are getting a weirdly hard time here.

Of course you are reasonable to have a view on your husband's attitude to sex. Whether that's watching porn, only fans or sex toys.

Sex is intimacy and someone's attitude and behaviour around sex is connected to this intimacy.
It's not just a way to orgasm it's a commitment of your body to another.

Different couples will feel differently about how this physical commitment works, some may be fine with porn and sex toys, but it's also fine not to be.

These things have to be negotiated together in mutual respect.

The idea that I can engage any sexual behaviour I like as long as it's not shagging someone else, even if I know you find it disrespectful, upsetting, or gross is a bizarre and unhealthy approach to marriage.

I'm not surprised this gives you the ick. It would for me too. And if my husband didn't care about my feelings and prioritised wanking into a fake vagina, my respect for him would decline hugely.

It's perfectly possible for men to tolerate less sex than they would like at times within a marriage without needing toys, people are talking as if he'll die or have to shag a prostitute if he can't find new ways to wank.

He won't. He can choose instead to be respectful of his wife's feelings & tolerate some frustration, which will definitely lead to more sex in the long run!

I agree.

I agree.

It's weird and sad.

It wouid be to most myself included but its going to feel very apparent that it's being done as a favour rather than a mutual feeling of lust

Leave him too it. Poor bloke. He's not hurting anyone.

Except his wife's feelings and respect for him.

LOL at the posters who hadn't heard of Love Honey or Fleshlights until this thread. Wait until you hear about prostate massagers...

The choice is not between sex toys and prostitutes, the choice is between an open, honest, exploratory sex life with an acceptance there will be both solo and partnered exploration of sexuality... or potentially alienting somebody you have an intimate relationship with by shaming them.

You don't have to like sex toys, but in a long term relationship you do need to be open to the fact the sexual landscape is going to change during your relationship and there are going to be natural curiosities around that.

I'm not saying that it is acceptable to jump onto OnlyFans and form a polycule as they didn't exist before you met your partner, but experimenting with masturbation sleeves is just an exploration of sexual response that keeps the parts in working order as you get older imo.

I was considering suggesting you could use male sex toys in partnered sex, but I fear I may make some on this thread have an attack of the vapours...

I was considering suggesting you could use male sex toys in partnered sex, but I fear I may make some on this thread have an attack of the vapours...

Oh stop with your attempts to shame everyone who is not totally cool with sex toys.

Use of sex toys is a choice not an essential aspect of life.

It's fine to be into it and it's fine not to be.

Each couple needs to work out their own boundaries around this.

Disregarding your wife's feelings around sex is just never going to work out that well for a marriage.

But telling your partner your respect for them is rocked by some fairly normal masturbation preferences and exploration is not how an intimate relationship should work.

There's a lot of projection going on here about objectification and disrespect, but it sounds like the man just wants to have a wank. In the nicest way possible, it has nothing to do with the OP.

Respectfully, what he does to his own body, in private, which does not involve or include ANYBODY else, is his own business, and frankly has nothing to do with anyone else- including his wife.

If my husband told me that me using a vibrator was affecting his feelings and respect for me I would quite literally laugh in his face and skip straight off for a divorce thinking what a lucky escape I’d had! Marriage doesn’t mean you no long have rights over your own body, and that includes your own pleasure.

Well its not really encouraging you to have a closer relationship is it