Genuine question - non goady, pls don't shoot me

[namechanger2436]

So,

Woman is married, starts an affair with married man (instigated by man if that makes a difference). Kids involved (primary school age) both sides. Both marriages 'unhappy' and both couples together largely for the sake of the kids (100% this is the case for the woman).

Woman truly and utterly believes that she could (and possibly will) one day be with the married man and be blissfully happy. Seriously, the connection is insane, sounds all bollocky and la la land but she honestly believes this. Woman is well educated and generally sits on the right side of being rational/real.

Does the 'fairytale' ever happen? Will he leave wife? Will they end up together? Does it ever work out?

I'm the woman, obvs. I can't imagine my future/rest of my life not involving this man. I'm a walking cliche but I believe he's 'the one' and I have never felt this about my dh.

I'm approaching 40, as is he.

Slowly going insane.

Bracing myself for an understandable onslaught of hate, but is there anyone out there who things worked out for?

If you're that unhappy, why not do the decent thing and separate from your husband first? It's unfair to be hedging your bets like this.

God you sound awful, trying to convince yourself why this affair is different from all the rest, why you are special. You’re not. You’re cheating and destroying lives.

Leave your husband if you want to, but stop trying to convince yourself that this is a fucking fairytale. Would it be a fairytale if your husband was the one shagging around?

If husband was shagging around I'd be relieved, I'd also be bloody amazed as the man is in anti depressants and has no sex drive.

If I leave Dh I don't know how/if he will cope. There's a chance he will move away which will be rubbish for the kids.

His mental health is the main (but not the only) reason for the state of our marriage.

How he feels isn't his fault but it's affecting my life too.

Well it's a "fairytale" in your own mind. When you are found out, it won't be a fairytale for your children will it, or your husband for that matter.

If things are that bad, do the decent thing and end the marriage.

People like you always come on here to talk about your affairs...after all where else can you talk about it?

We don’t ‘attack’ people because we’re bastions of good moral behaviour. We’ve just seen it all before and it’s so fucking predictable. You’re not special , your man is not special and it’s not going anywhere fun. Nothing about your post is original.

Wow you really have no respect for your husband. There is nothing wrong with being on anti depressants...at least he's trying to improve his mood?

How do you think he'll cope knowing you've had an affair? Or if you jump straight from him to another?

You’d be relieved? So you could blame him or shift some of the guilt for the ending of your marriage?

I wonder how you’d feel if your mental health was poor and he used that as a reason to betray you. Honestly you think your excuses make you different but you’re not.

What about his wife? What’s she done to deserve being cheated on? What about all the children?

No there is nothing wrong with him being on meds but when you live with someone with depression it's fucking hard

Of course it is hard. Both my husband and I suffer from it and we both support eachother. That's what you should do. If you resent someone for something like this, then there's no respect. If there's no respect then there's no relationship.

Leave him for the love of God!

Why would the two of you ever trust each other, knowing you will cheat when you meet someone attractive?
If you can't be honest with your DH now when will you? What about your lover, when will he want to own up to his wife? If you're staying in unhappy marriages because of the children do you imagine carrying on your affair for another 10 years/until all the DC have left home, graduated or whatever?
You are loving the drama and excitement of an early romance, do the decent thing and sort your marriage one way or another. Then see if 'the one' is so keen when he has to decide.

So leave him? I find cheating despicable, there are no excuses. End your marriage then see how the new relationship pans out.

My mil had an affair and has now been married to him for 30 plus years & they have been very happy. Her marriage to my exh father was dire.

Affairs aren't for decent people with good morals. Leave your h!

When your spouse has an affair it's fucking hard.

You're an awful human being, OP. Quit trying to defend what you're doing to your poor husband and that man's wife.

If you believe the two of you should be together, then start making it happen. You're not doing your husband any favours by staying and cheating.

The married man is stringing you along and will only leave his wife when she kicks his sorry arse out.Men will tell you what you want to hear to have sex.Thats it.

My dad cheated on my stepmum....he is now married to ow. It is no fairytale

They dont trust each other, she follows him around secretly, if a relationship is started through cheating what hope does it really have

Also this is second time, as he also cheated on my mum years back. I dont respect him. Your kids might not respect you later

I was with the wrong man for many years, and was in your position. I left suddenly. He agreed that we need to divorce, everything is amicable. The difference is, my kids have grown up and left home.

So, you must be fed up with sneaking about, lying to hubby. You need to make a plan with new man. Then You should leave your hubby, write him a note saying that you’re with another man, and you’re not coming back.

If you don’t go you will never know how the fairytale works out. My fairytale hasn’t ended yet, but the future looks bright.

You only live once and life is too short.

You’re just ‘in love’. It passes. Imagine you had neither man. What kind of life would you want? Start building that, and let the man problem sortitself out along the way.

Sort itself.

If your marriage is so depleted that you cannot bear a future with him, you should have the courage and good sense to end things gently for the sake of him and your children.

Using an affair to extract yourself from this situation, with all the gubbings of a selfish cliché, just throws more trauma into the pot than anybody needs.

I may work but it's unlikely. He has shown himself to be as disloyal and emotionally incontinent as you are.

I have seen it although I only knew the woman after she was already married to the OM.

She was married originally but only because she was pregnant, there was 10 year age gap (she was older) and he was an immature idiot. She thought it would be the making of him, she was told she could never have children hence why she went ahead with the pregnancy despite the father being an idiot.

OM had two children with his partner but they were deeply unhappy.

They were blissfully happy when together and definitely made the right choice to leave their relationships but both exes made their lives difficult with access to the children and point scoring because they were both hurt by the actions of my friend and the OM.

So it isn't a walk in the park. If there are unfinished feelings then a divorce just makes things worse. You may be done with your marriage but your Dh clearly isn't. And that is what you have to remember.

When I read your post the first thing I thought was that your affair partner is your escape from your miserable reality. He is a happy, perfect place that you go to escape your current misery. Is he the love of your life or is he a possible escape route.

It is very, very highly likely that if you two end up together you will create a massive shit storm. Believe me, your DC will hate him, the man who took their mum away from their home and made their dad even more depressed and they will hate you for it. On the other side his DC will hate him and despise you too. Then there is extended family, friends etc.

The right thing to do it a) work on your marriage and/or b) end it with DH, have a gap, then move on.

XH1 married the OW and they stayed together long term. I don't know whether they are happy but I wouldn't be her for all the tea in China.

I do know that he joined a dating agency (pre- internet days) during the 3 months between my application for divorce and her marriage breaking up, so I guess it wasn't a foregone conclusion.

If you’re both that unhappy with your current marriages then stop creeping around and leave. It will be incredibly messy though and I can tell you now, the ‘insane connection’ is pretty much due to the clandestine, forbidden nature of the affair. Once the cold light of day shines on it and the shit starts to happen it becomes mundane as you’re no longer star-crossed lovers. Take some advice though. If you’re determined to pursue this to it’s conclusion, make sure he leaves his wife first and doesn’t let you do your dirty work while he ‘waits for the right time’, which may never come. Even then, many men shuttle back and forth when the going gets tough. If you want to wade through the heap of crap that ensues then crack on. But believe me, you won’t still be playing Juliet to his Romeo when you both have distressed and angry partners and a clutch of distraught children to deal with.