Genuine question - non goady, pls don't shoot me

[namechanger2436]

So,

Woman is married, starts an affair with married man (instigated by man if that makes a difference). Kids involved (primary school age) both sides. Both marriages 'unhappy' and both couples together largely for the sake of the kids (100% this is the case for the woman).

Woman truly and utterly believes that she could (and possibly will) one day be with the married man and be blissfully happy. Seriously, the connection is insane, sounds all bollocky and la la land but she honestly believes this. Woman is well educated and generally sits on the right side of being rational/real.

Does the 'fairytale' ever happen? Will he leave wife? Will they end up together? Does it ever work out?

I'm the woman, obvs. I can't imagine my future/rest of my life not involving this man. I'm a walking cliche but I believe he's 'the one' and I have never felt this about my dh.

I'm approaching 40, as is he.

Slowly going insane.

Bracing myself for an understandable onslaught of hate, but is there anyone out there who things worked out for?

Yeah OP, this sounds exactly what took place in the lives of the parents of the two most damaged little girls I know
Still it’s a fairytale so go for it!

Very similar situation played out among two of my colleagues a few years ago. In the end he binned her off after about three weeks, and it nearly finished her.

If you don't want to be with your husband you'd be better off to leave. But leave for you and not another man.

Never depend on another man to save you from your marriage. You need to do it for yourself

Leave him now. You're being horrible.

FWIW my brother cheated on woman A to be with woman B. Kids marriage and 10 years later he's now cheated and living with woman D. (Woman C was brief fling)
I expect there will be a woman E one day.

Your definition of fairytale and mine are very different

Kidding. Yourself. Grow. Up. Leave dh or don't Leave. Your call.

He is unlikely to leave his wife.

What you will may up doing is sending yourself mad when you see her loved up posts on his Facebook wall, when they are off on holiday having sex (and oh yes they certainly are), begruding his children his time when he ignores you one weekend because he is taking them to sports or on camp, doing irreparable harm to your own marriage as your husband gets sadder and more suspicious as he sees the changes in your behaviour, and making the friends you confide in lose a bit of respect for you as they see you prioritising your fanny over all other considerations.

It isn't love. It's dopamine.

Wow that sounds horrible
So after these amazing moments where the earth explodes and you have your amazing connection (or sex as he probably calls it) you go back to a miserable marriage that you despite being terrible you don’t want to work on or honestly leave

And him? He goes back to a terrible wife no doubt? Who won’t have sex with him? Nags him?
What’s his reason for not leaving OP?

For all you know his wife thinks thing are fine and they have loads of sex and he actually loves her.

You might be merely a sideline
At the very least he’s capable of extreme duplicity despite the effect it will have on his children

But then so are you so I guess that minor flaw in his character doesn’t bother you so much?

What are the plans then to leave and be together? Or are there none?

It’s a lost cause OP and you know it but you can guarantee there is going to be a LOT of hurt and tears before this one plays out.

No one should stay in a relationship in which they’re deeply unhappy , regardless of how upset their partner would be. But equally you can’t expect everyone else to fall neatly in line with your view of the perfect future. If you feel it’s truly over with your husband, then leave him and spend some time on your own. After a decent period of time, when the kids have adjusted, you can then introduce another man into the mix. But don’t expect it to be easy.

And a word of warning - don’t rely on your affair partner to leave his marriage. My DP’s ex wife left him for another man. Other man was married, promised her the earth, but is still with his wife 6 years later. DP and I have been together 3 years and we’re happy. His ex wife is miserable and bitter , and I think feels foolish for telling the world of her fairytale love which never materialised .

Leave him. Don't do this to your poor husband.
Married boyfriend will either do one of two things- run a mile when he finds out you've left dh as the "naughtiness" of the relationship will be gone. Some men get off on that.
Or, leave his wife, get with you and then probably cheat on you when you no longer make him happy.
If he's cheated once, it's easy for him to do it again.

Once upon a time when a little girl was 12, her daddy had an affair in response to mummy's affairs. Mummy went ballistic although she was alreafy having a little affair with Peter. Peter's children were 6&8 and the 6 year old had downs.

Mummy took daddy to the cleaners and Mrs P took P to the cleaners. Two houses were sold and three children and two grown ups made unhappy.

It didn't make mummy and Oeter very hapoy and after 2.5 years P went back to Mrs P. The littke girl listened to Leonard Cohen and didn't do as well as she should at school.

Mummy then met Gerald who worked for P when still with P. Gerald mived in and the luttle girl, now 15/16 liked him even less although he's hung around for 40 odd years soending mummy's money.

The little girl left home at 18, dropped out if uni, became anorexic but living work kept on the right side if mh issues. Being a boring fart helped. She sorted herself out by her late 20s and married happily.

Whilst she would like to please her mother she has very little time for her and battles not to loathe and despise her. Daddy had a tendency to depression but was fundamentally a good person eventually he found happiness with a kindred spirit. It lasted for four years until he developed incurable cancer.

There you go op. Sprinkle a fucktonne of love and happiness all around you. Or be a decent human being and leave your husband the right way.

46 years on as the child involved and yes, it still hurts. Go figure.

Hi OP, I have been in a similar situation to you two years ago.
My marriage was a wreck due to mental abuse and I met a guy (I didn't seek it out) he pursued me but I knew he was married, we both had kids.

We carried on for a few months and the connection was amazing, I believe we could have made things work long term (leaving our partners)
We were found out and I was hoping my marriage would be over, my DH decided to forgive me and the OM decided to make a go of things with his DW.

They lasted a year then separated and he is seeing someone else.
My DH are about to separate but mainly due to all the other issues in our marriage.

I did post above but the only time this is relatively bomb proof is when there are no children involved.

Children are used as pawns. As I said upthread my friend had to deal with a very very bitter ex. So imagine Christmas without your children, devastating enough, you tell them it's extra special because they get 2 Christmases and your Christmas Day will just be a day later on Boxing Day.

You cook the usual Christmas dinner (your ex knows about this because for years he was part of it) and when your children are finally dropped off on Boxing Day they tell you Daddy has just fed them a massive McDonalds and they aren't hungry.

Everything you tell them they can't have, sweets, that top, a mobile phone, Daddy gets them to literally point score. He lets them play computer games, whatever they want, whenever they want, they don't brush their teeth or have a bed time, their homework is never done at Daddy's house, you by default become the bad guy.

That is a hard thing to deal with. Very hard.

So stop looking outside of your marriage and turn into it, talk to your Dh and try to fix it.

Very rarely yes I think it does end well, but rarely. By well I mean you are together and last. When it comes to the kids though they will go through a lot and more if you have an affair that comes out.

You should your husband, but be prepared that your other man may not regardless of what he says now.

Apologies for typos. OP's post brought down a rare red mist.

Your DH has depression? That's why you are shagging someone else and want MN to say it's fiiiiine?
I'm sure life in your marriage is pretty tough. A partner's depression is hard to live with. But seriously? Being the kid of someone with depression is pretty hard and you think this will make things better?
Leave if you must but not for a shag.

My friend was in the exact same scenario 12 years ago.... and is still in the same scenario!

Nothing has changed at all, still having the affair with him, and still thinks he is the one. Although more realistic now about the likelihood of him leaving his wife. She has no marriage at all just sharing the house and children.

Not a good way to live but not my life...

I don’t think anyone of us can say whether you will get the fairytale ending you want. It may happen, you may end up with the other man, but you may not.

You need to start taking control of your future, rather than letting life carry on. Decide want you want.

Firstly, if you don’t want to stay in the marriage, then start sorting this out, or take steps to repair it.

If you and on truely believe you are to be together, then he needs to take active steps as well, rather than stringing you along. Ie. Making plans.

I don’t advocate marriages splitting but, at present, no one is happy, you are drifting along, and nothing is getting resolved.

How's the onslaught going?

Of course it sometimes works out. And of course many times it doesn't.

What people with more concern about their loved ones do is leave a relationship in which they are unhappy, telling their partner the reasons why honestly and openly, rather than waiting for someone they fancy enough to shack up with and then jumping from one relationship to the other.

This is because you're projecting all the things you're unhappy about in your current relationship onto your crush, believing him to be the escape / the opposite of what you have now.

The reality is you both don't know the real you within a relationship.

Why can't you leave, be single for a while and learn to be self sufficient, give your (STB)XH time to process the end of his marriage, ask OM to respect you doing that and say that if he too is single in xx months you can start dating officially.

Otherwise you'll both know you're with someone capable of ongoing lies, deceit and cowardice.

Personally I think leaving your marriage if you're unhappy is absolutely fine, and often the healthy choice. BUT You don't have to have another bed ready in order to leave your current one. That's what's horrible.

I think you need to grow up. These situations tend to be shitshows rather than fairytales.

Do you really think this man will be so special once the clandestine element is over? He's a human being with flaws just like your husband.

If you're that miserable, leave your husband. Stop looking for a back up in this other, MARRIED man.

I can tell you categorically from long life experience it never turns into the fairytale.
The secrecy and the buzz is what is keeping this alive.
In reality him moving in with your kids (if he ever does) and leaving his behind plus the stress of divorce and paying maintenance and the eventual everyday mundanity of every day life will kill it stone dead.
You would be better off sorting your life out before starting another relationship. Good luck.

Ps

Woman is well educated and generally sits on the right side of being rational/real.

Same here, and I've fallen for some right wankers. In the kindest way, get a grip. Setting up a new life to jump into behind your current partners life is cowardly. Be brave and leave otherwise you'll feel you HAVE to make the new relationship work no matter what. Be self sufficient first.

Well even if you do get together and get married, both of you will know you are married to a person for whom the marriage vows are 'flexible' at the very least. You'll both be looking over your shoulders for the rest of your lives together.

And given that the best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour, you'd both be right to do so.