Genuine question - non goady, pls don't shoot me

[namechanger2436]

So,

Woman is married, starts an affair with married man (instigated by man if that makes a difference). Kids involved (primary school age) both sides. Both marriages 'unhappy' and both couples together largely for the sake of the kids (100% this is the case for the woman).

Woman truly and utterly believes that she could (and possibly will) one day be with the married man and be blissfully happy. Seriously, the connection is insane, sounds all bollocky and la la land but she honestly believes this. Woman is well educated and generally sits on the right side of being rational/real.

Does the 'fairytale' ever happen? Will he leave wife? Will they end up together? Does it ever work out?

I'm the woman, obvs. I can't imagine my future/rest of my life not involving this man. I'm a walking cliche but I believe he's 'the one' and I have never felt this about my dh.

I'm approaching 40, as is he.

Slowly going insane.

Bracing myself for an understandable onslaught of hate, but is there anyone out there who things worked out for?

Leave your husband. A marriage should end because it no longer works, not when you’ve lined up a replacement.

If you both feel the same way what’s re you waiting for? Why haven’t you both left your respective partners?

I suspect the excitement is keeping this going, the reality of two broken homes would take the shine off. Then there’s always the worry with a relationship between two cheaters thy one or both will do it again. No doubt with someone they have an amazing connection with.

You believe this man is amazing but a mature, emotionally healthy man wouldn't be shagging around whilst married to someone else. So the reality is he's quite flawed. The reality of living with him would soon change the dynamic when there's his ex-wife & kids to consider. This isn't love it's infatuation. You do yourself a disservice thinking he's amazing. Set your bar higher OP & behave with integrity.

@PinaColadaPlease said what I wanted to in a much more articulate way, thank you!

Leave your husband. A marriage should end because it no longer works, not when you’ve lined up a replacement.

Also, your behaviour is a very poor model for your kids.

I have known many people who split from their wives for other people, it was very common where I used to live.

When a man marries his mistress a vacancy occurs.
This relationship is like the fairy on the Xmas tree. It's intense and overpowering but not a basis for family life. It comes from a place of need, not love
Please get counselling, relate will see you alone. Decide whether to work on your marriage or leave.
Keep away from your lover, get your head straight, be alone for a year if you leave, your kids will need you, and you need the space

Leave your husband. A marriage should end because it no longer works, not when you’ve lined up a replacement.

This. Stop being selfish and sort your own life out. Ditch both men.

You expect him to leave his wife but you yourself haven’t actually left your husband?

Your husband deserves better. His depression will likely sort itself out when he’s no longer having to second guess himself and wonder wtf is going on. Just don’t be surprised when you look back (because you will look back) and you fleetingly see the man you married and have a very deep sense of regret. That’s when your own mental health will start to struggle. My ex has spent 10 very, very bitter years post affair and divorce largely because running away from me wasn’t the answer. You actually have to look long and hard at yourself and unfortunately when affairs are involved, tha seems impossible.

What will you do if Pte new man gets ill? which is incredibly likely as you get older.
Will you leave him?
Find someone else until they get unwell.
How about if you become ill in some way? Do you expect new man to stay with you or bugger off at the first sign of someone else?

A different view. I have been in a similar position to you - not the same but similar.

The right thing to do in my opinion is to separate out all the issues. If you are that unhappy you need to leave your husband. And set up a life for you and the children. If the other man is that unhappy he needs to leave his wife and set up his own life. If after that you can still be together then fabulous and go for it.

The main people here are the children. Staying together because of the kids will not make them happy in the long term. Their mother leaving their dad for another man will not make them happy either and be very traumatic. Their mother leaving for herself and making sure they are the centre of her world is manageable. Tough but doable.

If I leave Dh I don't know how/if he will cope. There's a chance he will move away which will be rubbish for the kids.

So, if you won't set him free, you intend stringing him along whilst cheating on him? You think that's better?

“Fairytale” 😂😂😂

Sab06 is that you? Your other thread died off so you wanted to start a new one 🙄

Oh OP. I feel for you. I remember clearly that feeling of it being different and meant to be (I wasn’t married, but he was). In the end it was all for nought. Men don’t tend to leave their wives if they don’t do it immediately. I was very young (17) and it was bad enough, you need to take a step back and think about what you want for your life regardless of this man. Concentrate on sorting your life out and the rest will follow, but I’m not sure he’s the answer to your problems.

We don’t ‘attack’ people because we’re bastions of good moral behaviour. We’ve just seen it all before and it’s so fucking predictable. You’re not special , your man is not special and it’s not going anywhere fun. Nothing about your post is original.

^ that.

Do you think anyone has affairs without feeling theirs is different? That they'll be the difference, that it won't follow the same sordid path as everyone else?

Namechanger
Living with someone else’s disease is crushing.
It will suck the life out of you and you can not fix him. His illness will take the pleasure out of any life event, as it did with mine.
If you are unhappy. Leave.

It took me along time...but in the end I couldn’t live like that any more
I learnt to separate the man I loved and the man with MH issues, all that did was exhaust me to the point of suicide (30 yrs)
You are with someone that can not see your needs or see how much you carry because of it.
Please don’t think staying for your kids is a good idea, it was mine who begged me to get a divorce as they couldn’t stand things as they were.
I think you should separate at the least, but, here’s the kicker, you need to leave for you and not for someone else’s hubby!
If you leave to go to someone who is not free to love you back, you will be in the same situation.
I wish you well

By definition, your P is a lying bastard. Be painfully aware that lying bastards are good at putting up a front and are highly likely to dump you from a great height at speed if their marriage is threatened, regardless of what sweet nothings he’s whispering in your ear during your sordid little trysts. He’s acting out a fantasy too, and he’s a skilled liar. Don’t forget that.

In terms of your husband - treat the father of your children with some respect and either try to fix it with some honesty or leave.

First off he won’t leave his wife - he chased you because he wants it all. The connection the fairytale is there simply because all he needs to do is make you feel wanted and special and then he gets exactly what he wants. It will only end badly for you and your mental health

Secondly you need to leave your husband, you were vulnerable because of your unhappiness and you do need to put yourself first and leave. Take time to heal and feel better

I did this 16 years ago now. Situation a bit different. I’d been married 10 years with two DC and my DH had only just got married and had no children. In retrospect I’m amazed we managed it - we were functioning on major adrenaline. It did work out for us. We got married, had DS and are happy together. My Ex DH is also remarried with two DC and we get on well. However, don’t underestimate how hard it will be. Lots of his friends didn’t want to talk to him afterwards and his family were not very welcoming to me. It’s been hard for my eldest two at times as well. In an ideal world you would separate first but life isn’t always like that . It can be done and I’m glad I did if that helps. I suspect you’ll get lots of judgment on here.

Given that this man instigated the affair with you, even if you did get together with him you'd be constantly paranoid that he was off looking for the next one.

Ohtheroses post sums up the shit storm and damage my mother's affair caused and continues to cause. Do the decent thing OP because there is nothing special about your affair.

Believe me, you will get over it - one day the scales will fall from your eyes and you will realise this man is just out for all he can get. No, he is not different - they are all the same - wanting the best of both worlds.

How can you ever be blissfully happy? If you and your om ever get together it will be in the wake of 2 broken marriages. 2 families torn apart. 2 ex partners devastated.

Will you be blissfully happy as a result? When you have to work around co parenting your combined children and dealing with aggrieved ex partners? Doesn't sound like a recipe for happy ever after to me.

So this is clear cut. You are unhappy in your marriage. Divorce, make a new life for you and your dcs. Ultimately have new partner - this guy or someone else.

(and yes I realise it's not that simple, but that's the gist of it)