Genuine question - non goady, pls don't shoot me

[namechanger2436]

So,

Woman is married, starts an affair with married man (instigated by man if that makes a difference). Kids involved (primary school age) both sides. Both marriages 'unhappy' and both couples together largely for the sake of the kids (100% this is the case for the woman).

Woman truly and utterly believes that she could (and possibly will) one day be with the married man and be blissfully happy. Seriously, the connection is insane, sounds all bollocky and la la land but she honestly believes this. Woman is well educated and generally sits on the right side of being rational/real.

Does the 'fairytale' ever happen? Will he leave wife? Will they end up together? Does it ever work out?

I'm the woman, obvs. I can't imagine my future/rest of my life not involving this man. I'm a walking cliche but I believe he's 'the one' and I have never felt this about my dh.

I'm approaching 40, as is he.

Slowly going insane.

Bracing myself for an understandable onslaught of hate, but is there anyone out there who things worked out for?

Some of the lies (fairy tales) you’ve been spun:

“We don’t/haven’t had sex for years.”- They still have sex.
“I’d leave but it would hurt the kids.”- He likes shagging two women.
“We are like room mates/sis/bro.”- They still have sex.
“I can’t text in the evening.”- He’s snuggled up with dw, wanting sex.
“I sleep in the spare room.”- They still share a bed.

I’m guessing you’re a time passer at work where you met him.

Yes it does happen I know of at least two instances but in both instances either the man or the woman filled the vacancy of love interest on the side with someone else pretty quickly.

OP, I work with children like yours and your lover’s, who are caught up in these situations.

I know you only mentioned the children in passing, but the lying and deception will affect the rest of their lives. Do the decent thing and end your marriage.

In my not personal experience there will be less money so you'd have to move to a cheaper house/area leaving friends and kids friends behind. He won't get along with your kids. His kids hate you. Kids hate each other and make the atmosphere tense and horrible. If kids are grown up you'll see them less because they want to see you alone and since you're living with shithead they'll just see you less. Or they want to live with dad, not you. He'll be gone more than just to his job and you'll be left wondering if he is seeing someone else while you are doing all of the household chores. Because I guarantee he isn't doing his share of the family and household stuff if he is busy shagging you. Men tend to be more shit when you live with them. It's easier to treat someone like a princess if you only see them twice a week for an hour.

DH’s ex-w had an affair & left DH for the om

DSS was 3/4 at the time

She is still with OM, married and they have another dc. Not sure if they are happy but she certainly got what she wanted out of it. Unfortunately my DH and DSS were collateral damage. Ex-w was too loved up with her new man to care!

DH & I are very happy but his past has definitely damaged him and DSS has had a huge range of emotional & behavioural problems and although he is now 11 I would not say he has come to terms with the situation.

Don’t do it to your kids. Put them first, end things with this guy & see if you can sort your marriage. If you can’t then end it properly & focus on supporting your children through the break up.

I don't think the other man would be as appealing if you actually lived with him: right now he's your light relief from the stress and misery of your official relationship. It's probably best just to keep the affair as light relief: a brief escape from your troubles, and enjoy it for what it is.
As long as you manage to stay discreet, it will probably make you better able to cope with the rest of your life because you're getting a bit of fun now and again.
I think affairs are no bad thing when someone's in a shit relationship that it would be really difficult to leave.

Anyone engaging in this kind of star-crossed lover shite is simply not present for their kids. My dad grew up with his mum behaving like this and says his childhood was blighted by her moods - euphoric if her om called but more often than not depressed and preoccupied waiting for a scrap from his table. For 35 years. Either way, totally emotionally unavailable.

That's before all the other fall-out for the husbands/families involved. And none of it is real, so grow the fuck up and start attending to your responsibilities.

As long as you manage to stay discreet, it will probably make you better able to cope with the rest of your life because you're getting a bit of fun now and again.
I think affairs are no bad thing when someone's in a shit relationship that it would be really difficult to leave.

Try telling that to the children caught up in it. And no amount of discretion will mask the emotional detachment of a cheating parent.

So leave. It isn’t special and you are no different to any other cheat & liar but at least you’ll end up with one — which frankly is the best scenario for your husband and his wife who might then end up with someone decent. It won’t end well though OP, it never does.

I’m not going to flame you. Life’s hardly ever black and white, and the best of us can have our morals tested when we’re at a low ebb.

It doesn’t sound like anything about this situation is making you happy though, does it?

Something has to change, and as it’s your life, you’re the only one who can make that happen. Otherwise you’ll be stuck between a rock and a hard place for years.

What can you do to feel better?

Ahh ...I bet the person my dh got involved in ,said everything you said.
In fact she phoned me and said more or less the same.
Problem was he was on to a nice cushy number at home ,you know ,meals ,sex ,his kids ,a life ..a wife
Wasn’t going to give that up for an infatuation.
Luckily my dh saw Sense before it went anywhere.
God I hate women like you praying on other people’s marriages.

I've seen it work out for people. But it's damaged their relationship with their children.

No I really don't, I don't think a relationship started in this way could ever be built on trust. Sooner or later insecurity and doubt will set in as you both realise the other is capable of doing it to yourself.

It feels like a fairytale right now because it isn’t real. It only becomes real when you leave, when your kids start hating you, when you realise he only looked good in comparison to your ex (but isn’t actually a good man) and when he starts reconsidering leaving his wife.

Just split from your husband.

Whether things work out with the affair guy are a separate issue.

I'm not going to pile in with moral outrage. But if you are so unhappy in your relationship you are having an affair then the relationship is over. Your DH is not being helped at all by this situation. He must know you have emotionally detached which can only make his depression worse. You need to leave your DH so you both have a chance to thrive in life.

Don't just move in with the other man. You are so unhappy with your DH that the other man could just be an escape. Move out, sort yourself out then if you still feel like he us the one and he has also made the move and left his wife you have an opportunity to build a legitimate life together.

I think the fairy tale will be really difficult. You both have children and therefore you have ex’s that will always be in your lives. For them to find out you had an affair will create a lot of resentment which your children of course pick up on. Plus, it would be no fairytale for me only seeing my children part time.

You need to ask the question, do you want to leave your husband. You shouldn’t only leave your husband IF you can get together with this guy

I can assure you that your OM is not posting on a public forum asking if the "fairytale" will ever happen. Short answer: it won't.

Yes living with someone with depression is miserable but you really needed to sort out your own relationship first without muddying the waters with another. So it's too late for that now, I'd concentrate on protecting the children from this as none of it is their fault. As a PP said, are you there for them if their other parent is unwell?

You will never trust the OM deep down.

If you're that unhappy, why not do the decent thing and separate from your husband first?

I agree! Otherwise you're keeping your husband as a back up just in case which isn't fair to him. If you're feeling like this about another man you do not love your husband and should leave him.

After reading about millions of cases like yours on Mumsnet, and knowing some IRL, my conclusion is that people are generally extremely emotionally unintelligent and quite pathetic. Not to mention selfish.

If the man you are seeing is cheating on his wife, then he would cheat on you too. Is that what you want?

What happened to in sickness and in health? What a lovely person you are and so supportive of your DP Do him a favour and leave him. He might find his depression lifts once you're gone. Mine did when my cheating husband left. My divorce was such a blessing.

Split from your DH and keep away from married men.

Woman should leave her husband.

He might manage to get off the anti-deppresants and have a great life.

Woman will be utterly disappointed when it turns to shit.

Quite right too, she deserves is for being a coward.

Good Luck to her!

Oh OP. I feel for you. I remember clearly that feeling of it being different and meant to be (I wasn’t married, but he was). In the end it was all for nought. Men don’t tend to leave their wives if they don’t do it immediately. I was very young (17) and it was bad enough, you need to take a step back and think about what you want for your life regardless of this man. Concentrate on sorting your life out and the rest will follow, but I’m not sure he’s the answer to your problems.