Genuine question - non goady, pls don't shoot me

[namechanger2436]

So,

Woman is married, starts an affair with married man (instigated by man if that makes a difference). Kids involved (primary school age) both sides. Both marriages 'unhappy' and both couples together largely for the sake of the kids (100% this is the case for the woman).

Woman truly and utterly believes that she could (and possibly will) one day be with the married man and be blissfully happy. Seriously, the connection is insane, sounds all bollocky and la la land but she honestly believes this. Woman is well educated and generally sits on the right side of being rational/real.

Does the 'fairytale' ever happen? Will he leave wife? Will they end up together? Does it ever work out?

I'm the woman, obvs. I can't imagine my future/rest of my life not involving this man. I'm a walking cliche but I believe he's 'the one' and I have never felt this about my dh.

I'm approaching 40, as is he.

Slowly going insane.

Bracing myself for an understandable onslaught of hate, but is there anyone out there who things worked out for?

You might end up with this man - you might be happier than you are now.

But you're certainly not going to be "blissfully happy" - no one ever is in real life. And you're going to be dealing with unhappy kids who will need an awful lot of support and energy.

Sounds like you need to get realistic about your real-life options.

Yes it is a fairytale because it's not real.

There are children involved who don't have a say in their lives being turned upside down. Will you still be blissful if they are unhappy?

What happens if this makes your husband's mental health worse?

You should leave your husband if you are so unhappy and dont love him any more. But dont expect the OM to leave his wife as he probably wont.

The reality of normal life together with OM would be very different from the excitement of the affair. You wont trust him and will feel tormented by the thought of the sadness you have caused. Its not a great basis for a relationship to start is it?

You could leave your husband, start again and in time you’ll meet someone. Or if you can stay and make it work with him.

Cheating causes such misery and pain so please do the decent thing now. Good luck

I think the OP has long gone. 😂 But then what did she expect?! A Mills and Boon ending?

I felt like this. He did leave his wife. Turned out he was as predictably dishonest and shoddy as the cheating should have suggested to me in the first place. All the 'excitement' and 'romance' was the clandestine. I was a young single idiot who fell for it.

Strange how a genuine question is always goady. Like it's planned, almost.

But assuming this is true - no, it won't work out. You'll always be the other woman. If the marriages are so unhappy, it is astonishing that they are all still together - possibly because not all the marriages involved are unhappy!

At the end of the day you've fallen for a man who is prepared to cheat.

That's all you really need to know isn't it?

Once a cheat always a cheat as it's exciting and addictive.

He won't stay with you op. You will never be able to trust him. Second marriages only last half the time of the first statistically.

Will you be blissfully happy in your fairytale with all your collective children screaming, crying, having sleepless nights and having their emotional health damaged from the grenade thrown into their little lives ?

How about trying to make your DH feel good about himself, give him massages, offer to be a listening ear?

If you felt crap and on AD how would you like people to behave to you?

Lots of sense above.
You are looking for relief from a difficult marriage with an ill partner and have been seduced by the excitement of an affair.
The point is that your responsibility it to your family . Discomfort and unhappiness don't alter that.
If you can't commit to your husband end your marriage. This will be very tough and the aftermath will be that you will have to concentrate on your children and yourself.
Forget the other man. The chance of a happy ending for all is tiny and there are 4 children here whose futures you are considering jeopardising.
You can be happy again but not with the fallout from a relationship with a married man who you know is a cheat and a liar.
Who do you want to be OP?
I am far from unsympathetic and can see how your affairs happen.Life is tough and can make one vulnerable to flattery and eager for an escape hatch or indeed just pleased to have someone be nice to one and appear to be prioritising them. Not to mention being physically desired.
Stay away from MM , he is a fantasy.

OP, I have only read about half the posts because I got sick of posters telling you that you were an awful human being, etc. I don't agree with everything about your situation, but you're not an awful human being and some of these responses are too much.

I agree with PP's that if things aren't going well with DH you should work out if you can separate amicably for the kids sake. You've said he'll most likely move away - is there any chance that he could be nearby? That should be the most important thing. For everyone - the kids will want to see him (you haven't said he's abusive or violent, so there aren't any issues with contact?) And although you're not responsible for his MH, everything should be done to make sure it doesn't get worse if you do separate.

There is a chance it would work out with the other man, but that shouldn't be why you're leaving. Leave first, it's the right thing to do, regardless of what the other man does.

I've not been in your situation. But my sister was, a good friend and my oldest friend. My sister has now been with the other man for 22 years, 2 kids, very happy. My oldest friend lived next door to the other man, she had 3 kids and he had 2. They each left their partners, she moved back with her parents for a while and he moved in with a family member. When the dust had settled, they moved in together and became a couple. SO many people treated my friend like shit. 14 years in September they will have been together, with their own child too. They are blissfully happy. Her kids have been fucked up - by their father, who was abusive, a narcissist, and I'm sure that had my friend stayed with him she would be in a very bad place right now. My good friend - she left her DH for her best friends DH - they are still together now, and her kids are much happier now because they are with 2 people that love each other. Her ex DH and her new DH's ex wife are now with other people and its all worked out.

Of course this doesn't mean that your situation will be the same. Some of these stories are awful - and posters have been through lifelong trauma as a result of situations like the one you're in. But I wonder if there would also be trauma if their parents had stayed together and been unhappy. Living in an atmosphere of arguing and fighting and misery also brings much unhappiness to children that lasts into adulthood and affects relationships.

There are no easy answers. I don't think that 2 people should stay together if one of them is unhappy. But don't leave just because of the other man. Your husband deserves to be happy with someone else or on his own - he doesn't deserve to be cheated on while you decide what to do. Leave because your marriage isn't going anywhere. Your other man can do what he wants - but don't expect that he will.

Good luck.

If either of you were that crazy about each other, and the connection really was the stuff of dreams you say it is, you’d have left your spouses to be together by now. The fact neither of you have speaks volumes that this is a nice distraction from your day to day lives but won’t grow into anything more serious.

Affairs are super exciting because they exist in a little bubble away from reality. I think once the bubble pops things won't look quite as great.

I remember finding all sorts of men hugely attractive when I was in the process of ending my marriage and me and XH had thoroughly gone off each other. The moment I was free and single I felt a bit disgusted at some of my crushes - I would have scampered off with anyone who'd shown me the slightest interest, I was just lonely and craving intimacy.

Of course people can find love with new partners - it's disingenuous to say they can't. This situation however will be sprinkled with the fairy dust of delusion. Separating, splitting households etc is not for the faint hearted. It's devastating. Even when you instigate it it's a bomb in your life which changes EVERYTHING. The effect on children, even when amicable is significant and shouldn't be undertaken unless every avenue has been explored .

Very unlikely. Why would he bother? The OW (or OM) shows her morals are as low as his, and happy to be the side bit. Ask if he’s going to tell her and watch him pale. However, you may get ‘lucky’, in which case you both inherit a cheat and in the process create two new vacancies. If you’re both lucky, these won’t be filled. But you’ll never really be sure. Every time one of you is on your phone, a little late from work, you’ll wonder. Sometimes people meet the right people at the wrong time. There are ways of doing this and while it’s never easy, you offer your spouses the chance at a bit of dignity.

🎵🎵🎵

Break up with your girlfriend
Yeah, yeah, 'cause I'm bored
You can hit it in the mornin' (Mornin')
Yeah, yeah, like it's yours
I know it ain't right
But I don't care (Care)
Break up with your girlfriend
Yeah, yeah, 'cause I'm bored

You’ve clearly gone past the point of no return with your husband. You’re no longer in love with him, you don’t even seem to like him anymore (and I can understand that). You can’t live like this for the next 50 years. FIFTY YEARS.

You need to see this as two different issues. One being your relationship with your DH. You need to tell him you want a divorce and you need to work out the practicalities re housing & the children.

The second being the OM. You feel how you feel and you’re probably not in a place where you’re willing to hear that these feelings might seem ‘intense & real’ because we all think this new love is ‘different & special’ until they morph into normal human beings with flaws. SO, I’m not about to try to convince you otherwise. Tell Mr Amazing that you need to stop seeing him. Tell him that you are divorcing DH, but for you, not him. Tell him that what he does about his marriage is up to him, but you will only start seeing him again if he’s left his wife. He may or may not leave her, but that’s his choice.

There isn’t only one person in the world that can make us happy to be with. You can’t spend your life waiting for him to leave her, you’ll need to get out there and meet other people, enjoy your life being single.

Choose between working on your marriage (it’s beyond that if you ask me though) and leaving your DH to be single. The OM shouldn’t come into this decision, whatever does or doesn’t happen with him is irrelevant right now.

I also agree that having a bit on the side and not rocking the boat is most men's preferred MO, so however into you he is there's a strong chance he won't want to actually throw his life into chaos to actually start again. Women seem to get caught up in the fantasy of a new life more. I know this sounds sexist but it's just in my experience.

I would quibble with "most men's MO." Mostly cheating men, yes. But I think most men are pretty loyal and faithful. Or maybe I'm deluded.

I am happy to stand corrected! - most cheating men indeed. I agree there are many wonderful loyal decent men out there.

Indeed there are. And you're right about the women too I think- that's why these men are so adept at 'future faking'... they know it will be lapped up.

@snowdrop
God I hate women like you praying on other people’s marriages.
Really? Because the OM was an innocent stolen away!!
OP
If you're unhappy; leave your husband and become independent, don't make the OM the reason for the divorce as it will cause to much upset. If it's meant to be OM will wait until you're ready for a new man and he should do the right thing and end his marriage instead of being deceitful to his wife.

You've said he'll most likely move away - is there any chance that he could be nearby?

Why should her husband move anywhere? It's the OP wanting to leave the marriage - surely it should be her moving out?

Why should her husband move anywhere? It's the OP wanting to leave the marriage - surely it should be her moving out?

Because the children need to stay in their home and he’s not going to be the one looking after them 🙄

Because the children need to stay in their home and he’s not going to be the one looking after them 🙄

How do you know that?

Surely if a woman posted on here that her husband was having an affair how many people would say that she needed to leave? It would be the cheat who was expected to leave?

In this instance the poor husband is depressed, being cheated on by his wife and will now be kicked out of his home too? Why? So his wife can move her om in?

That's not on. OP if you want to leave your marriage then leave. Find somewhere to live and go.

That's not on. OP if you want to leave your marriage then leave. Find somewhere to live and go

She might leave her husband, she’s not leaving her kids. They will need to come to a mutual decision about what’s best for the children.

Not does a husband who has an affair in that case.

She doesn't need to leave her children. She does what the cheating husband's do - finds a new place to live and shares custody.

What is the problem with that?

Poor you OP, living with someone who has depression. You absolutely deserve happiness even if it's at the expense of everyone else involved

If you are not happy JUST END YOUR FUCKING MARRIAGE!

I despise cheaters. There is never a worthy excuse.