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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He packs and leaves if we argue.

172 replies

Saffy60 · 29/07/2018 10:36

Until now I have stopped him. But the last time he did it, I said I would help him pack if he did it again as it is no way to behave, it undermines trust and shakes the roots of our relationship. So I kept to my word. And we have split up.
We have had a bit of dialogue over messenger, he says I criticise him, I think I complain about things that need to be changed. He says he can't take the agro. BUT on the occasions we argue and he doesn't pack, he will be asleep in 3 to 5 minutes and I will be awake and upset most of the night. Next morning he expects everything to be fine.
We are meeting for a chat later to day and I'm not sure I want him back.

OP posts:
Dowser · 29/07/2018 10:45

I agree
I couldn’t live with a two year old either.
He’s not part of the solution is he?

springydaff · 29/07/2018 10:49

He's training you to be "easy on his mind"

Re a walkover with no voice and no agency.

Let him go (for good).

Cherubfish · 29/07/2018 10:50

How long have you been together? Any DC?

If you decide to give it another go, he seriously needs to work on his communication skills. Packing to leave every time you argue is childish and selfish. It shuts you down so you never have a chance for a proper conversation. Would you consider a marriage course?

DelphiniumBlue · 29/07/2018 10:51

You don't have to meet him today if you're not ready to.

Haffiana · 29/07/2018 10:52

The problem is that you do want him back. Otherwise who cares if he thinks you criticise him or whatever pathetic little dynamic is going on in his head?

He is trying to control you, to get you to behave yourself and not trouble him. Seriously, he threatens to leave if the Stepford dolly dares argue with him? He doesn't want a relationship, he wants some sort of servant. But really, who cares? He is fucked up, let him go on his merry way and make someone else's life a misery.

The only chat you need is with yourself. Why are you ever stopping him? Why are you so needy that you put up with tantrums from a grown man? He won't change and you really, really deserve better. You cannot have a relationship with someone who has no clue whatsoever what a relationship is and whom you cannot have a discussion with.

Treacletoots · 29/07/2018 10:53

Go and enjoy your day. Go shopping. Get a nice haircut, go walking whatever but don't waste your time on this manipulative dickhead. Personally I'd enjoy arranging a meeting then just don't turn up. Let him see how it feels to be yanked about ;)

bumpertobumper · 29/07/2018 10:56

It sounds like there is a lot of drama and arguing in your relationship, and you both are not good at communicating in a constructive way. Especially him as he just runs away and can't /won't engage and goes often for the ultimate sanction by saying that's it, I'm leaving. ( This can be a red flag, but can't say for sure with out more information - is he shutting you down and punishing you for standing up to him? Or is he just unable to have emotional conversation and so runs away)

From the little you have written it seems that this relationship is not working and you should split up.

You say that you are trying to change things, what things? Are you trying to discuss and adjust things in your relationship, or are you trying to change him? Be honest with your self. You can't change someone. If he is not who you want, then yes, break up. People don't fundamentally change.

dirtybadger · 29/07/2018 10:56

So you have DC? Do you co-own the property?

If youre not sure you want him back and dont have any firm ties, I wouldnt feel obliged to meet. You dont have to and there isnt much cause to.

Original poster
Saffy60 · 29/07/2018 11:11

Thanks ladies, some great comments.

The complaints aren't over massive things but being "undervalued". We don't have DC and we don't co own. Together 18 months.

Its my house.... he stays every night, my bills! He doesn't help out with bills, buy much groceries etc or have his own place. So rather one sided. I have been feeling a bit used.

Have tried explaining about things not weighing up fairly several times but to no avail.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saffy60 · 29/07/2018 11:12

I cannot decide if he is mean or cannot afford to help out with finances, he has not said.

OP posts:
spottybetty · 29/07/2018 11:15

No dc, only together 18 months? Fantastic! Easy to disentangle yourself from him!

He sounds like an immature man child, acting like that to upset you and stop you from ever disagreeing with him. He’s gone - let him stay gone!

Examine why you might want him back. What was good about your relationship?? Sounds like your life is sorted and he’s a cocklodger as well as everything else.

The hills are that way ——> run!

BunnyCarr · 29/07/2018 11:15

Sounds like you have a cocklodger. He belongs in the bin.

SilverHairedCat · 29/07/2018 11:16

He sounds dreadful. I used to pack my bags too, when I was 8 and my parents were "being mean to me".

Time for him to shove off permanently. You deserve a partner who appreciates you and shares in your life, not a petulant child who sulks.

letsdolunch321 · 29/07/2018 11:16

Sack him off, no one needs a child in there life. Find yourself and be happy.

spottybetty · 29/07/2018 11:16

18 months is still the honeymoon phase of a relationship. If he’s acting like this, he’s showing you who he is. He won’t get better. He will get worse.

KlutzyDraconequus · 29/07/2018 11:17

You've been together 18 months and you don't know a rough idea of his incomes and outgoings?

He's using you. He a typical cocklodger nd emotional bully.

Do not go for this chat. Message him now and tell him to get his stuff and cut him from your life immediately.

He is living rent and Bill free on your work.
You dare speak out he emotionally abuses you.
He throws tantrums so you think twice about saying anything again.

Do you want to work and pay for this 'Man' to train you in this fashion? Because I wouldn't put up with it.

helpbeforeimelt · 29/07/2018 11:22

Get rid.

Don't need that crap. He wants you to stop him to make him feel needed.
Probably feels inadequate as he's in your home living off your money but doesn't want to pay his share 🙄

Tell him to sod off. Once he sees your not going to put up with it it'll be too late.
Life's to short for games op

RandomMess · 29/07/2018 11:23

Sounds like a cocklodger to me!

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 29/07/2018 11:23

Op, you are in a perfect situation here. You are in no way beholden to him! Move on!

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/07/2018 11:27

You’re better than this. He’s tried to bully you to put up with whatever crap he throws at you by threatening to leave you if you don’t.

You’ve done the right thing. You know he’s been taking advantage of you and you’re already better off without him.

There’s no point in meeting up. He’ll be starting to panic that you’ve had enough and the gravy train is over.

Others are right. 18 months in is meant to be easy. He’s a stroppy man child and it sounds exhausting.

You’ve been putting up with it so you’re used to it now and it might take a little while to realise what a crappy dynamic it is but life will be so much better without him. Promise.

Grumpyoldblonde · 29/07/2018 11:27

If you let this continue then you'd be mad. Just send him on his way to find another mug to feed and house him.

Ryder63 · 29/07/2018 11:27

Yep - just another cocklodger.

Kewcumber · 29/07/2018 11:32

It's never going to get better than this.

At some point things will be tougher (eg is you have small children) and they will get much harder.

You can decide what you want your life to look like and whether thats what you want. Some things are worth working through but he isn;t going to change his personality.

Namethecat · 29/07/2018 11:36

Yes another voice to say to tell him your not meeting up. Leave him where he should be. The past.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2018 11:46

Your "relationship" with this twat is a disaster and you would be insane to take him back. Move on and never look back.

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