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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He packs and leaves if we argue.

172 replies

Saffy60 · 29/07/2018 10:36

Until now I have stopped him. But the last time he did it, I said I would help him pack if he did it again as it is no way to behave, it undermines trust and shakes the roots of our relationship. So I kept to my word. And we have split up.
We have had a bit of dialogue over messenger, he says I criticise him, I think I complain about things that need to be changed. He says he can't take the agro. BUT on the occasions we argue and he doesn't pack, he will be asleep in 3 to 5 minutes and I will be awake and upset most of the night. Next morning he expects everything to be fine.
We are meeting for a chat later to day and I'm not sure I want him back.

OP posts:

category12 · 29/07/2018 11:47

Dump.

MuddyForestWalks · 29/07/2018 11:52

18 months, no kids, and he has pulled this shit more than once. It's still early days, he ought to still be on best behaviour. If you Take him back he will think he can do whatever the fuck he likes. If you tie yourself to him he will get worse and worse because it gets harder and harder to end it.

Text him at the time you're meant to meet. Say it's over for good. Mean it. Change the locks, block his number, thank your lucky stars you're not 10 years down the line with 2 kiddies wondering where daddy has gone again and will he ever come back, walking on eggshells until you're a shadow of yourself .

gamerchick · 29/07/2018 11:55

Yeah you're being trained.

Tell him you're not meeting up, that you're tired of this crap and will be doing some thinking on your own.

Then spend some time seeing what the house is like without him. You might find you like it.

RabbitsAreTasty · 29/07/2018 11:59

Cocklodger. Do not meet him.

What do you expect to happen if you do meet him?

bastardkitty · 29/07/2018 12:05

Oh a cocklodger. Have you got your keys back? That's all you need from him.

LuciaLuciaLucia · 29/07/2018 12:06

Do not get back with him. My H is the same. No fun when he leaves for 2 hours leavig you with 2 babies in the middle of difficult situation cos he needs to clear his mind. Do not be a mug like me!!!

MadeForThis · 29/07/2018 12:08

Cocklodger run.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2018 12:08

Get rid of the using cocklodger

Let the whinging twat go and leech off someone else

Mix56 · 29/07/2018 13:26

so he lives for free, & walks out if you disagree. Every time you take him back he is thinking "That worked perfectly"

Original poster

Saffy60 · 29/07/2018 13:27

I apologise for not taking your advise girls....I am going to meet him.

He is not a good communicator so I will insist he speaks first, hear what he has to say....but I will not say anything until he has his say...all of it.

If its all about what he wants and how I need to behave I will hear him out, drink my coffee, thank him for making the time and walk away.

On the other hand, in the unlikely event he has thought about it and can see it, or at least some of it from my side we will talk.

I have written notes to refer to about my own needs in case I am upset as I am very tired.

Thanks so much for your help, I have read every word you have written. You are NOT wrong BUT I am a person that has to be SO sure that I am doing the right thing before I give up on someone.

OP posts:

PersianCatLady · 29/07/2018 13:30

You are paying for him to live and he treats you like this???

Do you rent or own?

If you rent you are breaching your tenancy by having another adult living in the property without the consent of your LL.

AnyFucker · 29/07/2018 13:33

You are a fool

KlutzyDraconequus · 29/07/2018 13:37

Silly girl.

He's going to say all the right things, convince you he'll change blah blah blah bollocks.
It'll be,
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
Not a real apology, it'll all somehow be your fault but he'll forgive you.

Don't go, certainly not whilst tired and weakened.

Oldstyle · 29/07/2018 13:37

Sounds like a good plan Saffy - hope it goes well. Either way you will be much clearer about the rightness of any decision.

funnylittlefloozie · 29/07/2018 13:43

To be quite blunt, why are you even bothering to ask advice here then? You know perfectly well that you will go and meet him, he will sweet-talk you round again, and you will let him walk back into your house. Lather, rinse, repeat. He will be laughing his head off that you have fallen for his schtick again. Why would he ever bother to change his behaviour when you obviously don't really object to it?

GeorgeIII · 29/07/2018 13:43

If he can roll over and sleep after a row then he lacks empathy. Soooooo his feelings matter, his decisions are right, he will do what he wants, he wants you around - to make his life better, and sometimes he does things so that you stay - but in the end it’s him that counts.

GrumpyOldBlonde · 29/07/2018 13:45

You are silly. he'll be back with his feet under your table, eating your food and in your bed tonight.

I bet somehow this will be your fault too.

Automatic · 29/07/2018 13:46

He's a user and a conditioning game player. Well done for standing up to him. Sounds immature and draining and pathetic. Don't just go back because it's habit and what you're used to. You've broken free.

He doesn't sound a bundle of fun. Go and find yourself a man not a mouse.

Polly99 · 29/07/2018 13:47

Oh FFS.

He has told you who he is.

He is a man who doesn’t contribute financially to living expenses, and has never even offered.

He tries to manipulate you by threatening to withdraw his presence.

When you meet him, he could say he loves you, that he’ll change, that you have a future together. None of that will change the fact that a mere 18 months into this relationship - when most people are still in a bit of a honeymoon period- he’s behaving like a manipulative child. I mean, seriously, if you can’t get along in the first few years cut your losses. Relationships are not supposed to be this much work.

springydaff · 29/07/2018 13:48

Well I always think it's not what people SAY but what they DO that counts.

So eg if he offers to pay his way AND DOES IT then there's hope. If he grovels with shame that he's leeched off you all this time and immediately gives you the backlog then all good. You can get on to the emotional abuse later.

Otherwise, no hope Nada. Get rid.

Bad communicator my foot! He makes perfectly clear what he wants.

springydaff · 29/07/2018 13:51

Do the Freedom Programme lovely. Do it soon!

Have a look at this and see if it rings any bells? Don't be offended, plenty of us.

billybagpuss · 29/07/2018 13:55

So if he doesn't have his own place where does he go when he huffs off?

Mix56 · 29/07/2018 13:55

He will say everything you want to hear, (regret, promises)
He will say "yes I did "this" , but because you did "that ".
He will use your own weaknesses, & he will be back to how he was before, by the end of the week
Kick to touch

LikeIDo1 · 29/07/2018 13:57

I had an ex like this (only there was some deep rooted abuse going on) where he lived in my house and tried to control everything (I was supposed to drop everything as soon as he walked through the door.)

One day I stopped pandering to him and he said that night he was leaving. He spent all night downstairs packing things/smoking/drinking and feeling disgruntled that I was upstairs sleeping and not begging him to stay. He left with some stuff in his car (the washing machine and the tv which were his) and some clothes and went to his mums. He didn't need the washing machine or the tv, he just took them because he knew I needed them for my kids and he thought I would be begging him to come back with them. It was all a game. He left things like old family photos etc which to me would be more of a priority to take with me but old family photos of his wouldn't have me begging would it...

I went out and bought a new tv and washing machine (which shocked him) and a couple of weeks later he came back "wanted to talk " which we did, and he was shocked when I said I didn't want a relationship with anyone at the moment and I was happy being single. His little performance of packing up and going was supposed to have made me beg him to stay thus give him all the power so in future he will know if I say anything about his behaviour, all he has to do is threaten to leave, and I'll be begging him to stay and apologising for saying anything. FUCK THAT!

Original poster

Saffy60 · 29/07/2018 14:01

My favourite saying...Actions speak louder than words... Read page 7 and 8!

OP posts:

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