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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He packs and leaves if we argue.

172 replies

Saffy60 · 29/07/2018 10:36

Until now I have stopped him. But the last time he did it, I said I would help him pack if he did it again as it is no way to behave, it undermines trust and shakes the roots of our relationship. So I kept to my word. And we have split up.
We have had a bit of dialogue over messenger, he says I criticise him, I think I complain about things that need to be changed. He says he can't take the agro. BUT on the occasions we argue and he doesn't pack, he will be asleep in 3 to 5 minutes and I will be awake and upset most of the night. Next morning he expects everything to be fine.
We are meeting for a chat later to day and I'm not sure I want him back.

OP posts:
YaLoVeras · 30/07/2018 18:00

He's training you to never raise any issue. And when you confront him he makes YOU backtrack. He is the victim that he doesn't have a key to your house???

I used to think that if I ''just explained it well enough'' my x would have to understand. You explain it very articulately. You understand what the issue is. I suspect he understands perfectly well too but he knows your boundaries are so low that you just accept it regardless of what you SAY. I used to do this to. Make great speeches about WHY his behaviour was unacceptable and try to make him SEE. But he never saw because he didn't want and anyway, he knew I'd stay.

Until I left.

AmayaBuzzbee · 30/07/2018 18:02

OP, I’m sorry to be so blunt, but respectfully; please don’t be an idiot. This manchild already had a very fair chance.

Relationships should not be such hard work, if it’s not working, it’s not working. Let this one go and find yourself a mature man. An adult who is capable of thinking for himself and has some respect for you.

Your relationship with this idiot sounds like mum talking to his teenaged son.

YaLoVeras · 30/07/2018 18:13

Yes, you shouldn't need to be there with your pages of articulate notes with well reasoned arguments to persuade him to treat you better!

It' slike you're going to court armed with a ''case'' to persuade him to be a better man.

He knows he's take take take take and he knows you're give give give. This dysfunctional combination goes together like a magnet and a friedge.

Kewcumber · 31/07/2018 10:35

silly but when you are feeling a little used and a little hurt and angry

This isn't going to change. He isn't going to change.

But I'm guessing many of us have flogged a dead horse way past the point it was obvious to every sentient being in the vicinity that the horse wasn't going to miraculously get up and walk.

Just try not to flog it tooooo long as it's hard work and wastes your time when you could be out looking for someone who actually likes you and behaves like a grown up!

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2018 10:51

Yeuk - he sounds like a cock!
Why are you settling??
Each to their own but this guy is a manchild, immature and a total and utter cocklodger to boot.
He's using you.

And you are letting him.
Good luck with that!

Doingreat · 31/07/2018 15:15

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship now? He is using you. You need time apart from him to explore why you are so dependent on him. Are you scared to be alone? Think you'll never find another partner? Believe you have invested too much in this relationship now and don't want to lost out? None of those are good reasons to be with this man. He's not right for you and won't suddenly become a loving and supportive partner.

Orangecake123 · 31/07/2018 15:53

Let him leave.

Too much drama, he sounds like a child.

SunflowerJo08 · 31/07/2018 16:05

Just been reading through and I'm afraid I agree with everyone else - at 18 months you should still be in the bubble really, not having to deal with an idiot that runs away with his bags packed at the first sign of a bump in the road. Where does he pack his bags and run to?

He's not in any way committed to you, and I'm sorry that sounds so brutal. You deserve SO much better than the crumbs he is providing.

Mix56 · 31/07/2018 16:42

presumably runs back to Mummy

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 31/07/2018 17:58

What does he bring to the table OP? You’ve not said one positive thing about him. He made a half hearted non apology and even that wasn’t freely given.

SunflowerJo08 · 31/07/2018 21:05

Yes that was my line of thinking Mix56

Tomatoes100 · 31/07/2018 22:49

I would spend some time on your own. If you wish to date, suggest date outside the house. He has had all the positives, you have had all the negatives. Why are paying for someone else ? If you got a lodger, you can earn X amount before paying any tax. Why is he still dependant on his parents ? Are you the type of person who likes to rescue people, if so rescue yourself away from this man. You deserve better !

Original poster
Saffy60 · 01/08/2018 16:07

Just to say....thank you ALL for giving your time and attention to this and apologies for not being the best pupil!!!

Although I may not be doing as you have suggested, I have learnt a great deal, will remember your words, they will help me fight my corner and it has bolstered me. I have always HAD way too much faith in people! And yes he does have good points as well and isn't all bad.

I was once told by an erudite lady that you have to find a man with 80% points you are looking for and 20% you can live with, I think she was maybe a little hopeful. I think more a 70/30 split and hope they are trainable on perhaps a further 5%!

No I haven't totally given up on this BUT no he isn't back either. We are still talking and I am sticking to my guns. What it comes down to is prioritizing. I need to be a much bigger priority for him in many ways. If I'm not there is absolutely no point.

I will let you know when there is an update one way or the other...promise... and once again...

Thanks Girls x

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 01/08/2018 17:37

Sigh. A relationship where you have to 'fight your corner' to be respected and not treated like a mug?? The utter bellends some women choose to be with is unbelievable. Good luck op.

OverTheHedgeSammy · 01/08/2018 17:54

I am a person that has to be SO sure that I am doing the right thing before I give up on someone.

This is SO wrong. You should be absolutely sure of someone BEFORE YOU COMMIT TO THEM. You had him in your house before you were sure of him.

KlutzyDraconequus · 01/08/2018 19:53

I was once told by an erudite lady that you have to find a man with 80% points you are looking for and 20% you can live with, I think she was maybe a little hopeful. I think more a 70/30 split and hope they are trainable on perhaps a further 5%!

This is a puddle of liquid shit.
You should be with someone that makes being with them preferable to being without them. Someone that brings happiness, fun, support and love to your life. If they bring angst, drama, fuss and Anger in any percentage, move on, they're not for you.

dirtybadger · 01/08/2018 19:59

I think "living with" (ie tolerating( is a necessity after a while. But to be honest I cant think of a single thing I can "live with" with my DP after 4 years. I know things will come up in a decades times, but I think most partners shit shouldnt stink for a few years. A 70/30 base rate doesnt sound good to me.

But I hope he pulls his socks up. A man in his early 20s could probably learn.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 01/08/2018 22:02

I was once told by an erudite lady that you have to find a man with 80% points you are looking for and 20% you can live with, I think she was maybe a little hopeful. I think more a 70/30 split

No, No, No. That's dreadful advice and an awful approach. If anyone ever said anything like that to my DDs then I'd tell them to forget they ever heard it.

The good points are the things you mention in appreciation of your loved one, they kind of go without saying when you decide if they're the one for you.

It's the bad things you consider. If you can live with the bad points and they're not deal breakers, that's what matters.

All you've talked about OP are the deal breakers and no mention of the goes without saying good qualities.

It's an awful situation for anyone to be in.

Auburnglow · 01/08/2018 23:06

Really am upset.. had a friend over today with the kids.. my boyfriend came home from work with his son.. and my friend went to The door gave my stepson a hug and my boyfriend before i even got to say.. am i being silly for being jelous as i feel i should off greeted my boyfriend first... or do i meed to get to grips and grow up ? Hmm

SilverHairedCat · 01/08/2018 23:08

@Auburnglow Did you mean to put this here or did you want to start your own thread?

But you need to grow up.

Original poster
Saffy60 · 02/08/2018 11:30

Update...we had another "chat" It was a bit heated. Chatting in anger, hurting each other is not going to solve this.

So I have made a suggestion we put our argument aside for a while, have a few dinner dates. Talk about other things, enjoy each others company, be nice, take it in turns picking up the tab and after the meal a peck on the cheek and goodnight. I think there is a chance this will help to take the anger out of the situation. Possibly first date this Friday evening . The ball is in his court.

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 02/08/2018 11:33

The ball has always been in his court.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 02/08/2018 11:48

You honestly think he will suddenly start making an effort and paying his way on dates with no prospect of staying over? He has been on a cushy number with you so far and I guarantee he will push to get you right back where he wants you.
Be interesting to see how long he lasts with a peck on the cheek and organising/ paying for dates.
As you say, op, the ball is in his court and please update with what he arranges for your date on Friday.

BakedBeans47 · 02/08/2018 11:50

He’s a cocklodger. He’s done you a favour

BakedBeans47 · 02/08/2018 11:58

Just RTFT

OP why are you wasting time on this monumental arsehole. He adds nothing good to your life and you have no ties to him. You’re a complete idiot if you don’t just tell him to fuck off.