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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He packs and leaves if we argue.

172 replies

Saffy60 · 29/07/2018 10:36

Until now I have stopped him. But the last time he did it, I said I would help him pack if he did it again as it is no way to behave, it undermines trust and shakes the roots of our relationship. So I kept to my word. And we have split up.
We have had a bit of dialogue over messenger, he says I criticise him, I think I complain about things that need to be changed. He says he can't take the agro. BUT on the occasions we argue and he doesn't pack, he will be asleep in 3 to 5 minutes and I will be awake and upset most of the night. Next morning he expects everything to be fine.
We are meeting for a chat later to day and I'm not sure I want him back.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 02/08/2018 11:58

Its my house.... he stays every night, my bills! He doesn't help out with bills, buy much groceries etc or have his own place. So rather one sided. I have been feeling a bit used

Tantrums from this user?

He's not even embarassed by being so mean as to stay in your home without contributing fairly? Im sure most people wouldn't even stay with a friend for 1 week without contributing to food and living costs.

Please wave bye bye to this scrounger. You can do better. & treat yourself to something nice from the money you've saved without this drain on your finances. Let him go out there and find there are people who won't put up with a scrounger so he will need to get his act together.

I just bet he's dying to reconcile hence the talk. He won't put it across to you like that though. He wants the easy life back. Don't let him in.

In fact in your shoes I wouldn't even turn up to talk with this waste of space. The weather's lovely - go and have yourself a nice day out

KlutzyDraconequus · 02/08/2018 11:58

I seriously hope that you're actually a toll OP. Noone can be this determined to flog a dead horse surely?

Every second of very minute of ever hour of every day of every week of every month of every year that you waste on this puddle of liquid crap is time you could have spent on someone deserving or on doing something you enjoy. You get one trip on this road, don't waste it looking at the gutter, spend time looking at the sites.

eddielizzard · 02/08/2018 12:00

Flogging a dead horse. Better to cut your losses I think.

MistressDeeCee · 02/08/2018 12:06

Oh..I've just realised you've talked, and now you've suggested dinner dates. Maybe he will do all that, as a road back to an easy life.

But when a man loves you you don't have to beg, co-erce, persuade, manipulate him into being with you. & you are doing all that, albeit dressed up as something else. You are also demanding that he change. For you.

You are incompatible. Your relationship is dead in the water and you are flogging a dead horse. We all have different timescales tho so when it's time for you to see that good, decent relationships built on love kindness and respect aren't remotely like the mire you are in, then you surely will see.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/08/2018 12:13

Oh dear - this is like watching a car crash in slow motion.
You have to respect and value yourself before anyone else will.
With this tosser taking advantage of you and you letting him, this will never ever happen.
SIGH!

theboud · 02/08/2018 12:27

You talked, it got heated so you just pretended it hadn’t happened and now you’re going out for dinner.

You are not addressing the problem. You’re papering over the gaps in the hope that he will like you more and will change to be less of a lazy, entitled fuckwit. It won’t work.

Please end this and then have some counselling to work out why you think it’s your job to enable loser men.

yearofreckoning · 02/08/2018 12:41

Sorry @Saffy60 don't mean to be rude but how old are you ? Out of interest after RTFT

Ellie56 · 02/08/2018 13:56

I despair I really do. Forget that duff advice that stupid woman gave you and bin him.

He is not going to change .
He is not going to stop using you.
He is not going to stop being a twat.

And you'll end up paying for dinner on the so called date, because there will be some reason why he can't pay.

RabbitsAreTasty · 02/08/2018 14:05

Who is doing the organising and paying for the first Friday date?

You said it was your suggestion to switch to dating to take the heat out of it.

What were his suggestions for resolving the situation?

QueenArseClangers · 02/08/2018 14:16

You really don’t think much of yourself do you OP Sad

Mix56 · 02/08/2018 14:27

OK, so wait for it, do NOT call him, see if he calls & says shall we go to X bar/resto/film etc. He may pay, he can certainly afford to !
The subject will be, & will keep returning to this issue. You can reason with him till you're blue in the face, He will make it out to be your fault. NOONE changes overnight, EVER,
He is very likely to be on best behaviour, but that's because he has no cushy free house to live in with free maid service & sex

NonaGrey · 02/08/2018 14:27

I was once told by an erudite lady that you have to find a man with 80% points you are looking for and 20% you can live with, I think she was maybe a little hopeful. I think more a 70/30 split and hope they are trainable on perhaps a further 5%!

^^ this is nonsense.

You are wasting you time with this guy.

He packs to manipulate you. He pretends to fall asleep to manipulate you.

He’ll take you on a few dates until persuaded you to give him another key and then nothing will change.

If he can’t cope with an argument about who pays for the groceries how the he’ll is he going to cope with real problems?

He is a very bad long term bet.

It doesn’t sound like love in any way.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/08/2018 15:38

Sorry op

Your now sounding like he's a project you have to manage your also not his therapist

This isn't a new exciting chapter, your flogging a dead horse, take it in turns to pay?
This was your idea then, not his I assume. He's biding his time, he'll get bored with all this false dating bollox, and probably line up another mug to keep him.

RivanQueen · 03/08/2018 11:46

OP I just wanted to add my voice to all the PP's and say stop wasting your time, energy and life on this energy sapping cocklodger. He's not going to change and I think you know that. Plus it's really quite arrogant to think that you have this power to change someone into the kind of person you want them to be. Granted he's being arrogant as well as he thinks if he point out all these negative things about you - your to critical etc. - you will change to become the person he wants you to be - mummy, cash cow and lover. I don't understand why you're wasting your time trying to fit this person into a mould of who you want them to be and why you're letting him do the same to you (and you're going along with all his manipulative, non-apology BS so you are allowing it). You're not suitable for each other, accept it, get rid and move on.

SilverySurfer · 03/08/2018 16:00

Well he's obviously a prince among men isn't he. He's a cocklodger and will do and say whatever is needed to get his feet back in the door.

Good luck, you will need it.

Laureline · 03/08/2018 16:28

OP, you sound like you actually enjoy the drama...

How old are you? Like a previous poster I’m curious, because this all comes off as very immature.

Rebecca36 · 03/08/2018 16:39

The man sounds like an immature boy.
Maybe you need to part, no point in carrying on a relationship that makes you both so unhappy.

Teateaandmoretea · 03/08/2018 16:59

I think more a 70/30 split and hope they are trainable on perhaps a further 5%!

That would work for a dog possibly but not a partner.

Just don't get pregnant is my main piece of advice if you are hell bent on putting up with him for now.

FinallyHere · 03/08/2018 17:59

Oh dear.

Just what is it about him that attracts you?

RestingBitchFaced · 03/08/2018 18:08

Of course he's going to agree to the dates, as it will get him back into your house living rent free! He's taking the piss out of you, and your letting him. Good luck, your going to need it

Original poster
Saffy60 · 05/08/2018 09:38

Hello Everyone and thank you I've finished it.

He was verbally aggressive at the coffee chats - in a supermarket.

Also it took him 2 nights to reply to a message about our first dinner date, only to tell me at 5 on the Friday evening that he couldn't make it that night.....but maybe Sunday would be nice.....

So he failed the test beautifully.

Which means I felt absolutely certain I was right to.....message back and tell him that this is not a "relationship" I have any desire to try to get back.

His reply was...thumbs up!!!

I was asked my age I am 60 as in my name he is of similar age.

I did go for some counselling sessions, the lady tells me he has learned to hide his real self very well and he kept it hidden for the first year, that must have been really difficult...I had already assumed that but nice for someone to hear all the same,made me feel "more right" to be doing this. She says he is an insidious narcissist.

Thanks again for the added strength, you are all brilliant!!!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 05/08/2018 10:42

Glad it's sorted Saffy,
at 60 (ish) he goes back to his elderly mother for meals !!!
Get any of his remaining belongings & dump at his mothers..
Live happily ever after

BakedBeans47 · 05/08/2018 10:53

Well done OP

60 and goes to his parents for tea 😭😂

Ryder63 · 05/08/2018 10:56

Hi OP! I am in my 60s, and know we can be as silly over men at 60 as we can at 16. Good that you finally binned the prat.

gamerchick · 05/08/2018 10:58

Hello Everyone and thank you I've finished it

I had a feeling you would. Sometimes it just takes a little bit of time to detach emotionally before taking the plunge.

Onward, if he hasn't grown up now then he probably won't any time soon.