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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He packs and leaves if we argue.

172 replies

Saffy60 · 29/07/2018 10:36

Until now I have stopped him. But the last time he did it, I said I would help him pack if he did it again as it is no way to behave, it undermines trust and shakes the roots of our relationship. So I kept to my word. And we have split up.
We have had a bit of dialogue over messenger, he says I criticise him, I think I complain about things that need to be changed. He says he can't take the agro. BUT on the occasions we argue and he doesn't pack, he will be asleep in 3 to 5 minutes and I will be awake and upset most of the night. Next morning he expects everything to be fine.
We are meeting for a chat later to day and I'm not sure I want him back.

OP posts:
KlutzyDraconequus · 29/07/2018 20:22

Sweet zombie Jebus, I despair..

This is why I can't get a GF, cause they're all flogging dead horses and putting up with bullshit from arseholes instead of finding a decent bloke to begin with.

He wanted to make platitudes, for you to admit you were wrong and then head to yours for a shag.

If he loved you OP... This wouldn't be an issue, her listen to your needs, apologise profusely for upsetting you and bend over backwards to make it up to you.

Remember....
A partner should ADD to your life and make it better... Not detract nd make it worse.
Is he making your life better or is he using you for a bed and a shag?

Ryder63 · 29/07/2018 20:26
Hmm
RabbitsAreTasty · 29/07/2018 20:33

Why do you want to give him another chance?

He couldn't even show basic respect for you when begging to get back with you. Are you not outraged?

peekyboo · 29/07/2018 20:34

A friend of mine spent 5 years to-ing and fro-ing with a boyfriend who treated her just like this, except he expected her to travel 8 hours every weekend to spend time with him.

She had discussions, agreements, explanations, excuses, and repeat.

In the end, after all the effort she'd put in for him, he cheated on her, got the other girl pregnant, let her pay for one more week away in the sun then left her to set up home with the OW.

dirtybadger · 29/07/2018 20:36

You shouldnt be having to sit down and have these sorts of discussions (borderline "teaching") after 18 months....

inlectorecumbit · 29/07/2018 20:45

Good God l cant believe what l have just read.
Surely you are not that desperate for male company that you would accept this shit. Where is your self respect OP???

AfterSchoolWorry · 29/07/2018 20:47

I'm not wasting my breath.

gamerchick · 29/07/2018 20:51

Feel some responses are a bit harsh on you OP, you've drawn your line in the sand rather than the straight out dumping many wanted you to do but if that's how you need it to be for your peace of mind then that's how it's got to be

Yep! I know MN just likes to dump and run but in reality it can take the mind a bit longer to detach. His habits won't die overnight, just stick to the boundary you've drawn now so it doesn't become ground hog day.

Butterymuffin · 29/07/2018 21:00

You've asked him what he wants, OP (living together one day) now think about what you want. Make a list. Start with 'boyfriend who will have a discussion not pack and storm out like a drama llama' and add all the other things. Then tell him that's what you want in a relationship and if he's not able to meet those needs it's best for you to end things now. (TBH you'll save time and effort if you just end it now anyway, but you're not ready so you do what you've got to do.)

FermatsTheorem · 29/07/2018 21:02

Well, more fool you, OP. When it all goes tits up (as it inevitably will because he's a cocklodging tosser and nothing you do will change that feature of him ) don't say we didn't tell you.

eddielizzard · 29/07/2018 21:31

You want to him to prove to you one way or another, finally, that he really really is a cocklodger and really really won't pull up his socks. Again.

Just make absolutely sure that this is the last chance. You really don't need this chance to prove it, but ok. The last chance.

You do sound like you mean it.

The sooner you get rid of the cocklodger, the sooner you can find someone with some integrity.

Kewcumber · 29/07/2018 23:24

You are indeed wasting your time but it's your time to waste.

Maelstrop · 29/07/2018 23:26

Get him to pay bills. He’s a cocklodger.

Mix56 · 30/07/2018 07:35

He doesn't seem very heartbroken does he ?
You know this is broken, you are just clinging on as you don't want to be alone. Stop it, being alone is better than being with a loser

Look at him, imagine life 40 years later.

One thing to consider, if he pays HALF of all bills when he comes back, he can then have a claim on your property when you split.
So I would make sure, you say, it costs me for ex. 500p/m, so I'll pay my rent, you can give me the rest for food, extras.
Get it in writing

Branleuse · 30/07/2018 07:38

You do realise that pretty much any dude off the street would be better than this one.

tribpot · 30/07/2018 07:51

followed by telling me to say sorry.
Which you did, even though you weren't.

Eventually the reason for his recent behaviour came to light. The lock was changed as it jammed. I did not give him another key. He has needed to be let in.
So he has been punishing you because you have obstructed his cocklodging.

although he spends every night and weekend here, he goes from his business to his parents for tea and then to me late in the evening, and is here weekends.
So he sponges off his parents as well.

Each time he butted in, talked over me, nearly walked away...silly man
This isn't a silly man. This is a man with a massive sense of entitlement, who is manipulating you into providing him with free food and lodging, and the emotional thrill of having someone beg for his time and beg harder the worse he treats them. Making you feel bad makes him feel good.

If you must give it another go (and why, I have no idea), instead of allowing him to constantly test the boundaries, I would test them yourself. That is, you put your house off limits. The relationship will be conducted through a series of dates, half of which you will arrange and pay for, and half of which he will arrange and pay for. You will not contact him to prompt him to arrange 'his' dates, that will be on him.

I suspect you will see a diminishing level of interest in the relationship once he has to put in any work. And you need to appreciate you are worth more than that.

AuntieStella · 30/07/2018 07:54

He is not a good communicator so I will insist he speaks first, hear what he has to say....but I will not say anything until he has his say...all of it.
If its all about what he wants and how I need to behave I will hear him out, drink my coffee, thank him for making the time and walk away.

He had his say....I criticise too much, he can't handle and that is why he went.

Oh dear, OP. Why on earth did you change your mind. You've not drawn your boundary/line in the sand. You have abandoned it.

Ryder63 · 30/07/2018 07:57

Everything tribpot said.

Hernameisdeborah · 30/07/2018 08:03

He really isn't worth the emotional and mental effort, please bin him. What on earth makes you think you should put up with this?

spottybetty · 30/07/2018 08:28

YY to @tribpot! Great post.

OP, what's the point? We're all wasting our breath here. Good luck. You'll need it.

Honeyroar · 30/07/2018 08:38

My overall impression from reading all your posts is that you don't even like him much (quite rightly). So I don't understand why you want to put so much effort into this. It's a young relationship, should be easy, it's not, he's hard work, he doesn't pay his way, he can't discuss things. I'd give up and more on. Your head sounds like it's worked it out, why are you still there??

Original poster
Saffy60 · 30/07/2018 13:41

Tribpot...I was already considering exactly the date thing you have suggested. It makes more sense in black and white and even more taking turns paying, than expecting him to pay for each...which... : ) I might have... silly but when you are feeling a little used and a little hurt and angry! AND probably wouldn't have stood even a half a chance of working....

Might ... just give it a go. x

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 30/07/2018 14:42

Why are you doing this OP?
We've all told you what a twat and a waste of space he is. He isn't going to change.

Stop feeling "a little used, a little hurt and a little angry". Start feeling a LOT used, a LOT hurt and most of all a LOT ANGRY!! Tell him you are taking your house, your life and your self respect back.Then tell him to pack his bags and f**k off.

You can do much better than him. You deserve better. You just need to believe it.

RabbitsAreTasty · 30/07/2018 16:01

I think the dating option is an excellent idea.

If he is a cocklodger he will be pissed off, will try to leave all the work of arranging dates to you, will avoid paying, will be constantly trying to worm his way back into your home: stealth moving in.

If he's not a cocklodger then the dating will allow him to stand on his own two feet and show you that he's a grown up who can manage his own life rather nicely thank you. You'll be a pleasant addition to his life instead of a convenient provider of his life.

Make damn sure the bugger stops talking over you though. That's basic disrespect.

ohdearmissus · 30/07/2018 17:51

From my past bitter experience with a very similar sounding "man"... Tribpots advice is excellent...and is what I was planning to do if we gave things another go. (we didn't get that far..with hindsight he had checked out months before...obviously I was too unreasonable expecting him to pull his weight...and he moved onto his next supply)...
My guess is that your fella will not agree to the dates idea and not sponging off of you..and will be off.
Think about this...as I know that I would've been in a much better position mentally if I had called it off...don't let him dictate that too.
The sense of entitlement is astounding...After all, if we really loved them, we would want them at our places all of the time.They play us, make us think that it is us being mean, they are clever....please be careful.
As for changing, they won't change as they don't see any need to. They feel that they are justified in their demands/behaviour.
In the end for me I lost all respect for the manchild, and didn't want him anywhere near me (a therapist friend summed this up as of course I didn't, I wasn't in the habit of having sex with a small child..Looking back she was spot on)..
Good luck