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Original poster

Why is my friend single?

177 replies

Puzzledd · 26/04/2018 22:55

She is:

36
Attractive
Has an excellent job
Owns her own home
Very confident, friendly and chatty.
Interesting and has a lot to say

However she's only had one relationship since she was 21, it was for a few months and he ended it without giving her a reason.

She's very proactive on online dating, match.com events etc and I sometimes wonder if maybe she's a bit too much? I've never been in to that stuff so never seen her in action in that environment.

She's also incredibly generous and accommodating, to her own detriment actually.

She's been a bit down lately about being unattached and it remains a total mystery to my why she hasn't been snapped up.

She's big in to self improvement and is always up to something, she has a really busy social life.

Anyone similar or got any similar pals who might be able to shed a bit of light? I really want to help her but I'm stumped.

OP posts:
LittleMissedTheSunshine · 26/04/2018 22:59

It's weird some people seem to find it very easy to attract partners and others not.

It doesn't seem to matter how attractive/fun/interesting someone is.

I know someone who's a complete arse but has barely ever been single not for any length of time.

My brother is 31 and on paper quite a catch but he only met his first ever proper girlfriend this year.

I can't make sense of it.

Holowiwi · 26/04/2018 23:02

Firstly what type of men is she aiming for?

Is she being realistic? Or is she looking for a man that doesn't exist?

Cricrichan · 26/04/2018 23:03

I have no idea. I have a few amazing friends who are like you describe. They seem to like the wrong guys and not bother with the right type in my experience.

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/04/2018 23:06

I have friends like this. All be it they have children but have been divorced over 15 years each.

They too try OLD etc From a person looking on I think it gets to be a habit. They do the same things over and over and get the same results.

UserV · 26/04/2018 23:11

@Puzzledd

Is this 'friend' YOU?

UkPod · 26/04/2018 23:12

There is a quote some men use;

"If they're hot and they're single, they're crazy"

Crunched · 26/04/2018 23:15

I have a friend I’ve known for 20+ years. She is bubbly, attractive (think Kylie Minogue), has an interesting well-paid career and her own home. In all these years she has had two relationships- 1 for 9 months, he realised he was gay, and 2 for 3 months, he said she got too keen, too quick. She tried everything to get a partner but has given up since she hit 50.
It is impossible for me to understand her difficulty and my male friends all agree. Weird...

TrippingTheVelvet · 26/04/2018 23:16

I have a couple of friends like this. It's impossible expectations and an unwillingness to compromise because they're so used to being single. Some people don't seem to get that perfect for you and perfect are different things.

Chippyway · 26/04/2018 23:17

I’m sorry, I’m not being rude but I really dont understand the point in this thread?

Nobody knows why your friend/you is single.

Does it really matter?! You/She obviously hasn’t met the right person yet and that’s probably the only answer there is to it. Stop analysing over pointless stuff. A bunch of women on mumsnet cannot give you the answer

InR3alThym3 · 26/04/2018 23:23

Perhaps your friend has an enormous list of what she wants in her next partner.

gamerchick · 26/04/2018 23:24

What’s the point in any thread chippy? If you don’t like it then move on.

I’ve always found it to be expectations. There will be something they’re unmovable and won’t compromise on. Like a girl who will only date pilots and nothing else will measure up then complain endlessly about being single.

Petitepamplemousse · 26/04/2018 23:32

I don’t know. For me, I guess I’m rather fussy. But having been cheated on by one long term partner and abused by the other, I have to be sure someone is wonderful before I will let my guard down.

Greymisty · 26/04/2018 23:35

Embarrassingly I am like your friend except it doesn't really get me down. Are my expectations to high? Some would perceive it like that. I just know what will make me unhappy in a long term relationship and I like being single enough to not compromise on happiness.

Farontothemaddingcrowd · 26/04/2018 23:36

Ukpod.
Those men are misogynists.

SandyY2K · 26/04/2018 23:37

I'll be honest...the women I know who are single...I can deduce why they're single.

It's usually something to do with their personality and not being proactive.

They lack confidence too.

Even if I had make friends looking for someone...I wouldn't recommend any of them. Did it with one and it didn't work out. I think she lacked experience and he wasn't expecting that of a 30 year old.

Maybe it's just bad luck for your friend...she does sound nice. I hear the dating sites you pay for are better.

frogsoup · 26/04/2018 23:44

I have a good friend like this. My only explanation is that she appears extremely self-contained, and so perhaps as a consequence projects unavailability in some mysterious way. You need to make yourself a bit vulnerable perhaps to allow a partner a way in? But really it's a total mystery to me, she's amazing!

DarkDarkNight · 27/04/2018 00:02

A crushing lack of confidence and chronic anxiety in my case, can't speak for your friend.

Everybody I know seems to drift into relationships easily and quickly.

Marmitesoldiers · 27/04/2018 00:19

My friend who is like this has always had long term crushes on people who weren’t interested in her. Sometimes you have to try Mr Good Enough, rather than waiting for Mr Perfect.

Khaleesi0 · 27/04/2018 00:40

This could be about me, but I'm 39... people tell me I'm funny, smart, attractive, independent and can't understand why I'm single.

It's my self-confidence I reckon

LoveforPGTipsMonkey · 27/04/2018 00:40

Yep, Marmite, many chronically single women crush on unavailable men - must be a deep fear of the real relationships (usually because of bad previous experience, or lack of confidence from early years, or bad example that parents gave). It's very hard to shake that off.

Otoh if your friend is TOO chatty and always has opinions, this may be seen as tiresome or too much to handle on daily basis. It depends whether she's overpowering/loud with it, or does she also listen to others a lot. But generally from what I've heard from men, it's a minority who want a chatterbox as a wife.

And of course she may be simply fussy (as am I).

Voci · 27/04/2018 00:42

People tend to overestimate their own attractiveness/ how good a catch they are.

If she’s highly educated, she’ll probably struggle on the secondary dating market. More so each year and she’s already +35. Most men prefer someone with a lower education level or a lower salary, makes it a bit more difficult. This is assuming she wants an equally educated man, so she could lower her standards for a slightly higher success rate.

LemonysSnicket · 27/04/2018 00:43

Is she jealous, selfish? You don’t know how she is in a relationship vs a friendship.

My sister is my best friend and would kill for me . With her partner she is a psycho.

MistressDeeCee · 27/04/2018 00:44

She's not met the right person yet that's why she's single. Why are you speculating anyway - it comes across as judgmental.

You wonder if she's "a bit too much" for who? Are you anticipating what men will think, or do you think she should change herself to be more acceptable to men?

These threads tend to turn into smug-fests to have a pop at someone who sounds great but oooh she can't get a man so she can't be all that.

Cue uninformed speculating and women speaking as if they're the oracle of what men want, and what she's doing wrong. Its like a 1950s How to Get A Man magazine

"If they're hot and they're single, they're crazy"

^ How lovely🙄

I wouldn't start this type of thread about a mate. It's mean. & it's all faux concern sounding so I guess you're not a real friend anyway

DangerEgg · 27/04/2018 00:51

Flattery. Your friend needs to twirl her hair round her finger, laugh at any man's joke and laugh like a simpleton.

Then, when hooked he can get to know her.

And yes, downplay her life successes.

Its late and I'm cynical.

Johnnyfinland · 27/04/2018 01:00

In my experience and my single friends, we keep meeting men who after a few months of dating decide they don't want a relationship. This is a repeating pattern among a good 6 or so women I know including myself. And yes there probably is an element of us going after the wrong people.

Also, it's actually really hard to meet people. Nobody fancies me or is pursuing me and similarly there's no one I fancy or want to pursue. The last OLD guy I met ghosted me after one date despite initially suggesting we met up again.

Personally I'd rather be single forever than date someone who finds me too opinionated, too intelligent, too confident or too chatty or expected me to downplay my achievements to make them feel manlier. No thanks.