Why is my friend single?

[Puzzledd]

She is:

36
Attractive
Has an excellent job
Owns her own home
Very confident, friendly and chatty.
Interesting and has a lot to say

However she's only had one relationship since she was 21, it was for a few months and he ended it without giving her a reason.

She's very proactive on online dating, match.com events etc and I sometimes wonder if maybe she's a bit too much? I've never been in to that stuff so never seen her in action in that environment.

She's also incredibly generous and accommodating, to her own detriment actually.

She's been a bit down lately about being unattached and it remains a total mystery to my why she hasn't been snapped up.

She's big in to self improvement and is always up to something, she has a really busy social life.

Anyone similar or got any similar pals who might be able to shed a bit of light? I really want to help her but I'm stumped.

Unless this is actually about you, it seems quite mean to start a discussion about what could possibly be “wrong” with your friend, even if it is anonymous. What are you hoping to gain? None of us could possibly know the answer. It just seems like a way to get people to reveal their insecurities and/or bitch about your friend.

If it is about you, we still can’t tell you but if you can’t admit you’re talking about yourself in an anonymous forum then I’d say you lack confidence and that’s never going to help you.

You never really know what goes on behind closed doors in a relationship. She could have impossible standards that her dates can't quite match up to. She could be really controlling or needy. She could just be dating losers.

I had a friend who was of a similar status and she was single for years, I know she has OCD (medicated) and can be quite high maintenance though, and I know she had some higher standards when she was dating that the men she was seeing couldn't match up to. Sometimes she'd end up with a loser who ended up being intimidated by her success. She was also very adamant she wanted to have children, but at 37 or so most of the men she was dating were in their 40's and had children from previous relationships and weren't keen to jump back into newborn territory again.

It really varies. Even now, my friend is finally in a relationship, they've bought a house and she's expecting her first child and she's just turned 40. Unfortunately her partner is a gaslighting douche, so I don't get why she's sticking around with him.

Not saying this is the case, But - Lots of single seemingly amazing people are actually quite selfish and self absorbed.

Nothing sexier than someone genuinely interested in you...

I know a woman like this. The reason she is all the things you describe is because she is incredibly driven. She knows what she wants and she goes for it. Thing is, she sees a future partner in the same way she sees everything else - an item to tick off her list. Don’t get me wrong, she is a lovely person and would make a fantastic and caring partner and mother, but only for the right person.

He needs to be:
Attractive
Successful
Driven
Have similar interests
Be completely and very obviously into her

I think this is a very reasonable list of things to have, it’s just hard to find men who have all these qualities. She does find them though, but then I think she comes on too strong. I’ve seen this problem with a lot of driven women. She expects them to fall into a relationship like a married couple within weeks. Be constantly together, understanding eye signals across the room, be planning for a future together - they’ve just met!

Even though she is amazing she needs to give people time to discover that and take time to let a real relationship grow. She wants a husband more than an actual friend if you see what I mean.

I don’t know if that’s the case for your friend but it’s a recurrent theme I see.

Reading about attachment theory helps. Fact is the single market is disproportionately represented by people who have anxious or avoidant attachment styles as most other people are in relationships so even if you are single and have a healthy relationship attachment style yourself, the odds are stacked against you dating someone who doesn’t

Also - you never know. A close friend of mine is a long term single and I never understood why but then we had a little disagreement that just escalated for no reason and she became quite horrible and vindictive when I tried to reconcile. She just didn’t have the tools to deal with conflict in an adult way and move on. I saw a whole different side of her and understand now why the relationships never worked out.

Sorry, we’re definitely talking about a heterosexual woman, who is trying to meet a man, are we? Is match.com specific to those relationships? It’s the only clue I can see in the OP that might cause us all to think it’s a straight situation?

Sorry again if it’s been mentioned already, I only scrolled one looong page of ‘men’ this and ‘man’ that.

Skittles, op says:

“she's only had one relationship since she was 21, it was for a few months and he ended it without giving her a reason”

Most men prefer someone with a lower education level or a lower salary, makes it a bit more difficult.

My experience is the opposite - most of my friends who have degrees have married university graduates.

About the OP's friend, some people are conventionally attractive but just not sexy. I know somebody like this, in fact, once she asked me why I thought she couldn't find a partner. She is intelligent, successful and pretty, but for some reason she just isn't fanciable - she doesn't give off alluring vibes. When I first met her at a party I had fun talking to her, but didn't fancy her in the slightest, and immediately thought that was puzzling, since she was a nice person and good looking, and neither did either of my friends. That's the only thing I can think of.

I certainly didn't say that to her - I just shrugged and said I couldn't understand it either. Perhaps the OP's friend is similar.

have a couple of friends like this. It's impossible expectations and an unwillingness to compromise because they're so used to being single. Some people don't seem to get that perfect for you and perfect are different things

Piss off. I am a bit chunky but otherwise am technically a good catch with an excellent job, a house, well read, love sex, love adventures. Long term single and not “too fussy”. Very few people are interested and I am certainly not turning anyone down. Men ditch me rapidly despite telling me how wonderful I am and how I tick all the boxes.

My list of expectations is short- not be a total dick, be interested in the world and be able to hold a conversation, have a job of some sort which they enjoy and not be an addict of any sort. Don’t really care what they look like, how tall they are, whether they have a degree, what car they drive.

Some of these comments are the same as when naturally skinny people explain that people who are overweight should take up yoga and they will drop 10 stone in a month.

Why do you think they ditch you rapidly then, bob?

Thanks you everyone. For those suggesting I'm being mean, I thought my initial post put across how brilliant I think she is. We've been out a few times recently and she's directly asked me for advice - I literally didn't have any and feel awful that I can't help her with the advice she's looking for.

That being said, I know she's not a Mumsnet user but she is an avid googler so perhaps I will get thread deleted just in case.

You know her as a friend, not to date.

I was set up with someone once, who to an outsider looking in, ticked all the boxes but, in a fledgling relationship were bloody hard work

If you are happy to go out with any man, then it is not difficult to find dates.

In your 20s, women have all the “power”for want of a better word, mainly because there is no bio clock pressure.
20 something men are not quite as confident compared to the women, so you can pretty much end up with your equal.

Switch to 30s and the male equivalent version of the op’s friend. ( not all of them). Are quite often looking for someone a bit less accomplished, but decorative to bolster the ego. Especially if they are coming round the block a few times.

Is your friend looking for someone with no baggage op? Because those men who have never married, by the time they get to late 30s are usually single for a reason

I agree with the last poster men around 35 who are attractive, successful own their own home etc are probably at their peak and will have so many options they can easily date women in the 20s. It will be quite hard for your friend to find her equivalent it at her age she may have to go a few years older.

Or a few years younger

Yes, agree with she needs to look outside her age group.
She has a better chance with someone a bit older, mid 40s.
Depends whether she wants children or not (there is still time) but often men in their mid 40s have already done that.

I would recommend younger men if you have already been in a LTR and want to "get back in the saddle" so to speak.

FWIW, look at the example of Kate & William. When he dumped her when they were both around 25, he really had the hots for Isabella Calthorpe, but she wasn't interested and snagged (Billionaire's son) Sam Branson. who was then 27 & Isabella was 32
Calthorpe Branson wedding Isabella definitely had social capital. She turned down a future King & was snapped up.

I have a friend like this and it's because of her refusal to go for anyone slightly different.

She very much has a 'type' which is fine, but in all honesty the things she goes for always end badly. She likes the bad boy, I need to help change them type.

I've begged her to try dating someone outside of this usual type but she never listens. Her last boyfriend is now in prsion and her current partner is practically abusive to her but she won't leave because she thinks he's damaged and waiting for someone to rescue him

I love her but my God it drives me insane.

I have a similar friend who is just amazing in every way in my eyes but she can't find a suitable partner. She went on a few dates my DPs friend and he said she was so intense he couldn't cope. I tried to tell her this but she insisted that she wasn't so I now suspect this may be the problem. She will find someone oneday who's perfect for her I am sure.

The overriding (depressing) tone of this whole thread is:

Don’t be single
Lower your expectations
Don’t be ‘too much’
Don’t be successful
Single = defective.

It makes for very very depresssing reading

I’m single because I’ve yet to find anyone worth giving it up for. Simple as that.

PPs mentored how some men and women seem to get into relationships quite easily and others don't. I've noticed this and wondered about it. There doesn't seem to be a trend in terms of looks or personality - some people just have the inbuilt ability to meet people and start dating in the same way that some people are naturally good at maths or football or art.

@SinglePringle I'd much rather my friend be single (if that's what she wanted) and I want her to raise her expectations not lower them.

In my eyes the people she sees as her 'type' are far far far below what she deserves. This is why they always end badly. She needs to think more highly of herself I think.

Is she fun? All my long term single friends were always a bit serious, especially socially, early on.

Agree that this is a very depressing thread.

If you lined up single people against one wall and people in a relationship against the other wall, you wouldn't be able to say that "Ooh, look, one lot have that magic ingredient while the other lot don't!" A lot of it is luck, timing, what you're willing to settle for and how much bullshit you'll settle for.

I agree singlepringle depressing reading. I have been at this thread tbh.
Single people are no fun, must be defective in some way? WTF?? They just haven't found a relationship that suits them yet. Some people are in great relationships and lovely people., some are arseholes or no fun or all the same thing single people have been accused of on here lots of people will put up with any crap relationship or behaviour rather than be single, which is the more sad state of affairs imo