Why is my friend single?

[Puzzledd]

She is:

36
Attractive
Has an excellent job
Owns her own home
Very confident, friendly and chatty.
Interesting and has a lot to say

However she's only had one relationship since she was 21, it was for a few months and he ended it without giving her a reason.

She's very proactive on online dating, match.com events etc and I sometimes wonder if maybe she's a bit too much? I've never been in to that stuff so never seen her in action in that environment.

She's also incredibly generous and accommodating, to her own detriment actually.

She's been a bit down lately about being unattached and it remains a total mystery to my why she hasn't been snapped up.

She's big in to self improvement and is always up to something, she has a really busy social life.

Anyone similar or got any similar pals who might be able to shed a bit of light? I really want to help her but I'm stumped.

Some people just don't meet people easily. At 36 you need to begin accepting you will have to find someone who already has children from a previous relationship. That can quite daunting and some people are not willing to take it on. I imagine with a mortgage its also the consideration of bringing someone into your mortgage who will then be entitled to 50% should the relationship break down.

btw I am single by choice while I bring up my children. I hope none of my friends are like the people on this thread, judging me for my 'deficiencies' or starting a thread on it they wouldn't be friends any more that's for sure. How very odd to consider yourself a better person just because you are in a relationship.

I think in the beginning of a relationship you accept a certain amount of B.S. Which you iron out and call them out on. Usually it is because people are nervous or just need to be told. Equally some people want others to read their minds.

Friend mid 30s (own business, attractive, slim, solvent and one teenage ds from her brief marriage in her very early 20s) went on one date with a guy early 40s (own successful business, relatively good looking, solvent and 2 children from a previous marriage 10years before).

They got on great, everything was going well. She said she felt they just clicked. They even discussed children.
He wanted more, she wanted more. At the end of the evening they left the restaurant. As they were going in opposite directions he hailed her a cab and kissed her goodbye.
She refused to go out with him again because he hadn't accompanied her to her front door.

We asked her did she ask him to accompany her to her front door.
Answer No. Apparently he was supposed to read her mind.

10 years on she is still single.

oh my god that's just ridiculous Olivers

I think we all had visions in our mind of our perfect partner. As you grow older most people accept you will unlikely find that perfect partner and you have to give and take.

I find a lot of posts in this thread a bit too smug and irrelevant to be honest, basically, if you are single it is your fault because you are too picky, how dare you have standards?!

But anyway, in my opinion finding someone in your 30s is difficult in this day and age anyway, online dating is a minefield. A lot of men are married or separated pretending to be signle. A lot of men who are single and childless are there just for short term relationships and are not actually willing to settle down. Others who want relationships are extremely picky. I suppose it goes both ways, but I have male friends who date online and are so extremely picky and judgemental about the smallest perceived fault. Even if she has lower standards, she probably gets these types of men.

I would recommend to your friend if she does OLD to meet more people for quick coffees rather than extended dates. She has to unfortunately treat dating like work, rather than having fun.

If you think that is ridiculous a few months later she began dating a married guy.
She showed me a text from him saying that he was going to a secret government campus and there was no phones allowed. So don't call. It took more than one of us to convince her that he was on holiday with his wife and kids.

Hit the nail on the head bibliomania

MrBob I think it's unfair to tell me to piss off for answering why I think MY friends are terminally single. I also know some lovely women who are single by choice or maybe because they're so shy. Then again, some I'm sure are single for the simple reason that they're over sensitive so take everything as a slight against them.

Yes of course everyone sensitive who takes things as a slight against them is not in a relationship. Righty-o. Lets just add it to the list of 'flaws of the single' or terminally single as you would say

I'm 41 & friends would describe me as 'always single' but I am actually dating & have flings they just don't turn out well.

On paper people say I'm pretty, I'm quite slim, got my own home, got a good job & im a caring person.

But if I'm honest it's my fault I'm single as I'm very cautious- I get lots of online messages but go through stages of not answering them because I feel too scared or shy.

I'm well at present but do suffer from schizo affective disorder & not well controlled epilepsy- I'm honest about the epilepsy but not about the MH problems so men can get the impression that I'm hiding something (which of course I am).

The last date I went on the man was nice enough but he kept complaining about his shoulder aching & about the price of his meal (£13) which put me off really.

Before that I dated a really attractive man who didn't tell me he was married!! So I had to dump him.

And prior to that I dated an attractive rich man, he turned out to be a total snob which I disliked.

It's a shame because I would have loved to have children but have spent the last 9 years going through periods of poor mental health so looking for a partner properly has been not a priority.

As for your friend OP I can't give any advice except keep trying but don't try too hard..

Wow, this thread (not the OP) is one of the most judgemental things I've ever read on MN. I now also understand why certain people who are in rubbishy marriages stay in them, because if you yourself have the opinion that single people are defective in some way then why would you ever leave a crappy marriage to be a judged and looked-down upon single.

If you judge people based on their relationship status then I'm concerned about your views on life as a whole. Single people are no different from coupled-up people other than the fact they're not currently in a romantic relationship with anyone. End of.

I wonder this about myself!

But maybe it no longer matters. At 48 you realise that it's made you a stronger person. I am fine with being alone. Now. It's not like I had some attachment disorder. Some people have tried to analyse me but I know it's not me, I can connect. But the people who want me, I do not want them, and it wouldn't be worth losing my freedom and space for them. I would give up my space happily for somebody who was good company, dynamic, decent, kind, compatible, attractive. And that my friends is too much to ask!

well said skyrocketing and mightaswelltakethemoney I completely agree

It's easy to fall into a relationship when you are young but as you get older you have built a life that must become harder and harder to give up. The people I know who are long term single are single for different reasons, one was sexually assaulted as a teenager and has never formed a romantic relationship, one had various boyfriends in their 20s (none of which were good enough for her IMHO) but has dated no-one for years, one had complicating family expectations but ultimately found someone really nice in her late 30s, actually I can think of a few who met someone nice in their 40s. I think your 30s is a bad time for dating, women suffer from others assumption that they have a loud ticking biological clock in those years.

But ultimately it's surely a lot better to be single than in a bad relationship. Better to build a good life for yourself and if someone nice comes along then great but if not then so what.

My experience is the opposite - most of my friends who have degrees have married university graduates.

Yes but I assume most of your friends have found their partners on the primary dating market. This usually implies strong homogamy in educational level. It’s because highly educated women meet highly educated men while they are enjoying university. No longer the case in the secondary dating market; more heterogamy.

Many highly educated women have issues with down dating. So they make it more difficult for themselves; a surplus of highly educated women fishing in the pond of the highly educated men. Lowly educated women do very well with highly educated men in the secondary dating market; highly educated women stay behind. It’s even starting to become a “problem” (quite innocent really – solution: date other men) on the primary dating market. More and more women in higher education, not enough men.

I wasn’t saying that being a highly educated woman in that age bracket means that you’ll be single forever, just that it’s more difficult. If you want to make it easier: lower your standards a bit. Necessity, attractiveness and opportunity. You have to know your worth; children, previously divorced, and age contribute to your attractiveness. Especially for women once past 35-40 it’s a whole lot harder.

Sounds like she needs to play harder to get.

She should pretend to be married. They'll be howling at the door.

The last date I went on the man was nice enough but he kept complaining about his shoulder aching & about the price of his meal (£13) which put me off really.

^^

" the mating gradient means that when men increase in status, they widen their pool of eligibles; when women increase in status, their pool of eligibles becomes narrower,". Statistically true -- not true in every case of course.

Agree depressing thread. Stop pathologising being single. Have you actually seen who isn’t single? Weird guys, people who are controlling, people who are over educated, selfish people, people who aren’t sexy ....

In other words all the kinds of people there are in the world. Just like the population of single people.

You have to know your worth; children, previously divorced, and age contribute to your attractiveness. Especially for women once past 35-40 it’s a whole lot harder

Being divorced, having children, my age do not diminish my worth in the least. If it does in the eyes of a man, he wouldn't be a man I'd want. In any case there are plenty of single men of 40 plus it's not like they disappear off the face of the earth after that age so I don't know where you get your stats.

I think I'm your friend puzzled
I've been single for 6 years & I have no idea why. I aren't bigging myself up but I am everything that's on your list.....
I've had 2 serious relationships....5 years & years. 2 dc from 2nd relationship. But nothing for 6 years.

I often wonder what I'm doing wrong. It remains a mystery.

Thanks everyone for your input. Nothing wrong with being single, and if she was happy single I wouldn't be giving it a second thought, plenty of my friends are. I just hate her being unhappy.

The suggestion that hits home the most is that she's worked so hard to make her life full and interesting with no man, it's unclear where one would fit in. But I'd never suggest her making her life less full! The right one will fit in perfectly when he makes an appearance.

To those looking for a partner- good luck! For those who identify with my description of my friend, you sound like lovely people!

Ive been single ten years. Im attractive. Funny. Sane. Solvent.
I could go on but you get it. Men I like might like me, might flirt a bit, chat a bit, but they do not ask me out. I dont know how to become a girlfriend. I dont mean anybodys girlfriend. I mean if i like somebody it never ends up with them liking me back in return (in a genuine, respectful way).

As for children diminishing my worth 🤔 im not looming for a paint by numbers build a bear relationship. I want a genuine connection, emotional chemistry.