Why is my friend single?

[Puzzledd]

She is:

36
Attractive
Has an excellent job
Owns her own home
Very confident, friendly and chatty.
Interesting and has a lot to say

However she's only had one relationship since she was 21, it was for a few months and he ended it without giving her a reason.

She's very proactive on online dating, match.com events etc and I sometimes wonder if maybe she's a bit too much? I've never been in to that stuff so never seen her in action in that environment.

She's also incredibly generous and accommodating, to her own detriment actually.

She's been a bit down lately about being unattached and it remains a total mystery to my why she hasn't been snapped up.

She's big in to self improvement and is always up to something, she has a really busy social life.

Anyone similar or got any similar pals who might be able to shed a bit of light? I really want to help her but I'm stumped.

Person who wanted to see stats: you can find many stats if you google repartnering, gender gap in repartnering etc …. Plenty of stats concerning how children lessen your appeal on the dating market (mostly for women, more limited/unclear/sometimes no effect for men), same for divorce, and a whole bunch of other factors … Difference in success/education level. Doesn’t really matter in what language, as long as it’s somewhere in Western-Europe. +- the same
E.g: Flanders and the Netherlands: Lots of good work by Mortelmans, Pasteels etc…

A version of Mortelmans’ Q&A concerning why smart (highly educated) women struggle to find a new partner: bit.ly/2HzMOfN (more or less the same of what I’ve said).

I do apologize for using the word “worth”, sorry. Should have used another word, I meant it in an abstract way.

Primary dating market: Partner market when you’re young. University etc… It’s easier to find a partner there. Once you turn 35 it becomes more difficult. Women with a high education level are hit the hardest. As said, on the secondary dating market most men look for a women with a lower education level or a lower salary level. Instinctively you’d probably think different: women with a lower education level often get the kids more (in time), they earn less, … Women with a higher education level earn more, have a bigger house, tend to have the kids less… More positives, yet they lose out a lot of the time. Result: not enough highly educated men to go around.

Personally, I think highly educated women lose out because lower educated/earning women are better/more willing enablers. They are more willing (and probably have more time) to support the highly educated man, act as a PA, help him with his career. Helping him shine if you will.

It seems to be the norm these days,ie, the good looking,,smart,intelligent,and well educated women,not being quite in vogue as to finding their Mr right in life. I have heard quite a few men saying they would not be enticed by women who are self opinionated at all times, who are too picky and choosy about men,and are not the down to earth women that seem the most desirable to men.

I also think this thread is fascinating and not patronising. I am one of those who has found it quite easy to get into relationships all my life but I would also say that I am the kind of person who allows others to take centre stage and morphs into who others want me to be. So I am a good supporting act rather than the main event. Probably part of my conditioning and misogynistic upbringing. Which I would say has taken its toll on me over time, meaning I have always subjugated myself, a habit which I am now trying to break (and which my DH dislikes me for and will probably lead to our divorce.)

One person my age (35) I know who is chronically single and has been most of her life and complains that she is not finding the perfect person IME would never accept anything other than the full romantic fairytale, intense passion, complete with the non-existant alpha male who would allow her and her needs to take centre stage in the relationship. When I tell her about my own relationship, how lots of young kids drain the life out of us and how DH and I only have sex every few months, and we are both enslaved by work to pay bills and the mortgage, she looks at me with utter horror. Because for her that is not a relationship nor even a life. Even though it is quite often reality for people our age.

I don’t think she wants or expects reality. She says the idea of it makes her feel physically sick.

The other friend I have who talks about not being able to find a relationship and asks me why i think that’s the case, also 35, is very invulnerable. Conversation is short and to the point. She says nothing in life has ever happened to her or bothered her enough to ever need to talk about it, positively or negatively. She owns her own flat, has a great job, is very cultured and attractive, but just doesn’t really see life as the confusing / exhausting / amazing / complex horror show that it is. And she finds people strange who have an experience which makes them emotional And she says she cannot relate to it.

I feel like this thread should be cross referenced with the online dating thread.

That's full of single women and their experiences might go some way in showing why they are still single.

Perhaps we should maybe look at society/dating culture rather than look for faults in women who are meant to be friends.

This thread is perhaps the most depressing read ever.

I have a great friend who has generally been single for the 20+ years i’ve Known her. There have been a few guys but nothing came to anything permanent. I overheard when DS asked her about it recently (nothing like a teenage boy to leap in where angels fear to tread). She explained to him that she had always wanted a different kind of life and had different plans to other people. All the men she had met wanted her to give up her plans and dreams to fall in with theirs and she did not want to. It made me realise that she had a strength of character and sense of self worth that a lot of us who got into bad relationships didn’t have

She’s an awesome woman who is a brilliant influence on the hoards of kids and teens in her life. She is successful, kind, generous, funny, loving, well read, good cook, well travelled, huge variety of interests, etc, etc. There is no reasonable measure that could consider her a failure. And she is “terminally single” (as others have put it) because she wants to be. Good for her.

@Quiddich. I think it's clear I'm not looking for fault in her. She's asked me where she might be going wrong, I don't have a bloody clue because I think she's the best. Asking for experience of others isn't looking for fault in my friend, it's more situational to my mind. So please don't question how genuine my intentions or friendships are.

For those saying it's depressing, I think I agree. I'm married with two kids and in my mid thirties and if my marriage fails I'm not optimistic about my chances! However, PP said how there's research backing it up not just anecdotal so maybe a reality we have to face however unjust.

I have also found the thread totally fascinating at the same time, but it wouldn't feel right giving her most of the advice because it feels like asking her to play down her intelligence, success, confidence which feels so wrong.

@Ratonastick absolutely, good for her. She sounds like an inspiration.

I didn't just mean you, but some of the posts on here are just dreadful.

No one should ever have to play down anything to get a man- the man wouldn't be a match for her if she wasn't being herself, and there is just a path of misery and eroded self belief ahead. Crazy advice.

Dating gets harder the older you get is probably a better summary of the situation.

"I think some women give of a certain vibe that can have men running and attracted to them."

I used to work with a pretty, slim woman with long blonde hair. Would have been about 24 at the time. A man's dream you might think. She couldn't go to clubs without being pestered all the time.
However, none of the men at work flirted with her much. She just didn't give off those vibes. They flirted with a much older, overweight woman. This woman was very pretty, but I once asked one of them men what it was about her. He said that she looked at men a lot when she flirted and made them feel she was really focused on them.

Can we get many more “isms” onto this thread?

Your friend needs to twirl her hair round her finger, laugh at any man's joke and laugh like a simpleton.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who finds that attractive.

And as for men ‘not liking women who dress outside or the mainstream’ what —crap— nonsense.

I wouldn't want to be with a man who finds that attractive.

If you are with a man, you probably already are.

Er what; so all men find hair twirling attractive?

What if you have a crop?

If you are with a man, you probably already are

I am really not with that sort of man.

When did the time machine take us back to the 50s?

Some of the comments on here are like those awful 'How to keep your husband happy' 50s things that get sent round Facebook as a joke

Just a thought,but is it definitely men she's in to?

Good lord. You know women are allowed to be single, right? It's not a disease. She doesn't have anything wrong with her. She doesn't have to change a single damned thing about herself to "get" a man. If she feels like she has to change to be with someone then that's not the man for her.

Why should she compromise who she is just to get a partner? FFS.

Hair twirling and vacant laughs? Seriously. What fucking decade am I in?

@Kettlan have you even read the original or any subsequent posts before you posted your rude message? Question has only been asked as she is feeling down about it and asked for advice. Thanks for your input though

@Bexter yes. Unless she herself doesn't realise that it's women.

Ive been single almost a year now. Ive had some dating between that. Ive found it harder since being a single parent. Before I had children it weren't too hard. I think I have high expectations now because of my DS. I don't want any guy to just walk into our lives. I want someone who will accept him too. Atm I don't think alot of guys around my age are willing to date me as I have a child. Just want to have fun instead. I can see me being single for quite a while as I don't want to settle for less.
Also understand what people are saying about intelligence/career. Ive been known to dumb down my job as a few guys have felt a bit threatened by it. I look for someone equally ambitious as me too.

Puzzle have you read any of the subsequent posts? I'm not aiming this at your friend. I'm aiming it at the people saying crap like this:

Your friend needs to twirl her hair round her finger, laugh at any man's joke and laugh like a simpleton.

I mean, come on. What is that?

Your friend should not compromise who she is. She shouldn't change a thing. If a guy doesn't like her for her then that's tough luck for them. She absolutely should hold out for someone who will appreciate her for her. Not someone she gets by twirling her hair and pretending to be stupid.

Nothing is wrong being single if that's what you want. However people need to face the reality of the 'sexual market'. No one should lower their expectations but let's face it getting the type of man you want can be difficult if you don't fit what they want as well.

I often find even with the closest of friends they can surprise you with how they are when it comes to relationships. It sounds like your friend is an attractive partner in lots of different ways so is it what is happening when something is on the horizon maybe?