Why is my friend single?

[Puzzledd]

She is:

36
Attractive
Has an excellent job
Owns her own home
Very confident, friendly and chatty.
Interesting and has a lot to say

However she's only had one relationship since she was 21, it was for a few months and he ended it without giving her a reason.

She's very proactive on online dating, match.com events etc and I sometimes wonder if maybe she's a bit too much? I've never been in to that stuff so never seen her in action in that environment.

She's also incredibly generous and accommodating, to her own detriment actually.

She's been a bit down lately about being unattached and it remains a total mystery to my why she hasn't been snapped up.

She's big in to self improvement and is always up to something, she has a really busy social life.

Anyone similar or got any similar pals who might be able to shed a bit of light? I really want to help her but I'm stumped.

I was single for a long time in my twenties, with only a few flings, and might have looked terminally single- til I met my husband!

So, I think it's mostly luck, and also being lucky enough to meet someone in their mid-thirties/forties who genuinely wants to settle down. Since OLD, I think the market has got much worse, with many men (from what I can see with my friends) just hopping from one few week fling to another, and doing this into their early forties.

I have had single friends really be upset by the constant churn of meeting someone, getting on well/sleeping together, hanging out for a few weeks, being ghosted or called late at night by guys who really did initially seem interested. I don't think their standards were high enough, let alone too high!

I was always told I had too high standards and needed to be a bit more flexible, but I just hadn't met the right person. Also, I think people who meet people naturally through work or friends probably fare better than in OLD where it can work out for some, but there are so many tales of disaster and constant person-hopping.

I’m a serial Singleton and have been since my divorce 14 years ago. I’m currently very happily single and have been for 3 years. I have zero plans to find a partner.

A lot of my friends, in fact the vast majority, are in miserable marriages or relationships with men who treat them like shit or glorified housekeepers who also get thrown a fuck now and then. But better any relationship than being alone, right guys?

I’m funny, attractive, interesting and strong. I have loads of friends, a job I love and a fabulous family and children who are great humans. Every man I have ever had a relationship has claimed to enjoy my qualities and then seek to change me!

People often tell me “Oh, you’ll meet someone and it will be brilliant” and I smile and nod, but really I just think that I’m perfectly happy being single - it’s a bit annoying really, as if I’m half a person because I won’t put up with any old shit just to be seen as “normal”, an opinion I see is shared by many on this thread!

I actually don’t think it’s healthy to constantly be on dating sites? Or to define oneself as single/Singleton etc?

I’m also a bit wary of the whole “personal development” industry?

Don’t get me wrong meditation, yoga, therapy is all great if done privately?

But people who do too much can get intense and neurotic which isn’t really the most desirable quality in a partner?

I’ve used dating sites and was “successful” in that although I encountered some weirdos, I also met very attractive people and had some nice experiences and my ego boosted tremendously.

So it isn’t sour grapes on my part.

But I think like pp’s have said it’s a case of meeting a lot of avoidant people (I’d have included myself in there at the time?)

Being exposed to so many people in a short space of time is just too intense and not healthy?

the “dating game” concept is designed to bring out the worst emotions in people and treat them as commodities?

So you’re rejecting guy A, and guy B is doing the same thing to you because you had a great date but he’s met woman C he likes more...

And that’s ok because you’re on a hot date with guy D next weekend which will make you feel better.

And so on. It gets addictive but bears little resemblance to the pace of normal life? Too many highs and lows. Too much emphasis on “chemistry” which often is nothing to do with a solid practical relationship.

I stopped being on dating sites when I was overworked plus my part time studying took off.

I still met and meet eligible men.

I decided that if I was in social groups in which my relationship status or dating antics defined me (generally containing fairly intense/desperate men/women) I needed to find better quality social groups. And more hobbies.

Sex and the City or Friends are TV shows, not fucking reality. I don’t need to give overdramatic voyeurustic updates to my friends on how I had cocktails with Mr Player and I got a text from Mr Dutch and should I see The Tall One next Saturday?

Emotionally things are a lot better for me as I see dating as just a teeny part of my broader life.

Sorry when I said not waiting for Mr Perfect I didn’t mean you have to settle for someone beneath you. It’s just that some guys are just players, and some women are attracted to that type. You just have to watch First Dates to see how many women say, I like a player or a bad boy.

Not saying that’s true of anyone on this thread, at all but it may be a factor for some really nice women who don’t meet decent men.

There is definitely an issue that it is hard to meet guys. If you don’t meet them at work, where the hell are you supposed to find someone. Also, you get diminshing returns because as you get older, single men your age are looking for younger women, and also there are more likely to be the players, misfits and commitment phobes left.

But I still know some nice single men and the only way I would imagine you would come across them is through friends of friends.

Not sure how to address the commitment issue. I think men are a bit more relaxed about going out with someone who they don’t see as a long term prospect. So maybe if they’re not really keen fairly early in the relationship, it’s not worth pursuing?

A bit late to this and haven't RTFT. But some food for thought.....

I read a study years ago where the researchers got the same woman to go speed dating and tell all the men/dates that she was a florist. She came away from the session with four or five men interested in her.

The very same woman went on a second speed dating session and told all the dates that she was a corporate lawyer. Result: no interest whatsoever.

1. I someone like the OP's friend: good looking, affluent, well educated and successful, though can be difficult/ selfish. Though I don't think that's necessarily the reason as I know of a few difficult/selfish women with wonderful men.

However, her trouble is she is too picky. She wants a man who's tall, handsome, blond, affluent, well educated and clean and tidy around the house.

Good luck with that, then!

Reminds me a bit of the Little Britain sketch where Dave Walliams wants a woman of 5ft 4ins, with shoulder-length mousey brown hair and brown eyes called Janet Sims (can't remember the exact name he gave....lol)

I agree with the PP who said that the hot + single = crazy analogy is misogynistic.

The other thing I’d add is that the judgement of “attractive”/ “interesting and chatty with a lot to say” is SO subjective?

It varies between men and women? What women think is attractive in a woman isn’t necessarily attractive to men IYSWIM?

Sorry, meant to write "I know someone like the OP's friend...."
It's NOT me, by the way!

The last date I went on the man was nice enough but he kept complaining about his shoulder aching & about the price of his meal (£13) which put me off really

This is what I meant by giving people a chance and ignoring the BS.

May be he had a bad shoulder and was not having a good day. May be he wasn't enjoying his meal. Maybe he is just a d**khead. But you wouldn't know till you gave him a chance.
Everyone can come across as something they are not on first impressions. It is very tough if you cannot make a single mistake.

Dp when I first met him wore a really awful brown jumper. I didn't dismiss him because of his fashion sense. I accidently shrunk the thing

at Dp when I first met him wore a really awful brown jumper. I didn't dismiss him because of his fashion sense. I accidently shrunk the thing

Men I like might like me, might flirt a bit, chat a bit, but they do not ask me out. I dont know how to become a girlfriend

So why don’t you ask them out? In my experience it’s the quieter boys who sometimes turn out to be the most loyal. If a guy is very confident with women it suggests to me he’s had a lot of experience and perhaps doesn’t see you as an individual if he’s going to throw standard moves at you.

I think what’s standing out to me in this discussion is that all the blame for being single (for those who don’t want to be single) goes on the women. Maybe the pool of available men is just a bit pathetic? I would rather be single any day than lower my standards.

I’m aghast at the suggestion that educated women should learn to “date down”. It implies that having a DH is all that matters, not the actual companionship that comes with having a lot in common with another person. Why would I want someone in my home, eating at my table, sharing my bed, when I can’t have a good conversation with them? I may as well get a cat.

This is not to suggest that all men need to be educated, or people need to be on the same socioeconomic level etc. Different things work for different people, but to suggest that a woman give up the most basic requirement of companionship, which is a meeting of minds, is truly shocking and depressing. It devalues women entirely.

I agree, overlooking some things you don't necessarily like, nothing major of course, in the early stages doesn't mean you're lowering your standards or settling, just that you're giving someone a chance and getting to know them properly. Plus, no one is perfect and I would like to think I'd be afforded the same chance by a man. My first few encounters with my husband weren't exactly what I had in mind but I saw something in him that made me want to stick around and see past the bravado and bullshit and how glad I am that I did. He was just nervous. It's about empathy I think.

Id wager shes too picky and gives off masculine controlling vibes on dates.

Because 99% of men are trash?

She probably can’t find anyone who is good enough for her.

Not that her standards are too high but that the standard of men is shite and she doesn’t want to compromise her nice life.

Id wager shes too picky and gives off masculine controlling vibes on dates

Eh?

I think some women are just not attractive to men and I include myself in this.
I'm not hideous but I must not have that certain vibe that attracts men and that's not to do with looks I think some women give of a certain vibe that can have men running and attracted to them.
Maybe in the way they come across personality I'm not sure.
That's why some women have no problem jumping from one relationship to another and other women like myself are long term single.

I know a woman like this.

The reason she is "single" is that she has been having an on/off affair with a MM for about 10 years.

This is not public knowledge. She doesn't discuss it with anyone and pretends to the world she is single. In her head she is not single though because she is in love with this man. No one knows about it or gossips about it. If you knew her you'd think exactly what you say in your opening post OP - how could this lovely, great attractive woman be single for so long.

Answer is, she's not actually emotionally available and is secretly involved with a man whose wife has no idea of what a shit he is to his wife or the destruction he has wrought in this OWs life.

@Voci what is the “primary dating market”

Ok, I just didn't fancy the achy shoulder meal price complaining guy....

User1490 I worry that is the case for me, maybe there's something that puts men off & everyone is too polite to tell me!!

Actually I think my problem is that I'm so worried I'll seem desperate that I play it too cool & don't seem interested enough.

Also in my area there is lots of competition- attractive women who are much younger without the health problems I have.

I didn't fancy dp when I first went out with him. 6 weeks and 1 jumper down and he grew on me.

I think when your older, men do need to grow on you. Im late 40s so how likely is it that you're going to be physically attracted to bald, overweight men in their early 50s on first sight? And yet, they all want to do better than a woman only a bit younger 🤔

Tierraj, i do that too. Even if i like a man, i was raised with an unsaid narrative that there was nothing more shameful than being attracted to somebody, so i show no sign, no small clue that im physically attracted to a man. No laughing at average jokes. No hair tossing. No neck tilting. No touching his arm! As IF!!

She may have some bizzare combination of attributes she is seeking. Someone I know, single mum , in her 40's , mainly on benefits with a bit of part time was seeking, successful, fun, solvent, 6ft plus, hipster looking and working in a fun industry. As you can imagine, there's not many who fit that, and those that did were not interested in being dad to a teenage lad and basically there to provide a fun exciting social life and cash, which was what she was ideally looking for.

Yetmorecrap i think though that men are far more willing to compromise on money and career in a relationship than women are particularly if shes a single mum and many enjoy being the provider. I think its more whether he wants children, age and looks.

I agree footner . A lot of it is looks/presentation - I know childfree twenty somethings who struggle because they’re a little bit overweight, or dress in a way that is bit outside the mainstream?

A lot of men will make excuses for anything if they find a woman sexually and physically attractive.

I don’t mean anyone should change the way they dress but as an observation I think men do respond better to a more fitted/classic styles and less to vintage/high fashion stuff?