Why is my friend single?

[Puzzledd]

She is:

36
Attractive
Has an excellent job
Owns her own home
Very confident, friendly and chatty.
Interesting and has a lot to say

However she's only had one relationship since she was 21, it was for a few months and he ended it without giving her a reason.

She's very proactive on online dating, match.com events etc and I sometimes wonder if maybe she's a bit too much? I've never been in to that stuff so never seen her in action in that environment.

She's also incredibly generous and accommodating, to her own detriment actually.

She's been a bit down lately about being unattached and it remains a total mystery to my why she hasn't been snapped up.

She's big in to self improvement and is always up to something, she has a really busy social life.

Anyone similar or got any similar pals who might be able to shed a bit of light? I really want to help her but I'm stumped.

All this discussion!! As somebody who has done OLD for 3 years (taking a break now) any half decent man has 5 times as many women to pick from. It gets worse tje older you get. Men online dont want relationships anyway.

It is the same boring old script we hear advised to us a solutions. Love yourself! Volunteer. Join a club. Focus on your kids.

I like an anaesthetist at work.

I must remember to twirl my hair round my fingers & laugh at all his jokes so he'll fall at my feet.

Also have learned from this thread that I must be grateful to date any man now I'm 41 and continue to date a man I don't fancy until I grow to like him in 6 months time!

Or maybe I'll copy my 43 year old colleague- she converted to Islam & got herself married off to a hot younger (Muslim) man.
Actually she's just had her 2nd baby by him & they're very happy!

But I can't fake an interest in religion.

The poster who made the twirl your hair comment was being ironic. She was one of the few who gets it I think!!

I'm 48 so I'll have to date a man a decade older thank I am, I'd really like if he could be at least 20lbs overweight cos one of us has to be, and I have teeth so that's enough teeth for the pair of his, ditto hair. If he could a gravy stain from Christmas 2016 on his machine knitted jumper that'd be good. Need to avoid being labelled fussy!

Fucking hell the misogyny on this thread from both men and women is outstanding.

As someone who was single for many years following a divorce I can categorically state that it was definitely "them" and not "me".

And the attitude of some of my (mostly married) female friends was one hell of an eye opener as well. In fact I'm sure some of them are on this thread.

Fucking hell the misogyny on this thread from both men and women is outstanding.

Sums it up perfectly.

AuditQueen, thank you for that comment

I would never say anything hurtful to married friends but one told me that if anything happened to her husband, she'd get married again. I just nodded. She is 47 and she is great fun and I love her but she has four children and I honestly marvel at her belief that that is a certainty she could choose. And then I wonder what she might think I'm doing 'wrong'! Oh well.

You have no idea what she's like in a relationship. She could be a complete arse.

Being 39 I guess I need to settle with a bald decades older man-except if that's all there is I'd rather stay single thanks.

I was trying to bring a positive message. There’s nothing wrong with her; the odds are just against her (by no means impossible btw). It’s not her fault, it’s just more difficult for highly educated women with a certain age.

Being single is fine and fun, but the reality is that not everyone’s a happy single like a lot of people on this thread are. For many people a new partner has a considerable positive influence on their physical and mental wellbeing (not to mention finance). The process of repartnering is just a bit unfair. As said before, for men: highly educated men find a new partner more quickly than the low educated variety. Most of the time a younger/lower educated/less earning one. That has serious implications if highly educated women refuse to down date, especially for themselves.

You will see, or can already see in some areas. It will probably change the single parents’ landscape. Traditionally an area reserved for economically disadvantaged women and men. There will be a new group: the group of the highly educated single women. This group will have less economical problems or poverty. Problems will manifest themselves in other areas; health problems most likely. They’ll need extra support to counter loneliness and resulting psychological problems. Either that or women should consider a low educated man as a viable life partner.

Another thing i would add is that as i got older i was more sure of what i wanted so i was a lot more closed off to people i didnt think were suitable. I had a couple of dates with someone who was lovely but had a very demanding job which meant he didnt get much free time or holidays. I looked straight to the future and thought that wouldnt suit me and what i want so ended it very early on. There could be something like that going on.

I would never say anything hurtful to married friends but one told me that if anything happened to her husband, she'd get married again. I just nodded. She is 47 and she is great fun and I love her but she has four children and I honestly marvel at her belief that that is a certainty she could choose

You sound like my single friends who think that if you have dc are the wrong side of 40 and are overweight you cannot get another man. Whilst in reality friend who is all of those things was fighting guys off. Plumber and Carpet fitter who came round to sort her new house out after her divorce asked her out.
Eventually married a guy a few years younger who had sole custody of his 5 dc. Only problem was trying to find a house for 9dc.

Even dmil at 95 has a regular bf.

He is the 3rd ltr she has had since she became widowed. Sadly she outlived the other 2.

I am sure your friend would find someone. Why wouldn't she.

I think all this "women's dating pool narrows mens gets wider" is a load of arse. I know a couple of single and well off 40 something men and they find it just as hard to meet women they click with. Because that's all it it's really-getting on with someone.

And I don't know about all this "highly educated" "low educated" stuff because in the world I live in I know some thick as pigshit people with degrees and some extremely clever people without..or is the level of education thing code for how money they earn?
Of course a getting a man isn't always the greatest prize a woman can aim for, but if she wants one it's actually quite easy.

Women are crippled by lack of self confidence (and bring told their age/kids/education is turning the men off ain't helping).
Not all men like vacuous airheads and not all women over 35 have to go out with men less attractive than they are.
I dated a lot in my 30s and settled with a kind and funny man my own age (well, 2 years younger) who had a good job and a fit body Why wouldn't he want to be with me? I'm ok looking, interesting, fun and have a bum you can rest a pint on. I think men are quite easily pleased tbh!
There's probably nothing at all wrong with your friend OP, she probably just thinks there is.

X posted with oliversmums basically saying the same thing. Loving the 95 year old MIL

OP I was your friend. That description fits me 5 or 6 years ago except that I had had one 5 year LTR in my late 20s. I was very unhappy being single and I don’t think that is something that we should be ashamed to admit.

I met someone when I was 37 and we have been married since 2014, our son is nearly 2. DH is 4 years my junior and we both have the same level of education and similar professional jobs. I am his first wife and he has no children from previous relationships. I was fucking lucky.

If your friend is anything like me she will probably feel a sense that it is up to her to put herself out there and use all the tools available to locate that elusive partner- speed dating, OLD, singles weekends. If you are professionally capable and successful you tend to use the same skills/strategies in your personal life and it can be soul destroying when they bear no fruit as you feel it is your own fault for failing at relationships. After years and years of OLD (including a try at settling for Mr Good Enough, who I then ended up hurting very badly as I realised I just didn’t fancy him) I had a bit of a revelation that unfortunately I was never going to fancy the type of man who did OLD.

I can’t really give a formula for why it worked out for me, but it was partly because I was transferred away from the U.K. for work to a country where there wasn’t much in the way of OLD etc but there was a thriving expat social scene and I was part of that just making friends with couples and other women. DH was a fellow expat who was friends with one of my new friends and we met at a group social event and just hit it off. Perhaps I was more relaxed because it wasn’t a dating context? That said, I’d be lying if I said that I put finding a partner totally out of my mind during that period. But perhaps the overall big move had shaken me out of my rut more subtly, I don’t know. As for DH I have no idea why he was still single, he was basically quite laid back and was only a mere lad of 32 .

So perhaps your friend needs to look at shaking things up a bit in life generally to see where the pieces land? That said, one of my dearest friends when I lived abroad was a great single woman who had done exactly the same as me and never had any luck meeting anyone. It’s total luck really.

Your friend might find this book helpful. It’s a study of why men don’t ask women on second or third dates and contains some surprising findings about how we might unconsciously come across. I found it helped me change my behaviour a little bit and it was an entertaining read if nothing else.

All the very best to your friend OP.

I think, not to be taken the wrong way as I am not having a go at anyone, but when you have been long term married/living with someone, had kids etc and you find yourself single there are a lot more people to choose from after who have bee through the same. I think the dating pool for long term singletons does get narrowed down as a guy who is coming out of a 20 year relationship through divorce or widowed is more likely to choose someone with kids who has also been widowed/divorced and come out of a long term relationship. They have shared experiences.

I was very much like your friend. When all my friends were dropping in and out of relationships from teenage onwards I just didn't seem to be someone that boys/men I met wanted to go out with. I, and some of my best friends, could never understand why when objectively I was thinner, smarter, funnier etc (ie everything we're told men want) than lots of my peers and OK looking. Over the years I had lots of people take an 'interest' in why I was always single (friends, family, colleagues and at one point my manager who took me to one side to ask if I was lonely and depressed- I wasn't until that point!). I had lots of 'advice' which seemed to mainly be around making myself look mare available, making men feel more special, not expecting too much of a man (so he doesn't show up for a date- you should give him another chance if you don't want to be single), having one night stands to make sure other men knew I was up for it (!), keeping my opinions to myself, dating men I didn't fancy in case they grew on me if I have them a chance etc etc.

I did actually take this advice at one point and ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship with a man I did not really even fancy but who seemed like the best I would get. Once I was out of that, being single for ever didn't seem so bad.

I did on the end meet someone who is in to me for who I am but it took a while and happened completely unexpectedly.

I suspect that in my case part of my issue was self confidence (years later several male friends told me that they liked me but thought I was out of their league/not interested so they made a play for girls they knew were interested). I suppose my point is that whatever the reason for your friend being single, if she tries to change herself or what she is looking for to please a man and avoid being single she may end up unhappy.

I have two friends like this. One, I'm convinced, has secretly been in love with another mutual friend for going on two decades and I suspect is fundamentally unwilling to settle for someone who's not that guy.

The other one is a complete mystery to me.

I'm probably THAT friend, too. In my case, I admit that it's impossibly high standards - but I'm divorced and happy by myself and don't really see the need to waste my time on someone I'm just not that into simply in order to be in a relationship.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/327782.Why_Men_Marry_Some_Women_and_Not_Others

I read this book many years ago. It was quite an interesting read!

On the other hand, there's more to life than being married. My single friends have better careers and more exciting holidays than I do, quite honestly.

Ah yes kokeshi "What it Really takes to Catch a Husband! " By A. Mann
Sounds fab

Well---let's put it this way: the guy uses data and interviews to ascertain what factors make women more or less likely to marry. He reports his findings.

My own take is, it's fine not to aspire to marriage, but if you do want to get married then it might not be a bad idea to take a look at things that will make this more/less likely. (shrug)

I was thinking about this recently due to a friend who is single and doesn't want to be. I realised that almost every single couple I know met at school or university, a small minority met at work. I imagine a lot of the problem is opportunity to meet new people, at school and university and when you first start a job you are constantly meeting new people usually the same sort of age as you etc. That tails off after that I guess.

I agre Osopolar. And of course when you are younger more people are single and available. You’d think that having OLD which is basically a directory of single and available people would overcome that but I think that the fact that you then have to meet up in an express “dating” context instead of just as part and parcel of doing something else like work or study makes everything too awkward and pressured.
I’d urge all attached people to make big efforts to arrange parties and things where their single friends can be set up with other singles (without their knowledge).

OP

As a suggestion, why not put this post onto "Pistonheads" and see what type of answers you get?

You're asking a question about why men aren't attracted to your friend to a forum mostly used by women.

Apart from anything else - wouldn't it be interesting to see what different answers come back when the respondants are mostly male?

I'm 38 and only ever been in one relationship. Even that one was dysfunctional and I wasn't loved. In my case it comes down to childhood stuff. I have attachment issues and don't feel Im loveable. I must send out vibes to this affect because I've never come close really to being in a truly loving relationship.

2boysDad it’s a valid point but I wonder, are men as ready as women are to post on forums about relationship matters though? I get the sense that women like chatting about this sort of stuff but blokes don’t really enjoy it, unless they are ones with a huge agenda stemming from how a woman has treated them badly in the past.