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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotional affair?

203 replies

Pelagia21 · 06/12/2017 20:19

I think my husband is having an emotional affair with a work colleague. I found texts on his phone - I only looked as I had a gut feeling of late that something was going on - only to be confirmed. The texts were not overtly sexual but lits of compliments kisses and emojis. She went on night out and he asked for pics and she sent a few and one im particular a high leg kick close up thigh. He replied with various adjectives "you are beautiful..." And so on.
I told him id found texts and he apologised and said nothing had happened just got close lately.(they are going through a difficult work situation together which has brought them closer). I am aware of this and we discussed this - he says no more texts. Im so upset. I cant fully trust him. They still spend most of day together including time alone. She gives him a lift part way home. His response now is "ive said sorry and thought you said we'd leave it". I want to ask more questions but its just been ending in rows and cos he is very stressed with job i feel guilty and think id better leave it. There have been other signals over last few months and i had suspicions but i do think it has only escalated very recently. He actually said probably good you found out now etc. But what is niggling awY is i dont think its over - they must still like each other and are still going to be together at work. I have said we will have to see over next few weeks. To be honest i cant think straight. We have a big family and i am very busy and running round. One part of me wants to end it all as ive had enough.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/12/2017 20:25

He is being completely disrespectful and will comtinue to have an affair right under your nose if you let him

Why the hell do you feel guilty ? He is the one thst should be grovelling for your forgiveness.

I suggest you thrpw him the fuck out and give him some consequences for his actions

"Only" kisses and emojis ? I would divorce my husband if he did this.

Doublemint · 06/12/2017 20:30

What @AnyFucker said.

MrsMozart · 06/12/2017 20:37

Bloody hell. On what planet does he think any of that is acceptable.

AnyFucker · 06/12/2017 20:39

Well, if op accepts it then it is acceptable

PinkTeletubby101 · 06/12/2017 20:40

Oh my darling reading your story brings it all back. Your story is very similar to mine. My DH did this to me and it turned into him saying nothing was going on, to him then leaving saying he didn’t love me and nothing to do with her, he then told me he had fallen in love with her, then eventually come back to me and the kids and got a new job. You can be stronger than this though, tell him to leave before it goes to far

Original poster

Pelagia21 · 06/12/2017 20:42

He says he loves me and sorry but that's about it. He doesn't really want to talk about it whereas i now have more questions and he won't respond. He isn't really convincing me about what has gone on - the things / texts that i dont know about and how he really feels about it now. No more texts is one thing but not everything. This just makes me more suspicious. What a mess and i just cant stop crying on and off and can't sleep or eat properly. Forgot to say she is a lot younger - makes me feel even worse!

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 06/12/2017 20:48

Anyfucker has the point.

I love my DH very much. Would be devastated is he did anything like that. But I'd be even more devastated if I accepted it.

Obviously that's me and you're you OP. You have to find the right way to handle it for you.

Original poster

Pelagia21 · 06/12/2017 22:25

They have bought each other little gifts such and wine or chocs and he says they are thank yous for work support and he is always talking about her. She tells him about rows with her husband. I know that these are all indicators for an emotional affair although he is in denial. Says they're just friends. Recently he put a password on his phone but tells me it has nothing to do with texts between them and he should have done it sooner. My fear is do i believe him that nothing physical happened - he says a recent hug when he was upset and the odd kiss on cheek for bdays and the like. I am being a fool? I am not convinced its ovet and im not sure how to proceed. His assurance it was a mistake and won't happen again dies not convince me.

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 06/12/2017 22:31

A trip out somewhere, just the two of you on neutral ground, and a conversation.

I know he doesn't want to talk, but what you want is of equal importance and this has to reach a point where you can both decide how you want to, and are able to, move forward.

SandyY2K · 06/12/2017 23:22

He might be right thst nothing physical has happened.... but I'm sure her husband woudnt be thrilled either.

He may not recognise this add an emotional affair and just thunk it's flirty banter.... it is an emotional affair... but his attitude by locking his phone doesn't bode well...after the discovery be should be totally transparent.

He could do with reading this.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
S/He must feel your pain.
S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 06/12/2017 23:23

He doesn't want to talk because he doesn't want to take responsibility for it.

I doubt it's an emotional affair. Sounds like it's gone further than that.

If you can't talk to him about it and have a proper discussion then you have nothing to save anyway. He should be bending over backwards to prove to you, and he's not.

ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon · 06/12/2017 23:48

My ex did this.

I found the texts and flirts early into the 'emotional affair' and he apologised and said it wouldn't happen again. But it developed into a full blown 6 month bloody affair under my nose. He left me for her at one point.

It was awful as I suspected it was happening but he just got better at lying and hiding things.

You need to nip this in the bud, now. Make sure he knows the repercussions of going down that road.

Personally I would let her husband know what is going on. Don't give them anywhere to hide. Blow it all out of the water and let them both deal with the consequences.

Might take the fun out of it when their colleagues are gossiping about them and her husband is demanding answers.

CoyoteCafe · 07/12/2017 02:28

Brings back memories.

With hindsight, I wish I’d kicked my husband out sooner. We eventually reconciled (sandy’s List is good) but he didn’t wake up and pull his head out of his arse until I kicked him out.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Original poster

Pelagia21 · 07/12/2017 10:19

Tried to discuss it again but as usual he got defensive and i tried to stay calm. I said lucky i havent thrown you out - he went mad! He said i had no right to do that and then suddenly make a reference to the car which really hurt me. He said ..."I let you use my car and i pay for the petrol .." i was taken aback and said i thought it was jointly our car. He persisted and said "its in my name but i share it with you." He reminded me that it wad bought with money left by one of his relatives. This is typical of him but this time had really got me. I cant argue wirh him - he always had a comeback or gets so angry i have to back off. I have recently told him he is sometimes controlling and of course he disagreed. I think his attitude over car is controlling. And all this after carry on with other woman! He hardly seems sorry at all. For a few hours the other day he seemed sorry and thanked me for being gracious and not telling her husband etc. When i tried to discuss it he started f...ng and saying "ive said sorry thought we're going to leave it"

OP posts:

CoyoteCafe · 07/12/2017 10:43

One of the things he doesn’t understand is that you can end your marriage any time you like, for any reason you like. He totally takes it for granted that he can do anything he wants, and you will be waiting for him.

Why haven’t you told the OW’s husband?

Original poster

Pelagia21 · 07/12/2017 10:49

Cant cope with thought of hurting him and hope he never finds out. Thought just focus on my marriage - maybe im wrong ... Not easy as i cant speak to anyone about it hence in here. They are younger couple with baby.

OP posts:

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 07/12/2017 10:50

Could you speak to her? Point out how inappropriate it is and ask if she’d be happy for you to tell her husband?

Animation86 · 07/12/2017 10:54

But I'd want to know, if I were him?

MrsMozart · 07/12/2017 10:57

Remind yourself why you're with him, and list the missing things like 'happiness' 'lightness of spirit' 'comfort'...

Anxiety100 · 07/12/2017 11:16

I have literally just had this situation with my boyfriend who I live with. Yesterday I told him I knew that he was messaging his work colleague (Who is also an ex btw) way too much (evening and weekends) and that I would not tolerate it anymore. I left and went to a friends to make it clear how serious I was. He grovelled and cried and even blocked this colleague on every app and has a meeting with HR today to ask how to deal with working with her. He said if his work doesn't sort it then he will leave because he values our relationship more than a shitty job. I will hold him too this. He has pulled out all the stops. If this guy doesn't do that for you then he is not worth it. It doesn't sound like he is taking this seriously enough and I think you need to tell him that.
If you carry on being the 'cool girlfriend' then he'll just keep taking advantage of it.

Original poster

Pelagia21 · 07/12/2017 11:31

All of you are right in what you say and i need to hear it. His job is quite high profile in local community and they will both be working together for the for seeable future. Im inclined to believe its over at the moment but not fully convinced about the future if you see what i mean. Besides what he's done already is enough! And yes he doesn't want to face it but just turns it on me saying i shouldn't have spied on him! We have been together a very long time 20+ yrs and ive put up with his moods and tempers but now at this stage in my life ive truly had enough. Anxiety 100 im glad your bf has taken such steps and reassured you.

OP posts:

PaintingByNumbers · 07/12/2017 11:43

At this stage I probably would tell her partner in the hopes of stopping it
Your dh sounds very sure of himself right now - needs a wake up call
My dh had a long affair at work, I didn't challenge it or tell the womans partner, but at this stage I would have done. Not too late yet iykwim?
Or you could always open up the marriage. I did that instead. Really pisses my husband off apparently. Shrug.

MrsMozart · 07/12/2017 11:46

Life really is too short lass. Get yourself happy and content. As Anxiety says, if he's not willing to sort this out then he's not worth you.

Original poster

Pelagia21 · 07/12/2017 11:56

And what dya all think about what he said about car?

OP posts:

PaintingByNumbers · 07/12/2017 11:58

I think he is starting to think of himself separate from the family and protecting his assets. He needs a swift wake up call. Protect yourself. Does he have separate assets/savings?

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