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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

203 replies

Pelagia21 · 06/12/2017 20:19

I think my husband is having an emotional affair with a work colleague. I found texts on his phone - I only looked as I had a gut feeling of late that something was going on - only to be confirmed. The texts were not overtly sexual but lits of compliments kisses and emojis. She went on night out and he asked for pics and she sent a few and one im particular a high leg kick close up thigh. He replied with various adjectives "you are beautiful..." And so on.
I told him id found texts and he apologised and said nothing had happened just got close lately.(they are going through a difficult work situation together which has brought them closer). I am aware of this and we discussed this - he says no more texts. Im so upset. I cant fully trust him. They still spend most of day together including time alone. She gives him a lift part way home. His response now is "ive said sorry and thought you said we'd leave it". I want to ask more questions but its just been ending in rows and cos he is very stressed with job i feel guilty and think id better leave it. There have been other signals over last few months and i had suspicions but i do think it has only escalated very recently. He actually said probably good you found out now etc. But what is niggling awY is i dont think its over - they must still like each other and are still going to be together at work. I have said we will have to see over next few weeks. To be honest i cant think straight. We have a big family and i am very busy and running round. One part of me wants to end it all as ive had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pelagia21 · 13/12/2017 22:05

Thank you for your message and yes im planning to do this after christmas

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 13/12/2017 22:55

I for one know exactly how you feel, I found 11 years after the 'infatuation' a whole drawer of poems/songs , all recorded too onto CD with him playing and singing, Nice!!! It feels like it was last week, found it all 12 months ago. I haven't left but it does feel like a totally crap betrayal and yes he minimised too and just said it was a one sided crush and he went a bit far

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 13/12/2017 23:37

I am thinking about space yes and thank you for your advice.When i said he's lucky i haven't thrown him out he went mad and then followed with the car comments (mentioned in a previous post). He is so difficult to argue with and he always seems to win! I am thinking of leaving him. He has been mean to me for years and i'm too soft. But recently I have found courage to tell him he is controlling towards me. Now it is affecting my health - hardly sleeping, not eating well, quick to tears and feel utterly depressed.. never mind high BP and increased heart rate when he speaks to me! He says its all over and he will go for counselling but I can't fully trust him.... like i said in a row he will angrily say sarcastic things and change what he previously said. He messes about with my emotions. One part of me thinks he is sorry and that he is worried about losing me .. although he has hardly said sorry, another part of me thinks he doesn't care as today he text me saying "Think our situation has gone too far!" !!!

OP posts:
Clitoria · 13/12/2017 23:55

Arguing means there is some doubt over who is right, which doesn’t apply in this case, so don’t bother. He treats you with utter contempt and is a failure of a husband. He can shove his wee car up his hole, who cares what he says or does next, this is your one life, ticking away every second you waste on him. Disengage and get the divorce rolling. Even if he hasn’t shagged another woman/women yet, his treatment of you is disgusting.

Cambionome · 14/12/2017 07:13

His talking about allowing you to use "his" car and doling out money to you as if you are a child is just awful and totally unacceptable in a marriage, as I'm sure you know op. The car and all income are marital assets op, and you are just as much entitled to them as him. If I were you, I'd go and see a good solicitor and get an idea as to how much you would be entitled to if you divorced - it would be at least 50% of everything - not just the bit that he decides to dole out to you.

Good luck.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/12/2017 21:47

He i being horrible to me. He has just sworn and shiyt ed saying stop talking about it! Earluer he had been speaking with me about it im a calmer manner and noe he had snapped. I only asked a question. I found out they went shopping today to do with work and had a coffee in cafe. I had to dig to get this info ... At first he saud she went alone but then admitted he went with her but he didnt want to upset me. He says this is what theyve always done and its just gone back to normal He keeps saying its over its a silly mistake and the like. Always the same... Tells me to stop going on about it and im frustrating him... He often says this. I cry and say please leave me alone.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 14/12/2017 22:00

Get to see a solicitor as soon as you can. Disengage as much as possible, you know you are leaving after Christmas so focus on that. You are never going to get the truth from him he will continue to hide things from you. Time to go "gray rock" and plan you exit. Ask nothing else about her, neither of them matters any more.
Can l ask why you are waiting till after Christmas?

Will you leave? where will you go?

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/12/2017 22:06

Thanks for your advice. I have to wait till after christmas as lots of others in house and arrangements and im just going to have to stick it out but it is so difficult. He asked before how long is it going to take you to get over it? Years? And i said i dont know. Do you really think he is over her?

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 14/12/2017 22:09

Nope, I think he just wants you to accept he is/is going to have an affair with her. Sorry op :( :(

HelenUrth · 14/12/2017 22:26

Whether he was over her or not, if he really cared about you he should be trying to reassure you - not argue with you.
Even if he thought you were over-reacting, given his behaviour and lies, he should be doing his utmost to make things right.
The fact that he is not, but instead is trying to shut you down by shouting at you until you cry, speaks volumes.
I feel so sad for you and hope you have someone to support you through the Christmas period.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/12/2017 22:52

(apologies for typos - just noticed)
You have explained it really well Helen and this is what I think. I have tried to say it to him but he just doesn't get it or rather chooses not too.

OP posts:
Layla8 · 14/12/2017 22:58

He doesn’t love you. Leave him.

MilesHuntsWig · 15/12/2017 04:20

He is incredibly selfish and you deserve better. He’ll soon find out how much of “his” money/car is yours when you leave him...

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 15/12/2017 13:16

He's gaslighting you and absolutely still carrying on with her, he's just hiding it better. When you have a plan ready to end it and feel like you're taking control you'll feel a lot better. Find your anger. Fuck him! He doesn't deserve you! They deserve each other and chlamydia

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 16/12/2017 12:08

Can you advise on this.... He says it's over whatever it is? He definitely has some kind of infatuation with her and i dont believe over. He was listening to love songs late last night on headphones - i dont like doing so but looked at history in ipad. I feel awful doing this. Also over recent weeks I know he bought her same chocs as me on at least two occasions and he has admitted it.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 16/12/2017 12:22

Please stop torturing yourself, l don't think you are ever going to find out the truth and perhaps you are right in that it is still going on in some form or another.
Start disengaging, you know you are going to leave, you know you are making plans, you know he will never admit what is going on.
So as l said withdraw, keep your emotions in check and gather all the financial information you need for the solicitor and get planning.
The fucker will not know what's hit him and his pocket after Christmas.
Flowers

MilesHuntsWig · 16/12/2017 14:19

Seriously, this is not the way someone who wants to be in a relationship with you behaves. Stop digging over minutiae and start getting ready to leave him. I’m sorry this is happening to you, but you really need to stop beating yourself up and get angry with him.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 16/12/2017 16:57

Thanks and your words are true and that's what im like. I want to be tougher. But when i get angry he gets angry and i get scared and so it goes on. Sometimes he listens and responds but no consistency

OP posts:
MilesHuntsWig · 16/12/2017 19:21

You shouldn’t be scared of your partner. I’m sorry if I sounded tough. Please try to focus on being kind to you which sounds like it needs to be getting away from someone who doesn’t appreciate you.

Greedynan · 16/12/2017 21:15

He buys her choc and goes for coffee with her. After everything that's happened. He's taking the piss you hen he tells you it's over. Whatever 'it' is. It sounds like he has feelings for her. He should completely cut off for the sake of his relationship with you but he's doing the opposite and treating you with little respect in the meantime.

MrsMozart · 17/12/2017 08:43

Everyone else has written wise words lass. Do you really want to feel like this for the rest of your life?

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 18/12/2017 19:03

Can i ask any sahms how do you manage money with your partner? Do you call it his money if he earns it? Or "our money"? Do you just spend what you want? How do you feel about money and the fact that you dont contribute financially? And what happens if you go overdrawn?! Rows about money?

OP posts:
MrsMozart · 18/12/2017 19:13

Joint account - effectively he put it in and I took it out.

It was always 'our' money. We'd budget for big things. If we went overdrawn it would've been me doing it, but I'd have a plan to fix it, which I'd explain and update him on.

Over the years there's been variations on a theme, but the gist has always been the same, ie it's our money. I worked bloody hard at home with children and house.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 19/12/2017 20:16

I keep crying and when he notices (if he does at all) he says what are you crying now for? He asks how many years is it going to go on for? When i remind him why im upset he concedes and says yes i know / feel awful etc but on the whole he just doesn't seem to get it. It seems to be his way of dealing with it all. The way he had responded to all this has been somewhat of an eye opener.

OP posts:
rainbowduck · 28/12/2017 09:06

How are you now, OP?

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