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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

203 replies

Pelagia21 · 06/12/2017 20:19

I think my husband is having an emotional affair with a work colleague. I found texts on his phone - I only looked as I had a gut feeling of late that something was going on - only to be confirmed. The texts were not overtly sexual but lits of compliments kisses and emojis. She went on night out and he asked for pics and she sent a few and one im particular a high leg kick close up thigh. He replied with various adjectives "you are beautiful..." And so on.
I told him id found texts and he apologised and said nothing had happened just got close lately.(they are going through a difficult work situation together which has brought them closer). I am aware of this and we discussed this - he says no more texts. Im so upset. I cant fully trust him. They still spend most of day together including time alone. She gives him a lift part way home. His response now is "ive said sorry and thought you said we'd leave it". I want to ask more questions but its just been ending in rows and cos he is very stressed with job i feel guilty and think id better leave it. There have been other signals over last few months and i had suspicions but i do think it has only escalated very recently. He actually said probably good you found out now etc. But what is niggling awY is i dont think its over - they must still like each other and are still going to be together at work. I have said we will have to see over next few weeks. To be honest i cant think straight. We have a big family and i am very busy and running round. One part of me wants to end it all as ive had enough.

OP posts:
JaneEyre70 · 07/12/2017 20:08

That would be an instant deal breaker for me OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Aminuts23 · 07/12/2017 21:41

My ex did this with a work colleague. I worked hard to forgive. She left the job which made things slightly easier. About 4 years later there she was again messaging him / each other, he’d ‘bumped into her one day.’ Absolute bollocks. Binned his sorry backside for this and lots of other things. You deserve better OP

CoyoteCafe · 07/12/2017 22:52

I think if you wanted your marriage to work, telling the OW’s husband about the affair would make sense. Some one else would be keeping an eye on them, and your husband might respond well to a “stay away from my wife chat” from another man.

If you want out, I wouldn’t make waves yet. Get organized, get legal advice, and end it on your terms. Protecting your financial and legal situation is more important than anything else. You can always tell him later, once you’ve made self save and strong.

andylovesme · 08/12/2017 00:09

I can understand the difficulty and stress an (emotional) affair of a partner can cause.

Perhaps you could suggest him to change jobs or you can proactively go with him to his work place and show up from time to time. By seeing you in person the person he has emotional affair might change her attitude and go away from your DH.

BlackEyedKid · 08/12/2017 00:16

Tell her husband. Then tell him to piss off and her that she’s welcome to him.

Lefty1 · 08/12/2017 02:08

I have a difficult job with plenty of stressful situations , I don't get comfort from a male work colleague, I talk to my partner about it. He is in a totally different line of work and always makes me feel better. He shouldn't be turning to this other woman for emotional support it is an emotional affair.

The fact that he has now password protected his phone doesn't sound good either. I agree with @anyfucker. LTB

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 08/12/2017 06:56

I wonder why he's so scared of her husband finding out?

Am I correct that he "thanked" you for not telling him?!
That to me speaks volumes op- so sorry you're going through this Flowers

ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon · 08/12/2017 08:11

The password on the phone is a HUGE red flag.

He is hiding things from you because he knows those things are wrong and will upset you.

Greedynan · 08/12/2017 20:54

Yep thanking youfor not saying anything to her husband. That's the part that got me. There is no aspect within this that he appears to be considering your feelings. Selfish.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 09/12/2017 18:40

Im trying to avoid discussing it but not always easy. His mood is up and down. This morning he was very angry saying things like "you're never going to forgive me are you... this will go on for years... you are not very good at forgiving... you're always reminding me of stuff from 20 years ago....you've got power over me now!"
honestly I just can't have a discussion or argue with him. He always has an answer and is sarcastic or patronising. When he has calmed down or I ask why did he say such and such he will say "I was angry or cos of something you said." He says some awful things to me. discussing money again and he reminded me how it was my choice not to have a bank card. I'm sticking to this to lessen him telling me off for going overdrawn (never that bad) but I was sick of money rows so I prefer just to use cash he gives me even though it causes me problems. He has bad cold so I said I could draw out cash if he gave me his card. He said no not doing that .. not telling you my number ...it's illegal! I honestly cannot believe I'm writing this .. he just seems to be getting worse. I definitely want to leave him. As far as I know most couples would use each other's bank cards or security numbers surely?

OP posts:
CoyoteCafe · 09/12/2017 20:09

Yeah, my dh is no angel, but I have my own bank card and I know the password for his. He always emphasizes that it is “our” money.

Do you think your husband could be trying to get you to leave, so that the marriage is over but somehow he isn’t the bad guy for leaving? Then he could act like a victim to others.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 09/12/2017 20:39

Im beginning to think that yes... i'm just so upset. He's definitely making me feel like the bad guy.

OP posts:
Amatree · 09/12/2017 20:44

He's not remotely sorry and he's trying to make this your fault. You're spot on when you said he's 'cross sorry'. He's cross that he's having to stoop to apologising to you - he might manage one or two insincere apologies but will then just be angry that he had to.

This isn't sorry, he doesn't love or respect you and he thinks he's above you. That's no basis for a relationship and you deserve better. If you stay he will do this again, no question.

CoyoteCafe · 09/12/2017 20:51

Get your ducks in a row, and end it on your own terms. By putting you in the drivers seat, he’s given you a lot of power to make things go down the way you want to.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 09/12/2017 20:55

you are right Amatree - this "cross sorry" is really a crucial sign to me and tells me a lot and it's getting to me so much. I spoke to a friend today who echoed everything all of you have said on here. I need to be a strong woman like some "mumsnetters" clearly are!

OP posts:
Amatree · 09/12/2017 21:22

It's easy to say be strong when it's not us in the situation. It's another thing doing it for real but you can, you really can!

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 13/12/2017 19:42

Still so upset. Any attempts to discuss it end in row. He just keeps saying only a few texts and he is sorry. Yesterday he said i musn't inflate it / need to get it in perspective! He hasn't answered all my questions and just thinks its time to move on ..he tells me its all over. He has admitted that he finds her attractive but nothing happened and no more texts and he is working on it and it is lessening! Im just not sure what to believe. I feel the bad guy and he says im mean for mentioning it - yes sometimes im sarcastic or very emotional. I cant stop crying! I also found part of a poem he wrote about her but i havent told him that. It hurts so much for husband to be telling other woman she's beautiful , lovely eyes and more! I keep telling him i need time to deal with it and he said how long! I feel so down and great here comes christmas!

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 13/12/2017 20:16

I'm very sorry
The poem sounds very intense. Do you think this was also a physical affair? I'm very sorry, its so shit when they deny things/minimise

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 13/12/2017 20:28

He assures me not physical and i just about believe him. it was probably about to become so - and his words were "a good job you found texts and told me".. although on another occasion he was cross saying i spied on him! I looked at his phone because i was suspicious. I noticed other things..
he talked about her loads, exchanged small gifts - he bought her and i same chocolate! I was upset about this - He spends most days at work with her , share car lifts and they have gone through a difficult work situation together. He says all escalated recently. i just struggle to believe he can just get over her like that? anyway im fed up of him cos of the way he has treated me over the years.

OP posts:
Greedynan · 13/12/2017 20:31

Ok, the part about him finding her attractive, it's hurts to know that our partners wil find others attractive and be sexually attracted to others. But that's human nature.

However, he crossed the line by acting on the attraction by texting her and then went even further by asking for pics and then giving her compliments. And the poem, FFS. That suggests more than just an attraction. I can totally understand why you're hurting.

He's minimising things. He's angry because he doesn't want to have to apologise and because you now have 'power over him' but also because he's had to nip his little infatuation in the bud.

Why have you not mentioned seeing the poem? Perhaps, with him knowing you've seen it, he'll stop trying to pass it all off as 'just a few texts'.

He's not being fully open and honest with you right now about exactly what he did, the extent of his feelings/thoughts about OW and why he feels things could have come to that. And until you know the truth then you'll not know whether it's something you feel is possible to be worked through.

I think you perhaps need a firmer approach here and be honest about that poem too.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 13/12/2017 20:43

I'm worried now that it may have been physical ... I'm truly scared and ill with all this.. It's affecting my sleep, eating, blood pressure and state of mind. He is so difficult to talk to. I struggle to "win" arguments with him. I have rently told him that i think he has controlling tendencies towards me.. its taken me a long time to pluck up courage to say. I know he's not as bad as others but he is definitely controlling towards me and I agree with your comments about power / been found out etc. Yesterday he said he will go to counselling and will try but his pattern of behaviour is chopping and changing and saying mean things / changing mind in arguments.One part of me thinks he is worried that he might lose me but another part thinks he doesn't care .. today he said "think our situation has gone too far"! he has no idea that I'm thinking of leaving him after christmas.He can then maybe find a woman who can stand up to him!!!! sorry im so upset

OP posts:
PaintingByNumbers · 13/12/2017 20:44

I'm really really sorry. Take things a day at a time xx

HipNewName · 13/12/2017 21:41

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Why are they still sharing rides? That seems really inappropriate. Has he done anything to cause you to feel better, or like he is making an effort at all?

Greedynan · 13/12/2017 21:46

When I said that the poem suggests more than just an attraction, what I meant was that it was more than just an attraction to him and that he may have developed some sort of mild infatuation, hence the poetry.

The difficulty right now for you is that you don't know where the lies end or the truth begins. And he's not helping. It's really difficult for you to be objective about the situ when he's there every day, minimising. Is there any way you could have some space from one another? Xx

dentalplanlisaneedsbraces · 13/12/2017 22:01

Why are you staying with him? He's a lying, cheating prick and he's gaslighting you. The best thing you could do is pack his stuff and move him on.