Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

203 replies

Pelagia21 · 06/12/2017 20:19

I think my husband is having an emotional affair with a work colleague. I found texts on his phone - I only looked as I had a gut feeling of late that something was going on - only to be confirmed. The texts were not overtly sexual but lits of compliments kisses and emojis. She went on night out and he asked for pics and she sent a few and one im particular a high leg kick close up thigh. He replied with various adjectives "you are beautiful..." And so on.
I told him id found texts and he apologised and said nothing had happened just got close lately.(they are going through a difficult work situation together which has brought them closer). I am aware of this and we discussed this - he says no more texts. Im so upset. I cant fully trust him. They still spend most of day together including time alone. She gives him a lift part way home. His response now is "ive said sorry and thought you said we'd leave it". I want to ask more questions but its just been ending in rows and cos he is very stressed with job i feel guilty and think id better leave it. There have been other signals over last few months and i had suspicions but i do think it has only escalated very recently. He actually said probably good you found out now etc. But what is niggling awY is i dont think its over - they must still like each other and are still going to be together at work. I have said we will have to see over next few weeks. To be honest i cant think straight. We have a big family and i am very busy and running round. One part of me wants to end it all as ive had enough.

OP posts:
KeziaOAP · 14/04/2018 16:44

Was there a reason given for telling her the first time? If so same reason should apply now. Do you or are you likely to come into contact with her?

bitzy12 · 14/04/2018 16:52

If you are saying you may see her through his job then it's sort of clear you aren't ready to leave him op. You don't need to see her, if you do then smile and keep your head held high. You need to be the bigger person here. Talking to her will do nothing but cause more pain.

KeziaOAP · 14/04/2018 16:53

Crossed post. Perhaps he's protecting from her DH finding out. You shouldn't have to be hiding/avoiding places, he has no empathy for you doesn't understand how you are feeling only concerned about himself.

Jon66 · 14/04/2018 16:55

Have you spoken to her husband?

Jon66 · 14/04/2018 16:57

I only wonder because I in your position I would find it difficult not to. You are clearly a better person than me.

KeziaOAP · 14/04/2018 16:57

Yes to bitzy post. Head up smile. Will be hard first time you happen across her.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/04/2018 18:36

Thanks for advice. I honestly cannot bring myself to tell her husband and all the pain and fallout. As far as i know he has no idea. I'm more annoyed that my husband appears to be protecting her and don't get why he won't tell her that i know? As @keziaOAP said why tell her first time but not now? I just don't know what to believe and I give up. Some of his answers don't add up. I need to take advice and focus on my future.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 14/04/2018 18:58

You are doing her DH no favours. Do you not think he has a right to know what she has been doing behind his back??
Should he not have the same choice as you as to continuing with his marriage or not?
Just asking...

rainbowduck · 14/04/2018 19:18

If you want to delete her from Facebook and not say hello, you do it. She kissed your husband, for God's sake!!!

I think you need to stand up for yourself (in the nicest possible way) and let him know that he needs to stop minimizing, realise that he had broken your wedding vows, hurt you deeply and needs to regain your trust.
Start putting money aside and prepare yourself for when you leave. Ducks in a line etc.

Good luck. X

bitzy12 · 14/04/2018 19:28

Are you friends with her on Facebook op?

As for her husband, I don't mean to be awful but it's not really your business as to why he doesn't know. It's not going to make any difference if he did. Not to you anyway. Thinking about telling her husband is only just adding more negativity to the situation as a whole and you don't need that. Your only focus needs to be you. Not even your husband. Your focus needs to be you getting through this. By telling her husband, you are dragging it out, making yourself more involved, making it more messy etc etc - the list goes on. It's not going to make you feel any better. Her and her husband is her problem, not yours.

Saying this, fingers crossed he does find out. It just does not need to come from you op. You are focusing on the wrong things here x

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/04/2018 21:17

Hi and thanks for your messages.
@bitzy12 I think messages are mixy up!
I don't want to tell her husband at all no.
I think others have suggested it but I just can'
t go there. I can see both sides and it presents a dilemma but I choose not to tell him for the very reasons that @bitzy 12 mentions.
I am a conflict avoider by nature and I also agree no point. My main focus is my husband and our marriage as you say. Her husband may well find out eventually and I can see how this may all have run differently if he had found out but that is out of my control.
as regards fb yes we are friends and my husband said "don't delete her as it make it difficult for me"! yes crazy I know! so I decided just to not "follow" as I was getting wound up by her posts but really i want to delete her. (she put "happy family / marriage posts recently.) Well fair enough if she wants to save her marriage and is sorry but it hurt me to see. I sound like a right softee and I think I am. Now i think I have not been tough enough and allowed him to behave awfully over the years. I haven't helped matters. I want to be tough like I think some of the women on MN are!

OP posts:
bitzy12 · 14/04/2018 21:27

I'm not having a go at you here op, I just find your husband extremely frustrating! He says you cannot even delete this woman he's been having an affair with on fb? This is so controlling it's unreal op. Delete her if you want, he even controls your social media. What an unbelievably selfish man.

I don't know what else I can say here that hasn't been said already other than please just grow those gigantic balls I mentioned before and kick him out, divorce him, everything.....he's a big massive C word.

Good luck with whatever happens op, I would find it really really sad if you were back here in a few months exactly as you are now. Please see this solicitor x

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/04/2018 21:49

I've been watching BGT with one of my children to take my mind off things. I have just read your post and I'm moved to tears. Thank you for taking time to talk to me. I haven't been to counselling. I have confided in two people one of whom cannot really cope with all this and I feel unfair burdening them. So.... MN has become my helpline so thank you. Yes I need to hear what you're saying from the rooftops if you get me! My head knows you are right and so now I have to gather strength and act on it. I think I will delete her now. He isn't here today and I have had such a stress free calm day!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/04/2018 21:50

Have I spent the last 20 plus years in a bubble?!

OP posts:
bitzy12 · 14/04/2018 22:00

Oh I was an emotional wreck at bgt tonight, I don't know how that magician did his act...very moving.

I suspect it's probably got a lot worse over time op, at first you won't have seen it but emotional abuse can just creep up out of no where, it's very clever. Before you know it, you are well and truly controlled by this person and you can't see it.

That's why hopefully writing on here will help you as all of us on the outside will be able to see it as you say it is, the only person that can't is you, and you are the one living it.

I'm glad you've had a stress free day, I wish you plenty more of those to come. Just remember you can escape how you are feeling/what you are going through now. It might not be easy to get through but it's going to be better than a life time of this x

KeziaOAP · 14/04/2018 22:12

my husband said "don't delete her as it make it difficult for me" to hell with that you take control do what you want!

Such wise words from bitzy.

Pleased you've had a stress free day.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/04/2018 22:27

I have deleted her!
I've done it now.

It's all so sad and I feel depressed. Most mornings when I wake up I burst into tears - I'm crying because my marriage is over. The dream I had many years ago and have tried to keep going and hold on to has now faded and gone and yes that is so sad.

OP posts:
happysnappysandwich · 14/04/2018 23:35

Oh OP. Your marriage may be over but your life isn't. There's plenty of time to build a new life for yourself and your family and start discovering what it is to not have to answer to that selfish bastard. Well done you, you just need to find the courage to follow through, good luck with it all...you deserve so much better.

TwentySmackeroos · 14/04/2018 23:47

Pelagia I mean all of this kindly Smile

I posted a page or two back about how I felt you are so disempowered in even speaking to your husband about this that a mediated conversation might be the only way to go.

I do not think you are personally ready to talk to a solicitor. You are so belittled currently that he is scoffing at your attempts to talk to him, brushing you away, ridiculing your words, and deciding for you both how he will engage with this woman, regardless of what you think.

Look at how much angst and courage it took you to press 'delete' on Facebook! You poor love, you are being bullied about your own feelings, which hold no sway in his mind.

You need support asap, as the hand-holding we can give you virtually will not be sufficient to equip you to deal with the hard conversations ahead. Mediation does not mean reconciliation, it means an astute and trained adult draws out what you want to say and ensures you are given a respectful audience.

Jon66 · 15/04/2018 00:16

I have to disagree with twentysmackeroos. If you go into mediation without some semblance of balance of power, it is easy to agree to things when you really don't want to but get railroaded because the other person is stronger and more powerful than you, this irrespective of how good the mediator is. You need to take legal advice before you do anything else so you know what the bottom line is. If you are not a strong negotiator you may find it a lot easier and probably cheaper in the long run to pay a solicitor. They will get you a better deal and ensure the pension sharing order and other ancillary matters are dealt with appropriately. Sorry, but was in the profession and that has been my experience.

TwentySmackeroos · 15/04/2018 00:53

Jon66 I don't disagree with you; personally, mediation did not produce an outcome for me, but the experience galvanised me for the solicitor phase, as it was an interim escalation of the conversation, when I felt I sufficiently equipped to go for the nuclear option.

It would definitely be a better option for the op to go directly to a solicitor; it just sounds to me that she is not ready for that, but equally she can't continue to have these heavily biased conversations with her H.

TwentySmackeroos · 15/04/2018 00:54

That should read insufficiently^^

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 15/04/2018 01:09

Thank you both and i will have a think. Is mediation with a solicitor or marriage guidance route?

OP posts:
Cambionome · 15/04/2018 10:41

Some solicitors will do "collaboration" where you discuss everything with both solicitors (yours and his) in the room. This may be something to think about further down the road, but worth bearing in mind - especially as he seems incredibly overbearing and you seem quite frightened of him op. Sad

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 15/04/2018 15:47

Thanks for explaining. Sometimes I wish we could have a conversation with another person present and how it might be different and to see him challenged for once! I am not perfect but I feel brow beaten in nearly every conversation around this issue and at other times. Why is he always so defensive and angry?

OP posts: