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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

203 replies

Pelagia21 · 06/12/2017 20:19

I think my husband is having an emotional affair with a work colleague. I found texts on his phone - I only looked as I had a gut feeling of late that something was going on - only to be confirmed. The texts were not overtly sexual but lits of compliments kisses and emojis. She went on night out and he asked for pics and she sent a few and one im particular a high leg kick close up thigh. He replied with various adjectives "you are beautiful..." And so on.
I told him id found texts and he apologised and said nothing had happened just got close lately.(they are going through a difficult work situation together which has brought them closer). I am aware of this and we discussed this - he says no more texts. Im so upset. I cant fully trust him. They still spend most of day together including time alone. She gives him a lift part way home. His response now is "ive said sorry and thought you said we'd leave it". I want to ask more questions but its just been ending in rows and cos he is very stressed with job i feel guilty and think id better leave it. There have been other signals over last few months and i had suspicions but i do think it has only escalated very recently. He actually said probably good you found out now etc. But what is niggling awY is i dont think its over - they must still like each other and are still going to be together at work. I have said we will have to see over next few weeks. To be honest i cant think straight. We have a big family and i am very busy and running round. One part of me wants to end it all as ive had enough.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 31/03/2018 07:59

Remember that he can’t stop you ending the marriage, he can’t actually throw you out of his workplace without making a scene he doesn’t want to, he can’t stop you talking to the husband. I would at least start proceedings and see how he reacts. But first get a card to your bank account so you have cash!!

StarlightSparkle · 31/03/2018 08:11

He’s got absolutely no right to be angry! No wonder you check up on him when he treats you like this. He’s just pissed that he’s been found out. If he is her boss I’m sure he could charge the work arrangement if he wanted to, but clearly he doesn’t want to. You should kick him out.

Social media is all a facade. People project the image they want people to see, not their real lives. We have no idea what really goes on and a bet there are a lot of ‘perfect families’ that are far from perfect behind closed doors.

Pocketmonster · 31/03/2018 08:35

He's an arrogant controlling bastard, who is most definitely having an affair. How old are your children op? How much local support do you have - friends/family? So sorry you're having to deal with this - it's brutally hard.

YummyChocolatebubbles · 31/03/2018 09:35

I'm so upset. We've just had a row. It starts as a discussion then escalates. I dont want to talk to him anymore. But im stuck here for now. I have seen a solicitor and am making plans. There are several young adults in the house all aged 18 and over. It is so difficult. Now he is saying sorry again and telling me it's all over and he loves me. I cannot do this anymore . I cant trust him and im scared of his temper. And he says really mean things and then sometimes later retracts. He is asking too much of me. I wish I could run away now.

teddycat · 31/03/2018 09:51

The advice that always resonate is that you don't need evidence or closure, you don't need to prove anything or defend yourself. His behaviour is unacceptable, that is it.

You are worth more. He is not worthy of you.

I would stop engaging with him.

KeziaOAP · 31/03/2018 11:35

Yummy good you have consulted a solicitor and set wheels in motion. He's treating you abominably, for your own wellbeing you need to put yourself first.

(Would love to be a fly on the wall at the office to see how others are reading the situation (making a prat of himself?). Can't be good for morale if he's favouring her, she has him wrapped around her little finger).

YummyChocolatebubbles · 01/04/2018 17:13

I would love to be a fly on the wall too. And I'm sure others will have noticed.

ICESTAR · 02/04/2018 14:00

How are you yummy? Are you holding up today? X

YummyChocolatebubbles · 02/04/2018 14:15

Thank you for asking. Im struggling to be honest and feeling depressed.

Gide · 02/04/2018 14:30

I’m sorry, OP, you need to leave. How long will you carry on with the suffering otherwise? What’s the point? You’ll never be able to go back to a worry free relationship with this wanker.

NewYear2019 · 02/04/2018 14:34

You need to end it OP. He's hanging around out of duty and convenience. Tbh emotional affairs are more difficult to resolve than physical, sadly he's not wanting to be with you. Move on and life will get better. Good luck!

YummyChocolatebubbles · 02/04/2018 16:14

Yes emotional affair very painful and also they have kissed. All he says now is he is sorry and when am i going to forgive him? And conversation usually descend to same place of arguing and he fets angry. I cannot get over this and i feel under so much pressure. And still scared to tell him im leaving but keep dropping hints. He says "what just over this mistake? Ive said im sorry" Then I said also because of your attitude to me and all the other stuff like your temper"

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/04/2018 00:34

Just want to update and need more advice. I have only talked to a couple of people and they can only help to a certain extent as they have their own troubles. Also i have only just worked out how to go back to my username - sorry took me ages. MN has helped me so much and i just can't believe the number of women who are going through similar to me!

OP posts:
KeziaOAP · 14/04/2018 00:42

Have been thinking about you. Did you get an appointment with solicitor?

TwentySmackeroos · 14/04/2018 00:44

Op, I only got to the end of page 1 and I was already thinking of how I would respond. I then RTFT and my reply remains the same:

This is someone who will not listen to you. He won't listen to your very reasonable worries and he shuts you down with straw man arguments.

I believe you need to end the marriage, but I believe you need help and support to do so. You need validation. Would you book a mediation session? So that you are in a room with someone who will moderate the conversation? I feel you need this. Because you are currently feeling very disempowered and even if you want to seek a divorce, you sound too beaten down to do so. Flowers

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/04/2018 00:48

Anyway my mind is made up that it is over for me and I keep trying to tell him but he doesnt seem to get it. He has times when he is sorry / says sorry but then he's mad. He just can't cope with discussing it. Meanwhile I have to get through another week or two and then hopefully I can practically move out. It is so difficult cos of children and family. He has just about convinced me it is over but for me the trust has gone. A big problem for me is they work together closely on a daily basis. He had returned to work after a break and so far this week had had two lifts home and a birthday bottle of wine with "just a kiss on cheek". Ok maybe ok if what he says is true... All over/ big mistake/ loves me etc. He also said they had conversation when back at work .. she said she was clear never again / mistake etc. So ok i belueve them ... For now but i cant help thinking could flare up again. Especially because this is what happened a few moths ago ... Stop start. But he pleads with me to forgive him and says how long will i punish him for? It's these kind of comments that upset me.. he just wants it all out the way/ no discussion and move on. I'm so hurt and he just still makes me feel like the bad guy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/04/2018 00:51

Thank you for your replies that I've just seen whilst writing my long post!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/04/2018 01:01

Yes I have seen a solicitor but still haven't had courage to tell him but I do keep saying it's over for me / can't move on / words to that effect. Yes i do feel disempowered and more than anything would like to speak with him in presence of another mediator. He either gets cross or just shuts down conversation. I feel incredibly frustrated. But equally maybe thete is no point discussing anymore as I have been advised and I should just try to detach. A big thing for me is the way he has treated me through last few months of all this. Says really mean things then later says "that was in an argument"!! I feel so resentful towards him. i think he needs counselling.

OP posts:
KeziaOAP · 14/04/2018 01:14

Saying sorry is not enough he has to show remorse for his behaviour the way he has treated you. Is he being open with phone, whatsapp?

The suggestion by Twenty for mediation or even counselling is a good one, that's if he would agree of course.

GirlDownUnder · 14/04/2018 01:39

Why is you’re relationship being decided by them? It’s ok now, because she said she was clear never again / mistake etc

Stop worrying about what he said / she said.

This is all about you. You need to look after you, because no one else can.

Take care.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 14/04/2018 01:50

Thank you and you are right. And i still have this fear it will start again. I forgave first time and believed it was over but then it progressed to kiss! He says a mistake and he never stopped thinking of me! But I just don't believe it as he was horrible to me all through those weeks and months when I suspected and then found out!

OP posts:
joystir59 · 14/04/2018 06:43

I would be very surprised after reading your post OP, if he isn't already having a sexual affair with OW. Or heading that way fast. He doesn't seem.to have any respect for you.

Cleavergreene · 14/04/2018 07:39

I get that he seems to be mind fucking you. I doubt his behaviour will change. He seems to show you no respect. His communication style is agessive and antagonistic and he sees you as being powerless. I suspect you find it hard to communicate rationally and with clarity without getting emotional which seems to just antagonise him. I’m not blaming you for this, it’s just a suspicion of mine.

Tbh OP, at some point you need to just let it go and not invest any more effort into something that can’t be fixed. Use your energy wisely. Decide if you want to put up with this sham of a marriage or get on with your life.

If you want to get on with the next chapter, work on that. Don’t worry what he does. I’m not sure what the steps of a separation/divorce entail. Something like...solicitor, get all bank statements/documents/passports etc, tell the family he’s been cheating and you’re not tolerating it, sort out finances, find a job. Kick his arse out.

SVRT19674 · 14/04/2018 08:05

About the car? Deflection. A good defence is a good attack. Tell him at the divorce court it all starts 50_50. He wants to start grovelling or that's where he will end up.

TheStoic · 14/04/2018 08:12

Some people don’t understand that by choosing one door, all other doors are now closed. That’s monogamy.

Your husband does not think you are worth closing all other doors for.