Emotional affair?

[Pelagia21]

I think my husband is having an emotional affair with a work colleague. I found texts on his phone - I only looked as I had a gut feeling of late that something was going on - only to be confirmed. The texts were not overtly sexual but lits of compliments kisses and emojis. She went on night out and he asked for pics and she sent a few and one im particular a high leg kick close up thigh. He replied with various adjectives "you are beautiful..." And so on.
I told him id found texts and he apologised and said nothing had happened just got close lately.(they are going through a difficult work situation together which has brought them closer). I am aware of this and we discussed this - he says no more texts. Im so upset. I cant fully trust him. They still spend most of day together including time alone. She gives him a lift part way home. His response now is "ive said sorry and thought you said we'd leave it". I want to ask more questions but its just been ending in rows and cos he is very stressed with job i feel guilty and think id better leave it. There have been other signals over last few months and i had suspicions but i do think it has only escalated very recently. He actually said probably good you found out now etc. But what is niggling awY is i dont think its over - they must still like each other and are still going to be together at work. I have said we will have to see over next few weeks. To be honest i cant think straight. We have a big family and i am very busy and running round. One part of me wants to end it all as ive had enough.

Thanks for all your advice. Whatsapp has stopped but he still has password on phone although Im sure txting has stopped. I just keep coming back to the fact that it "stopped" a few months ago and started again so how can I ever trust and be sure it wont happen again. Especially given the fact they work so closely together. But the real issues are around his behaviour. @clevergreene has put it so well - yes his communication style is aggressive and I do get emotional. There is an imbalance of power and he doesnt seem to like being challenged. It has taken me years to try and understand him and even say some if it and I still havent used phrase "emotional abuse" because I know how he will react! I don't want to live like this anymore.

Reading back All over/ big mistake/ loves me etc. He also said they had conversation when back at work .. she said she was clear never again / mistake etc. So ok i belueve them ... For now.... What was the never again/mistake was it the kiss or more? As he told her you know about this?

He says he loves you, he needs to prove this by not contacting her outside of work, listening to you, may be writing everything down you are feeling and giving it to him as he won't discuss this rationally. As regards contact at work as her boss, surely he could delegate someone else to work with her.

Unless you get absolute honesty doubtful tell him you are going to see solicitor re divorce. May make him take notice you are serious.

Still believe this was/is huge crush from him with her enjoying the attention of the boss and not dissuading him.

Wonder if she's getting concerned something is going to get back to her husband. From an earlier post you've said they have a baby.

You have young adults in the house they must have noticed something in the atmosphere. How does he interact with your DC?

What a rollercoaster you're still on Pelagia. The thing is, it's only going to stop when YOU stop it, when you decide you've truly had enough and got off it.

Your husband sounds horribly aggressive towards you. He's like this because he's keeping the 'balls up in the air', he's emotionally separated from you because he's investing those emotions in the OW now and has been for some time. Perhaps he was an honest man to start with but he isn't now. Look and listen to what he has become now.

All communication through your solicitor now, they will not get upset or be sad at what he says, let them be a 'shield' for you. One day you'll be stronger and feel better - and be so, so relieved that you got rid of this louse now, whilst you have not invested years and years after discovery, into more time-wasting of your self.

You are going to be ok; get your solicitor working on this for you. No more chat to your husband about your plans either, he'll know when it's time - and when he can't put the blockers on your plans.

Forgot to say i have written down and he reads it but doesnt reply. He says its too difficult to reply to it all. I said it might be better than rowing emotionally etc. I just want him to answer my questions but he won't or says he can't remember details. He is selective in what he answers. Also i printed off the list that a pp put on here about how to respond to your partner in this situation. His response was... "Swear ... You've given me a list of 20 things to do!" !!! This is what I have to put up with. Are all men like this? Do all men say f ... Off to partner / wife? I dont think so. I feel like im losing my mind..

I wrote a post before this one mainly in reply to @keziaOAP and i've lost it so i will try again.

Are all men like this? Do all men say f ... Off to partner / wife?

No they don't. Early on in my marriage my DH had a very brief emotional affair with a colleague then a ons with her at a conference. He told me everything, was very remorseful, because he was honest we worked through it but at no time was he aggressive towards me. We separated for a while took a few months to get back together. Sadly he died in 2012 after 40 years of a very fulfilling marriage. I wouldn't have missed those years apart from the early blip . I don't think this would have happened if he had acted as your H is treating you.

Take care

Please don't bother writing things down for him, Pelagia, this is over now and, in its current form, there's no way back from it. He's not remorseful and the affair is almost definitely continuing. What would you say if I tell you that HE could be making plans behind your back to safeguard 'his' money, siphon it out here and there - just in case you get it into your little head to actually divorce him? How would that make you feel if it were reality?

He could be doing just that. Discussing it with his good friend, the OW.

All men are not like this. Your husband IS like this. You can't carry on as you are and expect a different result. You could though, carry on as you are HOPING for one, and being truly disappointed with yourself for doing that, ten or twenty years from now.

Make a decision - whatever it is - and move forward with that. If you've decided on a solicitor then keep going. If you've decided not, then at least start putting money aside for yourself for a 'war chest'. Every woman should have one of these.

Thanks for your advice @keziaOAP and you understand the situation very well. I will try and answer.
I think the discussion (which was initiated by her as he said he wasn't going to mention it) about never again was regarding the kiss and it had gone too far... Also the high risk to their jobs! And he says all ove now just work colleagues "again"! My problem is that it is a repeat if a few months ago when he said all over / just professional again but then after a few months it developed further! He told her i knew first time about txts and photos but for some reason he hasn't told her i know it started again / whatsapp messages and kiss. It makes me think he is trying to protect her but im not sure? When i ask why he hasn't told her i know and that i think he should he says he just wants to leave it now. He knows i won't tell her husband but i have said i might speak to her. I also said i will ignore her if i come across her (which is going to happen sooner or later) and he said "oh please just say hello"! I'm so frustrated because he wont answer my questions and can't seem to cope with the conversation.

And because of their work situation they do work closely together on a daily basis. He says he will try and make changes but he has already had two lifts home in one week! When i ask him stuff he nearly always goes cross.

@keziaOAP
I just read your post and it made me cry. I am so glad you and your husband found reconciliation and you had many happy years. Thank you for talking to me. You have given me something to think about.

Pelagia for you

Do you now have a bank card and access to the household money?

Oh op, this has been going on for 4 months now, 4 months of misery and upset all on you, caused by him. Please just put yourself first.

This reminds me very much of my dads affair, only ever apologised to us once and then expected us all to carry on as normal and forgive. Said he wasn't in contact with her anymore but he was - played my mum like a fool in all honesty.

This was years ago and I'm still close to my dad though I'm sure he still feels no remorse for what he put my mum or anyone else through.

Imo, you can tell if someone is sorry, really does feel guilty after an affair - and affairs for me can mean anything. Texting when you shouldn't is cheating. Having to hide/delete things from your phone is cheating.

He doesn't sound sorry/guilty/ op. He should be begging for forgiveness. He should even be leaving his job to get away from this woman.

I don't think this man has any ounce of decency in his body and you most definitely do not deserve anymore of his crap.

I hope you find the strength to move on from this - my mum did. She saw my dad was still messing her about and ended up. Fast forward to now (8 years later) she's happier than she was before. Probably too early for you to be thinking about the future but you can get through this and come out of the other side. He just needs to be put in his place and you are the only one that can do that. You just need to find the strength to do it x

Thank you @keziaOAP
Yes@NapQueen i now have bank card. He is generous with money on whole but controlling. I chose not to have card cos sick of the comments and rows and i did make it worse for myself trying to make a point. I had a very good well paid job a few years ago and we gave different views on money. He says he earns it and shares it with me and he should be given credit for working so hard. I had to push him to say its "our money" and he said it reluctantly. I see it as our money. He will say different next time. Am i wrong in this? This to me is another example of his difficult behaviour which I'm getting a bit stronger about.

Yes@bitzy12 this is what I think. He is so dismissive of it and just tries to play it down. He actually said the other day.. "i haven't murdered anyone!" He is impossible to argue/talk to with. I just feel so frustrated and made a fool of. He is nice for a while / says sorry / got me flowers but it is inconsistent. I will never forget how he behaved through all this and some of the horrible things he said to me and his anger!

@Pelagia21 what you need to realise is that he's still walking all over you. I don't mean this to sound harsh op, I really don't but the fact is, he is controlling you here and he is the one that's in the wrong. It needs to be the other way round. A long time ago, I would of been the same as you. But now, if my dh did this, he would be out the door and that would be it.

From what I've read, you are still living under the same roof, he won't talk about it, thinks he's done nothing wrong, gets angry at you etc etc. He's winning this battle op. You are letting him. He won't realise what he's done if it stays like this. He will continue to walk all over you, keep secrets behind your back and won't even feel bad when he's found out. It sounds like he's controlled you for a long time, you've just not been able to see it. He sees you not as an 'equal' which is probably why he's done this and isn't feeling guilty for it. He thinks he is superior to you and you and your feelings don't matter.

I really hope you divorce this complete and utter d**k for your sake. Hugs to you xx but also grow a gigantic pair of balls and kick him where it hurts - this is your life op, be in control of it xxx

Yes it's been difficult for years. He is controlling as some close around me have noticed. I have only recently told him he is controlling and he was cross. Then i feel guilty as yes he has good points. I just can't forgive it forget anymore. It has all taken it's toll on me. When i say other men don't swear he says "how do you know" or "all that internet rubbish!" If he knew I had put all this on here he would go bloody mad! I think he needs anger management or counselling but he won't agree ( sometimes says yes but won't). He over reacts to mist things / gets cross to easily / takes it out on me. So for years he has stress at work (which I can understand) but struggles to deal with it and it's usually me who gets it.

Why do you think he hasn't told her I know it happened again and that they kissed? Also do you all say "our money"?

The thing that worries me here is that you can talk about him all day long and what he's like but not what you are prepared to do about it?

Once you get to that point of 100% knowing it's over and you aren't prepared to go through this anymore - you are free. He won't be able to get in your way. He will get the shock of his life too. You need to get to this point op, I don't think you are there yet. I even think you may carry on living like this which is really sad.

Pelagia. I can assure you most men certainly do NOT swear at there significant other.

Don’t make excuses for him. The stress of work should never adversly affect relationships to that extent. If they do, the work life balance is all wrong. It’s a cop out. Trust me when I say I know what work stress is like. You come hold and hold your partner and let it go, not vent and rage.

My advice. Forget what he does. He can fuck her or anyone if he wants. Drop him like the turd he is. Don’t invest in this nonsense any more.

I can see why you think this and I'm on a bit of a roll talking about it today sorry.
But my mind us made up and Ive told him a few times it is over for me. I have seen solicitor but he doesn't know. Yes I am scared when he gets the letter and if what is to come. But talking on here and to a couple of close people has helped me to go ahead.

Why do you think he hasn't told her that I know? I said I think he should. i can't quite see reason why? He says just wants to leave it. I'm dreading seeing her. Do you think I should say anything to her?

Why on earth do you need to see her?

What i mean is that it is inevitable that I will come across her at some stage. Either through his job or more likely in the local area/shops. She has already driven past me but I didnt look. I won't be going into their workplace again. I don't want to see her but wonder if i should speak to her if you get me If he told me she knew and it out in open then ok. It will just be difficult because she won't know what I know (although yes to first time but worse now). I have even avoided local supermarket all week and just want to move away. I can't carry on like this.

Sorry if it doesn't make sense. If I see her I will just try and avoid and then go and have a cry. i am more annoyed with him and his attempts to protect her eg "just say hello/ don't delete her from fb" (although I want to)