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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

203 replies

Pelagia21 · 06/12/2017 20:19

I think my husband is having an emotional affair with a work colleague. I found texts on his phone - I only looked as I had a gut feeling of late that something was going on - only to be confirmed. The texts were not overtly sexual but lits of compliments kisses and emojis. She went on night out and he asked for pics and she sent a few and one im particular a high leg kick close up thigh. He replied with various adjectives "you are beautiful..." And so on.
I told him id found texts and he apologised and said nothing had happened just got close lately.(they are going through a difficult work situation together which has brought them closer). I am aware of this and we discussed this - he says no more texts. Im so upset. I cant fully trust him. They still spend most of day together including time alone. She gives him a lift part way home. His response now is "ive said sorry and thought you said we'd leave it". I want to ask more questions but its just been ending in rows and cos he is very stressed with job i feel guilty and think id better leave it. There have been other signals over last few months and i had suspicions but i do think it has only escalated very recently. He actually said probably good you found out now etc. But what is niggling awY is i dont think its over - they must still like each other and are still going to be together at work. I have said we will have to see over next few weeks. To be honest i cant think straight. We have a big family and i am very busy and running round. One part of me wants to end it all as ive had enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pelagia21 · 07/12/2017 12:09

No but he sorts all money and gives me money. I got rid of my card as too many rows about money as he said i kept going overdrawn. He gives me cash and says i can have a card but i dont want to cos i know what will happen. Honestly not that bad at all. I no longer work so dont have my own income. No credit store cards or anything.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2017 12:10

I'm sorry OP. The affair isn't over and it sounds as if it's going to become a physical affair very soon if it isn't already.

The only question is how you feel about it? Will you take being disrespected and diminished for the sake of 'saving the family'? Or will you take action now to prevent the shit storm that is coming your way.

Everything we know about this man is what you've posted. You may have left some stuff out also, just picked the thing that are needling you. It isn't going to go away. AF nailed it in the first response. He needs to leave. He has no respect for you and that's evident from what you've posted.

The woman is really irrelevant - it's his behaviour towards you that you that you need to look at. I agree with Painting, he's segregating his 'things' into his-and-his so that if you don't 'toe the line', he is ready. Christmas is an awful time for this to happen but there's never a good one, it's just heightened by 'family-ness' at the moment.

There is some very good advice pinned to the relationships board about getting your 'ducks in a row' so that, if you need to call a halt to your marriage, you know that everything is in place to do so and you'll be able to take that forward without having to rush around like a chicken when your emotions would be in a mess.

I'm so sorry.

Anxiety100 · 07/12/2017 12:16

Yeah I'm so sorry Pelagia, I don't think he respects you at all and is just looking out for number 1. In my opinion, you need to slowly get your affairs in order and leave. Even if you stay with a family member or friend until you can become financially stable.
He seems too selfish to care about you're own feelings, you deserve so much more than that

nousername123 · 07/12/2017 12:27

OP!! Re read your post, you are better than this! He's walking all over you. If I found messages like that on my Partners phone, that would be it, over, and he knows it. Why do you feel guilty?? If he's emotionally involved he won't be able to just stop when he's working with her day in day out! And his response is very defensive, he sounds like a pig of a man! He's very self entitled. You need to put your foot down and tell him how upset you are and you can't just drop it and he needs to realise he's done something very wrong it's a big no no!x

CoyoteCafe · 07/12/2017 12:33

Can you go to the bank and make a withdrawal? Is the money in your name as well as his?

EllenRipley · 07/12/2017 12:40

Don't let him minimise this. There have to be repercussions. He knows he's been caught out, he knows he's wrong and he's trying to deflect while he figures out what to do (ie is he willing to give up his emotional affair). The comment about the car suggests he's either been working out 'what's mine' or he's always considered your relationship this way. Rotten bastard.

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 07/12/2017 12:48

Yes money in both names. Again you are all correct in your advice and thank you for taking time to help me. I feel a bit guilty trying to discuss it because he is incredibly stressed with a difficult situation at work and i consider that on his behalf. However he is being incredibly defensive and just keeps saying i told you nothings happened just a few txts. But he seems "cross sorry" if you get me. And ironically he says the difficult situation has brought them together which i can see but......!

OP posts:
CoyoteCafe · 07/12/2017 12:52

You don’t have anything to feel guilty about. He made this mess. He doesn’t want to be held responsible for his behavior.

He sounds very controlling,

HelenUrth · 07/12/2017 12:59

He's an arse. And an abusive one. And not just emotionally.

Please read this Financial Abuse: 6 Signs and What You Can Do About it

I suspect you might identify with more than one of these signs. There is some advice at the bottom of the post - however you will get great advice here if you ask for it.

Anxiety100 · 07/12/2017 13:00

Don't you dare let him blame his behaviour on work or let him deflect the situation on to you. It's his behaviour that's in the wrong, end of story. Don't make excuses for a selfish man who treats you like crap.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/12/2017 13:04

OP, you're floundering in your discussions with him because he knows the game is up and he needs to regain control of you. He does that by attacking you (best form of defence). Don't bother talking to him about this anymore but now is the time that you need to work quietly on your own to get all the information you need, bank statements, everything.

You need to understand the position of where you are at the moment to understand how precarious your position actually is. Seek proper legal advice, decide your path and then follow it.

venusandmars · 07/12/2017 13:20

When my dp was in a similar situation I sat him down, spoke about work stress, hysterical bonding, emotional affairs - basically saying "I'm aware of the possibility" and also helping him to see that his potential grand passion was just a symptom of working closely on an important project.

However, if anything in his answer had been about 'his' money..... wow, that would be a different conversation.

AgathaF · 07/12/2017 13:41

It doesn't sound like you were especially happy in your relationship before this happened. Were you? Was it a relationship worth trying to save?

He's not showing you committment or love or understanding just now. Seems like he's completely taking it for granted that you'll be there at home whilst he enjoys himself elsewhere.

Louiseandhercubs · 07/12/2017 13:49

From my point of view it sounds like your husband has done more than just texts. I personally have no problem with a x on a text HOWEEVER I'm a firm believer that if you have a problem with that, your husband. Weds to be mindful of this.

Maybe have one convo with him, tell him if he answers everything in that chat you can move forward and never bring it up again and if not then you will know type thing

IF362525 · 07/12/2017 13:56

Amazing how many people this seems to happen to and how many end up back with them! Why do so many women end up back with these wankers?

holasoydora · 07/12/2017 13:57

The car thing is a put down. He is telling you he thinks he has more sway in the relationship than you because 'he' bought it. He is telling you he doesn't see you as a partnership, in his eyes he is more equal than you.

And how convenient for him not to want to discuss your questions about his AFFAIR. Emotional or not, it is one. Emojis and 'you're beautiful?'. He is building himself a life raft (to quote Don Draper).

Original poster
Pelagia21 · 07/12/2017 14:30

Yes on going problems and for years. I am a weak person but am really trying to be strong now and the truth is i dont want to spend rest of my life with him. I feel almost at the end in every way. Wont be easy but im going to try

OP posts:
ImpeachTheOrangeGibbon · 07/12/2017 15:13

the truth is i dont want to spend rest of my life with him.

Darling, you have your answer, right there.

He sounds controlling and aggressive, and what he has done is totally lacking in respect for you. If you know you want out, please go and privately see a solicitor and talk things through calmly. You say you have been married for 20 years, and don't work? Presumably there are joint assets, like a house? You can be free of this self-entitled arse and have the rest of your life to look forward to.

I absolutely don't think you are weak btw, I do think he has done a prize job of eroding your confidence and keeping you in your little 'wife' box though.

Won't he get the shock of his life when you start divorce proceedings?!

Be strong, xxx

Robin2323 · 07/12/2017 17:12

Tell her husband
ThIs all a fantasy
They think they are teenagers
They are not
You are stronger than you think
You and your husband can with this out
It will take work
Good luck x

CoyoteCafe · 07/12/2017 17:22

Because you want out of the relationship, my advice is to quietly get your ducks in a row, copy important papers, see a solicitor, and so on. It will be easier to do all this if he doesn’t realize the gig is up. Then plan your exit in a way that works for you,

Meanwhile, keep copies of any more texts or evidence of his affair.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 07/12/2017 17:36

Yes then as soon as he shags he you can petition for adultery.

AgathaF · 07/12/2017 17:39

the truth is i dont want to spend rest of my life with him - so then there is no point in trying to get this back on track. You're not happy and haven't been for years. You don't want to be with him. That is enough anyway, but along with his affair (emotional or otherwise) you have more than enough reason to call it a day if that is what you want.

The question now then, is really one of planning. You don't want to spend your life with him, so you need to plan how you are going to separate. Is it time to speak to a solicitor, see what your options are? Do you have any rl support? It would probably be helpful to have someone to talk this through with.

lifesaverormassmurderer · 07/12/2017 17:45

I have been here with my DH. He also apologised and then didn't want to talk about it after that, saying I was making more of it than it was.

We're still together 10,years later and because My questions were never aired it still rears its ugly head every now and then.

With that in mind I think you should insist that you sit down to talk without any interruptions and he has to answer any questions you want to ask. If he's unwilling to do that I would think he has more to hide.

Sorry you're going through this - it's shit Thanks

chestylarue52 · 07/12/2017 17:52

Sorry isn't just a thing you say it's a behaviour.

Love isn't just a feeling you have it's a behaviour.

He isn't sorry and he isn't loving you.

Thinkingofausername1 · 07/12/2017 20:03

I agree with others. Tell her husband and embarrass them.

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