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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:

TheStoic · 29/10/2017 05:15

There’s a new cliche that says that in order to save your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it.

The only thing that seems to work in these cases is going scorched earth. Tell him you want a divorce based on what you’ve read, and he needs to move out immediately.

Most people aren’t brave enough to do that though, so it’s easier said than done.

RedDahlia · 29/10/2017 05:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoNamesLeft86 · 29/10/2017 05:21

I agree totally with Red. He isnt who you thought he was. He is cheating whether its happened physically yet or not.

To me that would be instant end of relationship. Please dont stand for this.

WhoWants2Know · 29/10/2017 05:30

Oh, wow, OP. That’s some life changing stuff.

I would also have trouble not going apeshit at the other woman because she’s the most convenient target- you never loved her! I’d have fantasies of confrontations, or making sure every other parent found out what she has been up to...

But she isn’t the biggest problem. Your husband is. It’s probably too early to know whether you’ll want to divorce him, but it may be a good idea to sort out your finances and get legal advice in case.

The fact that he has been a good husband and helped you get a degree isn’t relevant here. He doesn’t get to use past good deeds to buy absolution for future bad ones.

Annieshop · 29/10/2017 05:33

No wonder you can’t sleep after finding that out, op.
And I guess your DH is snoring his untroubled stupid head off.
So sorry this is happening to you, op.
Does he know you’ve caught him out op?
First thing I’d do is screenshot/copy/save his FB love messages to ow
you may want to know all the details at some point in the future
when he starts on the minimising phase of excuses.

GeekyWombat · 29/10/2017 05:41

Absolutely screenshot / photo the messages now. You might not want to read them yet and you may never do but when you do confront him if he deletes them and starts minimising his behaviour you’ll begin to question how bad it was.

Only you know whether you can come back from this, I’m so sorry this has happened

Original poster

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:41

She's a whore that's what I think of her. She could have stopped his advances but she didn't. I just can't get around that my loving husband the one who spent yesterday with us his family, was so cold hearted to chase this woman. I never picked up anything abnormal, yes he'd been recently more aloof and started coming very late to bed but always assumed he just need some "me" time. I took some screenshots, there are too many messages and I don't want to even go through them much less have a copy of all the in and outs of how much he lusted after her.

OP posts:

Megthehen · 29/10/2017 06:18

So sorry for your loss ... of trust and innocence. There is a mucky world of social media flirting, innuendo which some people think is evolved, risque...but others (people with loyalty and morals?) find deceitful. My crappy husband sought out, responded to unsolicited approaches from on-line sluts because it made him feel good. They know it is wrong. When it becomes real life people and emotions develop they are caught in a fantasy world and you are the poor chump in the dark. Shedding light on this will create a major trauma for your OH and be warned that he will probably turn on you and vent including a full blown assassination of your character. Funny really, I was called a whore ... among a long list of my character deficiencies. You need to bring this out into the open. Maybe discuss first with your go to support person to give you strength. You will need armour...probably the most difficult conversation you will have. Come back when you need support.

Annoyed5678 · 29/10/2017 06:23

OP you sound so pathetic, why should she stop his advances? Your husband should errrr not be messaging any woman in appropriately. Admit it sex was on the cards and would have not been the once you have now read the messages so put a stop to it for now. Also he thinks that much of you does it with a woman whom you see at school cringey

Megthehen · 29/10/2017 06:34

Hate to say it but there is often more than what you have stumbled upon...so any other nagging doubts about incidents, might be worth seeing if his facebook, email, browsing history is revealing while you have access? Jesus - are you teaching, back at work tomorrow?

Original poster

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 06:45

Megthehen yes I am. I don't even know if I'll confront my husband yet or not. It was just so unexpected and out of character. At least they are not in love, but that's no consolation.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 29/10/2017 06:48

So sorry

In your shoes I’d want out, for me it would be the end.

Thing is it’s you that has to decide what you want to do

ivykaty44 · 29/10/2017 06:50

Op there is no need to rush, take your time

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 29/10/2017 06:50

Read them and screenshot them all. You need to as you are minimising this.

Your husband is not a great man. He's actively sought another woman out and ended all trust and commitment to your marriage.

Get your financial information safe and kick him out. Tell your best friend too.

Bananamanfan · 29/10/2017 06:52

Please don't focus on the other woman, op, you are not married to her. Your H is your problem to focus on.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 29/10/2017 06:52

at least they are not in love

That would make it worse for me. Him acting like this and being prepared to throw away a marriage and family for a sex thing. Clearly not a great man.

howtodowills · 29/10/2017 07:00

1.Get your copies of all your (collective, individual and his alone) financial documents.

Tell your best friend you know

Tell your H you know what he's been up to. Give him one chance to tell you the truth himself.

Whatever his "truth" is tell him he needs to leave.

From here there's a chance you may work it out but you'll need space to:

process it yourself
see how he reacts
see what you want. You may find out he isn't at all the person you thought he was.

Good luck

Megthehen · 29/10/2017 07:01

Ok you might think you will fall apart at work but teaching is partly putting on a performance so you will probably be fine. Just try and go through the motions today, avoid your husband and try and plan your approach to a very difficult conversation, one you might not want to have but, believe me, this will eat away at you and the trust will have no chance of being rebuilt , should you want this, until you do. Hope you can find lots of distractions today.

Lottie509 · 29/10/2017 07:04

How horrible for you op, The fact he remains pretty normal is worse I think, Hes clearly a complete fraud.
You need to build yourself up and kick him out, He clearly has no respect for you at all, he is not the great man you describe him to be. And doing it with a mother from school is even worse, Seems like he cant help himself where ever he is, How do you know he hasnt done this in the past with other women, As hes clearly a great actor.
Hes not the man you thought you married.

DorisDay88 · 29/10/2017 07:07

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this, it must be a terrible shock and like others have said please take your time, you don’t have to decide what to do today, it’s up to you how you decide to deal with it and when – although deal with it you must at some point.
Gather as much evidence as you can, he will try to get out of it if you don’t with crap such as oh we were only talking, we’ve never met in real life so it doesn’t count, nothing ever happened and the worst one for me, oh it was just a bit of fun, it doesn’t mean anything .
Does he have instagram, snapchat etc as you can pm on these as well. Does he leave his fb account open for you to see or is it usually passworded? There’s a possibility this woman isn’t the only one he has been messaging and believe me I speak from bitter experience – it could be she’s the only one who has responded.
If you decide to do more digging I’m sure someone on here can help with how to log into his other accounts

I’ll be thinking of you today with that awful sick feeling in your stomach I know so well – be kind to yourself and if there’s anyone you can speak to in rl please do. Leave the children with him for the day and go talk to a friend
Finally please don’t confront the OW , not yet and certainly not in public, you will feel humiliated afterwards. You can and will get your revenge I’m sure but wait and think it through first

PizzaPlease · 29/10/2017 07:08

You need to make copies of anything important before he knows that you know, that does include the messages unfortunately, before he removes them. It is absolutely cheating. You said at least they're not in love, but you didn't read all the messages lovely, so you don't really know what's going on, or how far they've gone, what they've talked about in person or on the phone. You should rip off the band aid and get all the information you need so that you can make a decision, don't hide your head in the sand and let him get away with it because it won't ever end. You deserve better, your kids deserve better. And you deserve respect, which he is serin not giving you. So get your stuff together, messages, documents, birth certificates for the kids etc, then tell your husband AND her husband, her husband also deserves better, and should he allowed to make his own choice in this.

Anmi0802 · 29/10/2017 07:11

First I'm sorry about this situation, it sounds so upsetting. But please don't take it on the woman, if wasn't her, he would be talking to someone else. As you said he was the one who messaged her first, he is your husband and Not her ( doesn't make her great though) I hope you find a solution and sort it out. For me that would be the end. But take your time if you feel you need it to decide what to do

Cambionome · 29/10/2017 07:13

I think you are going to have to confront him - you can't bury your head in the sand about this, it will just eat away at you.

Your self-respect and mental and emotional health come first here (and the well-being of your dc, of course). If you don't face up to his appalling behaviour you will feel worse in the long term.

SonicBoomBoom · 29/10/2017 07:17

If you don't confront him, he's going to carry on with her until he has strong emotional feelings towards her and they have slept together.

You can't un-know this.

OliviaBenson · 29/10/2017 07:19

I'm sorry op.

They are both 100% in the wrong but your husband is the one that has wronged you. He was the one that chased her.

Take your time but please do not minimise this. You deserve better.

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