Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

Oh OP that’s awful. It seems your husband isn’t the man you thought and perhaps still think he is at all. for you, we’re all here to support you.

Her husband deserves to know the type of scumbag he married
But what about the scumbag that you're married to OP? Read back your posts. You're placing all the blame on her and excusing him.

He's cheating on you. He's even been gossiping about doing so with his friend, making a fool of you to his friend and showing how little he respects you This. Remember he started it, not her, and he’s been boasting about it to his mates.

I’d print out all the messages and present them to him, then ask him to leave. And I would tell the OW’s husband, who has a right to know what’s going on in his marriage. But she’s not your problem, your husband is.

Much of your feelings are misdirected here. Your husband pursued her. He's the one infatuated and wanting sex with her. If she's scum, then so is your husband.

I think it is your place to tell her husband .... but that's your choice.

Personally ... this would be the end for me. I couldn't be married to a man who didn't just fall into an affair, but planned it.

Get real, you're not exactly married to Innocent Ivor.
While you hang about blaming her, and calling her all sorts, we are entering one of the most dangerous times of the year for relationships - the run up to Xmas. So many opportunities to sneak off for a few hours, work dos, shopping, school events, planning meetings. Perfect time for consummating their 'classy' relationship.
Come on, get on this, their marriage is not your business, stop fussing whether her husband knows anything or everything - shut yer front door and sort your own piece of shit out. Otherwise there'll be double dipping going on this Xmas and I'm not talking about the Boxing Day buffet.
Crude, yes.
True, also yes.

I understand the desire to blame it on her completely. I absolutely do, and she's got her own issues to deal with. But her husband will probably blame yours just as much as you're blaming her (and he'd have more to blame him for since he initiated it). Worry about him not her - if it weren't her it would have been someone else. Nice shy people don't behave this way, don't brag to mates about cheating on their wives. He's a scumbag.

If you think it’s not your place to tell her husband, read the “OH affair with mum at school” thread.

When I found out my Ex was a lying cheating arsehole - wife and a GF plus me - I Told all the people involved. It is the only way to do it IMO.

Be honest in a way he could never ever be.

I would tell her husband. I would want to know if I was married to one of the participants.

I'm so sorry OP.

Wow.

What on earth do you think you're going to gain pretending to yourself like this?

She's a scumbag and a whore who could have stopped the poor confused shy sweet man sending her a picture of his erection and telling her he wanted to fuck her brains out? Right.

Your husband is the whore here. Wake up and see it.

He's the only one who's cheated on you. HE is the scumbag.

Until you have the courage to see that and get angry about it, this won't move forward at all. Lying to yourself won't get you anywhere.

Your husband started this, pursued this person, HE is the one who is married to you and basically decided to stamp all over that.

The more you focus on her, the more hollow you will feel. It hurts like hell I know, but you can't re-imagine it away. This is about HIM.

I'm sorry OP - that was harsh I know.

But you are doing yourself no favours here. This is a metaphorical SHAKE to get you going.

He isn't a good man. He isn't 'shy', or 'sweet'. What he seems to be is a very, very good liar and a cheat. Who neither respects or loves you in the way I'd expect from a husband.

Get angry!

Nothing constructive to add, but just wanted to send , as I can't imagine how you must be feeling. But do focus your attention on him, not her.

It’s quite remarkable that you’ve managed to convince yourself that the woman your husband targeted and pursued is more to blame here than him.

I don't think I've seen so much minimising on a post like this, OP.

You need to direct your anger where it belongs, your 'D'H. Stop covering for him, stop saying how out of character it is because it clearly isn't. You said yourself that he instigated it, it even sounds like you're blaming your husbands 'dodgy' friend, your husband is the dodgy one!

Follow the advice on here and give him a short sharp shock, you'll soon see where the water lies and once you've had some space from him you can really decide what you want to do.

FWIW I'd be gone in a shot!

Fuck me, you need to give your head a wobble love-yes she's a cunt but so is the man you're married to.
Find your anger, how the fuck can you not confront him???
What's the alternative, keep your mouth shut until he has fucked her brains out? That would be a mistake of epic proportions don't you think?
Maybe you can forgive this, I couldn't & the fucker would've been gone fairly shortly after I'd found the messages.

Although it’s a natural defence mechanism in some people; you need to stop redirecting your anger towards her. Sure, she could have stopped him - but he should have never sexted her in the first place; and even if she had shut him down, what’s to say that he wouldn’t have got infatuated with someone else? She isn’t special. She’s his current obsession; and one he acted on. There will have been others, even if this is the first time that it’s gone so far.

I am sorry; but you need to confront your husband. You need to decide if you have a marriage left without requiring other women to enforce the vows that he took. That will never happen; in reality.

I don’t think it’s fair to give the OP a hard time for being more pissed at the woman right now. The news is still fresh and it’s much easier to deal with anger than hurting at this point.

There’s no rush. In a little while she will probably work through her anger at OW and then turn her full attention to the husband.

I've been where you are (though didn't see messages, they had sex in my lounge while I slept upstairs).

I NEVER saw it coming. EVER. 8 years on and it still hurts sometimes .

They're now married and have a 4 year old son.

My police caution only just came off of my CRB from where I confronted her

All I'm saying is that she knew he is my husband that's all. Yes he pursued her but I don't think he was really aiming for an affair, he just seemed obsessed (if I cross-reference the messages between those two and the texts with his mate). She actually did resist at first from what I can tell, but the bastard was extremely charming, showering with compliments non-stop

Your husband knew he was your husband too.
He's the one you had your vowels with, planned your life with.
She specifically is not the issue, if it wasn't her, there'd be another one.

Sorry this is happening to you op but why do you think he wasn't aiming for an affair? It seems exactly what he was aiming for, this wasn't some little crush which passed he actively pursued her and sent her cock photos! That seems like an affair to me.

If I was you I would boot him out today, if you stay with him your self esteem will be shot because you know you are second best.

Yes he pursued her

That right there would be the clincher for me. Pursuing another individual whilst already in a monogamous relationship is one of the most cunty acts possible. There's no way he could have further degraded himself than chasing after her.

How you're still furious at her (and ok, she's an arsehole for reciprocating) and not be reserving your ire for him is beyond me. Tell him to get the fuck out. Move his stuff from your home. Go NC until you're able to see this for what it is; this isn't about her, there could be a thousand other "hers". This is about his absolute disrespect and disloyalty. He's the only one married to you. He's the only one who swore "til death us do part" to you. He's the one you need to either get rid of or work through this with. Putting it onto the OW lets him get away with it.

If you keep up with the OW = whore narrative, you will come across as a troll.

Just a heads up.

If you want to vent, perhaps go somewhere else.

Stop defending him! He is a cheat and a scumbag and its his fault. He is the one who married you, not her. Obviously she has done wrong too but she doesnt have that commitment to you, he does.

Sorry but your being a total mug if you still think he is a good person, shy etc. He is texting a Mum from the school saying he wants to f* her brains out. Thats not shy. Thats not being a good person.

OP come off it. If it wasn't this woman it would be somebody else. SHE is NOT responsible for your husband WANTING to put his dick in somebody else.

HE is choosing to text her HE is choosing to send dirty pictures HE is choosing to fantasise after her. His loyalty and respect should lay with you but HE is choosing to go after this woman instead. In terms of your husbands actions It does not matter whether she is up for it or not, at the end of the day it's your husband that is going after another woman. He could've appreciated her from a distance like everyone else when they see somebody they find attractive but he never he has chosen to take it 10 steps higher and chase her.

She hasn't manipulated him, she hasn't cast a spell over him. She hasn't brainwashed him. He's a grown ass man who can make his own decisions and he is openly choosing to lie, disrespect and cheat on you and the only person to blame for that his him.

I mean this in the kindest way but get a grip and find a backbone and start blaming your husband for his actions not the woman.
You come across as incredibly naive - you think he wasn't after an affair? Really? What do you think he was after? A lesson on how to play the piano? He was sending dick pics and telling another woman he wants to fuck her brains out fgs of course he was after an affair! Or at the very least a shag

I understand your anger but stop calling this woman a 'whore' etc.

Your husband is not the shy sweet man you think he is and I can't believe you are minimising his actions.