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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:
PsychedelicSheep · 29/10/2017 10:33

What a horrible shock for you, you must feel awful Flowers

You can’t live your life pretending you don’t know what you know about him though. It will eat away at you and destroy your happiness and your sanity.

I agree with the suggestions of getting rid of the kids for the day and then hitting him with it, don’t give him a chance to prepare a load of bullshit excuses by letting on you need to talk or anything first. I know it’s painful and awful but it needs to be confronted for your sake.

notapizzaeater · 29/10/2017 10:33

He contacted her, not the other way round. Yes she’s at fault but the biggest blame here lays with your husband

bringbacksideburns · 29/10/2017 10:37

Stop hesitating and confront him today asap. Ring him now and ask him to come home and get someone to look after the children.

Tell him to pack a bag and get out whilst you decide what to do. Take back control.

But remember not to focus on the woman. Shy sweet men don't send photos of erections or tell friends they want to 'duck her brains out.'
Yuk.

debbs77 · 29/10/2017 10:41

How do you even know he isn't with her now OP?

Branleuse · 29/10/2017 10:41

Nothing wrong with blaming her, as long as its not putting all the blame on her and forgiving your slimeball of a husband

flutterby12 · 29/10/2017 10:43

I'd be gone. I could never trust him again. So sorry you are going through this. Flowers

timeisnotaline · 29/10/2017 10:44

The real cheating scumbag here is your husband, forget about the other woman. I agree with the scorched earth policy, but it sounds more like you're going to cook him his favorite dinner instead, because you think the poor sweet

timeisnotaline · 29/10/2017 10:44

Man has been led astray. Sorry two posts!

GoulishGoblinPumpkinSnatcher · 29/10/2017 10:45

Before you confront him about it you need all the evidence, so he can't deny it. Then see what he says and take it from there. Do what feels right. Sometimes guys do this for a thrill, a bit of excitement, whatever, I don't know his reasons for doing it. It is showing he is willing to cheat yes and upsetting. He might not of ever gone through with sleeping with her, we don't know. Might not have gone further than sexting. But he can't sext another woman, it's wrong.
As for whore bitch you will find it hard to confront her. But I'd let her know you know, and let her know her husband will know and take things from there.

schoolgaterebel · 29/10/2017 10:47

Screenshot everything, the minute he knows you know it will all be deleted and he will deny and minimise whatever he can.

Directing your anger at her is fruitless, she owes you nothing. Let her answer to her own DH and face the flaws in her own marriage (yes you should send the screenshots to her DH, he deserves to know)

Tell your DH to move out, pack his suitcase and get him out today.

You need time on your own, and talking to trusted friends and family, to gather your strength (without him around you) go and see a solicitor, establish where you stand financially.

Flowers
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/10/2017 10:48

I also agree with the 'scorched earth' principle. Your husband needs to feel immediate loss and immediate pain that the loss is ongoing.

If you carry on minimising the way you are you are going to seriously wrong-foot yourself in getting to the solution that you ultimately want because your beloved husband is a liar as well as a cheat.

Also, what others have said about you calling the OW a 'whore'. Please stop because your husband has caused this. All of it. If you carry on name-calling like that you'll just divert posters anger on your behalf, to you, because that is a vile name to call another woman.

I hope you'll find your anger before you speak to your husband OP otherwise I fear you'll launch yourself straight into the 'pick me' dance. And you'll lose.

LucieLucie · 29/10/2017 10:48

So sorry this has happened op.

He is not your friend.

He’s an actor who’s acted the part of a shy helpful husband to you while leading a double life as a seedy, confident womaniser.

I agree with pp that the blame lies with him 100%, if it wasn’t her he was sexting it would be someone else no doubt. It sounds like she’s given in to the flattery after being targeted.

I doubt very much that this will be the only indiscretion with your husband.

I would imagine he has other email accounts and a user of seedy sites as well.

Take screenshots of everything and email it all to yourself. Even change the password to his Facebook to stop him being able to log in a delete any evidence.

He’s a Jekyll & Hyde, you are married to only half a man.

GinIsIn · 29/10/2017 10:49

she knew he was my husband - um, pretty sure HE knows he's your husband too. Hasn't stopped him.

her husband deserves to know the kind of scumbag he's married - what about the scumbag you've married?

I know this is a massive shock but your anger is directed at the wrong person. The fault is with your husband. He's the one who owed you loyalty and respect and pissed all over that.

jeaux90 · 29/10/2017 10:49

OP when you do confront him don't let him minimise or shift the blame on to her either. It will be what you want to hear but you know it's not the truth.

schoolgaterebel · 29/10/2017 10:53

She is irrelevant (she may as well be a single woman who was unaware he was married) she owes you nothing. It is him who you married, have children with and him who owed you his loyalty, direct your anger at his betrayal. He pursued another woman and cheated (yes sexting and sending photos is cheating) he is scum.

Yes she is despicable, but her world is about to come crashing down (her own doing) don't waste your energy or integrity on her.

ElephantsandTigers · 29/10/2017 11:02

I think the person calling the OP "pathetic" is the pathetic one here. Don't be so cruel and bitchy.

OP, take your time. You've had a shock and need time to think. Just for now remember your husband is no longer your best mate and doesn't have your back. Get yourself some financial protection. Have someone you 100% trust know what has happened and do nothing other than what you want.

You don't have to listen to those saying they'd leave. That's fine. That's for them. You don't have to, you owe them nothing. If you want to leave, go, ifyou want him to go, make him. If you want to wait it out do that. It has to be what you want. It's only your life.

Desmondo2016 · 29/10/2017 11:10

Feeling you're getting a bit of a rough time here OP . SO sorry you've had your world rocked like this. Please keep posting, it's bound to take you a while to get your head around this and work out what it means from here.

SnowWhitesRestingBitchFace · 29/10/2017 11:12

I totally agree that the OP's anger should primarily be aimed towards her husband but how can anyone have a go at her for being agree with the woman in question as well?! Jesus Christ she's had a massive shock let her vent ffs this is meant to be a safe space!

jeaux90 · 29/10/2017 11:14

Snow venting is one thing. Calling the OW a whore whilst minimising her husband's behaviour is something most of us believe is not going to help the OP a jot.

Original poster
user58104372 · 29/10/2017 11:21

I'm sad more than angry. I've never had any of that sweet talking nor he's lusted after me the same we he's lusting after her

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 29/10/2017 11:22

I know you're afraid to confront him OP. Of course you are, the second you tell him you know, it all becomes real. And he will become a person you don't know. So it's natural to try to blame the OW, because then your DH can continue being the sweet shy guy you know, and this demonic OW is the one who tried to change him into a cocksure, dick-pic-taking, sex-maniac.

But it was him who did it really. It's always been in him, you just didn't see it. He did this, because he wanted to and thought he'd get away with it. Remember, HE WANTED TO.

lollipop7 · 29/10/2017 11:31

I’m not sure if you want moral support or to be advised as to what you need to do

The only moral support I can offer is I’m so sorry, what a terrible shock and the explicit nature of this hideous, illicit communication is as much of a betrayal and as bad to me as him actually doing it. He’s just taken a massive shit all over everything you hold dear and based your future on.

The only advice I could give you is on the basis of feeling crushed and unable to look him in the eye or ever trust him again then is that your marriage is over. Even if you don’t want it to be.

Please don’t call him a good man. He’s not. If he hasn’t slept with her already it’s just a matter of time.

And though the urge to confront this woman must be almost irresistible, I would personally rise above it though I know it will take superhuman restraint. Why land yourself in trouble when you are the victim?

Annoyed5678 · 29/10/2017 11:33

Why don't you just tell him to go and have sex with women as much as he likes don't worry about anything get himself checked regular, make excuses for him, forgive him time and time again have done with it because essentially that's what your saying to him, then don't complain that your not so keen anymore on the idea

Babymamamama · 29/10/2017 11:35

Am I the only one who wonders what kind of "odd jobs" the OP's "DH" would be up to today. With the greatest respect OP you sound very naive.

Teddy7878 · 29/10/2017 11:41

I think people are being overly harsh. It's a perfectly normal human reaction to want to defend someone you're in love with and cling onto the hope that they are the good person you thought they were, otherwise everything in your relationship up until now just seems like a pointless waste of time. It's especially hard when there is/was a happy family unit with children involved.
It's also normal to want to blame the other party as it's easier to believe that your DH was lead astray and didn't mean to do any of it, rather than believe the truth that your DH was the instigator and none of this would have happened if he hadn't aggressively pursued another woman.

I'm sure once the OP has had a few days to let it sink in she'll realise that he's behaved despicably and doesn't deserve any second chances with this. And if she decides to stay with him then that's her choice. I'd love to see some of you who are saying LTB leave your partners straight away if the same happened to you. You might think you would, but often it can be an incredibly difficult thing to do even if you know deep down you should