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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:
lollipop7 · 29/10/2017 16:21

I think you being sad and low key and very matter fo fact is far more effective than ranting a d screaming. The more upset and tumultuous you are the bigger the ego boost.
He won’t know what to do with himself if you shut down and just keep it very quiet but firm.

Though the urge to smash his head in must be incredible.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/10/2017 16:57

Have you screenshots of the messages?
Try and do this before you confront him.
Her DH should know.

Original poster
user58104372 · 29/10/2017 17:27

I have some yes. I didn't take screenshots as there was just too much and I couldn't bear to read it because of how explicit and tasteless it was. Just thinking about it makes me sick. He's helping with the DC now, is still have to think of what to say.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 29/10/2017 17:31

If you are going to confront him then please think about his likely reactions

Also realise he will let ow know and she will panic, might contact you, she might spread rumours etc

Just protect yourself

ivykaty44 · 29/10/2017 17:35

Also think about what outcome you want

Original poster
user58104372 · 29/10/2017 18:09

I don't know what I want yet. I'm so heartbroken. I don't think I'll be able to trust him again, he went the extra mile to figure out who this woman was, contact her and pursue her. Clearly it was calculated.

OP posts:
lou1221 · 29/10/2017 18:15
Flowers
Cambionome · 29/10/2017 18:15
Flowers
XJerseyGirlX · 29/10/2017 18:16

Op I'm so sorry. You do need to confront him though. It will just eat away at you otherwise x

NameWithChange · 29/10/2017 18:16

Also be prepared for him to lie about a lot of it. Details. It really would be in your best interest to take screenshots of all you can. They will be denied and deleted and you may drive yourself nuts doubting some of the things you read that you may have forgotten.

Sorry, I imagine it is terribly hard but just want you to be fully prepared.

NameWithChange · 29/10/2017 18:18

There really isn't any justification for what he has done. It is extremely deceitful and dishonest. I'm so sad for you, awful shock.

bringbacksideburns · 29/10/2017 18:18

Not just that but the disgusting vocabulary he used OP.

Stop worrying about what to say and just say it OP. Be strong for your kids.

It doesn't have to be a huge row. Just tell him to pack a bag and go to stay with family tonight because you have a lot of thinking to do and you don't want to speak to him right now. Then just show him the screenshots

I would be really interested in anything he had to say right now tbh.

Do not let him make you feel guilty or sorry for him either. You are in shock right now.

XJerseyGirlX · 29/10/2017 18:19

Op, I'm not suggesting you do this ... But, my friend saw messages on her husbands fone. She pretended to have just come off the fone to his ow's husband saying she had admitted it to him and he was calling to tell her. He had no choice other than to admit it ( although you have proof ) but it made it easier . She told him it was bollocks then

bringbacksideburns · 29/10/2017 18:19

I meant I wouldn't be interested in anything he had to say right now.

NameWithChange · 29/10/2017 18:20

Also, if you can really trust your best friend or your sister I would maybe speak to them first and see what their thoughts are. This is an awful lot for you to deal with on your own while you are so shocked and you owe him no loyalty at all to speak to him first - after what he has done.

Cary2012 · 29/10/2017 18:28

Bless you OP.

It's absolutely fine to not know what you want. You're in shock and reeling and your emotions will go from one extreme to the other. That's normal.

Take control. It is fine to tell him that you know and that you need time alone to process and decide what you want. He must, if this is to stand a chance, respect your decision to need time alone, which I think is crucial.

No panic, no major decisions. Take your time.
I wouldn't be able to forgive this, and would (and indeed did) kick his sorry arse into touch. But that's irrelevant; this is your marriage and your decision.

And yes, her DH must be told.

Original poster
user58104372 · 29/10/2017 18:35

I asked my sister if she thought he had changed. She couldn't see anything. I love my best friend but I know the OW through her so even though there's no real connection it doesn't seem right to me.

OP posts:
Mrsyorkie · 29/10/2017 18:49

You really need to talk to him about it. It's a horrible shock but it really doesn't matter whether you tell him you saw the messages or catch him red handed x

Wishfulmakeupping · 29/10/2017 18:58

Awful that he's done this op- it's the total lack of respect for you that would be the deciding factor if I were you. He's utterly disgusting.

Lillygolightly · 29/10/2017 19:08

It's ok to not know what you want to do yet, you don't need to know all the details right away, you can figure that out later. Also keep in mind how he reacts and what he says/does will be important to you in how you move on from this.

For now: confront him, burst the bastards bubble and watch him shit himself. I would strongly advise not giving all the details of what you know and don't know, let him wonder and dig his own hole with that one. All you need to say is "I know about OW and you and what's been going on. I don't know what sort of a mug you take me for but I will not stand for it, you need to leave"

I know it is scary asking him to leave but it will give you some things which I promise will be important to you in the future, for yourself whether you stay together or not. Asking him to leave shows you are serious in not standing for this behaviour, shows him you won't just roll over and be placated, will give you some dignity and self respect in the situation (honestly even if you forgive him and decide to stay together you will feel better that you didn't just roll over), it also gives him a sense of loss, shows him exactly what his has to lose and the real consequences of his actions.

Forgive too quickly and too easily and you leave yourself feeling like a mug. Months or years later when the dust has settled and you find yourself still angry and hurt, you will wish you had punished him more, especially if it any time it doesn't seem as though he appreciates just how lucky he is to have been given a second chance.

That is honestly the best and most impartial advice I can give. Also it's fine to be angry at the OW, but be angry at your husband, it is him that has broken your marriage vows. It is him that has initiated all of this and caused you all this pain. Whatever happens this will not be recovered from easily and he is to blame for that.

Itsonkyme · 29/10/2017 19:34

You really don't know your OH, he has a secret side to him that he shares with his creepy mate. He's got his kids, his house and his housewife/mummy. He never talked to you like he did to her because you are the baby mummy, the housewife, the boring one.
He gets his extracurricular kicks with other women, he will never stop, I'm telling you.
I went through same with my ex, kept forgiving him, until in the end he did it openly in front of me because he had no respect for me at all.
And I had lost every shred of self respect myself. I made myself physically and mentally ill because of this low life.

I'm fine now after I finally found the cold anger that I needed and threw him out and found my self respect.
Now when I think of how I behaved and demeaned myself for all those years, I feel sick that I did it to myself. It was like he had me under some sort of spell and I see him now occasionally and I wonder what I ever saw in him.
Btw, he married and had two kids. I bumped into a girl who's husband was still friendly with him and she told me he's had an affair with her husband's, married sister. She told me that her husband also knew that she wasnt the first but thought he had a cheek targeting his Sister. Leopards never change their spots!

Junebugjr · 29/10/2017 19:40

After going through something like this years ago, I agree with everything lillygolightly has posted.

I don't think you need to catch him 'red handed' either OP. That suggests you're looking for more proof. You don't need anymore, you've seen the texts. But I think your mind can't believe what he's done. What a bastard Flowers

Original poster
user58104372 · 29/10/2017 19:48

I'm still in disbelief even when I've seen photographic evidence of it all. It's just too much. I don't think there's any difference if they actually had sex or not, they clearly wanted to, they simply hadn't reached that stage yet. I also can't believe he actively pursued all of this. I think I would have been more forgiving if their relationship "just happened“ but no... He wanted all of this to happen, he didn't care about me at all.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 29/10/2017 19:56

Make sure you’ve got copies of all the messages - print them out if you can. He’ll delete them as soon as you show your hand.

Apileofballyhoo · 29/10/2017 19:59

So sorry, OP. You've had an awful, awful shock. All these thoughts are going to go around in your head, and it's good to keep posting because it lets them out a bit.