Caught DH sexting another woman

[user58104372]

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

Christ how did you not stab him? What about all the hopes and dreams you have or the hobbies and interests he didn’t share with you?? I’m sorry I dont believe a word of that it’s standard cheating bastard script I swear they might as well be one big homogenous mass!!

Do you think that's true or he's rewriting history to justify his actions?

Nope - she won't leave her dh and will be off trying to shag the next bloke who ogles her Lycra clad arse. Let him go.....and in a few months he'll realise and try to come crawling back - then tell him to fuck off

He's living in a fantasy and trying to justify it

I almost feel sorry for him. Even more disturbing is that he didn't notice her a few months ago, in his head it went on for years

You know OP, I’m sure I share an interest in rock music, nice food and good holidays with a lot of guys, doesn’t mean to say that it’s a match made in heaven !!! If he was that not into it all with you, I think you would have picked up on it, he is justifying being a shithead

Oh poor him, he's the victim in all of this. The world's smallest violin is playing the world's saddest song just for him.

Cheating, lying, pathetic bastard.

I'm sorry you had to listen to that. Don't put yourself through that ever again - communicate about the children, cut him dead on everything else. You don't need to hear it. Be kind to yourself xx

That is awfully hard to read, OP, I'm so sorry that he's dropped this brain dump on you so soon after leaving. However, it doesn't matter whether this is a script or whether it's true love. Who cares? You have a life to build of your own and, when you're ready, you're free to do that. He will continue to be a father to his children (which is more than many men are) so that's one less thing to worry about.

Now it's just extricating yourself from this marriage as painlessly (for you) as you possibly can. And as quickly as you can. You know how he feels - and you know how you feel. Bring it to an end - for your sake and your children's.

I hope you have some support in real life to get you through this, it's so hard to cope and it feels like it will never stop. But it will.

Oh God, OP.

Just sending you enormous hugs... endless hugs. My heart totally and utterly hurts for you.

And might I add, what a complete dick... and history revisionist!

He didn't feel trapped... not until her Lycra clad thigh gap stoked his fantasies. Now he feels trapped. How convenient. What a red hot mess of a man. Cry me a river!

Healing, loving hugs. Be present. Be strong as possible, OP.

So sorry OP. Very cruel what he has said and done.

He is trying to live out the fantasy now! What a load of bollocks. And what an absolute wanker!

There is no justification or excuse for behaving as he did. A decent person would have had a conversation with you a long time ago and been honest about how he was feeling. I'm not even sure he is telling the truth.

Try with all your strength to not think about it too much. I don't think he knows what the fuck he is doing so you won't be able to work it out anyway.

Does he think he is going to run off and form a happy family with her now? Did he mention her or her husband knowing?

Well, tough shit isn't it because she will be staying put and he'll be on his own in a studio flat. Diddums. What a dick.

She is everything he has dreamed of for years and he only last year stood in front of all family and friends (I presume) and made wedding vows to you?

What a lowlife. Surely if he felt that strongly the last thing he should have done was marry you??

Sorry, he thinks they’ve been having a relationship for years? And that their involvement is based on a mutual love of art and nature? He sounds more deranged by the day. As others have said, it’s all predictable revisionism though it must be very hurtful to hear.

He's a schmuck. He's deluding himself. Trying to justify what he's done. Trying to justify himself more than anything by the sounds of things. But he has to, you see. He has to make his actions seem credible. Otherwise he's made the biggest of his life for nothing.

And he has.

So the hurtful behaviour continues and he is showing himself to be the selfish dick that he is. You really didn't need to hear all that, he sounds relieved to have been caught. His fantasy is going to come crashing down at some point, he is utterly deluded at the moment.

You need to do what's right for you and start building a new life for yourself, see a solicitor and protect yourself, he is irrational and selfish and doesn't care one iota about you, don't count on him doing the right thing and acting like a decent human being during a divorce.

God this is just dreadful. It’s so hurtful.

Like you say you didn’t need to hear all this: but the fact you did is a clear indicator of the depth of his self absorption. When someone has refined their behaviours to this extent - in terms of creating that most toxic combination of betrayal and delusion (because it is delusion and he will realise one day) there is no stopping them they have no filter.

He is incapable of sparing your feelings as he has shown in many ways since you started this thread. And it will continue. That’s the fact of the matter.

My heart really does go out to you. To give everything of yourself, build a life with someone, give birth to their children and to be treated in this manner is crushing. I know. The only advice or support I can offer is to say that for me as every layer peeled back, from a distance, after I left, I could see the ugliness and just how far it pervaded. It made me realise that none of it was my fault. In that sense it really was all about him. When I realised that it equipped me with an ability to start seeing things for what they were, and to make decisions and think about what really mattered to me. Not him. The difference is your need for putting yourself first stems directly from his unforgivable transgressions whilst his is and always will be inexcusable. The scales will tip at some point, not now perhaps not for a while but it will happen.

Until then we are all here helping you get there.
I hope you manage to get some sleep and a bit of rest tonight. 💐

I expect you have lots of interests too, OP, but you don't get the time or space to indulge them on account of working , having kids and trying to maintain family life! We'd all, occasionally, like life to carry on as if we didn't have responsibilities, but we do, so we put it all on hold for the duration.
He should just come out and say it, he was bored and she was willing. That's all it is, however he tries to dress it up. Hope you're OK.

Thank goodness that you found out what this person you were living with was really like.
He was, a great man, very supportive of me, helps around house, great Dad.
Now you will not be wasting your life on the person who is none of those things.

I must say, besides everything else, he does sound a strange one.
He sounds quite unbalanced to me and especially now he's been caught out, actually telling you he's in love. Who would say that to wife of only a few days ago. Weirdo!

good grief what an utter Dick he is User

Hes a bit of a joker isnt he?

He really thinks he can waltz off into the sunset with her.
I think he's in for a surprise.

I'd make an appointment this week to see a solicitor and start proceedings asap but obviously that's your call.
I'd refuse to listen to anymore of his bullshit either and text him in future you only need contact 'Re kids and divorce and you have nothing more to discuss with him.

Taking back control will help. You need legal advice 're the house etc.

Hope you’re holding up OP. How are you feeling about things now?

I really believe he's going to come crashing back down to earth with an almighty bang. He's a prize wanker and you are well rid. He's going to be so sorry soon enough

Jesus, he's a twat. He's living in a parallel universe, OP. The OW will have feet of clay, and he will find that out - but too late for your marriage. As a PP said, pages ago, he will go from idolizing her to rejecting her. It's not love - you don't feel love for someone based on how their ass looks in lycra - he is infatuated.

I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a walking cliche of male inadequacy.