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Original poster

Caught DH sexting another woman

910 replies

user58104372 · 29/10/2017 05:11

Can't sleep as I just found this a few hours ago. DH is a great man, we've been together for 13 years, married last year two beautiful DC 5 and 9. He's always been very supportive of me, helped get a degree so I could become a teacher, helps around the house, great dad. I don't know how long it has been going on for, I had no interest in reading too many details if all the conversations they had on FB. She's a mum from school, we're not friends, but my best friend is friends with her, she's married and as far as I would know lives a happy life. I don't even know how they "met" , but it seems that one day DH noticed her and started obsessing over her. Of what I can tell from their messages (there were too many of them), he's the one who pursued her and she didn't put any resistance. I read how he called her "possibly the most beautiful human being on earth" for instance. At some point they started sexting, explicit messages telling her what he wanted to do to her and a photo of his erection. As far as I can tell, they actually haven't slept together but it seems like they both want/plan to. I don't know how to move forward from this. One part of me says it isn't cheating "nothing" has happened but it's not just the sexual content that upsets me, I'm so heartbroken he's so infatuated by her and that he actually pursued her. I never thought he was that type of man. I also see this woman at the school gate I'll have to control myself not to slap her.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/10/2017 11:47

I did Teddy. It was bloody hard but there was no other way. Either leave or just hand over my life and be stepped on until there was nothing left of it.

There are sadly very many women (and many posting here) who've had to face similar to what the OP is facing. I personally would post anything I could to get her NOT to do the 'pick me' dance and NOT to prostrate herself at her husband's rancid cock out of fear at the end of her marriage. He's disgraceful and has behaved in a despicable way to the OP. Yes, these posts reading these things about her husband are going to be extremely painful but soft-soaping isn't what OP needs. Not from my experience anyway.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/10/2017 11:48

Oh and I don't believe 'he just got lucky this time', I believe he's tried this before, perhaps got knocked back but this isn't the first time, just the first time he got caught.

harriettep123 · 29/10/2017 11:50

I stayed when my DH had an emotional affair 4 years ago as we’d been together since we were 17. I just caught hi. Out in a one night stand and filthy sexting stuff he’d never say to me, he also bragged to her that he HAD had sex with the first one in a Travelodge so I got a double whammy ! Seeing a solicitor tomorrow, wish I’d walked 4years ago . Good luck to you xxx

MeredithMorgan · 29/10/2017 11:52

Having been on the receiving end of lewd Facebook messages from married or taken pervs edging for a dirty conversation, and having NEVER risen to it except to tell them where to go and hitting the block button, I have a different perspective on this.

I think Facebook is dangerous in that filtered provocative photos can often get men riled up to the point sense goes out the window and they're thinking with their dicks - it's like for them an extension of porn, they're not even talking to a real person. It doesn't excuse anything at all, but I'm just saying that's possibly played a large part. You seem to be worrying a lot about never having been spoken to the way he is speaking to her, but she probably isn't even real to him in a sense if that makes you feel any better? He sees her out and about, dressed to impress, through heavy filters designed to titillate. It's pathetic as hell when grown men fall for this shit. (I'm assuming a lot here so please correct me if I'm wrong, maybe she's miss reserved)

Also it stinks of mid life crisis to me. He sees her attentions as an ego boost and shares them with his friends boastfully. If he were seriously in love surely he wouldn't be speaking like this?!

He basically sounds like a weak manchild, on this basis I wouldn't want to be married to him. Don't take it so personally my love, please. It breaks my heart to see you so saddened by this, your anger for her is borne out of misplaced 'envy' that she has his attention, so your calling her a whore, lessening her probably makes you feel better in a sense but she isn't a whore. She is weak and probably just really insecure, plus disloyal and doesn't stick by morals. A delight to be with no doubt 😉 . Let him knock himself out trying to date her for real and seeing what's under the veneer.

You're remarkably controlled by the way, I would have fraped the hell out of his account and posted their conversations publically on his timeline for all his friends to see, before throwing him and his belongings out of the house. Classy bird I am...

magoria · 29/10/2017 12:05

If he has dodgy friends that tells you EXACTLY what your Hs moral standard are.

He chased her.

She turned him down.

He chased her and chased her. He is the whore.

This is your H.

The sooner you realise this the easier it will be for you to deal with it.

ohfourfoxache · 29/10/2017 12:12

You sound in complete shock op Sad

It's only been a few hours, you need time to process this. But as you do, remember that he is the one who took vows to you. He is ultimately at fault here.

Keep posting- there is so much support to be had on here

WhoWants2Know · 29/10/2017 12:26

It’s true that the other woman didn’t have to accept his advances.

But even if she hadn’t, would your situation be any better?

If you had found messages that showed him pursuing and her roundly rejecting him, your trust in him would still be broken.

lou1221 · 29/10/2017 12:51

Have you got anyone in rl to turn to? Your best friend? Family? Get someone to have the kids, get your evidence together and hit him with it. This is probably not the first time he's done something like this, he's chased her, he's bragged to a mate, he is not the person you thought he was. Deal with this today. Good luck x

Annoyed5678 · 29/10/2017 12:53

Be interesting if he found messages you wrote to another man would he make excuses for you then?

flumpybear · 29/10/2017 13:03

Personally I’d tell him he’s got the kids all day as somethings come up, spend the day sitting your finances out and documentation, of pack his bag too then when he returns I’d tell him he’s booked into a hotel or his parents will be expecting him as he’s scum! I’d also have screen shot messages and shared them with OW husband too - fuck her life up too

Don’t leave the house as you did no wrong, he needs to leave

ivykaty44 · 29/10/2017 13:10

Op there are lots of messages telling you what to do

Just remember that this is your life and take your time

You have to do what you want to do

user1469953227 · 29/10/2017 13:16

It sounds like you are going to stay you will probably confront him & my guess is he shall turn this into your fault and you will actually start to believe that it is. I would be very surprised if this was the first time he has done or for that matter be the last time.

The only thing you did wrong is that you trusted him (as you should be able too).

My advice (for what its worth)is I would not say anything and get your house in order - check him out properly and be prepared to find more. Take a look at finances etc and then give this some thought. Get a trusted friend on board for support - you also have mumsnet.

Don't be me and stay 20 odd years making excuses for the complete and probably narcissistic dick you are with. You deserve so much more - he has not lusted for you in that way etc - so you are just good enough to be housewife, general scivvy etc - you deserve so much more everyone does.

Based on your responses it sounds like you shall be staying and believe all the shit he shall feed you. Will you ever trust him again ? Will you start checking his stuff now ? It will drive you crazy. I understand you are devastated I totally get it but life is short and all that.

I hope this does not sound too harsh and I wish you best of luck.

TheStoic · 29/10/2017 13:31

It sounds like you are going to stay you will probably confront him & my guess is he shall turn this into your fault and you will actually start to believe that it is.

My guess is that they’ll both turn this into the OW’s fault.

Anecdoche · 29/10/2017 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dontletthewitchesgrindyoudown · 29/10/2017 14:13

Stoic, really? I think the Op has been quite clear that her husband has made the first moves here. And the OW resisted at first.
But it is her fault too. Of course it is. He's the worst, in the Ops case, he had his own family to lose. But any self respecting man or woman who wanted to have be with someone else would leave their partner/make sure the other person had left their partner before starting the relationship. He didn't think about the consequences and neither did the OW.

I'm so sorry Op!

Dontletthewitchesgrindyoudown · 29/10/2017 14:14

I mean OW and husband fault. Not Op.

TheStoic · 29/10/2017 14:15

Well the OP has already turned it into the OW’s fault. Her husband will grab on to that and run with it.

SandyY2K · 29/10/2017 14:16

the other woman didn’t have to accept his advances

But even if she hadn’t, would your situation be any better?

^^ Excellent point.

CAAKE · 29/10/2017 14:25

I’ve never had any of the sweet talking or lusting he’s giving her (etc).**

Get.* Rid.* Now.

Apileofballyhoo · 29/10/2017 14:44

How horribly hurtful that he has never sweet-talked you or lusted after you. Whatever the reason, you deserve far better than this.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 29/10/2017 14:55

I honestly don't know if I could look my dh in the eye again having read the disgusting messages he sent this woman! He and his hopeful f*k buddy are both an absolute disgrace!! Shi**ng on their own doorsteps, making school awkward for both you op and the ow dh, meaning sports days, concerts, pick up time, coffee mornings and parents evening will all be tainted by their disgusting betrayal!

I would be confronting your dh right away op! Ask a friend/ relative to watch your children and give your pathetic excuse for a husband hell!!!
No kind, decent, loving husband or Father would ever consider betraying their wife and children like that! Please don't let him downplay this! He is a lying, cheating, whore master and I would not believe a single word he says!! Look up the script on here, as you are about to hear it! Look up also gas lighting and the re writing of history! You are about to be blamed for everything from world hunger to the national debt! Remember this though!! You are not responsible for his decisions or his weaknesses! Only he is responsible!!!

SunnyS76 · 29/10/2017 15:28

I am so so sorry you’ve had to go through that OP! Whatever happens, he is in the wrong and betrayed you. Please do not let him convince you that it was your fault( I’ve seen it happen many times before). You are the victim and they should be both exposed. Loads of love, and hope you can be strong and face the confrontation with anger and dignity. X

NameWithChange · 29/10/2017 15:42

What a horrible shock for you. So much to take in.

Do you know what you want to do next?

Original poster
user58104372 · 29/10/2017 16:14

Sorry all. I had my sister come o we and be with our DC. He's back from work and we'll some supper. I know they chat in the evenings so was thinking of catching him red handed, as I'm sure he'll be chatting to her again. I'm just so disappointed in him and sad, I can't get angry and I don't even understand why. I thought we were happy.

OP posts:
NameWithChange · 29/10/2017 16:19

Think through how you are going to do this because once the can of worms is opened it won't go back in. Flowers