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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

454 replies

revolution909 · 15/08/2017 20:45

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 15/08/2017 21:34

Yeah I see how that's a problem
It's all about loyalty and she's put herself in the middle of you both for some reason

I think you should try to make some new friends

histinyhandsarefrozen · 15/08/2017 21:35

I would say to dh, "oy, go and find your own mates". Have you told him how you feel?

PowerPantsRule · 15/08/2017 21:39

Affair or not, I would hate this! There are so many people in the world why do they have to be 'besties'? I think you are being very tolerant, not many would be!

Looneytune253 · 15/08/2017 21:42

Why do you need someone to rant about your oh to?

Starlighter · 15/08/2017 21:43

I wouldn't like this one little bit... does your DH know how you feel?

Original poster
revolution909 · 15/08/2017 21:44

Yeah, we had a long chat about it! DH did offer to distance himself from her but thought that was a bit extreme, and well they're friends! We see her / her DH all the time so it's not like he can just disappear from her life. Also he denies it, but I know he appreciates having her as a friend, so I think that would be unfair too. Of course I could try to be her DH's BFF ut that would be just bizarre, ha!

OP posts:
Original poster
revolution909 · 15/08/2017 21:47

We all need to vent about our OH's, that's just normal! Oddly enough I do listen to her when she has something to say about hers, but I've noticed whenever I've tried about mine she just gives short answers or changes the subject (and it didn't use to be this way!)

OP posts:
Liara · 15/08/2017 21:49

This is a bit weird. Dh's best friend is now also my best friend. Dh hasn't lost him, his is still as close to him as ever, in fact much closer as he often comes and stays with us (we live away), which he wouldn't if he wasn't friends with both of us.

Why would you need to rant about your dh to her?

TheweewitchRoz · 15/08/2017 21:49

You're a better person than I am Op as I'd be clearly telling my DH to back off. Still do things as a foursome but otherwise she's your friend & your DH needs to disengage.

Liara · 15/08/2017 21:49

if I ever need to vent about DH, I do it to him!

highinthesky · 15/08/2017 21:51

This is dangerous. Watch her cuckoo you out of the picture.

TheweewitchRoz · 15/08/2017 21:51

IMHO, the venting about her DH isn't the issue - it's that she used to have a very close friend & now they're not as close as there's a 3rd person in the mix (Ops DH) & therefore things are no longer how they used to be.

Viviennemary · 15/08/2017 21:52

No affair involved. I've seen this happen before. If there isn't an affair now it's very possible there soon will be. I hope I'm wrong though.

Original poster
revolution909 · 15/08/2017 21:54

Well I don't have a "perfect" marriage, petty things like not loading the dishwasher for example. It used to be that we would talk about HIS anxiety, (she suffers from it too) so she always helped me with her advice based on her experience. But she definitely doesn't want to be as involved. Don't get me wrong as a group of four (so both couple) we're extremely close. We talk about everything and nothing, we genuinely miss each other when it's been a while, etc.. I get where she's coming from, so i don't push it.

OP posts:
Snoozlecorn · 15/08/2017 21:55

Download the 'mush' app and give that a go. It's for meeting other mums in your area and I've been finding it great now I'm pg with my first. There's also 'meetup' if you have/would like to try any hobbies x

pigeondujour · 15/08/2017 21:56

I wouldn't trust a friend who'd sit on the fence between me and a partner as far as I could throw her.

Original poster
revolution909 · 15/08/2017 22:03

And genuinely no concerned about affair... he genuinely doesn't find her attractive (he's that blunt!) Unless they fall in love? Which has crossed my mind but she adores her DH, so I really don't think so

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 15/08/2017 22:05

I have a very bad feeling about this OP.. your husband is not helping atall.. this really isn't appropriate... and I'd struggle to call this person a Friend any longer...

pigeondujour · 15/08/2017 22:07

he genuinely doesn't find her attractive (he's that blunt!)

Oh aye. How'd that come up?

histinyhandsarefrozen · 15/08/2017 22:07

When did they first become closer?

Original poster
revolution909 · 15/08/2017 22:11

DH doesn't help as in when he's being honest he'll tell me how much he appreciates their friendship, and he doesn't want it to get it wrecked. However, he has also offered to back off, so we can get back where we used to be, but i just think that would be odd given how the four of us are friends. I'm friends with her DH (not as close of of course), but I'm certainly closer to him than my DH is.

OP posts:
Liara · 15/08/2017 22:11

I am absolutely flummoxed by everyone's reaction to this.

Dh's and my best friend has told us both 'please don't divorce, it would put me in an awful position, as I would feel totally torn in my loyalties'.

He is a fantastic friend to both of us. There is no chance in hell that he and I would ever have an affair (would be like shagging my brother!).

Dh is also very close to my sister, who is my other closest friend. They regularly have long chats, etc. I am very happy about this, as she is a great friend to him.

Neither of us has lost anyone, we have both gained each others' closest friends. I do not understand the viewing of friends as property at all.

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 15/08/2017 22:15

This happened to a friend when his wife became friends with his best friend. The wife and the best friend are now together. He didn't find her attractive either Hmm

Just keep an eye out.

Original poster
revolution909 · 15/08/2017 22:16

It happened this year, I can't pin point when (I think maybe around Easter?) DH and I are very open about everything... Although yesterday we were talking about who was more attractive X or Y and then I mentioned the friend in question and said he wouldn't comment. But no overall, I'm not slightly concerned about that, he genuinely worships me in that way

OP posts:
TheweewitchRoz · 15/08/2017 22:24

Please don't be so naive Op - not saying anything has or will go on, but at least recognise the potential is there.