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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

454 replies

revolution909 · 15/08/2017 20:45

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 16/08/2017 00:19

You may be right OP that there's nothing physically there between them.

But getting close to my DH to the point that I can't share issues anout him with her any more would cross a boundary for me. I'm not sure what the boundary is. It just doesn't feel right.

It would be different if she'd been his friend first and you'd never had this dynamic.

DoJo · 16/08/2017 00:21

I suppose I have done this the other way - I have sort of appropriated my husband's best friend who is now one of my best friends. The difference is that she is female, so nobody has ever thought to accuse me of having an affair with her.

OP - I don't know what to say. I have sympathy with both of you in this situation and I feel for you given that everyone here seems to think that there must be an affair on the cards. I'm not sure that is the case, but I think you probably need to consider broadening your friendship circle so that you aren't so reliant on this friend to vent about your husband.

JenTheSprtacusPuppy · 16/08/2017 00:22

Just a though, I guess as you've talked about her looks with your dh a few times, then she could have done the same with hers, if hes been telling her the same as your dh that he doesn't fancy you and he then says otherwise when drunk, and youve said there's a bit of chemistry between you and her husband, could she be keeping you at a distance from her husband by distancing herself from you? Like many pps are suggesting you do?

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 00:22

@Jen yes, both husbands have complimented both wives. I've told him he looks like Tom Hardy so I guess that counts too!

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 16/08/2017 00:24

Tom Hardy looks like Olly Murs imo.

RidingWindhorses · 16/08/2017 00:26

(So not the point)

ImIncognito · 16/08/2017 00:26

DH and I have a couple as close friends who are equal friends to both of us. The level of friendship between the 4 of us is pretty even as we all met at the same time. So there's no history of being someone's friend first.

However, me and the lady friend tell each other girly secrets and would always have each other's back as a priority over our DHs any time. Woman solidarity!!

And - this is a big AND - at no point EVER have DH and I discussed how attractive we find our friends. The fact that this is a conversation you seem to be having on a regular basis is just weird. Very very weird. How much your DH does or does not fancy the friend is on your mind too much. It's also on his mind too much.

This is not going to end well.

Shankarankalina · 16/08/2017 00:27

Perhaps she has just grown uncomfortable about being the one you rant to about him. Regardless of gender and any speculation about hidden desires, maybe she just feels a fraternal loyalty to him and doesn't want to be privy to criticism of him. It is interesting that she has been helpful and informative about the mental health side of things, but that doesn't mean she wants to hear you giving out about him not filling the dishwasher.

I've got uncomfortable in the past about friends doing this. Happy to give tea and sympathy, but there are things I just don't want to hear.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 00:29

Jen I would understand that if all of us stopped seeing each other (but I just don't see that happening.) Maybe it's that she could be jealous and unconsciously has gotten closer to my DH as payback? But I just don't see it, she doesn't seem that type of person.

OP posts:
Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 00:33

@Shanka that's more or less how I feel. She's developed some sort of fraternal loyalty and there are things she'll help with and others that just seem petty. But there's definitely been a shift.

OP posts:
Zucker · 16/08/2017 00:41

Do you generally rate yourselves against other couples or just this couple? Do you honestly think people only have affairs with the beautiful people?

Beware of saying anything bad about your DH to her. She will all to willingly become the shoulder to lean on, so understanding of the problems in your marriage. How many times have we read on this forum about men having affairs with women who "just get them"?

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 00:46

@Zucker it's something we've always done. Like he'll ask me "am I as big as him?" or he'll tell how I look like someone or whatever. And he's never has an issue with saying x or y are gorgeous.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 16/08/2017 00:47

It's definitely possible to have friends of the opposite sex where there is no chemistry and it's completely platonic. I've had some very good friendships with men and DH and I have some good friendships with couples, where there's been absolutely no hint of flirting or sexual tension of any kind.

So yes, you may well be right and your DH and your friend are just good pals, and it's nice that you're supportive of that.

SandyY2K · 16/08/2017 00:49

I'd keep her away from your DH. I'd also stop ranting about him to her. You don't know how many affairs have started that way... Where the friend goes back and tells the husband what his wife has been saying

Best rant on here instead.

As many have said you're rather naive. That your DH wouldn't comment on her attractiveness is something of a clue.

Affairs are based on more than looks.

Many women have affairs with short baldy overweight men, who are less attractive than their husbands.

It's about how these men make them feel and common interests. The men may even be crap in bed, but they lavish attention and provide emotional support to the married woman.

Don't underestimate it and don't think you'll spot the chemistry between them. They could easily hide it to avoid suspicion.

I'm not saying anything is definitely happening... But don't believe it never would or isn't happening.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 01:04

Now you've all got me all worried... Well not worried as I've always thought that if he ever strays it's his decision, but got me thinking about how she might feel/think about my DH.

OP posts:
Mittens1969 · 16/08/2017 01:11

It's worth being wise about it. They could just be friends, as I said, but it always pays to keep your eyes open.

But we wouldn't want you to be paranoid either, it could also be entirely innocent.

lavenderhoney · 16/08/2017 01:28

How have they become so close then? Do they spend time alone together? and text each other etc?

distance yourself a bit, as a couple too, activities and stuff with DC, going out doing interesting things as a couple will dilute things. And looks aren't everything.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 06:31

Sometimes she just visits for a coffee and he's usually around so they talk. Sometimes when all of us meet they get to spend some time together

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 16/08/2017 06:39

You're right to be worried.

Piratesandpants · 16/08/2017 06:44

Take him up on his offer to distance himself. You should too.

sofato5miles · 16/08/2017 06:50

She has told you that she is no longer your friend, so listen to her.

Invite other people around and look to make a new strong female friendship.

Btw telling your spouse that you think that a possible affairee is unattractive/ don't fancy them/ boribg/ fat/ ugly is a classic deviation tactic.

NancyJoan · 16/08/2017 06:54

I've no idea whether there is anything iffy going on, but you definitely need more than one friend!

Running club sounds good, and try a school mum again. Not as a group, it's too general and you just talk school stuff. There must be one of them who you think you have something in common with.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 07:10

Yeah, I think I should try the mums again. Just like everywhere else everything is mega cliquey and I've found myself in the "working mums" clique which is fair enough. I do need a good group of friends, the sort that will invite me to nights out and that sort of "girly" things. I've realised I've become too dependent on her as a friend, which is not ideal.

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 16/08/2017 07:13

Has my dp ever asked me if I'm attracted to his friend Jen? No he hasn't, he once asked if he had anything to worry about. But I don't think either of us have ever asked the other, if they find someone attractive.

How long have you all been friends Op? I've two friends from primary school, who I tell anything to. I can't ever imagine either of them being better friends with my dp than me. But I wouldn't really complain about my dp to more mutual friends.
I'm not sure dp, really discusses me or our relationship with his friends (I've never asked though). The one I'm good friends with has made it clear he wouldn't be a go between though (we had some issues when dd was born) and I never discuss my relationship with dp, with him. If my dp tells him things, he doesn't tell me.

You mention your dh's anxiety, does your friend share this? Could she be finding you being critical of him, as you bring critical of too?

Do honestly you think you're more attractive than your friend? Do you think her partner is more attractive then her? You've already said you're more so than your dh!
You do seem a little obsessed with attractiveness (sorry, but that's how you come across!) maybe your dh and friend, don't feel good enough and that's what's drawing them closer. If that's the case I'd be careful!

Iamthinking · 16/08/2017 07:28

Yes, dependence on one friend is not good, whatever is happening in the rest of your life. Too many eggs in one basket.
Also, it makes you more interesting if there are more things and people in your life.
If you like active things running is an obvious one. How about building up to a triathlon?(!) Open water swimming? I have seen the open water swimming in events at our local reservoir, and it is massively social. I really would like to be those people but without having to get in the cold water. Ever.
Are there any team sports that you could get involved in near you? They might be more sociable?