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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

454 replies

revolution909 · 15/08/2017 20:45

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

OP posts:
HeyRoly · 15/08/2017 23:18

I would feel very suspicious if my best friend suddenly became "equal best friends" (for want of a better term) with my husband. That's weird.

It's one thing to be good friends with your best friend's partner, but that's not what you're describing. For her to feel like she's caught in the middle suggests that her loyalties are split between the two of you.

Marinade · 15/08/2017 23:19

Goodness.you are being a bit dozy here. People don't just switch alliances for no reason
There is something bubbling under the surface and you would be a fool to ignore it.

justgivemethepinot · 15/08/2017 23:20

Oh dear I see where this is heading, open your eyes a little more OP.

MsLexicon · 15/08/2017 23:21

hmmm watch this space is what I say

GabsAlot · 15/08/2017 23:21

how long hav u known your friend and is it longer than youve been with dh

TattyCat · 15/08/2017 23:22

Op, what do YOU want to happen here?

You absolutely are being naive if you think that there's no potential for an affair here. I don't know how old you are, but for those of us who have been there and done that, we've also eaten the t-shirt.

Looks don't even enter into it, I'm afraid. You're basing your assumptions on something very, very shallow, so just expect this 'issue' to grow. You are already uncomfortable with it, and all your posts are justifying their behaviour. Sorry, but wake up.

Yes, men and women can be just friends. But not in these circumstances and not in this underhand way.

Sprinklestar · 15/08/2017 23:24

Affair written all over it!

ferando81 · 15/08/2017 23:25

Maybe when you rant about your husband she thinks your wrong.You maybe overcritical -maybe your the one at fault and not your partner.She might have heard his side of the story and judged that you are in the wrong -worth considering

Original poster
revolution909 · 15/08/2017 23:25

Yes her feet! And no... My DH can't get his hands off me so nope, there's no way he finds her more attractive than me. When I see them I see siblings who really get along, I've actually said this in the past to him. There's simply no chemistry of that type between them.

OP posts:
ridingsixwhitehorses · 15/08/2017 23:26

I think he is having an affair with her. If not a sexual one then an emotional one.

Happytobefree17 · 15/08/2017 23:31

Agree that it does sound like an affair of some sort.

Original poster
revolution909 · 15/08/2017 23:32

But they don't text (I mean they have but it's all been very innocent!) Her husband and I have more tension / chemistry than those two!! And yes what I feel is that her loyalties are now split. I think that's normal when you have friends in common. Which is basically what's happening here!

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 15/08/2017 23:36

My DH can't get his hands off me so nope, there's no way he finds her more attractive than me. When I see them I see siblings who really get along, I've actually said this in the past to him. There's simply no chemistry of that type between them

I'm sorry but you are very naive .

Just because your husband gropes you / you have lots of sex don't mean he can't or won't cheat on you.

Just because you haven't spotted any sparks between them doesn't mean it's not there.

fullofhope03 · 15/08/2017 23:38

I think he is having an affair with her. If not a sexual one then an emotional one
Agree this might happen/be happening.
And as TattyCat said, looks don't have much to do with it.
Am showing my age here, but I remember when Michael Hutchence left the model Helena Christenson for Paula Yates and (very foolishly and spitefully) people just couldn't believe why. This was purely based on a ridiculous and shallow assumption that he'd 'downgraded' by wanting to be with Paula. Obviously the whole thing ended terribly tragically, but my point is, sometimes there is a meeting of minds, souls whatever. And being able to really talk to someone and open up, find someone gets you, is intoxicating beyond belief. So please be careful.

SwimmingInLemonade · 15/08/2017 23:41

Affairs are based on so much more than looks. Keep her away from him!

Original poster
revolution909 · 15/08/2017 23:54

OK maybe that assumption was/is shallow. But I just can't see it. I just see a really nice friendship (in fact I got "jealous" on my birthday that they clearly have a nice friendship and I don't have the same). Although since then I could genuinely say that I also have a good friendship with her DH, not as close of course, but I feel I could definitely count on him. My mum did warn me about this in the past but I just couldn't /can't believe it

OP posts:
Original poster
revolution909 · 15/08/2017 23:57

And to think I started this thread because I miss my confident :(

OP posts:
JenTheSprtacusPuppy · 16/08/2017 00:00

Her being friends with him is fine. Her changing the dynamic of your friendship to be friends with him is odd and is why so many pps are saying to keep eyes open.

I'm friends with my best friends husband, my friend can still talk about her husband to me because our friendship hasn't changed.

You all sound like you've all discussed each other's looks a lot and if you find each other attractive. It sounds like you've all thought of each other sexually to be honest if your asking each other who is the best looking etc. You've said her dh has said you are attractive and that he said most men find you attractive.. that would creep me the fuck out, it implies her husband has been talking about you with other blokes.

I don't know if dh and your friend fancy each other, but if they did, they wouldn't tell you about. He's prob do the opposite if you asked him.

Him on her breasts is odd, why would they terrify him? If he doesn't find her attractive then he'll not be imagining them naked will he.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/08/2017 00:00

I suspect that your DH may be being honourable (at the moment) but her intentions are less so.

I think it would do you good to both distance yourselves from her and be clear with her as to why.

Just because you dont want to believe it doesnt mean that it wont happen, hiding in plain sight as it were.

Emboo19 · 16/08/2017 00:01

Well I think men and women can just be good fiends, so don't necessarily see an affair. I've become very good friends with one of my dp's friends, we share a interest and get on really well. I'll meet him for a coffee sometimes and we'll text or message on social media, I've even been out for drinks with him when dp's been away. It's totally platonic, but I've never really thought about if it's changed their friendship at all, but I guess it might have done.

I don't think it's just about looks either though, so wouldn't base the probability of an affair on that.
Do you and your dh have shared interests? Do you and your friend?

JenTheSprtacusPuppy · 16/08/2017 00:01

Oh bollocks,
That should say him commenting on her breasts, not him on her breasts.

Mittens1969 · 16/08/2017 00:07

Maybe you are right atm. The friendship is still dangerous territory as it might lead to something that neither of them meant to happen. I think they're being unwise to let such an intense friendship develop between them to the extent that your friend feels 'divided loyalties'. That would worry me.

It may be just a friendship for now. But if your mum has warned you about it, and often someone from the outside looking in can see things more clearly than the people involved.

I also think you do need to work at building new friendships. You've clearly let yourself become too dependent on one friend, there will be other like-minded people out there.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 00:10

Jen her DH has said this while drunk. It wasn't him who said most men find me attractive (that was my DH). DH has always been blunt about who he finds attractive I thought it was odd at first but after 8 years of being together I'm used to it.

OP posts:
JenTheSprtacusPuppy · 16/08/2017 00:12

@emboo19

I agree and feel that men are no women can be friends, but I do think it can be a red flag if a friendship changes in dynamics like OP describes. Has your dh all asked you both If you find each other attractive? I think that both husbands have been commenting on the women looks for whatever reason is the part that makes it not sound totally platonic.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 00:19

Yes I definitely need new friends, no question about it! Yes, they do have shared interests they really get along

OP posts: