Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

454 replies

revolution909 · 15/08/2017 20:45

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 16/08/2017 10:37

It's all way way too incestuous. And way too intense.

TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 10:39

Even if you don't buy the book, I would strongly recommend you go on Amazon and read the 'look inside' bit.
You get to read the first couple of pages for free, which is enlightening in itself.

TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 10:41

'especially the Introduction

NewDaddie · 16/08/2017 10:51

This already sounds like an emotional affair. Your friend may not be getting the attention she needs from her own marriage so she's annexed yours.

It's not on.

This it's going to sound rude but OP you really need to grow a pair. And BOTH of you need to distance yourselves from your friend. The current setup is toxic and could get much much worse even if dh never sticks his penis in your friends vagina.

Use the time that you free up avoiding your friend to focus on spending time as a family/couple. Spend time getting to know your dh friends and get involved in the things he likes doing.

Emboo19 · 16/08/2017 11:02

Am I missing something or am I just naive. Why is it an emotional affair and not just friendship?
The op says they usually only meet in the group, not sending lots of texts etc! I have a few male friends and from what the op has put on here, I'm closer and spend more 1 on 1 time with all of them. They're friends though and I'm not having any type of affair!

JetBoyJetGirl · 16/08/2017 11:02

I'm not the friend in this actual scenario, but I am the friend in a similar scenario.

I find some of these responses a bit ridiculous.

I met her first and we became good friends. Good, strong, grown up female friends. She's supportive and kind and funny. And then I met her husband and we hit it off too. Our friendship is different. We are drinking buddies, we watch films together and we share a hobby.

I certainly do not fancy him. He's an attractive man, I'm not blind, but I'm not attracted to him. And the only reason I can hang around with him in the capacity I do is because I know he isn't in the slightest bit interested in me.

She trusts me and she trusts him. I trust him. And I value that trust in her.

I can't imagine how awful it would be if people around were suggesting to her that there was more going on!

Emboo19 · 16/08/2017 11:08

Exactly JetBoy One of my male friends is visiting next week and he'll be staying over at mine (on the sofa) my dp has no issue with it, even though he's working away! We have a day out planned with my dd and if I can get a babysitter we'll go for drinks one night.

JetBoyJetGirl · 16/08/2017 11:13

I've also just read the introduction to 'Not "Just Friends"' and, I have to say, I still don't see how someone can accidentally fall into an affair with someone!

I think people are always aware of when they are getting too close to, or crossing, boundaries. I think they just choose to ignore it because it suits them to.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 11:16

I hear you emboo and jet my very very best friend in life is a guy! OK he lives an ocean apart, but nobody knows me like he does. We've been friends for 17 years!

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 16/08/2017 11:17

In this case OP feels worried, feels pushed out and there is evidence that her H and friend are talking about very personal stuff. That's different from just meeting in a group and/or sharing hobbies/interests and doing those together.

Emboo19 · 16/08/2017 11:32

I think the op first posted as she missed having a friend to vent to about her dh. I've maybe missed the sharing very personal stuff though. But what's too personal? I don't really have much difference in what I tell my good male friends compared to my good female ones. Other than one who is my dp's brother and one who's his friend, so I don't talk about sex with either of them two, well not my sex life anyway I'd talk in general about it.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 12:35

Yeah I've actually never been worried about their "closeness“ it was more that I missed someone I could confide in.

OP posts:
TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 14:36

revolution, you have made your mind up that there is no potential for an affair and have alignedn with the posters who's comments match what you already think. quite common I believe
So there's not really any point the rest of us posting.
(even though 80% of posters have said to keep an eye open)

I really do hope for your sake that most of us are wrong.
Good luck.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 14:41

@TeamCercei I know where you're coming from, but without giving full context I would always have thought that the "sparks" would be between her DH and I, not the other way around, so maybe that's why I just can't see it? I admit that we're all so close that the bonds and the lines could have been crossed, but given what has happened between DH and I, I just don't think my DH is capable of having an emotional affair

OP posts:
toldmywrath · 16/08/2017 15:03

Today 00:46 revolution909

it's something we've always done. Like he'll ask me "am I as big as him?"

Please could you clarify this comment OP? I hope I've got it wrong, but is your DH asking about the size of your friend's DH penis? And if so, how would you know?

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 15:13

No he's just asking is he's as fat to out it bluntly

OP posts:
toldmywrath · 16/08/2017 15:15

Whoops total misunderstanding in my part, sorry OP
Blush

toldmywrath · 16/08/2017 15:16

"on" my part not "in" blooming autocorrect.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 15:24

Totally understandable! He's actually quite confident in that area!!

OP posts:
TheweewitchRoz · 16/08/2017 15:45

I thought the same thing Told Grin.

Op, I hope we are all wrong re affair, all I would say is keep your eyes open - my dad cheated on my mum after 30 years of marriage with a good friend who she was sure it was all innocent with (I'd pointed out a few times I didn't think their closeness was 'right' but she'd dismissed me as saying she was confident there was nothing to worry about as dad would never do that). That's where my naive comment came from - anyone is capable of an affair (sadly) so please don't be foolish to think your marriage is somehow resistant to one.

Anyway, good luck finding new friends - you sound lovely so I'm sure that'll happen.

SonicBoomBoom · 16/08/2017 15:45

Do you have a thing for your friend's DH, and it's a guilty conscience that's making you sensitive to your DH and friend's relationship? You seem way too invested in how much chemistry you have with her DH, and how attractive he finds you.

Or, are you an extremely insecure person?

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 15:49

Sonic not really I guess I'm making it a bigger deal so people here can get how I've never seen her as a threat. She's lovely, they're both like lovely, I guess we're all lovely! I just kind of mourn the loss of my friends as she's now equally our friend :( which is great I guess.. My DH s said he now understands his anxiety better thanks to her

OP posts:
Firefries · 16/08/2017 16:43

Gosh sorry op, I don't think it's innocent. If he's that connected to her and not you because she fills the gap, I think it is a problem. I'd be setting very firm boundaries. It's also interesting how quickly the whole friendship started. I am more one to think good friendships take time to build. Anyone who wants to be your friend quickly could be a problem. I know others would disagree but that has stood the test of time for me.

meltingmarshmallows · 16/08/2017 16:56

Saying she has 'gorgeous feet' would make me flip my lid. 'Terrifying boobs' could mean as in huge? Why is he commenting on her appearance like this and why are you ok with it? The whole thing sounds so inappropriate to me, in no way could I ever be cool with it.

She's no friend to you. If your DH was your Dsis for example and your best friend sidelined you to hang out with her, that would be shitty no?

So throw into the mix the boundary overstepping of it being your DH ... Totally not ok IMO.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 16/08/2017 16:57

Unless I don't understand affairs and I only think they're based on looks if that were the case Charles would never have ditched Diana for Camilla.

I would say you're being extremely naieve OP, massive red flag him going on about how he doesn't find her attractive etc, HUGE!