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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

454 replies

revolution909 · 15/08/2017 20:45

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 07:29

We've been friends for a bit longer that 2 years, we all started hanging out thinking the husband's would get along about 18 months ago. We moved to this area 3 years ago, so close friends within a year seemed great!

I'm not obsessed with looks (seriously!) but my DH compares himself with almost every man (part of his anxiety) and to some extent she does as well, so I guess that's how the focus on looks came to be?

I don't think I'm better looking than her, she has a beautiful face! (which I don't but I have other stuff going on iykwim)

OP posts:
Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 07:34

I only run! I can't cycle unless it's a small bike (I know, I know...) and swimming let's just say I don't drown and that's about it. I though about team sports but I don't follow any sport (not my cup of tea) so Yup that's a non starter. I do yoga, but it's just so very brief that it's hard to build friendships, but maybe eventually I will. I even had a brainstorming session with DH about this, we think the key is through other "friends" or coworking spaces. The type of running I do is very demanding, so with a 7 year old and a ft job it's hard to fit another hobby around :/

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 16/08/2017 07:42

It was selfish and disloyal of them both - especially your H when he knows you would like more friends - to form a "friendship" that pushes you out. Agree with PPs that it's emotional affair territory, already.

Eusebius · 16/08/2017 07:47

But OP has also said she too is very close to her DH's best friend, (her bf's DH), closer than he is with DH. Confused.

Iamthinking · 16/08/2017 07:52

Yes it is hard if you have a full time job. What time does your DH get home?
I am trying to think how I have made friends or nearly friends. One way for me has been through taking my dc to their hobbies and having to sit and wait for them to finish. So in my case it has been swimming (4dc). I always get talking to people, particularly the regulars in order to pass the time.
What are the parents of your dc's friends like? Could you try and cultivate a friendship there?
The school ground is tricky if you can't put the time in.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 08:02

@eisebius yes, her DH and I have a closer relationship than he does with my DH, we just get along! But our friendship is more of the jokey type, we've rarely talked about more personal stuff when alone. I have no doubt that if I ever needed help with anything he would definitely do his best to help me.

He gets home around 6. We have dinner and then it's bedtime for DD. He has said he would make the time for me, but he already gives 3 hours of his Sunday (and soon more like 4) so I can do my marathon training.

OP posts:
user1494187262 · 16/08/2017 08:09

Has there been significant changes in any of your lives lately? A bereavement, large weight loss/gain, change of job, or something like that?

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 08:15

Yes @user I've lost 4st and have become a very "active" person. I've also changed the way I dress and have become more confident in myself. I don't mention it at all unless I have to (like once I was called "borderline anorexic" and really wanted to talk to someone about it).

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 16/08/2017 08:16

I was thinking you'd been friends longer op. I think only two years and for most of that you've been couple friends, I get why she doesn't feel comfortable hearing about your dh problems, especially seen as they get on.
If properly resign them as couple friends and only really do things as a foursome. No tips on making friends though, I struggle to make mum friends and I'm the only one of my friends with a dc.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 08:28

Nope, we haven't been friends for that long, but we instantly clicked, we also see each other a lot ( we spend a few hours together during the week) plus we meet as couples 3 -4 times a month. Before "the shift" we were traditional best friends... Maybe it was too much too soon? I don't know :/

OP posts:
MachineBee · 16/08/2017 08:54

I would be careful OP. You have made some major changes and your DH may be feeling vulnerable especially as you say he can be anxious. It takes a long time to feel settled in a new area. Some folks manage it more quickly than others, but 3 years is relatively recent for a major upheaval in both your lives. It's great you have made friends quickly with this couple, but I would just pull back a bit. Still see them, but as a foursome. I do agree it would be good for you to have a wider circle of friends, but you can't force these things -better for them to happen naturally.

I moved from Midlands to SE England over 5 years ago and although I have made friends, there is no BFFs in my new home. It can feel lonely, more so because I had a circle of really close friends where I lived before. However we have all kept in touch and visit when we can. Have you got any old mates that you can get in touch with?

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 09:12

I had a decent couple of friends when I lived in London, we still stay in touch, but we were never close enough that they would come down where I live to visit. I'm an expat so my lifelong friends are across the sea (and there are only a couple of them anyways!) I've never had tons of friends, but I always had a couple I could always rely on.

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 16/08/2017 09:55

A friendship of 2 years is not really long enough to establish deep-seated loyalties.

I wouldn't call a friend of that length a 'best friend' as that's something that's only really established over time. Over 2 years you're only really just getting to know each other.

RidingWindhorses · 16/08/2017 10:01

When you said you were close friends originally, I inferred something more established. In this case, you're all getting to know each other and the shift may be part of the process of balancing the group.

I can see how she would feel it difficult to be around him if you've been complaining about him. She may feel complicit. Plus my mum complains about my dad all the time and it's really boring. Nothing changes.

It sounds like you could do with some relationship counselling to address the issues in your relationship and save you burdening her with it.

TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 10:07

he genuinely doesn't find her attractive (he's that blunt!)

that's a massive, massive red herring.

He fancies her. End of.

Telling you that she's
'not my type'
'annoying'
'fairly plain'
'overweight'
is done to throw you off the scent.

They might only be close now, but this has huge potential to tip over into an affair.
It's at the Emotional Affair stage already and could soon escalate into a Physical Affair.

The last thing you should be doing is taking up a hobby that takes you out of the house, whilst these two are alone together.
I can't believe you are being so gullible.
WAKE UP!

TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 10:14

They're just good friends.

I'm not sure if anyone has suggested this, but perhaps you should read this book (it's very good

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

www.amazon.co.uk/NOT-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering-ebook/dp/B00B0X1UPA/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1502874754&sr=8-1&keywords=not+just+friends&tag=mumsnetforum-21

TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 10:17

From the blurb from Not Just Friends:

You’re right to be cautious when you hear these words: “I’m telling you, we’re just friends.”

Get the book.
Or listen very carefully to what most of the posters are telling you.
Or do both.

either way, you need to nip this in the bud.

TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 10:19

he's said in the past she's definitely not as attractive as me

Duh, of course he's going to say that.
He's hardly going to say anything else is he?

ElspethFlashman · 16/08/2017 10:22

She hasn't known you that long and now she appears to have shifted her loyalties to your DH.

She's just one step away from thinking"He's so nice, so supportive, and there's revolution being petty about the dishwasher. She really doesn't deserve him"

If she's not already thinking that.

Take your DHs offer up of distancing himself. It doesn't mean not seeing them, but definitely not more than once a month and definitely no cosy chats.

Her DH may be attractive and funny but you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. For all you know their sex life is dire. For all you know he spends every evening on his phone and she's lonely. You have no idea.

user1499333856 · 16/08/2017 10:22

Why are you in a friendship group where you have 'more tension/chemistry' with your friend's husband and your friend is now crossing in to a closer 'friendship' with your DH than you yourself have with her?

Bonkers!

Find other friends to broaden your circle and provide you with alternative options for company.

That woman will have her feet under your table before you know it. Your marriage comes first, protect it.

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 10:25

I do believe him! I've seen them, I've been with them 90% of the time so I'm pretty sure there's nothing going on there. And no my relationship with my friend is not based on venting, I think as women we do need to vent every now and then (she does it too) and I've always found our povs are helpful to our respective situations.

OP posts:
TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 10:25

And - this is a big AND - at no point EVER have DH and I discussed how attractive we find our friends. The fact that this is a conversation you seem to be having on a regular basis is just weird.

Unless the OP and her husband and friends are very young or immature, or young and immature.

Can I be nosey and ask how old you and your 'friend' are, OP/

TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 10:28

@eisebius yes, her DH and I have a closer relationship than he does with my DH,

Bloody hell, OP, just do a husband swap and then everybody's sorted.
not helpful

Original poster
revolution909 · 16/08/2017 10:32

We're all in our early thirties. And the one who started with the whole "x or y is attractive" was my DH, he's always been that way!! It bothered me what the first couple of years but got used to it. We even joke about his "man crushes".

OP posts:
TeamCersei · 16/08/2017 10:35

OP,
to give them the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they are 'Just Friends'
but to give you some extra assurance and to help you keep your eyes open to any 'potential' for an affair, perhaps you should read the book Not Just Friends.